Saturday 27/07/13 02:30am
Yet another Master has come and gone...
His deficit... or more to the point... laziness... not 'Mine' (that of Butterfly, Lil Jade or Angel, that is)...
Technically... as a dominant Myself, it is not My place to write in this particular journal...
But this latest dominant (someone 'We' have known for quite some time now but not yet engaged with on the level of submissive, although an offer has been made and I have had thoughts about accepting it before), has awakened and interested Me...
Amethyst...
And now, I am seriously considering His proposal...
I believe that the arrangement He proposes may possibly have what it takes, not only to be a safe and nurturing dominant to the submissives and a Master they can serve, but also to fulfil deep and intense needs that belong to others of us...
Myself included...
He is like Me in ways I will not elaborate on here... I feel fulfilled on some levels... allowing His mind to spend time with Mine
There is also the beginning of another much wanted and needed friendship growing as the result of My association with Him; a relationship where trust and companionship may grow (for those of 'Us' who need and crave such things)...
I no longer have sole control over this narrative and I dislike the obfuscation of voice and the clarity of opinion My voice and My words demand...
And so this entry ends here...
All that needs to be noted at this point in time is that there is a new dominant under consideration... And that this one may be good for all of Us... perhaps
Sunday 24/02/13 03:21 am...
Butterfly finds a new Master...
And so it would seem that Butterfly has possibly found herself in the hands of a new and gentle Master...
He has beautiful, caring blue eyes... A smile that is loving and reassuring... And a deep, yet soft, melodic voice...
His dominance over her is quiet and gentle... and could very possibly, over time, become soul deep... She wants to submit to this one...
Tonight was our first session...
It was terrifying yet thrilling...
He had me kneel upright in the middle of my bed, completely naked, with my hands placed on my head, as he observed me from just about every single angle possible... all the while informing me that I was incredibly beautiful... His touch upon my skin, as he focussed on each area, was feather-light... His eyes, as they looked into mine, deep pools of true care and concern... and also 'True Dominance'...
At the end of the session, I received a light spanking to reinforce the lesson: Never present to my Master, ashamed of my beautiful body... And then he held me close to his chest and placed the most gentle and loving kisses upon my head and forehead...
After the session was over, he wrapped me up in the towel I had presented my hidden self to him in at the beginning of the session, and we ended up talking into the wee hours of the morning...
He has wonderful, artistic, creative plans for other sessions that thrill and terrify me... But if I can keep my head straight... If I can enforce my own boundaries (which right now he seems eager to assist me in doing)... If I can find a way to get past my past and to embrace all of the experiences I am so desperate to be able to experience... Then, just maybe, this one might work afterall...
Back Entry: Something I am not ready for...
Oh my God...
Im having thoughts that are making me feel sick to my stomach... Im not ready for this... Its too soon... Nothing is secure yet... And the cravings are getting worse... This just cant be happening... Please!
Butterfly X
(Real date for this entry: 20/02/09 11:54pm)
Im having thoughts that are making me feel sick to my stomach... Im not ready for this... Its too soon... Nothing is secure yet... And the cravings are getting worse... This just cant be happening... Please!
Butterfly X
(Real date for this entry: 20/02/09 11:54pm)
Back Entry: Lonely but where I need to be right now...
Ive been really sick for the better part of a week now...
And not just sick, but scary sick... I havent been able to breathe properly for most of the time Ive been sick and that has really brought home to me, the fact that I am here alone most of the time and no-one would know if I died... Well, not until it was time for my girls to be dropped off for the weekend again, or until the stench of my rotting corpse hit the street... Its left me feeling very lonely at times and craving the intimacy of real human touch; the kind of touch I have with Sir right now (as I the only other 'touch' I receive is at work - YUCK!)... But as always, I am very much aware that these heightened needs are just that; heightened needs... They are not a reflection of any growing emotional attachment to him...
A part of me wishes so much that I could meet someone who is like him in the ways that work for me, and fall head over heels in love... But if I am completely honest with myself, its also the last thing I want too... Not only has it been not quite three weeks since Peter (my last partner and Master) and I broke up, but what on earth would I do with a partner?! Just the thought of a serious partner has me feeling smothered, claustrophobic and afraid! Yes, in part, that is because my relationship ended because of the level of abuse that had escelated to levels I just couldnt keep allowing or absorbing... But Im also just not right for relationships...
I have been through too much... I know too much pain.. And that pain is not something I can successfully hide (or that I want to spend my life hiding, not that I wallow in it either), for the rest of my life... Or even the rest of the week! I just want to be ME... And lets face it... When you love someone, what hurts them, hurts you... So how am I supposed to say to someone 'I love you' and then watch them hurting as they see my pain every time they look me in the eyes? Whether I am smiling or crying, that pain is always visible... Itsalways there... And it colours everything... I never just wake up and float my way through the day... Almost everything I do requires I face down one fear or another... Or that I find a way to stop myself from indulging in odd little obsessive compulsive rituals or selfharm, and not even when I have conscious desires to indulge in them... What I am talking about are just the thoughts and compulsions I have running in the background in my mind! Thats to say nothing of those that are triggered by my conscious mind and the pressures of everyday life!
Now dont get me wrong... I fight all of these fears and compulsions... I constantly refuse to either be held captive by them, or to live as a victim to them... But that doesnt mean that my life is just magically easy... All of that fighting, which I have worked hard to make automatic takes a whole lot of energy... And in order to maintain that level of exisence I need time to be able to just relax sometimes and I simply cant do that when I am having to constantly worry about someone else and having to protect them and to hide whats going on and who I am when Im not doing so well...
Relationships... just... arent... for... me...
I wish they were... I wish that I could just be the super-woman I work so hard to be... I am good at relationships... There isnt a single thing I dont understand about them and how they work... But I just cant... No, correction... I wont tell someone 'I love you' and then subject them to watching helplessly on as the pain and nightmares that are my past and some of my present, leaks out of me, making them hurt for me... Thats not love... Thats my need to love and be loved coming before what real love demands... Real love demands we protect those we love from un-necessary pain...
So, for my part, I wont be looking for love... And I will be avoiding it... If, however, love, and 'Mr Perfect' (not a knight in shining armour - Im looking for a whole person, not a hero), comes and finds me... If he seeks me out and offers his heart and himself to me,knowing what that truly entails, well, then, and only then, will I be in a position to accept... But until then, I remain, deliberately alone... If for no other reason, than that is what my soul and my conscience demands of me...
Its lonely... But its right...
Butterfly X
(Real date for this entry: 20/02/09 8:00pm)
And not just sick, but scary sick... I havent been able to breathe properly for most of the time Ive been sick and that has really brought home to me, the fact that I am here alone most of the time and no-one would know if I died... Well, not until it was time for my girls to be dropped off for the weekend again, or until the stench of my rotting corpse hit the street... Its left me feeling very lonely at times and craving the intimacy of real human touch; the kind of touch I have with Sir right now (as I the only other 'touch' I receive is at work - YUCK!)... But as always, I am very much aware that these heightened needs are just that; heightened needs... They are not a reflection of any growing emotional attachment to him...
A part of me wishes so much that I could meet someone who is like him in the ways that work for me, and fall head over heels in love... But if I am completely honest with myself, its also the last thing I want too... Not only has it been not quite three weeks since Peter (my last partner and Master) and I broke up, but what on earth would I do with a partner?! Just the thought of a serious partner has me feeling smothered, claustrophobic and afraid! Yes, in part, that is because my relationship ended because of the level of abuse that had escelated to levels I just couldnt keep allowing or absorbing... But Im also just not right for relationships...
I have been through too much... I know too much pain.. And that pain is not something I can successfully hide (or that I want to spend my life hiding, not that I wallow in it either), for the rest of my life... Or even the rest of the week! I just want to be ME... And lets face it... When you love someone, what hurts them, hurts you... So how am I supposed to say to someone 'I love you' and then watch them hurting as they see my pain every time they look me in the eyes? Whether I am smiling or crying, that pain is always visible... Itsalways there... And it colours everything... I never just wake up and float my way through the day... Almost everything I do requires I face down one fear or another... Or that I find a way to stop myself from indulging in odd little obsessive compulsive rituals or selfharm, and not even when I have conscious desires to indulge in them... What I am talking about are just the thoughts and compulsions I have running in the background in my mind! Thats to say nothing of those that are triggered by my conscious mind and the pressures of everyday life!
