Up and Down and in Danger...

I am depressed and manic and switching all over the place lately...

I can't make it stop :(

Thankfully (but for how long, I do not know as triggers are everywhere for this particular Alter lately), I seem to have found ways to settle enough to sate Elyria's rage... and although she comes and goes, for the most part she simply remains close to the surface but not completely 'out'...

Scarlet is in and out too...

I have no idea of who I am... I am just here I guess... writing again... coming and going as the 'Others' come up for air and take charge for a while before disappearing beneath the surface again (for some reason the surface appears as water in my minds eye... perhaps there is an art piece waiting to be birthed, who knows...)

I don't even really know what I want to say here... So much and yet so little... all at once

The mania I have been experiencing reminds me of my old bipolar days (which may or may not have been a misdiagnosis)... And some of the accompanying behaviour is reminiscent of those days too... but I am not going to go into specifics right here, right now... It is enough to say that on a logical level only (as I have been severely switched out at the point in time that these 'concerning behaviours have occurred) I have deep concerns about some of the people I have been 'choosing' to spend my time with and about those I have rejected spending my time with of late...

I expressed some of these concerns (using specific details) to someone close to me last night and was met with an emotionally aggressive response I would never have expected... She is also D.I.D. and deals with her life in a completely different way to Me, so perhaps I hit a nerve, I don't know... I only know that I walked away feeling more unsafe and alone than ever in this... I had hoped for potential insight; both into her own coping strategies and her observations of my own recent behaviour, in the hope of being able to pinpoint and fix where things must be going wrong, so that I don't risk finding myself in a much bigger mess after having worked so very hard to achieve the safety (in the physical world) that I have finally achieved...

I don't know where to turn now...

I see the signs... and like a freight train, racing down a hill with failed brakes, I watch on... helplessly... trapped inside at crucial moments, hoping and praying that the Alters who put Me into these current situations, will this time, stick around long enough to accomplish what they chose to begin... and that the resulting new internal strength and self-protection they have promised me will result, actually results...

I am afraid of things going the way they used to... I am afraid of being badly hurt again... so badly that I end up in an emergency ward... or worse still, in a psychiatric ward...

I do feel different though... somehow more stable in this harsher resolve that still doesn't feel as though it belongs to Me... For the first time in a very long time, the Alters who are switching out actually feel so foreign that they feel like completely separate entities who have simply decided to walk into My Body and to operate Me from the inside as though I were a helpless, lifeless puppet... I feel bullied by them...

Perhaps this is because I am blonde... and those coming and going right now (more than I am even here anymore) are all brunettes... Scarlet is the softest of the brunettes, that I have 'met' so far... I don't feel so bullied by her... But the situations I find Myself in as her, very literally require my surrender to her... If I don't... if I am suddenly 'here' in those situations as 'Me', the damage would be massive... So even though I do not feel bullied by her, I still feel powerless to 'regain control' when she is around, doing what she does...

A part of Me is also standing back and watching, right now...

These Alters are assertive, where I have not been able to be... they are unafraid, where I have been terrified... They are confident they can re-write history in the present day (by recreating certain situations with old abusers in the current day and making them end differently, with the power and a 'win' of sorts, going to 'Us'), where I had previously come to accept what had happened and had been trying to find ways to simply move on and leave it all behind...

A part of Me likes some of what these Alters are and wishes she were more like them... A part of Me hopes that at the end of all of this, perhaps I will be... only I will still retain My soft and gentle, loving, hopeful Heart... I do not know if this is possible or not... But I am watching carefully... and I am learning... FAST

Even now, amidst My own fear of what is happening, 'they' are pushing through and trying to re-direct this 'cry for help'; turning it into a celebration of changes afoot, that I am neither sure are safe or desirable...

What happens if, in all of this, I lose people I love... Already, these Alters have an incredibly low tolerance for my Mother; a relationship I have worked hard to create and nurture, despite our history... And they have this same lack of tolerance and compassion for a few other key people in my Life also...

What am I to do?

