I left Goolwa, understanding on some level that I am in love with him and that I want to be with him...
I miss him...
Walking into my new house and collapsing on my bed in my sanctuary; a sanctuary I created all on my own... was bliss
I finally feel peace for the first time in a very long time...
Watching 'Black Swan' last night, was both the best and the worst thing I could possibly have done... It triggered an almost complete break with reality... but that, in turn, resulted in certain alters coming screaming forth and actually speaking, which has revealed what the real issues behind the current waves of insanity, are...
I am absolutely exhausted...
I actually miss him terribly right now :'(
... but I am finally where, in such a fragile state, I can be emotionally safe... I am in my bedroom... where there is beauty and light and an easy perfection... I am in a place where I can just be whatever Me I am right now without good or bad consequences; an emotional 'Switzerland' of sorts...
I am home...
Monday, 28 January 2013
Sometimes you have to lose something before you can find it... (part 1)
I have so little time left to sleep before I have to drive back to Adelaide, so this is going to be a short entry, which I am hoping to be able to come to back and expand on later...
Tonight, I truly almost lost my mind...
And in almost losing my mind, I was finally able to begin to find it...
I found out that inside, I have never truly escaped my mother (who is a completely different person now, and was mentally ill and an abuse victim herself, at the time... and not someone who was deliberately abusing me)...
I found out that sex scares the living hell out of me because although I more than know how to do it, I have absolutely no idea of how to process it...
Darren won more than one impossible, un-winable situation (and/or possibly fights - as at times it felt completely like a fight for my soul)... and so even though I still (sort of?) have no idea of what is going on with my relationship... between the sex revelations and some other things I am beginning to be able to see in myself, I am beginning to wonder, if perhaps I am in this relationship because I actually want to be afterall... Perhaps my misgivings are more about being unable to process sex and adult feelings and adult concepts and relationships, more than they are about the actual person I am in the relationship with...
I think this really is the key I have been looking for all of this time... Now I just have to work out how to learn the "how to's" I am missing, so that I can use it... And once I have achieved that, I will finally... for the first time in my whole life... be either in or out of a relationship... because I know I want to be... I will finally have... a choice...
Tomorrow, I am going to continue putting an end to every single stressor I can possibly finish off... This painting commission is going to be finished... This court case is going to be settled... The domestic violence counselling appointments are going to be made... And this inability to sleep is going to be ended (if I havent achieved that already tonight - here's hoping, as Ive definitely felt something huge shift in that area)...
I cant say that I have hit the rock bottom that has been coming as the result of so many outside stressors over this past year or so... But I can say... that something had to give, in a huge way... and although I have a feeling the 'huge' is still to come... tonight was big... and tonight, I learned the how
Tonight, I truly almost lost my mind...
And in almost losing my mind, I was finally able to begin to find it...
I found out that inside, I have never truly escaped my mother (who is a completely different person now, and was mentally ill and an abuse victim herself, at the time... and not someone who was deliberately abusing me)...
I found out that sex scares the living hell out of me because although I more than know how to do it, I have absolutely no idea of how to process it...
Darren won more than one impossible, un-winable situation (and/or possibly fights - as at times it felt completely like a fight for my soul)... and so even though I still (sort of?) have no idea of what is going on with my relationship... between the sex revelations and some other things I am beginning to be able to see in myself, I am beginning to wonder, if perhaps I am in this relationship because I actually want to be afterall... Perhaps my misgivings are more about being unable to process sex and adult feelings and adult concepts and relationships, more than they are about the actual person I am in the relationship with...
I think this really is the key I have been looking for all of this time... Now I just have to work out how to learn the "how to's" I am missing, so that I can use it... And once I have achieved that, I will finally... for the first time in my whole life... be either in or out of a relationship... because I know I want to be... I will finally have... a choice...
Tomorrow, I am going to continue putting an end to every single stressor I can possibly finish off... This painting commission is going to be finished... This court case is going to be settled... The domestic violence counselling appointments are going to be made... And this inability to sleep is going to be ended (if I havent achieved that already tonight - here's hoping, as Ive definitely felt something huge shift in that area)...
I cant say that I have hit the rock bottom that has been coming as the result of so many outside stressors over this past year or so... But I can say... that something had to give, in a huge way... and although I have a feeling the 'huge' is still to come... tonight was big... and tonight, I learned the how
Thursday, 24 January 2013
So alone because...
The words just came to Me...
A part of why I feel so desperately unsafe and so painfully alone of late is that, regardless of assurances to the contrary, I am not accepted...