Now dont get me wrong... I fight all of these fears and compulsions... I constantly refuse to either be held captive by them, or to live as a victim to them... But that doesnt mean that my life is just magically easy... All of that fighting, which I have worked hard to make automatic takes a whole lot of energy... And in order to maintain that level of exisence I need time to be able to just relax sometimes and I simply cant do that when I am having to constantly worry about someone else and having to protect them and to hide whats going on and who I am when Im not doing so well...
Relationships... just... arent... for... me...
I wish they were... I wish that I could just be the super-woman I work so hard to be... I am good at relationships... There isnt a single thing I dont understand about them and how they work... But I just cant... No, correction... I wont tell someone 'I love you' and then subject them to watching helplessly on as the pain and nightmares that are my past and some of my present, leaks out of me, making them hurt for me... Thats not love... Thats my need to love and be loved coming before what real love demands... Real love demands we protect those we love from un-necessary pain...
So, for my part, I wont be looking for love... And I will be avoiding it... If, however, love, and 'Mr Perfect' (not a knight in shining armour - Im looking for a whole person, not a hero), comes and finds me... If he seeks me out and offers his heart and himself to me,knowing what that truly entails, well, then, and only then, will I be in a position to accept... But until then, I remain, deliberately alone... If for no other reason, than that is what my soul and my conscience demands of me...
Its lonely... But its right...
Butterfly X
(Real date for this entry: 20/02/09 8:00pm)
Back Entry: Goodbye 'Lil Jade' (and her Master)... Enter: Butterfly (proudly, on the arm of her new 'Sir')...
My name is 'Butterfly', 'La Papillon', 'Cio Cio San'... These are all names that Sir calls me (as His submissive)...
I am also 'Amethyst'...
I am Sirs submissive... I am Sirs Dominatrix... I am Sirs equal...
Our relationship is a constant negotiation... Sir is naturally dominant but also has a deep need to submit... Just as I am naturally submissive, but also have a deep need to dominate... We work so well because above all else we truly are equals...
For my part, I find that I slip in and out of both Butterfly and Amethyst... Right now my need to serve and be dominated is strong... Much stronger than I would like, but there are reasons for that... Reasons I will go into later...
In all honesty, there is a very large part of me that would like to fall in love with Sir... There is something about being 'in love' (whether it is reciprocated or not) that I miss very much... But Im not in love with Him... I care about Him... I respect Him... And I adore spending time with Him... But, Im honestly not in love with Him... And for His part, He has said that that kind of love is not an option for Him either... Im glad in a lot of ways... And even relieved... I really dont want another relationship... Not a real one... No, what Sir and I have is perfect for me right now... I would love the chance to be able to see Him more often and to spend more time together, but that is probably all I would change if I had the chance...
I feel safe with Him... I feel respected... I feel challenged... I feel hopeful... And I feel happy...
He is a very different dominant to most of the dominants I have known over the years... He wants to add to my life on a very practical level... He is not only playing the 'kinky sex' game, and some non-sexual domination games, He is mentoring me financially and in business... And it is this aspect that is injecting new hope into a life that until now has primarily been lived, working (in the B&D and sex industry) just enough to pay each bill as it comes up... I have felt trapped... But now I can see how, through hard work, I can work my way out of this industry and I can have a life where my money works for me not the other way around... And its that financial freedom that is going to change everything for me... I am not now, nor have I ever been 'money-hungry'... No, what I have here is the opportunity to make real choices for the first time and to be able to give my daughters choices and power over their own lives... I will be able to give them something I never had... And that is so much more precious to me than there are words to express...
For the first time in a long time, I have hope again...
Butterfly X
(Real date for this entry: 14/02/09 4:05pm)
Back Entry: A fiction based in reality...
The Story of the Lil Broken Jade Doll - The End?
One day the lil broken jade dolls Owner came home...
He took her down off of her display shelf... Looked deep into her eyes... Said to her: 'I love you so much and I will never stop loving you... I will always love you... And ONLY you'... 'Nooo!' cried the lil jade doll... 'Please! Please dont do this!' she begged... 'Please, Master... Please... Fight it... Fight for us... Please dont do this!'... But He had made up His mind...
He turned His face away from her... Then He raised her high up into the air and threw her with great force onto the floor below, where she shattered into a million pieces... Then He sat there among the pieces of broken china and cried... Every now and then He would pick a piece up and hold it gently in His hands, running His fingers lovingly over its surface, the way He used to before the darkness had come... He ran His fingers over the sharpest, most painful edges too, drawing blood from His own fingertips...
The lil jade doll couldnt understand why her Owner had destroyed her... Or why, having destroyed her, He refused to dispose of her... Why He seemed to be sitting there undecided... None of it made sense... She knew He had no intention of fixing her there and then... But did He ever intend to fix her? And if not, then why was He sitting there touching her the way He used to when she was His beloved; His Everything... And why was He touching the most painful and fragile parts of her and cutting Himself on the sharpest edges of that pain?
The lil broken jade doll began to cry... She cried tears of blood... And as she cried, her Owner just sat and watched... Sometimes He cried with her... Sometimes He was little more than an empty shell... Over and over and over again, she tried to reach out to Him... She could feel Him... She couldnt touch Him... But she could feel Him... Deep inside He still existed... He still loved her...
But He had smashed her... And there was nothing more the lil jade doll could do... For unless He fixed her... Unless He undid what He had done... She would forever remain, a million tiny little shards of broken china, scattered all over the floor, crying tears of blood until, one day, the life finally ebbed from her body...
(Real date for this entry: 14/02/09 4:03pm)
One day the lil broken jade dolls Owner came home...
He took her down off of her display shelf... Looked deep into her eyes... Said to her: 'I love you so much and I will never stop loving you... I will always love you... And ONLY you'... 'Nooo!' cried the lil jade doll... 'Please! Please dont do this!' she begged... 'Please, Master... Please... Fight it... Fight for us... Please dont do this!'... But He had made up His mind...
He turned His face away from her... Then He raised her high up into the air and threw her with great force onto the floor below, where she shattered into a million pieces... Then He sat there among the pieces of broken china and cried... Every now and then He would pick a piece up and hold it gently in His hands, running His fingers lovingly over its surface, the way He used to before the darkness had come... He ran His fingers over the sharpest, most painful edges too, drawing blood from His own fingertips...
The lil jade doll couldnt understand why her Owner had destroyed her... Or why, having destroyed her, He refused to dispose of her... Why He seemed to be sitting there undecided... None of it made sense... She knew He had no intention of fixing her there and then... But did He ever intend to fix her? And if not, then why was He sitting there touching her the way He used to when she was His beloved; His Everything... And why was He touching the most painful and fragile parts of her and cutting Himself on the sharpest edges of that pain?
The lil broken jade doll began to cry... She cried tears of blood... And as she cried, her Owner just sat and watched... Sometimes He cried with her... Sometimes He was little more than an empty shell... Over and over and over again, she tried to reach out to Him... She could feel Him... She couldnt touch Him... But she could feel Him... Deep inside He still existed... He still loved her...
But He had smashed her... And there was nothing more the lil jade doll could do... For unless He fixed her... Unless He undid what He had done... She would forever remain, a million tiny little shards of broken china, scattered all over the floor, crying tears of blood until, one day, the life finally ebbed from her body...
(Real date for this entry: 14/02/09 4:03pm)
Back Entry: Dispelling the 'Sub-Space' myth...
When
I hear Masters/Mistresses gushing about how talented they are and their
subs/slaves gushing about how devoted they are just because they have
been able to induce or achieve 'Sub-Space', it makes my stomach churn...
What most people are referring to when they talk about Sub-Space is basically nothing more than a huge endorphin rush brought on by exposure to extreme pain and/or prolonged emotional duress... Now I get that there are those who are happy to endure such extreme pain in order to experience this rush, but dont expect me to believe that it was the result of the ministrations of an unusually gifted Master/Mistress or that managing to achieve it has anything to do with the measure of a sub's/slave's of devotion to said Master/Mistress...
All that that Sub-Space is, is a non-chemically induced rush of endorphins... And if you know the right drug-dealer, I am sure you could achieveexactly the same reaction, if not a more potent and longer lasting version of it by using some of the trendy party drugs that are available today... And you wouldnt have had to endure hours of pain beforehand! (Although I am positive the drugs would probably do more permanent and deadly damage in the long run)...
I believe true Sub-Space is achieved when a submissive is completely immersed in their role as submissive during a Session... I believe it is a voluntary state of mind... If the submissive successfully achieves this state of mind when in Session with a talented Dominant who has a deep understanding of the psychological elements of B&D and the emotional and psychological needs of their submissive, then yes I believe that a euphoric level of sub-space can also be achieved...I believe that Sub-Space is a rare and precious occurance that should be treasured... It is not something that can be achieved by just anyone, rather it can only be achieved by someone who is truly the submissive they claim to be, not someone playing at being a submissive...
