Over You...

And this is how I know that I am truly over You...

I have been going through photos and old movies on my computer today... I feel sad... for Me

You... feel like a stranger...

And most of what I do feel connected to in those movies, I am deeply relieved I no longer have to survive...

I miss being adored the way you sometimes genuinely adored Me...

I miss feeling so secure in My body and it's attractiveness in someone else's eyes... despite how I feel about it Myself

I miss being in control of how deeply another person 'loved' Me... and I don't too (because although I felt secure, I felt even more lonely because of it)

I miss those moments of connection and fulfillment on every level that we used to share when we Made Love... I miss being able to truly surrender in that way...

But I don't miss that with You...

I only miss that deep Love and connection... And although I do not believe you ever truly saw Me or were even capable of True Love, I think that there were times that you 'truly loved' Me as much as you possibly could in your own damaged version of your own damaged way...

I miss those precious moments of emotional honesty you shared with Me... When you opened up and trusted... just for a moment... They were the most beautiful gifts you ever gave Me... But even clients and strangers have given Me those same gifts... You never gave Me your Heart

I miss the fun we used to have... but that is just it... I miss the fun... not You

In a very disconnected way, I feel incredibly sad about all of this...

The man I shared most of the past three years of my life with... The man I created a child with... The man I gave so much of Myself to (despite knowing deep down that he was not worthy)... The man I sacrificed so much for... The man I did so much Love to...

He is still a stranger...

I know him... deeply... most likely even more deeply than He even knows Himself... but I never truly reached Him...

And although I gave everything I had... and did everything I could... I never truly wanted to

You see it wasn't just he that never truly loved Me...

I did Love to Him... but I never truly loved him either

My love for him was an illusion I created within Myself in order to protect Myself from the reality that I was living a nightmare...

He wanted Me... I saw it... I heard his screaming need... He took Me (against My will)... I could neither understand nor remember that that didn't mean I had to want and survive him too...

Even when the abuse and the sexual assaults became undeniable... I still could neither understand nor remember...

And now all that is left are echoes and screaming... and echoes of screaming

Yes... I am... over You

I think perhaps I always was :'(