Almost everyone in my life knows I am DID... Almost everyone in my life also keeps telling me that it is safe to be Me, whomever that is at any given moment... I am, at times, even gently and lovingly berated when I forget or completely fail to understand this concept at all...
Yet here I am... right now... alienating and losing people (even some of the people who are JUST LIKE ME who profess to accept and understand Me, but clearly DONT) all over the place, as I lose my grip on what is considered, the acceptable version of myself...
THIS IS ME TOO!
I AM NOT OKAY!
I am looking for every possible way out of this hell... And as much as YOU dont want to know about it... I am only barely surviving, living it! I am NOT in love with my pain! I am NOT happy feeling this way! I am NOT a perpetual victim wannabe! I do NOT want to shoot down any possible solutions you come up with to help me! I WANT YOU TO WIN! I want your solutions to work!
I am simply so NOT OKAY that I need to first test your solution before I invest what tiny scraps of hope and energy I have left, into it... I have no room and no reserves left for putting hope and effort into a solution that will likely fail right now... I am that NOT OKAY! If I fail... I just might actually DIE this time!
And if your solution isnt the magical one, ITS NOT ABOUT YOU! You havent failed... The solution just didnt/doesnt work for me... I have been doing this ALONE my whole life... Thats around 36 years! (It's only been very recently that I have even had anywhere to go for any kind of real help, that isnt inside of myself)... I have kept me alive all of these years... Not anybody else! JUST ME! Chances are Ive already tried everything you come up with and a million variations of it... but that doesnt stop me hoping and praying you might have thought of something I havent or seen something I have missed...
I cant protect you as well as me right now :'(
And being that you cant love Me as I am right now, without it being a huge sacrifice or concession you are making... I now know that I am not safe...
I wish that you would have just been honest with me... I wish I had trusted my gut before now... I could have saved my safe place and us...
At some point, when I am stronger again and this crisis has passed, I am sure I will be able to find that acceptable version of me, once more... And I will find a way to stomach you absolving me, again, of the sin of being this unacceptable version of me that I am right now... You will have your precious Charli back... (God! I hate that name right now! It makes me sick!) I may even temporarily forget this truth that I know right now... be able to bask in what feels like real unconditional love, for a while... I can only hope...
But in the end, deep down I will always know...
I am truly alone...
A part of why I feel so desperately unsafe and so painfully alone of late is that, regardless of assurances to the contrary, I am not accepted...
Almost everyone in my life knows I am DID... Almost everyone in my life also keeps telling me that it is safe to be Me, whomever that is at any given moment... I am, at times, even gently and lovingly berated when I forget or completely fail to understand this concept at all...
Yet here I am... right now... alienating and losing people (even some of the people who are JUST LIKE ME who profess to accept and understand Me, but clearly DONT) all over the place, as I lose my grip on what is considered, the acceptable version of myself...
THIS IS ME TOO!
I AM NOT OKAY!
I am looking for every possible way out of this hell... And as much as YOU dont want to know about it... I am only barely surviving, living it! I am NOT in love with my pain! I am NOT happy feeling this way! I am NOT a perpetual victim wannabe! I do NOT want to shoot down any possible solutions you come up with to help me! I WANT YOU TO WIN! I want your solutions to work!
I am simply so NOT OKAY that I need to first test your solution before I invest what tiny scraps of hope and energy I have left, into it... I have no room and no reserves left for putting hope and effort into a solution that will likely fail right now... I am that NOT OKAY! If I fail... I just might actually DIE this time!
And if your solution isnt the magical one, ITS NOT ABOUT YOU! You havent failed... The solution just didnt/doesnt work for me... I have been doing this ALONE my whole life... Thats around 36 years! (It's only been very recently that I have even had anywhere to go for any kind of real help, that isnt inside of myself)... I have kept me alive all of these years... Not anybody else! JUST ME! Chances are Ive already tried everything you come up with and a million variations of it... but that doesnt stop me hoping and praying you might have thought of something I havent or seen something I have missed...
I cant protect you as well as me right now :'(
And being that you cant love Me as I am right now, without it being a huge sacrifice or concession you are making... I now know that I am not safe...
I wish that you would have just been honest with me... I wish I had trusted my gut before now... I could have saved my safe place and us...
At some point, when I am stronger again and this crisis has passed, I am sure I will be able to find that acceptable version of me, once more... And I will find a way to stomach you absolving me, again, of the sin of being this unacceptable version of me that I am right now... You will have your precious Charli back... (God! I hate that name right now! It makes me sick!) I may even temporarily forget this truth that I know right now... be able to bask in what feels like real unconditional love, for a while... I can only hope...