I feel angry that so many players out there in the B&D community are unknowingly doing so much damage, believing that they are giving their sub/slave a precious gift (not to mention boosting their own egos)... I am also angry at the Sub-Space snobbery among submissives... There are those in the community who openly express the opinion that a submissive who has never achieved Sub-Space is no real submissive at all, or that their submission is in some way inferior... Thats not they way it is! There are those who simply do not possess, mentally or emotionally, what it takes to achieve Sub-Space, but that is in no way a reflection or a comment on how genuine and devoted their gift of submission is to their Dominant...
(Real date for this entry: 15/07/08 7:00pm)
What most people are referring to when they talk about Sub-Space is basically nothing more than a huge endorphin rush brought on by exposure to extreme pain and/or prolonged emotional duress... Now I get that there are those who are happy to endure such extreme pain in order to experience this rush, but dont expect me to believe that it was the result of the ministrations of an unusually gifted Master/Mistress or that managing to achieve it has anything to do with the measure of a sub's/slave's of devotion to said Master/Mistress...
All that that Sub-Space is, is a non-chemically induced rush of endorphins... And if you know the right drug-dealer, I am sure you could achieveexactly the same reaction, if not a more potent and longer lasting version of it by using some of the trendy party drugs that are available today... And you wouldnt have had to endure hours of pain beforehand! (Although I am positive the drugs would probably do more permanent and deadly damage in the long run)...
I believe true Sub-Space is achieved when a submissive is completely immersed in their role as submissive during a Session... I believe it is a voluntary state of mind... If the submissive successfully achieves this state of mind when in Session with a talented Dominant who has a deep understanding of the psychological elements of B&D and the emotional and psychological needs of their submissive, then yes I believe that a euphoric level of sub-space can also be achieved...I believe that Sub-Space is a rare and precious occurance that should be treasured... It is not something that can be achieved by just anyone, rather it can only be achieved by someone who is truly the submissive they claim to be, not someone playing at being a submissive...
I feel angry that so many players out there in the B&D community are unknowingly doing so much damage, believing that they are giving their sub/slave a precious gift (not to mention boosting their own egos)... I am also angry at the Sub-Space snobbery among submissives... There are those in the community who openly express the opinion that a submissive who has never achieved Sub-Space is no real submissive at all, or that their submission is in some way inferior... Thats not they way it is! There are those who simply do not possess, mentally or emotionally, what it takes to achieve Sub-Space, but that is in no way a reflection or a comment on how genuine and devoted their gift of submission is to their Dominant...
(Real date for this entry: 15/07/08 7:00pm)
Back Entry: I just dont know...
I am not doing very well right now, so I will make this entry short...
I have begun to wonder how it is that things I was once afraid of (with regard to the corporal punishment side of B&D) have now become things I crave... Is it what I really want? Is it conditioning? Is it desperation to please my Master? Is it even deeper desperation to go further than any of the 'others' and in doing so, secure my place as the only submissive who matters to Him?
The answer is 'I really dont know'...
I have spent so much of my life adapting to whatever life has thrown at me that I just dont know what is me and what is me just trying to cope... And thats a scary thing...
What happens if it isnt what I want? Will I then lose the man and Master I love?
If it isnt what I want, does that mean I am really not a submissive?
I have lost so much already... I couldnt take losing Him too... And if it is what I want... What does that say about me? Who does that make me? And is it ok?
Current Mood: Heartbroken, confused and afraid...
Current Music: Tears falling on the inside as I wonder when I will finally find a safe and permanent place to call home...
(Real date for this entry: 15/06/08 4:06pm)
I have begun to wonder how it is that things I was once afraid of (with regard to the corporal punishment side of B&D) have now become things I crave... Is it what I really want? Is it conditioning? Is it desperation to please my Master? Is it even deeper desperation to go further than any of the 'others' and in doing so, secure my place as the only submissive who matters to Him?
The answer is 'I really dont know'...
I have spent so much of my life adapting to whatever life has thrown at me that I just dont know what is me and what is me just trying to cope... And thats a scary thing...
What happens if it isnt what I want? Will I then lose the man and Master I love?
If it isnt what I want, does that mean I am really not a submissive?
I have lost so much already... I couldnt take losing Him too... And if it is what I want... What does that say about me? Who does that make me? And is it ok?
Current Mood: Heartbroken, confused and afraid...
Current Music: Tears falling on the inside as I wonder when I will finally find a safe and permanent place to call home...
(Real date for this entry: 15/06/08 4:06pm)
Back Entry: Its been a long time...
Over
the past months, and shamefully, probably over a year now, I have come
to this space and gone to write an entry only to close the page having
acutally added nothing at all...
Today is the end of that...
A lot has happened in my life as a submissive... And most of it will unfortunately probably not show up in here simply because I cannot remember it all... But a late start is better than never... So here goes I guess... *takes a deep breath in and dives in*...
Being a 24/7 submissive is not easy... Not for the submissive, nor for the Dominant...
That is not to say that all of that hard work is not worth it... Quite the contrary... It most certainly is worth it...
I have been struggling with a large number of mental health issues of late and the one thing that brings me more comfort even than a bottle of sedatives (no, I havent ever taken a whole bottle of them), is the firm hand of my Master... An order from Him instantly calms my thoughts and seems to give my overworked mind permission to simply obey and 'be'... So much more effective than that is a full-on play session... Having such intense guidance at the same time that my limits and boundaries are being pushed and tested not only focusses me, but challenges me on levels a simple decision to improve my life and fight harder against the mental health issues could never do...
Recently I have experienced some extremely intense private play sessions... And their effect on me has lasted beyond the session itself... For that I have been so grateful...
I am seriously considering beginning to write about these sessions in detail and possibly even publish photographs but I am not sure yet... Some of what happens is intensely private... So I guess we shall see...
I think that, right now, I am going to leave this entry here... I have a lot to deal with and I have barely even begun to deal...
More later...
Today is the end of that...
A lot has happened in my life as a submissive... And most of it will unfortunately probably not show up in here simply because I cannot remember it all... But a late start is better than never... So here goes I guess... *takes a deep breath in and dives in*...
Being a 24/7 submissive is not easy... Not for the submissive, nor for the Dominant...
That is not to say that all of that hard work is not worth it... Quite the contrary... It most certainly is worth it...
I have been struggling with a large number of mental health issues of late and the one thing that brings me more comfort even than a bottle of sedatives (no, I havent ever taken a whole bottle of them), is the firm hand of my Master... An order from Him instantly calms my thoughts and seems to give my overworked mind permission to simply obey and 'be'... So much more effective than that is a full-on play session... Having such intense guidance at the same time that my limits and boundaries are being pushed and tested not only focusses me, but challenges me on levels a simple decision to improve my life and fight harder against the mental health issues could never do...
Recently I have experienced some extremely intense private play sessions... And their effect on me has lasted beyond the session itself... For that I have been so grateful...
I am seriously considering beginning to write about these sessions in detail and possibly even publish photographs but I am not sure yet... Some of what happens is intensely private... So I guess we shall see...
I think that, right now, I am going to leave this entry here... I have a lot to deal with and I have barely even begun to deal...
More later...
(Real date for this entry: 20/02/08 12:04pm)
Back Entry: Assignment from a 'School' roleplay Session...
Tonight, as part of a 'School' roleplay Session, I wrote the following piece...
Teaching the Teacher a Lesson...
Jade liked to take long leisurely walks on the beach, always wearing a tiny black bikini underneath a filmy, deep purple sarong...
The past few days had left her with the sneaking suspicion she was being watched... And Mr Masters, the headmaster at school, had been looking at her funny, and he had been asking all manner of obscure personal questions too...
Suspecting it was him who had been watching her, she had a very wicked idea... She was going to teach him a lesson he would never forget...
Pretending she thought she was completely alone on the beach during one of her walks one day, she began to teach him his lesson...
Slowly and deliberately, she untied her sarong and let it fall gently onto the hot sand at her feet... Then she raised her arms above her head and arched her back, making sure her unseen voyeur had long enough to take in each and every inch of her perfect almost 18 year old body... She could have sworn she heard a small muffled gasp come from the sand-dunes behind her... And then silence...
She smiled secretly to herself and then continued...
After she had given him enough time to regain his composure and refocus his attention, she flattened out her sarong on the sand... Next she stood side-on to where she was sure he was hiding and slowly untied the tie on the back of her bikini top... Then she undid the tie from around her neck and allowed the top to fall to the ground... She again lifted her arms and arched her back, stretching and enjoying the feeling of the sun on her naked breasts...
