Dissociated

Right now I must be pretty much dissociated out of my mind!

I just can't seem to keep anything straight in my head...

Ben just bought me another Sandman comic; one I desperately wanted... and I can't seem to understand that it really IS here and that it really IS mine AND that I'm allowed to touch it........

Added to that... Ben was here in the room with the girls and I at the same time as we are watching a vodcast that him and some friends created and for some reason I just couldn't seem to assimilate or process the fact he was here AND on the television screen...

Then... We watched 'Thor' and I couldn't seem to keep in my mind the fact it was just a story...

I've felt myself coming and going all day long... even though I can't possibly define who has been here and who hasn't... And logic isn't matching my feelings, only it's the opposite to what I'd expected... or maybe it is matching... I don't even know anymore...

I'm just really not okay...

And I can't read him at all... only just when I think I can't, he becomes suddenly transparent...

I'm in a whole lot of pain, which isn't helping... but it's not that...

*sigh*

I think this is just going to take time... the question is: Why do I feel like I'm running out of it... and so fast?

Determined to do it RIGHT...

A few hours ago, I woke up from a terrible nightmare in which 'He' was angry at me and, in disgust, spat out the words (at me) 'Oh my god! Is there nothing you don't have feelings on?!'

Naturally I was shocked... deeply distressed... and devastated... I felt pain that hurt so deeply, a guttural scream, (that originated in a place deeper inside of Me than inside of my bones and deeper even than in the pitt of my stomach... but from the deepest depths of my core)... tore its way through my very soul as it made its way to the surface...

It has taken me all this time to start to understand that this really hasn't happened in real life; that this really isn't something I have proof he feels but in fact, if anything, I have proof of the contrary... Now whether I am picking up on something subtle and these nightmares are an internal warning to back off a little bit for a little while... whether they are simply an outworking of huge PTSD issues after Darren's lying and prying into my psyche, only to turn around and damn me for what he demanded from me in the first place... PTSD from others' emotionally contemptuous and abusive treatment of me... or whether I am just simply afraid... I really cannot tell...

For the sake of my sanity, at least in the short term, however, I have decided to do what I can to subdue the urge I have (which is greatly encouraged by 'him') to lay my soul bare and to reveal, to him, everything I am thinking and feeling... I need to feel as though I have 'skin on'... not just in front of him... but even when I am alone... for My sake...

Boundaries are okay... I desperately need to remember this... and I need to find a way to define them even when I so whole-heartedly don't want to... I want to tell him everything (that he wants to know)... I want to be truly known... and eventually... loved... by him... But right now, for there to be even the slimmest hope of that happening, I have to find a way to 're-group' and to find my truest self and my confidence again... And I can't do that all the while I am emotionally bleeding in front of him... whether that bleeding be beautiful and wonderful (falling so innocently and completely in love), or tragic and painful (falling apart and drowning in my past)... I just can't

It is too much... It is too soon... And although that is not how I feel... or even what I want... it has become apparent that this is, in fact, the case, via my lack of ability to remain confident and whole under his silent, steady gaze...

Insecure and broken is NOT sexy... nor is it what he loves about Me... (He loves My strength and My force of will and My determination... and my Heart)... He is not Darren or Peter or Rob or Andrew... or any of the others who have come before... And I will NOT allow Myself to be reduced, either in my own experience, or in His eyes, to the anxiety-ridden and paralysed, brittle and fragile, broken-ness and pain that I keep transiently drowning in right now... It simply is NOT going to HAPPEN!

I want him in my life in a healthy way... In a way that just might stick, if he is the right person for Me... And even more than any of that (which is more than enough motivation in and of itself because, already, he is so very important to Me), I want to be able to do this; to get it right... because only then will I be able to know what this part of Safe looks like... and only then... once I know how to say 'No', will I finally be able to say... 'Yes'...

I want to love and to be loved...

And right now, I am, in and out of (you've just got to love this multiplicity thing huh? :/) falling in love... with Him

Something I wrote (for him) yesterday...

Beautiful enigmatic nuance...
Juxtaposed against masculine intrinsic need...
Moreover, artistically resplendent...
Transcendant oracle...
(so beautifully) Niave

I love him...

Oh my god! That's it!

I love him...

I barely know him... and I certainly cannot truly justify what I am saying... nor the ludicrously short period of time I have known him, in which this has developed inside of Me... but I really can't keep running from this and stay un-dissociated...

I... love... him

I love what I do know of him... and I love what I can sense of him...

At this point... at this stage... so far... I do... love him!

