Happy Birthday, My Little Angel :(

So, today our daughter, Charlotte, would have turned 1 year old...

In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago that I found out I was pregnant... Our relationship feels like a lifetime ago too... And yet, it wasn't...

Just under two years ago, we got the most wonderful and tragic news... I don't regret the decision we made not to go through with the pregnancy... There were so many reasons that we decided not to bring our little girl into the world... And there are even more reasons now, that have confirmed that this was the only decision we could have responsibly made...

For weeks I have been becoming more and more agitated and unsettled inside... And until very recently, I had no idea of why... Just as I had no idea why every time I heard or saw the date 'April 29', my whole body would tense up and there would be this screaming inside that I couldn't locate any conscious reason for... And why, having the court ordered custody mediation session today, seemed so cruel...

Then it hit me...

Charlotte's birthday...

I had thought I would have been a complete write-off today... and I braced myself against it... But last night (and I have no idea of how or why), this feeling of calm and peace just seemed to descend over me...

I wish I could believe it was her...

I wish I could believe that there was some way in which my daughter and I could have truly met... and that I could have done more than simply hold her inside of my body for those 8 precious weeks... But I don't think that I believe in spirits staying behind to guide and hold and watch over us, after death... It would be so comforting to be able to run away from how I feel, to that idea in some ways... but I don't think I really believe that... So... Reality it is then...

I often wonder what she would have been like... And today, for the very first time, that doesn't make me want to cry... I am so surprised by that... and grateful

Maybe the intensity of grief I have felt over her death has finally ebbed away... I really don't know... Maybe my whole internal system simply hit overload after all of the stress I have been under for so long now, and it has left me somewhat numb... Again, I don't know... All I do know, is that on a day when I need to be able to be focussed and strong, I now have at least a chance of doing that...

I have a whole lifetime in which I can feel about Charlotte... And although I feel somewhat guilty about seemingly feeling predominantly peaceful when I think of her, particularly today (because it would have been her birthday)... I am grateful... For whatever reason, with the exception of whatever effects the Fentanyl I am on and this back pain (that, while slightly reduced by the Fentanyl is still quite severe) has on my concentration levels, I actually seem to be okay today... maybe even happy

There is so much more I want to write about... but right now is certainly not the time... Right now, I am just going to breathe... and to allow this internal peace to strengthen me for what is still to come today... I will deal with whatever else is left to be dealt with today, later... when I have both the time and the headspace

Not mine... at least, not yet

I wanted to write this post hours and hours ago...

But I have been so busy... and given that last post, I am really not in any mood to be able to do it justice... Only... if I don't write it now, it is highly likely that it simply won't ever get written... and it is so very important to me that it does...

So here goes...

Today, there was something said (to me) by someone I am close to, during a phone conversation...

The words were un-mistakable...

But the question is: Were the words themselves a mistake???

Did this person mis-hear what I had said and simply respond as part of an old habitual reflex?

Did this person mis-hear what I had said and respond (what they thought was) in-kind because they felt awkward?

Did this person mean what they said but forget to censor what they said?

Did this person simply mean what they said?

I strongly suspect that it was simply a case of mis-hearing what I had said, (although I have been quite clear about exactly how I do feel, without actually saying the words, as they have, at the very least, implied, and also actually sort of said it would make them feel uncomfortable if I just came out and said it) and then just out of some old habitual reflex, responding in-kind...

I know that this person is quite fond of me... but those words??? And that timing? It just seems too odd to have been anything but a mistake...

Nothing has been said since... and I am so not going to bring it up... It would only make an awkward issue out of something that doesn't need to be... You see, I am (for the most part), happy with where things are at... My feelings are about Me... They certainly do not depend on whether or not the person I feel them about reciprocates them... I don't need that... And I don't want something that doesn't truly belong to me, entirely freehold... That is to say that anything another person feels for me needs to be entirely independent of what I feel for them...

If those words were, by some miracle, meant for me... that's lovely...