A slight breeze caressed her skin causing her nipples to stand errect...
Once more there were muffled, quiet noises coming from deep in the dunes...
Running her hands down over her breasts and stomach, down to the ties on her bikini bottoms... She delicately took both of them; one in each hand, and gently tugged the bows undone...
Her panties fell to the ground... Still more muffled noises and what she could have sworn was a groan came from the sand-dunes...
Stiffling a wicked giggle, she jogged into the surf, slowly and deliberately, making sure his mind had more than enough time to fill itself full of all kinds of lascivious fantasies with her as the star... Fantasies he would only ever be able to dream about having fulfilled...
She played and frolicked in the waves for a while, always making sure his view would not be obscured... Then, when she began to grow bored, she sauntered back onto the beach where she lay, naked in the sun on her sarong... She pretended to begin to doze...
Idly, she ran her fingers first through her long, golden blonde hair... Then over her face and throat, sighing as each touch began to gently awaken a hunger for something a little more delicious... As her fingernails trailed teasingly over her collarbone and down toward her breasts, her pelvis twitched involuntarily upward, her body begging for more attention...
Barely touching her almost painfully errect nipples, a small moan escaped her slightly parted lips...
Further and further downward, her fingers travelled, making circles over her ribs, her stomach, the tops of her thighs... Tiny shivers of delight raising goose-bumps everywhere...
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, her fingers found that tiny magical place, deep between her thighs, where the most intense pleasure of all came from...
She touched gently at first, tracing tiny circles over the skin and just inside the opening...
Blood coursed all over body, engorging her lips, her breasts, her vagina... It flushed her skin a hot, rosy pink... It intensified pleasure everywhere, causing her touch to become more delierate; more focussed...
She could feel the tension growing in her thigh muscles as her finger drew ever decreasing circles over and around her clitoris... It felt so good... And knowing he was watching her only served to heighten both the eroticism and the intensity...
Very soon she found herself unable to hold off any longer...
Her breathing quickened and became shallow... Her movements erratic... 'Aaaaaaaaaaah!'... She was cumming... And hard...
'Aaaaaaaaargh!' came a deep throaty voice from the dunes, as he came too...
As they came... Together...
Exhausted, she collapsed... Spent and relaxed... And unbelievably smug...
A short while later as she was walking home along the cement footpath beside the beach, she came upon her headmaster, Mr Masters... 'Hello Sir' she said, dipping her eyes coyly, almost managing to sound innocent... 'Are you enjoying your walk Sir?'... She looked him in the eye, and then smiling wickedly, she shot a cheeky glance in the direction of his crotch... 'What on Earth was that look all about' he wondered to himself... And then aloud, 'Yes Miss Peters' he said sternly, his face flushing crimson as he wondered if she could possibly know he had been watching her, praying she hadnt, and yet oddly titillated by the thought that she might have...
Before he had the chance to gather his thoughts and continue the conversation, she had turned and was now sauntering down the path headed home no doubt where she would most likely go straight to her bedroom, undress... His thoughts trailed off as his head filled with a myriad of erotic images of her and he felt himself growing hard again... And then something cold...
He looked down...
'Shit!'... she heard him exclaim...
She giggled to herself as she continued walking...
He must have found the cum stain on his shorts she figured...
(Real date for this entry: 28/11/07 2:38am)
Teaching the Teacher a Lesson...
Jade liked to take long leisurely walks on the beach, always wearing a tiny black bikini underneath a filmy, deep purple sarong...
The past few days had left her with the sneaking suspicion she was being watched... And Mr Masters, the headmaster at school, had been looking at her funny, and he had been asking all manner of obscure personal questions too...
Suspecting it was him who had been watching her, she had a very wicked idea... She was going to teach him a lesson he would never forget...
Pretending she thought she was completely alone on the beach during one of her walks one day, she began to teach him his lesson...
Slowly and deliberately, she untied her sarong and let it fall gently onto the hot sand at her feet... Then she raised her arms above her head and arched her back, making sure her unseen voyeur had long enough to take in each and every inch of her perfect almost 18 year old body... She could have sworn she heard a small muffled gasp come from the sand-dunes behind her... And then silence...
She smiled secretly to herself and then continued...
After she had given him enough time to regain his composure and refocus his attention, she flattened out her sarong on the sand... Next she stood side-on to where she was sure he was hiding and slowly untied the tie on the back of her bikini top... Then she undid the tie from around her neck and allowed the top to fall to the ground... She again lifted her arms and arched her back, stretching and enjoying the feeling of the sun on her naked breasts...
A slight breeze caressed her skin causing her nipples to stand errect...
Once more there were muffled, quiet noises coming from deep in the dunes...
Running her hands down over her breasts and stomach, down to the ties on her bikini bottoms... She delicately took both of them; one in each hand, and gently tugged the bows undone...
Her panties fell to the ground... Still more muffled noises and what she could have sworn was a groan came from the sand-dunes...
Stiffling a wicked giggle, she jogged into the surf, slowly and deliberately, making sure his mind had more than enough time to fill itself full of all kinds of lascivious fantasies with her as the star... Fantasies he would only ever be able to dream about having fulfilled...
She played and frolicked in the waves for a while, always making sure his view would not be obscured... Then, when she began to grow bored, she sauntered back onto the beach where she lay, naked in the sun on her sarong... She pretended to begin to doze...
Idly, she ran her fingers first through her long, golden blonde hair... Then over her face and throat, sighing as each touch began to gently awaken a hunger for something a little more delicious... As her fingernails trailed teasingly over her collarbone and down toward her breasts, her pelvis twitched involuntarily upward, her body begging for more attention...
Barely touching her almost painfully errect nipples, a small moan escaped her slightly parted lips...
Further and further downward, her fingers travelled, making circles over her ribs, her stomach, the tops of her thighs... Tiny shivers of delight raising goose-bumps everywhere...
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, her fingers found that tiny magical place, deep between her thighs, where the most intense pleasure of all came from...
She touched gently at first, tracing tiny circles over the skin and just inside the opening...
Blood coursed all over body, engorging her lips, her breasts, her vagina... It flushed her skin a hot, rosy pink... It intensified pleasure everywhere, causing her touch to become more delierate; more focussed...
She could feel the tension growing in her thigh muscles as her finger drew ever decreasing circles over and around her clitoris... It felt so good... And knowing he was watching her only served to heighten both the eroticism and the intensity...
Very soon she found herself unable to hold off any longer...
Her breathing quickened and became shallow... Her movements erratic... 'Aaaaaaaaaaah!'... She was cumming... And hard...
'Aaaaaaaaargh!' came a deep throaty voice from the dunes, as he came too...
As they came... Together...
Exhausted, she collapsed... Spent and relaxed... And unbelievably smug...
A short while later as she was walking home along the cement footpath beside the beach, she came upon her headmaster, Mr Masters... 'Hello Sir' she said, dipping her eyes coyly, almost managing to sound innocent... 'Are you enjoying your walk Sir?'... She looked him in the eye, and then smiling wickedly, she shot a cheeky glance in the direction of his crotch... 'What on Earth was that look all about' he wondered to himself... And then aloud, 'Yes Miss Peters' he said sternly, his face flushing crimson as he wondered if she could possibly know he had been watching her, praying she hadnt, and yet oddly titillated by the thought that she might have...
Before he had the chance to gather his thoughts and continue the conversation, she had turned and was now sauntering down the path headed home no doubt where she would most likely go straight to her bedroom, undress... His thoughts trailed off as his head filled with a myriad of erotic images of her and he felt himself growing hard again... And then something cold...
He looked down...
'Shit!'... she heard him exclaim...
She giggled to herself as she continued walking...
He must have found the cum stain on his shorts she figured...
(Real date for this entry: 28/11/07 2:38am)
Back Entry: On attending my first 'Munch'...
Tonight there is another Xtreme Darque event and I cant wait...
I went to a casual dinner and drinks thing with some of the other members last night and I had a blast... Being with some of those people feels like going home for the first time... It feels like I have a family... A place where I belong... *shrugs again*...
I dont know... I guess it sounds a little wierd, being that I can seem so 'vanilla' sometimes and most of these people can behave quite 'extreme'... But believe it or not... Its who I am... And spending time with them is providing me with a place I can safely and without judgement, explore more of who that is... This change in lifestyle has effected me so deeply...
Its so much more than just a game to me...
I went to a casual dinner and drinks thing with some of the other members last night and I had a blast... Being with some of those people feels like going home for the first time... It feels like I have a family... A place where I belong... *shrugs again*...
