Struggling...

I dont want to see what I can see right now... :(

Or maybe I am glad I can see... And the truth is that I dont want to have to act on what I cannot unsee... :(

Does this 'not wanting to act' come from a deeper truth I can sense but cannot touch emotionally, and mean I should stay (until I can touch it emotionally again) afterall?

Am I legitimately afraid I could be wrong?

Or am I just right and simply afraid to trust myself? :(

:'(

I wish I knew my own mind right now...

Last night we 'made love'... At least that is what it was supposed to be... I felt nothing :'(

Its true... I was overtired... And emotionally I have been really not okay lately... Also, I am massively hypersensitive to any and every trigger and stressor... And I am shut down in ways and in places within myself that I cannot possibly know or even begin to comprehend all of...

But is that what this is? Do I really... not know?

Is it really the Dissociative Identity Disorder and my own dissociated emotional state acting up and preventing me from being able to see anything straight right now?

Because apparently... I am in a state of intense crisis... But why?

Why am I in crisis???

He says its because I am not being true to myself...

He is right... :'(

I just dont know how much of that is 'Us' and how much of it is simply my whole life... I dont know what to do and what to act on and what to just let ride... for now

And so... I do nothing...

Tomorrow however, I am going to call the school and the bank and the child support agency so that I can at least deal with the stressors which have no consequences in my real life...

I do feel better, having decided this... But I still have such a long way to go :(

Baby steps...

Breathe... Dont gasp... Just breathe...

And take nothing but tiny... little... baby... steps...

I guess that once the minor things that are tipping me over the edge right now, are dealt with, the dust will settle and all that will be left will be the things I really have to deal with...

If you believe, then please pray for me... Because right now I cannot pray for myself... I simply do not know how...

Doing it... Step by step

Today I am wearing a dress... :)

I am so proud of myself for this...

Today I have also paid three overdue bills that I have been unable to face for the past week... I am so proud of myself for this too :)

I am intensely proud of myself for the way in which I have treated myself this week...

And that is enough...