But in the end, deep down I will always know...
I am truly alone...
Even I am sick of Me...
It has been one hell of a day with temperatures to match...
Being out in it was no fun at all...
And I am so flustered, overheated and stressed that I no longer know whether or not I want to do any of the things left on my list today :( I dont know how I feel about anything...
I have texts and facebook messages that are important to catch up on so that there isnt unnecessary hurt over the potential misinterpretation that I am angry at these people or am cutting them off... but I honestly just cant face it right now... My words (believe it or not) just keep disappearing every time I try and I just feel so overwhelmed and deeply sad...
There certainly are people that I am angry at... But they have no clue whatsoever because I havent said or done anything that even remotely hints at how I am feeling or why right now... I want to dump them all off of my facebook (not that they would probably notice), but on the off chance that they did notice, it would burn bridges that I am as yet unsure I want to burn... I dont know how much of what I am feeling is unbalanced-alter-related and what is simply Me having had enough... And I am so sick and tired of apologising and making things right again in relationships and in situations I wasnt in the wrong in the first place... I am certainly no perfect angel... There are times I have been wrong and I have done all I possibly can to right those wrongs... But in these particular cases, I am not in the wrong :(
I am tired... and I am drained... and I am under enormous amounts of pressure that just dont seem to let up... And I am so f**king sick of all of it!
I am sick, even, of hearing my own thoughts in my head... Its like a f**king broken record that no-one has turned off! :'( And how the hell am I supposed to be able to believe in or feel secure in friendships and relationships when even I dont want to be around Me?! :'(
I keep working SO HARD for this illusive wonderful life that apparently I am supposed to deserve... but time and time again, yet another thing I couldnt have possibly predicted or had any part in even creating subconsciously, comes screaming at Me! IM SO FUCKING TIRED! :'(
Im tired of being judged
Im tired of being abused
Im tired of being bullied
Im tired of being used
Im tired of always falling so far short of what everyone else expects and demands of Me, AND being punished for it... even when they dont try at all (where it comes to Me) themselves!
Im tired of fighting
Im tired of being in so much physical pain all of the time
Im tired of my body never truly being my own
Im tired of being there for others, yet feeling so desperately alone Myself
Im tired of crying
Im tired of anything good offered from the one or two people in my life who do care, feeling so hollow and empty, that it just bounces off of Me... I know I would be in a much worse way without it... and I am so desperate to be able to feel it... I need it... No matter how hard I try though, I just cant touch it :'(
Im tired of BEING TIRED!
And Im so tired of seeing my pain etched into these pages...
I used to be able to write about more than just this... :'( I used to be able to present to the world in a way that so much more accurately represented who I truly am and how I truly feel... But lately, whenever I get close to any form of potential help or relief, all of this unrelenting sadness and pain comes spewing out faster than I am able to stop it... It feels like a neverending flow of vomit just coming out, gallon after gallon, after gallon... I cant even breathe anymore! I feel like Im suffocating! :'(
I do have times of joy and hope and happiness in my life... but they only seem to happen now when I am completely alone... and that is such a lonely thing in and of itself... :'(
It is not just my safe place that I have lost right now... It's everything :'(
I dont know how to be around people anymore... I dont feel safe... and I am very much not okay... But there is no cure or anything that I know of that will help... I just have to try to breathe my way through this... again... and hope that, once again, by some random, completely unrelated chance, I come out the other end alive and the best version of okay that I can be...
If only there was a formula that worked every time :'(
Being out in it was no fun at all...
And I am so flustered, overheated and stressed that I no longer know whether or not I want to do any of the things left on my list today :( I dont know how I feel about anything...
I have texts and facebook messages that are important to catch up on so that there isnt unnecessary hurt over the potential misinterpretation that I am angry at these people or am cutting them off... but I honestly just cant face it right now... My words (believe it or not) just keep disappearing every time I try and I just feel so overwhelmed and deeply sad...
There certainly are people that I am angry at... But they have no clue whatsoever because I havent said or done anything that even remotely hints at how I am feeling or why right now... I want to dump them all off of my facebook (not that they would probably notice), but on the off chance that they did notice, it would burn bridges that I am as yet unsure I want to burn... I dont know how much of what I am feeling is unbalanced-alter-related and what is simply Me having had enough... And I am so sick and tired of apologising and making things right again in relationships and in situations I wasnt in the wrong in the first place... I am certainly no perfect angel... There are times I have been wrong and I have done all I possibly can to right those wrongs... But in these particular cases, I am not in the wrong :(
I am tired... and I am drained... and I am under enormous amounts of pressure that just dont seem to let up... And I am so f**king sick of all of it!