I dont know... I guess it sounds a little wierd, being that I can seem so 'vanilla' sometimes and most of these people can behave quite 'extreme'... But believe it or not... Its who I am... And spending time with them is providing me with a place I can safely and without judgement, explore more of who that is... This change in lifestyle has effected me so deeply...
Its so much more than just a game to me...
Back Entry: On attending my first 'Crypt' party...
There was something huge that went down last night but Im not sure how much I am able to ellaborate on, nor how much I would want to
ellaborate on... Surfice it to say that I did something huge in an
environment where I felt like I truly belonged and I dont regret a
moment of it! I believe it was only a tiny taste of so much more to
come... I know it wont be easy... But I also know I want it... I want this life... And I want what I am and everything that that means... I am so happy with where this part of my life is right now and I have never felt more like I am right where I belong... I feel safe and happy and loved...
At last there is a place I can exist in where I can be who I truly am... And where I can embrace and live out the lifestyle I have always secretly craved... A place where others understand... Where self-expression is not an invitation for judgement and condemnation... A place where obedience, servatude and true submission are not an invitation for abuse but treasured gifts... A place I am challenged and provided the opportunity to grow... A place I can call home...
At last there is a place I can exist in where I can be who I truly am... And where I can embrace and live out the lifestyle I have always secretly craved... A place where others understand... Where self-expression is not an invitation for judgement and condemnation... A place where obedience, servatude and true submission are not an invitation for abuse but treasured gifts... A place I am challenged and provided the opportunity to grow... A place I can call home...
Back Entry: Loki proposes to Amethyst...
Oh my god! A proposal in the middle of the night...
And so it would seem that Amethyst has found her Soulmate... One who is worthy of not only her lack of contempt but of her respect... One she is willing to be bound to forever... One who seeks not todestroy her but to help her harness her power... One who seeks to assist her in honing her skills... One who seeks to ensure her survival and successful merging with the self as a whole...
He is a truly exceptional One...
He knows how to speak with her... How to play with her... How to teach her... How to lead her... He values her and He loves her... But most of all, this One hears her...
And so, come Summer Solistice, in the Xtreme Darque, the two shall become One...
And so it would seem that Amethyst has found her Soulmate... One who is worthy of not only her lack of contempt but of her respect... One she is willing to be bound to forever... One who seeks not todestroy her but to help her harness her power... One who seeks to assist her in honing her skills... One who seeks to ensure her survival and successful merging with the self as a whole...
He is a truly exceptional One...
He knows how to speak with her... How to play with her... How to teach her... How to lead her... He values her and He loves her... But most of all, this One hears her...
And so, come Summer Solistice, in the Xtreme Darque, the two shall become One...
Back Entry: Wearing my Master's mark at last...
The High Priestess emerges...
Back Entry: About the most important decision I EVER made...
It is amazing just how much your life can change in a split second... And how one tiny decision can change its course irrevocably forever...
Thats exactly what happened to me just over 4 months ago... God, it seems like a lifetime ago... So much has happened and so much has changed... But I will never forget that night as long as I live... Neither will I ever regret a second of it... *gets temporarily lost in her thoughts and reminiscing*... *sigh*... Yes, if I had it to do all over again, I would... IN A HEARTBEAT!
Thats exactly what happened to me just over 4 months ago... God, it seems like a lifetime ago... So much has happened and so much has changed... But I will never forget that night as long as I live... Neither will I ever regret a second of it... *gets temporarily lost in her thoughts and reminiscing*... *sigh*... Yes, if I had it to do all over again, I would... IN A HEARTBEAT!
Back Entry: Learning to scream...
I
have finally begun to learn how to really scream... Im not willing to
explain a whole lot on this one... For the most part, that statement
willremain cryptic or more to the point, barely explained...
The impact this most recently undertaken lesson has had on my life has been colossal! I feel as though something I have had to keep under the strictest of control, to the point that I had to deny its existence almost completely... Something I have had to supress time after time, year after year.. Something whose pressure has been building for many years now... Something I feel is almost always on the brink of exploding and destroying me in the process... Well, its finally being heard... And there has finally come a safe place to release it... An environment where I am freed and protected at the same time...
I finally exist...
During those times I am beginning to learn how to stay connected to myself and to truly feel my own feelings... I am learning that its not onlyokay to feel them, but that I dont have to be ashamed of failing to remain silent, expressionless and stoic... Its okay and even a good thing to be a part of the human race; an emotional human race...
After its all over, I feel a sense of relief... Nowhere near as much relief as I would like... Barely even enough to register... But its a start... And in truth, right now, nothing short of unleashing hell itself as stimuli would work and Im just not ready... I am also only just beginning to learnhow to scream, I havent truly grasped the concept properly as yet... It will all come in time though... And if nothing else, I am grateful that it is providing me with a new sense of self and an alternative to cutting...
It was put to me, not for the first time, recently, that cutting and other self-harming behaviours I have been indulging in were me taking the easy way out... It sounds harsh... Especially when at times it has felt like my only choices were self-harm or take the risk of losing my mind and/or dissociating so badly that I possibly ended my life unintentionally... BUT... This person was right... Painfully so... Opting out... Deflecting... Punishing myself... It was all easier than facing up to how I really felt and what those feelings meant...
My association with this person in particular suprises me... I keep expecting to reach the limits of their understanding or to experience something that leaves them out of their depth... But time and time again, not only does this person suprise me with their wisdom and their understanding, but they are even two steps ahead of me at times! For me thats phenomenal! No-one, and I mean no-one has ever come close to even keeping up with me let alone outthinking me... Not even professional psychiatrists!
But even beyond all of that... This person is phenomenal in their own right... For so many reasons... But that is an encryption for another entry... ;)
Right now, I am exhausted; something I was beginning to think would never happen... I think that a combination of needing to sleep and having vented enough emotionally has resulted in me finally being ready to pass out for the night... So, more later I guess...
The impact this most recently undertaken lesson has had on my life has been colossal! I feel as though something I have had to keep under the strictest of control, to the point that I had to deny its existence almost completely... Something I have had to supress time after time, year after year.. Something whose pressure has been building for many years now... Something I feel is almost always on the brink of exploding and destroying me in the process... Well, its finally being heard... And there has finally come a safe place to release it... An environment where I am freed and protected at the same time...
I finally exist...
During those times I am beginning to learn how to stay connected to myself and to truly feel my own feelings... I am learning that its not onlyokay to feel them, but that I dont have to be ashamed of failing to remain silent, expressionless and stoic... Its okay and even a good thing to be a part of the human race; an emotional human race...
After its all over, I feel a sense of relief... Nowhere near as much relief as I would like... Barely even enough to register... But its a start... And in truth, right now, nothing short of unleashing hell itself as stimuli would work and Im just not ready... I am also only just beginning to learnhow to scream, I havent truly grasped the concept properly as yet... It will all come in time though... And if nothing else, I am grateful that it is providing me with a new sense of self and an alternative to cutting...
It was put to me, not for the first time, recently, that cutting and other self-harming behaviours I have been indulging in were me taking the easy way out... It sounds harsh... Especially when at times it has felt like my only choices were self-harm or take the risk of losing my mind and/or dissociating so badly that I possibly ended my life unintentionally... BUT... This person was right... Painfully so... Opting out... Deflecting... Punishing myself... It was all easier than facing up to how I really felt and what those feelings meant...
My association with this person in particular suprises me... I keep expecting to reach the limits of their understanding or to experience something that leaves them out of their depth... But time and time again, not only does this person suprise me with their wisdom and their understanding, but they are even two steps ahead of me at times! For me thats phenomenal! No-one, and I mean no-one has ever come close to even keeping up with me let alone outthinking me... Not even professional psychiatrists!
But even beyond all of that... This person is phenomenal in their own right... For so many reasons... But that is an encryption for another entry... ;)
Right now, I am exhausted; something I was beginning to think would never happen... I think that a combination of needing to sleep and having vented enough emotionally has resulted in me finally being ready to pass out for the night... So, more later I guess...
Back Entry: Initiation...
Now, getting back to the night before last...
God, it was incredible!
And I did manage to find a way to be ready and to come to the right decisions... Im still unsure of how to encrypt this so I dont know how much I can say... Hmm... *thinking*...
For a while, time was stopped... Nothing else existed but the world that had been created... And within that world I took a journey and was tested... I gave of myself more completely than ever before and was rewarded in ways I cannot even begin to explain... I now know very much who I am and where my place is... I belong... I am loved... I am safe and protected...
What I have written does not even come close to everything I experienced or what happened... But it is about all I am willing to say on the subject, so it will have to do I guess...
