And then the stars all fell out of the sky...

I am really not okay right now...

I feel like all of the stars just fell out of the sky and that I was the one who made that happen...

I am doing everything I can to hold back from screaming the Scream that ends the whole damned world... (a reference only I am likely to understand)

I hate who and what I am right now even though I know I did the only right thing I could do...

I'm terrified I'm going to switch out and not understand this decision and suffer incredibly at the same time as I would have suffered incredibly, not having been honest as soon as I understood Myself in this way...

I'm SERIOUSLY not okay... and I am not feeling relieved or good about myself...

I feel so fucked up right now... It's like I can neither feel happy nor sad without there being incredible guilt and a million reasons as to why it is wrong and unacceptable and unfair to feel the way I do...

I HATE MYSELF... and I don't too...

I don't even know how to properly explain any of this...

I never ever thought I'd find Myself in this position; having believed in Myself more than I should have... having momentarily thrown caution to the wind, believing I could honestly do it... and that no-one would end up paying because I could really, truly... DO THIS

I can't believe that this is happening... I would do anything honest I could do to change this... to make this not the deepest of truths within Me...

I'm just so sorry :'(

N.B.

There is no-one in this world, more aware than I am, that not everything is ALL about Me...

However, here in this place, my side of My story and my feelings are ALL I have the right to speak about in order to protect the right to privacy of those I love (and even those I don't love) on what is both such an intensely private, anonymous, and public, (at the same time), forum...

So... no. This is not a self-indulgent whinge... It is simply a tiny fragment of a very one sided story and experience...

Thank you for understanding and remembering that.