... and somewhat disappointing :(

The importance placed upon those words (borne naturally, of the accompanying feelings, of course) by this person, would imply a far less subtle saying of them for the first time... I would have thought...

And given both the courage it took (or perhaps it was not courage, but a protective mechanism instead... who knows? it's possible), to refuse to use such words cheaply or at all at such an early stage in a relationship, and the security this person would have in the current state of my feelings (as I have been clear but discreet in my expression of such feelings, and have had definite confirmation of this person's understanding of them), I would be surprised by even the slightest fear at all in this person with regard to coming forward and making such a declaration (once they had decided they were ready to)...

No, the more I think about it... The more the first conclusion I jumped to, makes the most sense...

When I said 'I love your voice'... This person had to have mis-heard me and simply responded as part of an old habitual reflex...

Awkwardness makes no sense... This person has always been pretty direct with me... and has also seemed quite comfortable, not only to listen and allow things to simply be as they are in situations where my feelings are at a different level to theirs... but they also truly understand that I am expressing my feelings and that, reciprocated or not, my feelings simply are... and that I am truly okay with that...

Forgetting to censor, is a possibility... This person is under a lot of pressure in other areas of their life (and has been for a while now)... And I know what that is like, as I have almost slipped quite a few times lately myself, and nearly said those exact words... (I have also been concerned I might say them in my sleep)

This person having simply said those words deliberately for the first time that way makes no sense... simply because of what I know to be true of this person... No, if they had wanted to officially say something like that... 1. It would have been timed much more directly... and 2. The word 'too' would certainly not have been a part of the way they had said it...

The words are beautiful... And it is a precious gift indeed, to receive them... I just don't think today was the day... whether it be habitual reflex or a lack of censorship... those precious words are not mine from this person just yet...

It was lovely to hear what they might sound like one day (if ever... because in truth, there is a slight possibility that they may never be mine and I am okay with that)... and to even wonder how much truth was in them already...

But no... they are not mine...

... not yet

:'(

Tonight Claire stole custard from me...

:'(

Tonight... I told my children things I never wanted to tell them... ever
(There was more I could have told them and chose not to... but what I told them was more than enough)

Tonight... I broke my little girl's heart :'( :'( :'( :'( ... and it's tearing me apart... I feel like the pain of that is never going to stop...

I had no choice... :'(

She wouldn't listen... no matter how hard I have been trying... no matter how long I have been trying... no matter how many different methods I have been trying...

All I had left was the truth...

And now she is in tears... and probably blaming herself... and hating herself... and she won't stop crying, no matter how hard or how many different ways I try to soothe her (without negating the truth I have just told her)

And for that... I hate myself

But what choice did I have?

There is so much more to all of this than a stupid carton of custard... so much more :'(

It hurts sooooooooo badly :'(

It burns... And it hurts... And it hurts some more... And it burns... And the tears just don't stop... :'(

It hurts more than even the worst sexual assault I have ever been through... :'(

... Because I told my little girl the truth... and it broke her heart... :'(

... Because ultimately... I hurt her :'(

...

It has taken me over an hour...

But at last it's done...

I now have fresh sheets on my bed again...

No more shame... at least not about that :'(

I wish this pain would just stop... Haven't I paid ENOUGH yet? And what am I even paying for? Whose debt is this? And why, no matter how much I suffer, or how perfect I am, is it NEVER paid?

:'(

:(

I wish I was safe in a hospital somewhere right now...

... for so many reasons :'(

Over You...

And this is how I know that I am truly over You...

I have been going through photos and old movies on my computer today... I feel sad... for Me

You... feel like a stranger...

And most of what I do feel connected to in those movies, I am deeply relieved I no longer have to survive...

I miss being adored the way you sometimes genuinely adored Me...

I miss feeling so secure in My body and it's attractiveness in someone else's eyes... despite how I feel about it Myself

I miss being in control of how deeply another person 'loved' Me... and I don't too (because although I felt secure, I felt even more lonely because of it)

I miss those moments of connection and fulfillment on every level that we used to share when we Made Love... I miss being able to truly surrender in that way...