God, it was incredible!
And I did manage to find a way to be ready and to come to the right decisions... Im still unsure of how to encrypt this so I dont know how much I can say... Hmm... *thinking*...
For a while, time was stopped... Nothing else existed but the world that had been created... And within that world I took a journey and was tested... I gave of myself more completely than ever before and was rewarded in ways I cannot even begin to explain... I now know very much who I am and where my place is... I belong... I am loved... I am safe and protected...
What I have written does not even come close to everything I experienced or what happened... But it is about all I am willing to say on the subject, so it will have to do I guess...
Back Entry: Post 'Initiation'...
Last night was amazing...
More on this once I work out how to encrypt it properly... I could also do with some sleep and pain relief too... So 'Goodnight' for now... More soon... :)
Oh, and I think I have very possibly finally settled on a decision I have been trying to make for a while now... :)
More on this once I work out how to encrypt it properly... I could also do with some sleep and pain relief too... So 'Goodnight' for now... More soon... :)
Oh, and I think I have very possibly finally settled on a decision I have been trying to make for a while now... :)
Back Entry: Initiation... Am I ready to trust THAT fully?
Its time...
Tonight (31/05/06) I find myself at a major crossroads...
The choices I make right now have the power to effect everything...
Tonight (31/05/06) I find myself at a major crossroads...
The choices I make right now have the power to effect everything...
Back Entry: Making it happen REGARDLESS of the fear...
I
stand on the edge of a cliff, preparing to take my first step onto a
wafer-thin wire which stretches out before me further than I am able to
see... I am fully aware of what lies beneath and the fact there is no safety net... I am also fully aware that there is no turning back and that there are no guarentees... But I am none-the-less willing to take the journey...
A little cryptic? Um, yes... It was meant to be... (Grr, sometimes its sooo annoying having this journal public)... I know what I am talking about though, so thats what matters... Bottom line is that I am doing something I never thought I would be willing to risk doing again...
Its huge and its serious... Never before have I been so keenly aware of the seriousness of what I am doing... And yet, never before have I been so sure... There are a few loose ends I need to tie up and I still have a few questions I need to answer for my own peace of mind, but regardless of any of that, and regardless of how long this thing lasts or where it goes or doesnt... It will have been worth every risk and every second... No regrets...
Who knows? Maybe it will really work... Maybe this is it...
A little cryptic? Um, yes... It was meant to be... (Grr, sometimes its sooo annoying having this journal public)... I know what I am talking about though, so thats what matters... Bottom line is that I am doing something I never thought I would be willing to risk doing again...
Its huge and its serious... Never before have I been so keenly aware of the seriousness of what I am doing... And yet, never before have I been so sure... There are a few loose ends I need to tie up and I still have a few questions I need to answer for my own peace of mind, but regardless of any of that, and regardless of how long this thing lasts or where it goes or doesnt... It will have been worth every risk and every second... No regrets...
Who knows? Maybe it will really work... Maybe this is it...
Back Entry: An assignment from my Master - Define 'Love'...
God, what an assignment! *grimaces and groans*...
Assignment: What is your definition of love?
(This assignment was set for me by someone whose presence in my life is teaching me a great deal as well as providing the opportunity and the tools to bring about some very real healing... He is also someone I admire and respect and enjoy spending time with)...
How do you define something you have such limited experience with? At least such limited exposure to an unwarped version of anyway... Even just the question is making my head spin at the moment for some reason... I cant explain why, but every time I begin to attempt to address this assignment, my whole mind goes blank... Its obviously touching a very raw nerve or something similar, otherwise why the immediate shutdown every time I begin to think about it?
Maybe I am simply afraid of what I will find once I actually sit down and define this thing once and for all... Maybe the reason I dont want to sit down and define it is because in doing so it is going to force me to see things I have been refusing to see... And with me, that means I will be forced (by myself) to take action... This one is going to hurt, thats for sure...
Ok, so how to address the assignment... Well, first I guess I should start by sorting out my thoughts... Brace yourselves, this could be a long entry...
My experiences of love have been many and varied... But for the majority of time, none of these experiences have matched my definition of love...
Im still not sure how to word my definition of love, so I am going to try and further pin it down by writing about the things I know its not...
Love is not about control... Its neither about controlling the one you love nor is it about being controlled... When you truly love someone you accept them just the way they are... You encourage them and support them, but you never try to control them...
Manipulation, emotional blackmail, threats, intimidation, phsyical force, secrets and lies... These are all forms of control... And more often than not, it is these things that have formed the basis of the relationships in my life where people have claimed to love me... From my parents, to friends and lovers... Its always been the same... Have I believed that the majority of these people believed they loved me, at least at some stage? Unequivocally yes... Do I believe that these people truly understand what love is? Equally unequivocally no...
Love is not conditional... 'If you really loved me you would...' What a load of crap! The number of times I have had that ultimatum thrown at me, *fumes inside*, well, it makes me sick! You know what?! If YOU loved ME then you WOULDNT bloody give me an ultimatum in the first place! No, when you love someone, you love that person for who they are... It doesnt mean you have to agree with all of their choices or like what they do...
Love is not just a bunch of pretty words alone... Pretty words can be beautiful and even genuinely heartfelt, but without the actions to back them up, the words mean nothing... Until and unless you can live by the words you speak you are better off remaining silent... Real love isnot simply a fantasy world spun out of pretty words...
Love is not always easy... Neither is it painless or without trials... Believing otherwise is niave and dangerous...
Love is not about settling... Being content in someone's company is not love, its contentment... Being relieved that you are no longer alone in this world is not love, its relief from lonliness... Love is not being used to someone, thats just familiarity... Love is not feeling like you have a connection with someone just because they listen to you and dont judge you and even seem to understand where you are coming from, thats just projective identification... Its like 'falling' for your therapist... Its not the real deal... They are purely pleasant emotional responses driven by a need for acceptance and understanding which have little or nothing to do with who the person really is, but with their empathic and sympathetic skills...
The feeling you get having an intellegent, attractive, witty, wealthy, powerful (or any other attribute you aspire to) person you otherwise would have delusionally believed was 'out of your league' voluntarily spend time with you is not love, its awe... And its also an indication you have some serious self esteem issues...
Love is not infatuation... While infatuation may be one of the phases of falling in love, it will not last and so when it is gone, without real love you will be left with nothing...
Love is also not purely an inability to think about anyone else (although this can be a side effect of 'falling' in love), thats just obsession... Noris love a pleasant phsyical reaction experienced while in that persons presence or even at the very thought of them, thats just arousal (whether it be mental or sexual, its still just arousal)...
There are probably a million and one other things I could say about what love isnt, but I think I am finally getting to the point where I have cleared my head enough to maybe begin to address the actual question... Who knows, but here goes anyway...
Love is, in its most base form, respect... Its respectful of my right to be myself and your right to be you... Out of that respect it is possible for anything to grow... But yes, on the most basic level I can think of I believe that love begins with and cannot exist without respect...
I believe that love is very much a verb (doing word)... I believe that unless you 'do' love to the person you claim to love, you cant love them... It is very literally a case of 'Actions speak louder than words'... No, Im not talking about flowers (which Im allergic to by the way! lol) and chocolates and teddy bears and hallmark cards... Im talking about the simpler, less showy things... Im talking about listening when the other person speaks and actually hearing them... About caring about even the tiniest details like making sure their shoulders are covered by the blanket in the middle of the night... Its about making someone else's needs important in your own life (but not to the complete exclusion of your own)... Its about sharing and true intimacy... Its about providing a safe place for another to be themselves without fear of reprisal or judgement... Its about so many things...
Love takes guts and determination... It takes courage because in truly loving someone you are opening yourself up and to a certain extent making yourself vulnerable to them... As wonderful as they are able to make you feel, they also have the potential to hurt you that much too... So yeah, it takes a whole lot of courage, and trust too... Determination is needed to stop yourself from shutting down and closing yourself off to protect yourself against such a threat... Its also there for the times when things arent so wonderful and you need to work your way through the bad times...
Naturally there are about a gazillion other things I would like to say about love and my experiences of it but to be honest Im tired and my head is beginning to spin out of control again, which means Im about to lose the clarity I require to keep this entry making sense and being worthwhile...
Bottom line? Love of any kind is respect... Thats my definition... Many of the issues I have discussed in this entry can stem from love but are not love itself in their own right... Whereas, in my opinion, respect is love... Whether that be for your friend or your child or a lover or a complete stranger... You are doing love to that person... From there any kind of tangent love can develop...