I am sick, even, of hearing my own thoughts in my head... Its like a f**king broken record that no-one has turned off! :'( And how the hell am I supposed to be able to believe in or feel secure in friendships and relationships when even I dont want to be around Me?! :'(
I keep working SO HARD for this illusive wonderful life that apparently I am supposed to deserve... but time and time again, yet another thing I couldnt have possibly predicted or had any part in even creating subconsciously, comes screaming at Me! IM SO FUCKING TIRED! :'(
Im tired of being judged
Im tired of being abused
Im tired of being bullied
Im tired of being used
Im tired of always falling so far short of what everyone else expects and demands of Me, AND being punished for it... even when they dont try at all (where it comes to Me) themselves!
Im tired of fighting
Im tired of being in so much physical pain all of the time
Im tired of my body never truly being my own
Im tired of being there for others, yet feeling so desperately alone Myself
Im tired of crying
Im tired of anything good offered from the one or two people in my life who do care, feeling so hollow and empty, that it just bounces off of Me... I know I would be in a much worse way without it... and I am so desperate to be able to feel it... I need it... No matter how hard I try though, I just cant touch it :'(
Im tired of BEING TIRED!
And Im so tired of seeing my pain etched into these pages...
I used to be able to write about more than just this... :'( I used to be able to present to the world in a way that so much more accurately represented who I truly am and how I truly feel... But lately, whenever I get close to any form of potential help or relief, all of this unrelenting sadness and pain comes spewing out faster than I am able to stop it... It feels like a neverending flow of vomit just coming out, gallon after gallon, after gallon... I cant even breathe anymore! I feel like Im suffocating! :'(
I do have times of joy and hope and happiness in my life... but they only seem to happen now when I am completely alone... and that is such a lonely thing in and of itself... :'(
It is not just my safe place that I have lost right now... It's everything :'(
I dont know how to be around people anymore... I dont feel safe... and I am very much not okay... But there is no cure or anything that I know of that will help... I just have to try to breathe my way through this... again... and hope that, once again, by some random, completely unrelated chance, I come out the other end alive and the best version of okay that I can be...
If only there was a formula that worked every time :'(
Wednesday, 23 January 2013
Changes...
I have so much to think about and so many decisions to make...
My head is spinning!
I feel an underlying hope and happiness that is unconnected to anything I can logically define...
Added to this, I am also desperately wanting to clear out my life...
I want to get rid of the things and people who either don't belong, or never did, for whatever reason; be that toxicity or simply that the time for, and/or the purpose of, those people and things has now passed...
Right now there is so much death happening around Me... I am forced to ask myself exactly what I am doing with my life... The answer is nothing... I am doing not a single thing with my life that is Me...
Its more than high time that changed...
I am walking away
My head is spinning!
I feel an underlying hope and happiness that is unconnected to anything I can logically define...
Added to this, I am also desperately wanting to clear out my life...
I want to get rid of the things and people who either don't belong, or never did, for whatever reason; be that toxicity or simply that the time for, and/or the purpose of, those people and things has now passed...
Right now there is so much death happening around Me... I am forced to ask myself exactly what I am doing with my life... The answer is nothing... I am doing not a single thing with my life that is Me...
Its more than high time that changed...
I am walking away
Tuesday, 22 January 2013
Still Lonely...
After years and years of attempts to create the perfect bedroom for Myself, I have finally succeeded...
What I wasnt prepared for was that I would still be so incredibly, painfully lonely...
All these years I had told myself that if I could just create a perfect place where I truly belonged, I would be home and I wouldnt be lonely anymore...
But just like in the rest of the world, I do not feel I truly belong here either :'(
I have so many beautiful things...
But I am afraid to touch any of them...
And I am too ashamed to touch them...
And somehow they seem staged... and hollow... and empty... without someone else to enjoy them with...
Yet if I, (or anyone else), touch them, they wont be perfect and clean anymore... The oil in our skin will be on my things then, and they will begin to rot and to decay...
Or if only I touch My things, my things will become infected by the unspeakably ugly, filthy, toxic, contagious, pieces and touch of my father, and the screaming excruciatingly painful insanity that all exist inside of Me...
My fathers touch is always there... He is always touching Me... I can never escape... It destroys everything clean that I touch, because HE is still touching me... So there is no starting fresh again... To start fresh, his touching Me would have to STOP... And as it never does, I can never have anything clean and safe and just mine... :'(
I know that I am very unwell right now... :'(
But this is still My Truth...