But I don't miss that with You...

I only miss that deep Love and connection... And although I do not believe you ever truly saw Me or were even capable of True Love, I think that there were times that you 'truly loved' Me as much as you possibly could in your own damaged version of your own damaged way...

I miss those precious moments of emotional honesty you shared with Me... When you opened up and trusted... just for a moment... They were the most beautiful gifts you ever gave Me... But even clients and strangers have given Me those same gifts... You never gave Me your Heart

I miss the fun we used to have... but that is just it... I miss the fun... not You

In a very disconnected way, I feel incredibly sad about all of this...

The man I shared most of the past three years of my life with... The man I created a child with... The man I gave so much of Myself to (despite knowing deep down that he was not worthy)... The man I sacrificed so much for... The man I did so much Love to...

He is still a stranger...

I know him... deeply... most likely even more deeply than He even knows Himself... but I never truly reached Him...

And although I gave everything I had... and did everything I could... I never truly wanted to

You see it wasn't just he that never truly loved Me...

I did Love to Him... but I never truly loved him either

My love for him was an illusion I created within Myself in order to protect Myself from the reality that I was living a nightmare...

He wanted Me... I saw it... I heard his screaming need... He took Me (against My will)... I could neither understand nor remember that that didn't mean I had to want and survive him too...

Even when the abuse and the sexual assaults became undeniable... I still could neither understand nor remember...

And now all that is left are echoes and screaming... and echoes of screaming

Yes... I am... over You

I think perhaps I always was :'(

My Own YouTube Channel... at last

So, I have finally done it...

I now have my own YouTube channel: AmethystBttrflyDream

It's a huge step...

On Blackouts

Oh my god!

I just realised that I blacked out in a high school maths exam!

I remember being severely berated for only having gotten 14%... I remember not understanding how on earth that could have happened... or even remembering how it actually happened... At one point, I even remember having this feeling of rising panic in the exam... almost like 'waking up' and panicking because I somehow 'knew' that I wasn't supposed to be 'out' right now as I wasn't old enough to understand maths... and also not really knowing where I was...

Just as I was about to get into trouble (I can't remember if the trouble was internal or external), everything went black and then the next thing I remember was 'waking up' with my mother 'losing it' at me about the 14% mark and demanding to know how that could possibly happen and what kind of game did I think I was playing???

This frightens me... not only because it gives me more undeniable proof of the D.I.D. (and the fact I have it) but also because of how insidious the blackouts can be... I am afraid of how powerless I am against them when they do break through and happen... I am afraid of catching one happening because of the extreme emotional and mental distress such a realisation brings with it... (and the 'rolling blackouts' that distress then triggers etc etc etc)... And I am afraid of not being able to catch them happening because of how helpless and powerless to keep myself safe I feel, being at their mercy like that...

I take such pride in how determinedly co-conscious I am... How I have worked so hard to control the truly uncontrollable... How I can hold back the whole ocean, with just my little finger (which is figuratively what I am doing here)...

What if I am wrong???

What if all of this fighting and struggling is not only not truly working... but it is also the wrong way to go? What if all I am doing (in being so 'strong' and stubborn) is really only making me sicker???

I remember a time that my (now) ex-husband (who was my boyfriend at the time), told me, out of nowhere, the most ludicrous story about how I had behaved when he came home to my house from work one night... I remember it sounding completely made up...

But why? Why would he make something so completely unbelievable up? Unbelievable? Yes... But ludicrously so? It just makes no sense...

1. He just doesn't have that great of an imagination

2. There was no point (and if there had been, he sooooooooo would have used it against my by now)... No clear (or unclear) agenda presented itself at the time and none has presented itself since, either... ever

3. There was a tiny part of me, inside, that it sounded familiar to :(

And it's number 3 that I just can't get past...

I think that blackout was very likely real too...

I am surprised, that with how high my stress and trauma levels have been and for how long, lately, that the worst I seem to have been experiencing is retrospective amnesia - where things fade out fast just after they have happened, as opposed to there simply being blackouts and complete blanks...