I am afraid of what he would think and of how he might possibly recoil, or completely withdraw if he read these words and misinterpreted them (to mean that I think I know all of who he is already and am able to Love him completely - which I don't and I can't possibly at this stage or likely any time soon)... but a part of feeling my feelings, and freeing myself from this horrible dissociative fog, I suppose, is having the courage to be able to own them... here... where I cannot run from their reality...

And so, as terrifying as these feelings are for Me... they are... none the less, true...

I love him

And that is why I dissociated so badly last night... I needed to tell him... I needed him to know that that is why I was ready to do what we did... that it is how and why I gave Myself to him...

Bloody hell! It is all so damned simple... and yet so fragile and complicated... :(

What I will do now... I have no idea... but at least I know... and that is something I can work with...

So beautiful...

His words are so beautiful...

And I want them...

He says they belong to Me...

I believe him... I believe

Nooooooooo! :'(

There are many times lately, when I am screaming inside...

I don't even know how I feel or why anymore... This happiness I feel is bliss one moment... and some undefinable living hell the next...

I really can't explain it...

I suspect that underlying the living hell portion, are unresolved Darren issues... Or perhaps not unresolved as much as unprocessed... I don't want to go back there... EVER... there is no question about that...

No, it's more that before I had the chance to feel all of the feelings associated with everything I went through at his hands, I was caught up in this bliss... A bliss that has very possibly, not quite saved my life... but not far off of that mark either...

I find myself so in and out of 'consciousness' these days... Sometimes I am living inside of my body, completely in the moment... and it is wonderful... And then suddenly I am not... I am numb... and I am watching someone else's life unfolding... in a body that should be mine... and yet isn't... even though it actually is...

I don't know what to do... I don't know how to anchor myself to Me...

So much of the time I feel torn between such a beautiful, blissful, serene existence and this numb, sometimes even desolate, un-reality I currently find myself in... :(

Last night was a perfect example of that...

For so many reasons, last night was incredibly special...

And yet, there I was... completely unable to stay anchored to Me... I drifted between moments of intense reality... and moments of nothingness; where I could see what was going on but not touch it :'(

There was not a single thing I could do about it...

To have said something would have drawn attention to it... and I am ashamed of it enough already... I just can't face that kind of exposure... not on top of all of the other ways I feel so raw and exposed right now... No, saying something would only have made the chronic dissociation worse :(

But in saying nothing, I was left so completely alone in it... I was trying desperately to 'come back'... I felt so numb and cold and isolated... but not shamed... I did feel a-shamed... just not shamed publicly

There were moments in which I was so keenly aware of what was happening... of the realisation of a 'dream' I have had for what feels like forever, but in reality has only been a matter of weeks... And in those moments, there was an almost perfection of sorts; a perfection in which, despite the physical limitations I am currently experiencing, my whole body began to 'sing' with sensation; I was truly there...

And then there was the Nothing...

No matter how hard I fought it off, it kept gaining strength and returning, over and over and over again... until I could no longer feel anything except the physical pain I am in all of the time these days :'(

I became trapped... inside of the pain and outside of Myself... watching my body mimic all of the right responses, without being able to truly feel what was going on myself, almost at all... The strangest part was, that I was not faking any of it... 'Someone' was there... just not Me... and I could not feel that 'someone's' feelings... or experience the sensations their body was experiencing... I could only watch... devastated that I could not be there myself no matter how hard I tried...

I still feel the same way... even though I am now here completely alone... even though somehow, apparently, these are My hands typing this entry... I cannot, no matter how hard I try... connect to feeling Me

I wish I could turn back the clock and experience the perfection I deserved last night... instead of being trapped watching it unfold around me and all over me and inside of me... I wish I could have stayed :'(

The worst part is that unless I can find a way to truly let this go... it is only going to get worse... or at best, remain at the current level...

I don't want to be alone like this... I don't want to be Elyria; the sexually taken, yet chaste one... I don't want to forever remain so 'haunted'... I want to be NORMAL! I want to LIVE! I want the life that BELONGS TO ME! :'(

:'(

How do I do it? How do I re-join a life I do not voluntarily keep leaving? :'(

Please... I just want to be able to feel My feelings... and for that to be safe...



And once again... despite how much I have said... I have said nothing I truly wanted to say (I think)...

To Me, my words sound hollow and trite... they fall out of my mouth and mind... and onto this page, flat and lifeless... empty... (despite how heart-wrenchingly honest and pain-filled they are)... Or perhaps it is simply that they fall so far short of being able to express the depth and breadth of how and what I am truly feeling right now... I don't know... :'(

When am I going to be able to finally break through this dissociated fog and begin living again? :'(

Happy...