How do I save relationships that are nothing but another's memories to these Alters that I actually, almost completely AM so much of the time these days??? Particularly when the relationships I am 'supposed' to be saving... or more to the point, not obliterating as 'I' would like to, literally drive the Alters 'I' am, to distraction... making them even more enraged and unhinged than they already are?!

Whatever the outcome here, I have to go as I am running incredibly late...

Today is my youngest daughter's 11th birthday and I have to find a way to be able to 'switch out' and be able to be all soft and loving and gentle and able to deal with my family, who are coming over to celebrate with her and to make her feel special... The softest parts of Me do Love her so very much... and certainly feel for her - she is incredibly emotionally fragile and has had a rough time lately... I just need to find a way to access those parts in time... time I do not have more than about 20 minutes of, left... I do not want to miss my little girl's birthday! (more on that later perhaps) :'(

Elyria takes Control...

For far too long now, my hair has been stained with Elyria's Darkness...

And it simply won't come out...

It is too Late...

No matter what I do right now, Elyria (and those she brings with Her), is here, for as Long as She wants... to stay

It has come to the point, where I cannot even truly recognise photographs of Myself as the blonde I have always been...

The blonde-ness looks wrong... and out of place... and unattractive... It looks like a bad choice that I once made... and looking at those photographs repulses Me, as I wonder how I could possibly have ever thought that I looked good as the blonde I actually naturally am by Birth!

That I can still remember, via 'snapshots' of words that describe emotions I am not able to connect to but somehow know happened in this Body, loving being a blonde... and being praised as Beautiful... even having believed as such Myself... well... it disturbs Me on a very deep level...

I am afraid to Trust... After all, how could I possibly trust eyes that would one day tell Me I was beautiful as a blonde, which now betray whomever I was at that point in time, with eyes that now tell Me that I looked repulsive as that blonde... and only Beautiful now that I am Raven-haired and my true colour??? And all for no more proof or reason I can find, than a simple psychological switch???

Yes, I am disturbed... internally... and externally

Deeply.

Even my daughters know the name Elyria... and that it belongs in some way (even though they do not understand how)... to Me

Elyria is making changes in My Life that I do not know whether or not I should want and embrace or not... Most of them are Protective... and... long overdue... But as I can only guess at the wisdom and functionality of what I may have once wanted, (for Her feelings and belief systems are so very strong right now), what am I to do?

I am not even sure of how it is that I am even writing in here... I recognise My Voice... but I do not know why She is allowing it... or Me... I no longer even know if I am Me... or if perhaps She actually is the Me that 'We' truly are... Or perhaps neither of 'Us', nor any others of 'Us' inside are truly a Me...

I don't even know anymore... And I used to feel as though I knew

I am grateful for the opportunity, not the chance, as it is not by chance I am here, but by Her Choice, and so therefor, opportunity... to breathe in here... I felt like I was suffocating...

She is so Dark... and deceptively balanced... But her hatred of the World last night, came screaming to the surface... after a Betrayal that She accidentally found confirmation of, yesterday... And I am powerless to shut It or Her down...

I think, perhaps, I am screaming out for Help in here right now... But it will not do any good... because the second I stop writing, I will be gone again... Her Hatred will reign... and although, on some level, I will keep 'Us' secluded from those She would seek to eradicate from 'Our' Life, I will not be here to feel... only Elyria and Her Gang will be around, controlling everything... And what 'They' do not feel... what I cannot make 'Them' feel... well, I cannot force any of 'Them' to Act upon... It is only this Internal Treaty that has, so far, kept, the almost imminent now, massive sweeping changes 'They' see as necessary, from having already been enforced... and even that is only possible because of this  current Internally-Agreed-Upon seclusion

It is time for Me to go now...

My Feelings have been becoming a Little too strong (how and why is there a Little in here somewhere???)... and the Threat I am beginning to pose to this current World Order, could have Me lose this Space (journal) altogether, if I do not Honour this Trust and Leniency I have been momentarily and provisionally Granted

I am not even really sure of My Name... I only know, that I am whomever usually writes in here... And that 'Our' psychologist is going to be truly Tested and then kept or discarded by Elyria, based entirely upon whether She passes or fails this latest Opportunity to Get to Know 'Us'...

I am Afraid