How do I find My way back? :(

When, logically, I can't see what the big deal is... but emotionally, I am falling apart and just can't seem to get it together... The issue is not my belief system, how I see the world, or my attitude, it's a mental health issue...

The question is: How do I find my way out of this mental health fog and get back to who I really am?

Losing Me...

I often wonder if he is aware of how close he comes to losing Me, how often, when...

And why...

I wonder if he loves Me enough... I wonder if he even knows how...

I am so confused...

Being with him triggers certain alters who truly are with him... Being away from him allows alters who are not with him their space too... Everybody used to work as a team... Now, the alters who are not with him are fighting hard to stay... and to break us up...

It is so hard to sustain a relationship you can only remember but not currently emotionally feel or see any logical reasons for staying in... Its so hard to trust him with the truth of how I feel at the times when I am truly not any of the alters he is in a relationship with... And near impossible to expect him to truly understand or be okay with it...

Just the fact that he spends all of his time trying to meet every single alter I have and to get to know them so that he can make them fall in love with him, tells me this... :'(

Ive tried to explain how things are... And that it is really okay and safe for him (his place in my heart and life) that not all of us are in love with him or even capable of love... But he just doesnt get it... Or perhaps he gets it but doesnt accept it... Perhaps he sees it as a necessary part of my 'healing' process or something... It feels threatening and partonising... and very unsafe...

I feel invaded and afraid...

Amethyst is my protector... She isnt meant to be all soft and mushy... She needs to be able to be emotionally cold and shut down... And I have expained this to him... so many times... I have even begged him to just let it go... To let Amethyst just be who she is... to leave her alone... for both of our sakes... But he wont... :(

His desire for (his perceived) self-preservation comes first... His insecurity comes first...

He seems to think that if he can make her fall in love with him, that his place in My life will be safe... It isnt...

To think that is such a huge mistake...

None of us trust in 'Love'... We want to... but we cant... and we dont...

When Amethyst is in a good mood, she plays with him... And she allows him to believe she is in love with him... She doesnt see the need to hurt him unnecessarily... To be honest, I dont even know the whole truth myself... I think that there are moments in which she possibly is in love with him... Unless perhaps she has developed another alter of her own to cope with these demands... I really dont know :(

When she is in a bad mood... I pay the price... I am stuck trying to cover her contempt and her disgust (because it is not what all of us feel... and none of us... not even Amethyst wants to hurt him)... And I am stuck trying to be 'in love' with him and kissing him and handling him touching me and making love to me, with her tearing me apart inside and making me want to vomit and scream and cry and tear my skin off, making me want to wash him off of us, and making me want to smash everything in sight and run...

In reality she isnt meant to be in love... She exists to protect Me... To be heartless and cold, where and when I so desperately need to be but cant be... I allow people far too much leeway... And I cant and dont protect myself when I very much need to... Quite simply: I have too much heart

I hate him for trying so desperately to soften her just so that he can feel secure... No, actually, I dont... She hates him for that...

If he wanted her to fall in love with him because she was amazing in her own right and he had fallen in love with her himself, that would be an entirely different story... But when it is primarily because he is feeling insecure and trying to shore up his position in My life? Pathetic! And weak! And disgusting! Completely intolerable! (Well that's how she feels anyway)...

She is simply unable to stomach any kind of weakness which results in manipulation... And thats exactly what him trying to make her fall in love with him to allay his insecurity feels like to her... Manipulation because of a weakness of character on his part...

She sees this as the core defect in those who have committed all of the sexual assaults and other unspeakable crimes against 'Us'...

She hates those who would seek to manipulate others, either by deception or force, into parting with something that does not belong to them... all the while appeasing their consciences with the excuse: 'oh, but I need it/you'...

We have had that excuse thrown at us from every direction and in every possible situation, no matter how ludicrous... ALL OF OUR LIVES! :'(

You can never truly own something that does not belong to you... Even if you physically possess it... It will never be yours... And why would anyone want something that didnt belong to them anyway? It makes no sense whatsoever to her...

And although she sees this character flaw on a sliding scale (from human to monstrous), she has no stomach for it; no healthy tolerance levels... And she begins to disappear when I (or anyone else) try to force her to feel reasonably or to be reasonable about it...

How am I supposed to argue with that? Or fight that?... when she is right (even if her reaction is somewhat out of proportion and unbalanced by those of us who possess the softer, more loving and compassionate feelings)... And how do I force my way past feelings so strong and sickening, in order to save a relationship that some of us want so desperately that they almost sent me insane the last time it was over between us???

You know, I really dont think he understands how painful and damaging it is when he tries to force her to stay and to participate in all of the mushy 'in love' stuff...

It feels like being raped... Oh my god! Thats it! It feels exactly like being raped (to her)...

The nausea... The screaming... The crying... The terror... Being trapped and unable to breathe... All of it!

I have never had the words for it before... just the feelings :'(

She hates him when she feels like he is forcing her! :'(

It has got to stop...

I finally understand exactly why I am so hypersensitive to people not listening when I say 'No'... It feels like being raped! And even on a good day, it still feels as though Im in danger of being about to be raped again...

In reality, 'No' should always result in 'No' immediately... But in a world where barely anyone listens or hears when they receive an answer that isnt what they want... Perhaps I have no other choice but to begin enforcing 'No' when I say it... :'(

It is heartbreaking... But the world is what it is... And I am no longer willing to go through this kind of pain each and every day when it is within my power to make it stop... I am also not willing to lose my relationship over such a simple misunderstanding... I truly believe that he is a good man... And I know that if he knew this is how I felt or even realised that he wasnt listening to 'No' when I said it, he would be devastated...

I can do this... I can fix this...

Im still exhausted and incredibly fragile... But it is time

i HATE you!

I HATE YOU! AND you... and YOU!

I hate all three of you for taking advantage of Me... And for using Me... AND for making it worse by expecting Me to make YOU feel better about it!

I REALLY FUCKING HATE ALL THREE OF YOU RIGHT NOW!

And newsflash: Doing it subtly... DOESN'T make it okay! It makes it WORSE!

I FUCKING HATE YOU!