'His' definition of love? Hopefully I am going to word this correctly... 'Love is a state of being where the welfare and happiness of another person is as important to you as your own happiness and wellbeing'... Im not sure I got that wording completely correct, but it was something like that... I think its a beautiful sentiment and I have to say I agree with it...
Ive learned more than I thought I would doing this assignment... Its been a fascinating journey... Its also been hard... But well worth it... Its allowed me to become clearer on what I feel and on what I have intuitively known but not been able to pin down as being missing from some of the relationships I am currently involved in... Knowing and being able to verbalise it means I can now speak my mind, be understood, and potentially walk away with confidence and a real feeling of closure... I will know I have exhausted each and every avenue possible in order to save the relationship...
Mmm, its a good feeling... Clarity, simplicity, and a complete lack of complication... I guess there really is a first time for everything huh? ;)
Assignment: What is your definition of love?
(This assignment was set for me by someone whose presence in my life is teaching me a great deal as well as providing the opportunity and the tools to bring about some very real healing... He is also someone I admire and respect and enjoy spending time with)...
How do you define something you have such limited experience with? At least such limited exposure to an unwarped version of anyway... Even just the question is making my head spin at the moment for some reason... I cant explain why, but every time I begin to attempt to address this assignment, my whole mind goes blank... Its obviously touching a very raw nerve or something similar, otherwise why the immediate shutdown every time I begin to think about it?
Maybe I am simply afraid of what I will find once I actually sit down and define this thing once and for all... Maybe the reason I dont want to sit down and define it is because in doing so it is going to force me to see things I have been refusing to see... And with me, that means I will be forced (by myself) to take action... This one is going to hurt, thats for sure...
Ok, so how to address the assignment... Well, first I guess I should start by sorting out my thoughts... Brace yourselves, this could be a long entry...
My experiences of love have been many and varied... But for the majority of time, none of these experiences have matched my definition of love...
Im still not sure how to word my definition of love, so I am going to try and further pin it down by writing about the things I know its not...
Love is not about control... Its neither about controlling the one you love nor is it about being controlled... When you truly love someone you accept them just the way they are... You encourage them and support them, but you never try to control them...
Manipulation, emotional blackmail, threats, intimidation, phsyical force, secrets and lies... These are all forms of control... And more often than not, it is these things that have formed the basis of the relationships in my life where people have claimed to love me... From my parents, to friends and lovers... Its always been the same... Have I believed that the majority of these people believed they loved me, at least at some stage? Unequivocally yes... Do I believe that these people truly understand what love is? Equally unequivocally no...
Love is not conditional... 'If you really loved me you would...' What a load of crap! The number of times I have had that ultimatum thrown at me, *fumes inside*, well, it makes me sick! You know what?! If YOU loved ME then you WOULDNT bloody give me an ultimatum in the first place! No, when you love someone, you love that person for who they are... It doesnt mean you have to agree with all of their choices or like what they do...
Love is not just a bunch of pretty words alone... Pretty words can be beautiful and even genuinely heartfelt, but without the actions to back them up, the words mean nothing... Until and unless you can live by the words you speak you are better off remaining silent... Real love isnot simply a fantasy world spun out of pretty words...
Love is not always easy... Neither is it painless or without trials... Believing otherwise is niave and dangerous...
Love is not about settling... Being content in someone's company is not love, its contentment... Being relieved that you are no longer alone in this world is not love, its relief from lonliness... Love is not being used to someone, thats just familiarity... Love is not feeling like you have a connection with someone just because they listen to you and dont judge you and even seem to understand where you are coming from, thats just projective identification... Its like 'falling' for your therapist... Its not the real deal... They are purely pleasant emotional responses driven by a need for acceptance and understanding which have little or nothing to do with who the person really is, but with their empathic and sympathetic skills...
The feeling you get having an intellegent, attractive, witty, wealthy, powerful (or any other attribute you aspire to) person you otherwise would have delusionally believed was 'out of your league' voluntarily spend time with you is not love, its awe... And its also an indication you have some serious self esteem issues...
Love is not infatuation... While infatuation may be one of the phases of falling in love, it will not last and so when it is gone, without real love you will be left with nothing...
Love is also not purely an inability to think about anyone else (although this can be a side effect of 'falling' in love), thats just obsession... Noris love a pleasant phsyical reaction experienced while in that persons presence or even at the very thought of them, thats just arousal (whether it be mental or sexual, its still just arousal)...
There are probably a million and one other things I could say about what love isnt, but I think I am finally getting to the point where I have cleared my head enough to maybe begin to address the actual question... Who knows, but here goes anyway...
Love is, in its most base form, respect... Its respectful of my right to be myself and your right to be you... Out of that respect it is possible for anything to grow... But yes, on the most basic level I can think of I believe that love begins with and cannot exist without respect...
I believe that love is very much a verb (doing word)... I believe that unless you 'do' love to the person you claim to love, you cant love them... It is very literally a case of 'Actions speak louder than words'... No, Im not talking about flowers (which Im allergic to by the way! lol) and chocolates and teddy bears and hallmark cards... Im talking about the simpler, less showy things... Im talking about listening when the other person speaks and actually hearing them... About caring about even the tiniest details like making sure their shoulders are covered by the blanket in the middle of the night... Its about making someone else's needs important in your own life (but not to the complete exclusion of your own)... Its about sharing and true intimacy... Its about providing a safe place for another to be themselves without fear of reprisal or judgement... Its about so many things...
Love takes guts and determination... It takes courage because in truly loving someone you are opening yourself up and to a certain extent making yourself vulnerable to them... As wonderful as they are able to make you feel, they also have the potential to hurt you that much too... So yeah, it takes a whole lot of courage, and trust too... Determination is needed to stop yourself from shutting down and closing yourself off to protect yourself against such a threat... Its also there for the times when things arent so wonderful and you need to work your way through the bad times...
Naturally there are about a gazillion other things I would like to say about love and my experiences of it but to be honest Im tired and my head is beginning to spin out of control again, which means Im about to lose the clarity I require to keep this entry making sense and being worthwhile...
Bottom line? Love of any kind is respect... Thats my definition... Many of the issues I have discussed in this entry can stem from love but are not love itself in their own right... Whereas, in my opinion, respect is love... Whether that be for your friend or your child or a lover or a complete stranger... You are doing love to that person... From there any kind of tangent love can develop...
'His' definition of love? Hopefully I am going to word this correctly... 'Love is a state of being where the welfare and happiness of another person is as important to you as your own happiness and wellbeing'... Im not sure I got that wording completely correct, but it was something like that... I think its a beautiful sentiment and I have to say I agree with it...
Ive learned more than I thought I would doing this assignment... Its been a fascinating journey... Its also been hard... But well worth it... Its allowed me to become clearer on what I feel and on what I have intuitively known but not been able to pin down as being missing from some of the relationships I am currently involved in... Knowing and being able to verbalise it means I can now speak my mind, be understood, and potentially walk away with confidence and a real feeling of closure... I will know I have exhausted each and every avenue possible in order to save the relationship...
Mmm, its a good feeling... Clarity, simplicity, and a complete lack of complication... I guess there really is a first time for everything huh? ;)
Back Entry: On receiving a new name...
Tonight I met 'lil jade'...
She was a gift from someone very special and I know that over the coming months and years I am going to grow to love her... *stops in an attempt to try and collect her thoughts*...
Tonight, right at this moment, I am feeling good... I feel centred and integrated and 'here'... And that suprises me... Everything about what has been happening suprises me... How can being, in some ways, so completely out of your depth, leave you feeling so secure and so calm? Its a fascinating question... I so wish I could ellaborate more but it continues to be private... Something I choose to keep for myself alone right now... But it is a good thing... And on so many levels... The lessons I am learning and the effects on my life are phenomenal...
She was a gift from someone very special and I know that over the coming months and years I am going to grow to love her... *stops in an attempt to try and collect her thoughts*...
Tonight, right at this moment, I am feeling good... I feel centred and integrated and 'here'... And that suprises me... Everything about what has been happening suprises me... How can being, in some ways, so completely out of your depth, leave you feeling so secure and so calm? Its a fascinating question... I so wish I could ellaborate more but it continues to be private... Something I choose to keep for myself alone right now... But it is a good thing... And on so many levels... The lessons I am learning and the effects on my life are phenomenal...
Back Entry: After my first Session...
The events of Saturday night (25/03/06) have completely changed my life...
They have given me hope where I thought there was none and they have opened up new doors to a more stable and controlled life... I am still very sick and I am still extremely unstable... BUT... At least now I have some hope... I have been able to tap into something that is going to allow me to stay so much safer... And for that I am deeply grateful...