Once again, Ben lays sleeping beside me...

And I feel happy... Just happy... No complicated messes of feelings swirling around inside of my head... No confusion... No emptiness... Just... happy :)

I feel as though almost everything is as it should be...

I am almost done tying up all of the loose ends with regard to my old goolwa friends, which means that at long last, all of the residual reminders of where I have been and what has happened, will soon, no longer be 'in my face'... And it can't happen soon enough :)

I still can't get my head around why Ben's name makes no sense to me... or, to be honest, what that even means... I really quite like his name... I just have this strange feeling that I have known him before and that Ben wasn't his name... although I believe him when he tells me his name is Ben...

Gah! Stupid darned head! :/

Anyway, what is in a name... right? :p

And maybe he is right... Maybe we feel we know one another simply because of how incredibly similar we are... I don't know... and I don't even really care all that much anymore because I am just feeling so peaceful and happy about this relationship I am in with him... Yes, I know... I can't believe I am saying it... I am in a relationship!

But enough about all of that...

Today has been pretty rocky for me, to be honest, although I had no idea until it was well and truly too late...

(oops... fell asleep typing again)

The long and the short of it is that I basically had waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time, delving into my own mind... Not for no good reason, however... I have been writing up explanations to go with the pictures from my drawing journals... I am almost finished now but yesterday was hard slog, to say the least... I didn't even notice how much time had passed until my alarm went off at 3:10pm to remind me to go and get the girls from school... A whole day...

It wasn't until I was speaking to a girlfriend on the phone later that I realised just how deeply effected I was by what I had been doing... All of a sudden, I found myself in tears and feeling completely overwhelmed... My containment skills were shot to hell and I was afraid that everyone would think Darren was right; all I really am is a victim... I wanted to scream out, at the top of my lungs, that it wasn't true... But that's just it... That fear doesn't belong to Me... and I know it! It is just faulty, conditioned thinking... and it will be gone very soon

Last night was so wonderful...

Ben met my family and they loved him... :)

It felt as though he had always been a part of us somehow; he just belonged...

Damn it! Why can't I let go and write properly these past few days??? :( I am stuck... and although I am writing things that are true, I am not saying what I really want to be saying... I don't even know what I really want to say... except that I do, but they are just feelings I can't seem to put words to for some reason... And every word I write, right now, seems contrived... Aaaaaargh! :/

*sigh*

I'll get there if I just keep pushing through I guess...

But the bottom line, today, and for approximately a month now, is that I am happy... Perhaps that is the problem with this entry... perhaps that's all I really needed to write this time... I am happy <3

Lost and frantic...

I am lost...

I finally got my key back today... and I am lost

I feel this frantic urgency inside... I want to run screaming... I want to beg anyone who will listen, to promise me that 'he' won't get me again...

But it wasn't that bad... (or) was it????

Tonight I can't concentrate... and I can't sleep :(

Ben lays beside me, blissfully unaware of the screaming that just won't stop inside my head... He is unaware of so many things... but then so am I... I have no clue whatsoever, as to what is going on with me right now :'(

I feel like I'm going crazy again...

I can't touch him right now... and his name doesn't make any sense to me... it never has, but now more than ever... Why doesn't his name fit? Who is he really?... inside

And why do I keep swinging between being in love with him and not even being able to remember his name?

Why has the nightmare I had about Darren and getting my key back today, thrown me so much???

Why am I so terrified of Darren??? because that's what it is; terror...

What the hell am I missing here?

And why is this entry so frustratingly not saying any of the things I really want it to say... even though I have no idea of what it is I really want to say anyway??? :'(

She's gone... :(

Where is Annabel?

Has anyone seen her? Where did she go? How and why did she just vanish? And who on earth (or anywhere else for that matter) does that make Me???

Annabel has caused such catastrophic quakes inside of Me... Her insistence on being so publicly announced... Her outing herself, and in doing so, Me, to Ben... The ramifications of the re-realisation 'We' are multiple...

Why would she do this??? :(

How could she have managed this? What loophole in my psyche did I leave gaping open long enough, for her to have slipped out through the cracks???

What does this all mean?

Am I okay? Am I going crazy (but don't know it)? Was Darren right all along? Am I really no good and of no real use to anyone? And where did those words even come from (because I don't remember him ever actually saying them)...

What the hell is wrong with Me??? :'(

I feel so incredibly foolish and ashamed for ever feeling Annabel was real... and yet... she was...

(Real time for this entry 2:48am)