I am proud of this... but I am also not stupid... I know that at any given point in time, I could end up having blackouts again... I know that this is a very real and present danger... But I also know that so far I have managed to stand strong against any of them happening... It is true... at times, I am switching like mad... but so far (as well as I can tell, which is pretty darned well), I am not blacking out... again

There is so much more I want to write about this... but right now, I am suddenly incredibly tired again (I am actually physically sick and in real pain too)... so for the time being, I am going to leave this entry here...

And I am going to hope and pray that I get a break from major trauma and stress, long enough to start to recover enough to continue to stave off the blackouts... still

Indirect HOPE...

On Tuesday night (or potentially in the very early hours of Wednesday morning) this week, he said words that I am still revelling in repeating over and over again inside of my head...

Those precious words took my breath away, as the weight of their potential meaning reverberated right down to the very deepest and most secret parts of Me... with joy... and with Love... and with... Hope

And in order to feel any of this... It means I am truly learning to Trust...

It is fragile... but it is there... and it is growing...

Slowly but surely... I am beginning to... heal

For his part, he seems to have always chosen his words (with Me and whenever I have observed him with others) very carefully... and there were so many other ways to have been able to word what he said to me; what he informed me he was about to do... or more to the point, the way he chose to describe what he was about to do and how...

It was certainly not a direct declaration... but then I do not think he is quite at that point yet... and I am truly okay with that... I drift in and out of being at a point where I could make a direct declaration myself... Quite simply, there are ways in which we know one another so very well... and other ways, in which we hardly know one another at all...

So although there is always room for misinterpretation, I really don't think I have misinterpreted this...

Just as I was informed (by him) that it was not a misinterpretation (believing him), the first time he referred to Me as his 'geeky girlfriend'... He meant it when he said girlfriend... and although there was no big fanfare or official announcement, he was serious about it... He was already serious about Me

He is so deliberate when he speaks... and he is certainly not one to fill his sentences with pretty but empty, meaningless words... especially not with Me...

He knows I listen to him... very carefully

I have aired on the side of caution with him many, many times before, only to be informed (by him) that before I had questioned myself, I had had the correct interpretation...

That leaves (most likely) only one beautiful truth...

And about that... I am very happy...

Removing Sex; My Superpower...

Who am I without sex?

I hate that I am always seen as such a powerful sexual being... I hate that I ooze it wherever I go, even when I don't want to... I hate that sex is the centre of the universe for almost everyone in the universe...

I want to be truly seen...

I am an artist... A musician... A poet... A writer...

I am an impossibly strong and beautiful person... inside...

I am a mother...

I am a true survivor... I am beautifully complicated... I am interesting... I am wonderful...

None of these things have ever been enough to be seen and valued over the overwhelming sexual power I have over people... Even people who are not interested in Me as a potential partner are effected by it and want 'It'... They don't want Me... They just crave 'It'...

I don't know how to turn it off...

I feel so deeply ashamed of involuntarily being this way...

So ashamed that I honed this skill, until I was near perfect at it... And in doing so, I protected myself from ever being called on it, because I kept anyone in my presence so dazzled and blinded by its brightness, that they couldn't see past it...

It has left me incurably lonely... but safe

The bottom line is that, once again, I have no idea of what 'normal' is supposed to be in this area...

I don't know how to belong to myself... I don't know who I even really Am...

With regard to sex, it has only been my noble choices that have kept Me more Super-heroine, than Super-villainess...

And so as a Super-heroine, stripped of her super-power... what makes Me special... What do I have left that will be the one way in which I can rise above the rest of the world, and even more importantly, above Myself... and fly?

What is there left for a flightless, powerless super-hero?

The power of sex wasn't just something that masked My pain from others... it masked it from Me too... Without it... and without something with which to replace it... I am drowning... I am Nothing

I am in incredible pain :'(

I don't know who I am... I don't know what to do... I feel so lost...

And so completely... desperately...

Alone