They have given me hope where I thought there was none and they have opened up new doors to a more stable and controlled life... I am still very sick and I am still extremely unstable... BUT... At least now I have some hope... I have been able to tap into something that is going to allow me to stay so much safer... And for that I am deeply grateful...
Back Entry: Why I decided to try BDSM...
'When the student is ready, the teacher will appear'
Such powerful words...
It is no secret that I have been drowning in the chaos of bipolar and post traumatic stress related issues lately... The mood swings are phenomenal and have become completely unpredictable... I have felt quite literally at times as though I am about to lose my mind... Never before have the flashbacks and fear been so intense... And never before have I felt like things were spiralling quite so badly out of control...
But to look at me, no-one would know...
At least not most of the time anyway... Because outside of the occasional flood of tears prompted by a particularly emotional topic or the fluttering of my butterfly-like hands when I am feeling nervous and afraid, I look like I am more in control than ever before... I walk around with a seemingly cold hard look on my face... I appear ready to take down anything or anyone who crosses my path... It is only here in this journal and in the occasional extremely private conversation that that cover slips and the true extent of my current fragility is revealed... Truly, right now, my face belies the reality of what is happening inside me...
And in amongst all the turbulence a still, quiet, unassuming voice steps forward and speaks out...
For quite some time now I have been fascinated by the psychological concept behind 'Dominants and Submissives' and other similar behaviours... I was initially under the impression that it fascinated me purely on the basis that it was such a seemingly primal, emotionally raw,extreme existence... I am now fast learning that there is much more to it than that for me... My fascination has become so much more personal... I have begun to crave knowledge on the subject and I am fast reaching a point where I would like to further explore and possibly even experience (although not necessarily sexually) these dynamics at work...
Most of my research, funnily enough, has been done via the observation of some msn spaces dealing with the topic... There has been one space I have visited in particular that I have found especially enlightening... And its not until you begin to really research that you find that thetrue 'Dominant and Submissive' experience really has very little to do with either the stereotypical sex or black leather... Yes, that is the popularised concept and a quite widely employed practice... But in reality, the heart of it is so very different...
True Dominant and Submissive behaviour has nothing whatsoever to do with bossiness and obedience for the sake of it... That sort of behaviour, in my opinion, is reserved for sensationalised movie scenes and those niave`enough to believe that , by playacting in such an unhealthy manner, they are going to be able to fit into some trendy subculture... No, thats not what its all about at all... Its about exploringyourself and your limits... Its about extending yourself... Its about complete and unconditional trust... Its a symbiotic relationship where both parties are getting what they need, not just the one in control...
And from what I have read, the 'Dominant and Submissive' experience actually tends to lean much more toward the Submissive getting what they need... The Dominant's challenge is to accurately read the Submissive and to steer the experience in the right direction, making sure that they push the limits of the Submissive without pushing too hard... I think that either role would be fascinating to explore...
Another facet that fascinates me about this concept is the amount of control that both Dominant and Submissive must exercise over themselves in order to make it work... The discipline goes well beyond almost anything I have ever seen before... It fascinates and excites me to evenbegin to imagine the level of control and focus this kind of activity would require... I see it as both a challenge and a solution to the often scattered thought processes I battle as a result of the bipolar...
Once you have read quite a bit on the subject, the stereotypical picture of the Dominant quickly slips away and is replaced almost completely by a picture of an almost parental figure with the detachment and skills of a qualified therapist... Its a truly strange mix, but potentially very powerful... And as with anything, it has an equal potential to be lifechanging in an amazing way or absolutely devestatingly damaging...
Ultimately it all comes down to finding the right person at the right time and keeping the right healthy dynamic within the relationship... If I choose to explore this way of life further in the future, it should provide some fascinating insights... And if not... If it all stays hypothetical and conceptual, well, Ive already made some amazing discoveries, so its a win/win situation so far... :)
Such powerful words...
It is no secret that I have been drowning in the chaos of bipolar and post traumatic stress related issues lately... The mood swings are phenomenal and have become completely unpredictable... I have felt quite literally at times as though I am about to lose my mind... Never before have the flashbacks and fear been so intense... And never before have I felt like things were spiralling quite so badly out of control...
But to look at me, no-one would know...
At least not most of the time anyway... Because outside of the occasional flood of tears prompted by a particularly emotional topic or the fluttering of my butterfly-like hands when I am feeling nervous and afraid, I look like I am more in control than ever before... I walk around with a seemingly cold hard look on my face... I appear ready to take down anything or anyone who crosses my path... It is only here in this journal and in the occasional extremely private conversation that that cover slips and the true extent of my current fragility is revealed... Truly, right now, my face belies the reality of what is happening inside me...
And in amongst all the turbulence a still, quiet, unassuming voice steps forward and speaks out...
For quite some time now I have been fascinated by the psychological concept behind 'Dominants and Submissives' and other similar behaviours... I was initially under the impression that it fascinated me purely on the basis that it was such a seemingly primal, emotionally raw,extreme existence... I am now fast learning that there is much more to it than that for me... My fascination has become so much more personal... I have begun to crave knowledge on the subject and I am fast reaching a point where I would like to further explore and possibly even experience (although not necessarily sexually) these dynamics at work...
Most of my research, funnily enough, has been done via the observation of some msn spaces dealing with the topic... There has been one space I have visited in particular that I have found especially enlightening... And its not until you begin to really research that you find that thetrue 'Dominant and Submissive' experience really has very little to do with either the stereotypical sex or black leather... Yes, that is the popularised concept and a quite widely employed practice... But in reality, the heart of it is so very different...
True Dominant and Submissive behaviour has nothing whatsoever to do with bossiness and obedience for the sake of it... That sort of behaviour, in my opinion, is reserved for sensationalised movie scenes and those niave`enough to believe that , by playacting in such an unhealthy manner, they are going to be able to fit into some trendy subculture... No, thats not what its all about at all... Its about exploringyourself and your limits... Its about extending yourself... Its about complete and unconditional trust... Its a symbiotic relationship where both parties are getting what they need, not just the one in control...
And from what I have read, the 'Dominant and Submissive' experience actually tends to lean much more toward the Submissive getting what they need... The Dominant's challenge is to accurately read the Submissive and to steer the experience in the right direction, making sure that they push the limits of the Submissive without pushing too hard... I think that either role would be fascinating to explore...
Another facet that fascinates me about this concept is the amount of control that both Dominant and Submissive must exercise over themselves in order to make it work... The discipline goes well beyond almost anything I have ever seen before... It fascinates and excites me to evenbegin to imagine the level of control and focus this kind of activity would require... I see it as both a challenge and a solution to the often scattered thought processes I battle as a result of the bipolar...
Once you have read quite a bit on the subject, the stereotypical picture of the Dominant quickly slips away and is replaced almost completely by a picture of an almost parental figure with the detachment and skills of a qualified therapist... Its a truly strange mix, but potentially very powerful... And as with anything, it has an equal potential to be lifechanging in an amazing way or absolutely devestatingly damaging...
Ultimately it all comes down to finding the right person at the right time and keeping the right healthy dynamic within the relationship... If I choose to explore this way of life further in the future, it should provide some fascinating insights... And if not... If it all stays hypothetical and conceptual, well, Ive already made some amazing discoveries, so its a win/win situation so far... :)
Back Entry: (Where it all began) When sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction...
Immaculately groomed and perfectly still she waits on her knees in the entryway in front of the open door...
She is in a short, form-fitting, black satin, asian styled dress and matching black satin stilettos... The subliminally submissive undertones of the outfit perfect for the occassion... Her long golden hair falls gently forward, covering most of her face, almost completely hiding the black satin blindfold she is wearing... She kneels obediently... With her head bowed, her eyes closed underneath the blindfold and her hands crossed behind her back as though bound by an invisible silk scarf...
In silence she waits obediently for a man she has never met... In silence she awaits the arrival of her Master...
Trancelike and still unsure of what it is she truly seeks, she knows it is time... She knows she is now ready for anything... Even death...
She is in a short, form-fitting, black satin, asian styled dress and matching black satin stilettos... The subliminally submissive undertones of the outfit perfect for the occassion... Her long golden hair falls gently forward, covering most of her face, almost completely hiding the black satin blindfold she is wearing... She kneels obediently... With her head bowed, her eyes closed underneath the blindfold and her hands crossed behind her back as though bound by an invisible silk scarf...
In silence she waits obediently for a man she has never met... In silence she awaits the arrival of her Master...
Trancelike and still unsure of what it is she truly seeks, she knows it is time... She knows she is now ready for anything... Even death...
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