So Lost...

I feel incredibly lost right now...

I don't know where I belong... or who with... or to whom I owe my allegiance...

I don't know how to live either a singular or a multiple life...

I feel caught in between two worlds... and cultures... Like a child of mixed race, my co-consciousness results in Me belonging in part to both the singular and multiple worlds... and yet, purely, to neither, at the same time...

Every time I think I have a handle on something, 'the rug gets whipped out from underneath my feet' and I am Lost again...

I belong nowhere...

I exist everywhere...

I am so very deeply... Lost

His Ribbon...

And so it would seem...

That I am His 'Ribbon'... and He is my Sir

I don't know where this is going... or if I am going to be okay...

I only know what currently is...

I really don't know how I feel about all of this :(

And yet, I feel peaceful and happy about it too...

All of this switching is just too complicated... I think it is time to stop fighting and to just freefall for a while... Alters and all

And then the stars all fell out of the sky...

I am really not okay right now...

I feel like all of the stars just fell out of the sky and that I was the one who made that happen...

I am doing everything I can to hold back from screaming the Scream that ends the whole damned world... (a reference only I am likely to understand)

I hate who and what I am right now even though I know I did the only right thing I could do...

I'm terrified I'm going to switch out and not understand this decision and suffer incredibly at the same time as I would have suffered incredibly, not having been honest as soon as I understood Myself in this way...

I'm SERIOUSLY not okay... and I am not feeling relieved or good about myself...

I feel so fucked up right now... It's like I can neither feel happy nor sad without there being incredible guilt and a million reasons as to why it is wrong and unacceptable and unfair to feel the way I do...

I HATE MYSELF... and I don't too...

I don't even know how to properly explain any of this...

I never ever thought I'd find Myself in this position; having believed in Myself more than I should have... having momentarily thrown caution to the wind, believing I could honestly do it... and that no-one would end up paying because I could really, truly... DO THIS

I can't believe that this is happening... I would do anything honest I could do to change this... to make this not the deepest of truths within Me...

I'm just so sorry :'(

N.B.

There is no-one in this world, more aware than I am, that not everything is ALL about Me...

However, here in this place, my side of My story and my feelings are ALL I have the right to speak about in order to protect the right to privacy of those I love (and even those I don't love) on what is both such an intensely private, anonymous, and public, (at the same time), forum...

So... no. This is not a self-indulgent whinge... It is simply a tiny fragment of a very one sided story and experience...

Thank you for understanding and remembering that.

Screaming into the Abyss...

More and more lately I know that all I am doing is screaming into the Abyss...

I speak... I reason... I bargain... I scream... I cry... I beg... I carve into my own flesh...

No-one hears Me...

But I hear...

I hear the internal frantic screaming that never stops anymore... I hear the hourly increase in volume and franticness... I hear the most fragile and brittle parts of Myself cracking... getting ready to explode into a million razor sharp broken shards... scattered... and Alone; unprotected by the other shards...

I just can't do this! :'(