When I am well, I am just able to shove it further down into the bottomless pit inside of Me, along with the rest of My thoughts and My pain and the things that never should have happened to Me, that nobody wants to know about or see... I am able to hide it better... And I am able to pretend and to imitate the world better...
But right now I have lost my place... I am incredibly disoriented... I dont know Who to Be... Or what I am supposed to be Thinking... Or how to Appear to the World around Me and the People in It... I cannot go back and find my Place by re-reading all that I have already read that has gotten Me to where I was when I lost my place... And I cannot look forward because I no longer understand the language and although I remember being able to read at some not so distant point in the past, I cannot do it right now... And so everything just looks like foreign markings on the page of this book that is the World and My Place in It...
I am profoundly Lost...
It is very, very not okay in this world for me to be Me spontaneously, without following the rules and guidelines and the maps and courses... For without all of those things I am nothing but a formless, translucent energy which will soon evaporate and disperse into the atmosphere; a million tiny screaming parts that will only feel pain, without the ability to ever find help or peace as I would no longer possess the mass required to alert the attention of anyone who can help Me... I would no longer Be any kind of Me... I would simply be pain... and in pain...
I am so afraid...
And I am so terribly lonely :'(
What I wasnt prepared for was that I would still be so incredibly, painfully lonely...
All these years I had told myself that if I could just create a perfect place where I truly belonged, I would be home and I wouldnt be lonely anymore...
But just like in the rest of the world, I do not feel I truly belong here either :'(
I have so many beautiful things...
But I am afraid to touch any of them...
And I am too ashamed to touch them...
And somehow they seem staged... and hollow... and empty... without someone else to enjoy them with...
Yet if I, (or anyone else), touch them, they wont be perfect and clean anymore... The oil in our skin will be on my things then, and they will begin to rot and to decay...
Or if only I touch My things, my things will become infected by the unspeakably ugly, filthy, toxic, contagious, pieces and touch of my father, and the screaming excruciatingly painful insanity that all exist inside of Me...
My fathers touch is always there... He is always touching Me... I can never escape... It destroys everything clean that I touch, because HE is still touching me... So there is no starting fresh again... To start fresh, his touching Me would have to STOP... And as it never does, I can never have anything clean and safe and just mine... :'(
I know that I am very unwell right now... :'(
But this is still My Truth...
When I am well, I am just able to shove it further down into the bottomless pit inside of Me, along with the rest of My thoughts and My pain and the things that never should have happened to Me, that nobody wants to know about or see... I am able to hide it better... And I am able to pretend and to imitate the world better...
But right now I have lost my place... I am incredibly disoriented... I dont know Who to Be... Or what I am supposed to be Thinking... Or how to Appear to the World around Me and the People in It... I cannot go back and find my Place by re-reading all that I have already read that has gotten Me to where I was when I lost my place... And I cannot look forward because I no longer understand the language and although I remember being able to read at some not so distant point in the past, I cannot do it right now... And so everything just looks like foreign markings on the page of this book that is the World and My Place in It...
I am profoundly Lost...
It is very, very not okay in this world for me to be Me spontaneously, without following the rules and guidelines and the maps and courses... For without all of those things I am nothing but a formless, translucent energy which will soon evaporate and disperse into the atmosphere; a million tiny screaming parts that will only feel pain, without the ability to ever find help or peace as I would no longer possess the mass required to alert the attention of anyone who can help Me... I would no longer Be any kind of Me... I would simply be pain... and in pain...
I am so afraid...
And I am so terribly lonely :'(
Sunday, 13 January 2013
A tiny piece of peace...
Tonight he said things to me that, for the first time in a long time, felt real...
They are things he has said to me a million times before... But this time, instead of bouncing off and feeling unreal and untrue and empty... they felt real
It is a relief
I dont know if his words felt real because I was whichever part of me who is in a relationship with him... Or because I had a moment of clarity...
I just know that it was a relief... and that it felt good... and that I needed it to feel good... for no other reason than I needed it to help me get through this hell that has been unleashed inside of my head... I need something happy to cling to so that I dont drown...
What this means for my relationship with him ultimately, I truly dont know... I am as in this relationship as I am out of it... I cant seem to get everyone inside to agree... and unfortunately, both factions have very real and valid points... At this point, and for the foreseeable future, I remain... I have no plans to leave him... The battle is an internal one... But that is not the battle I need to be focussing on right now...
Right now... I need to focus on that tiny little island of peace I found tonight... I need to draw strength from that... And I need to use that strength to fight... for my sanity and for my life...
I can only fight with everything that is in Me now, (as I have always done) and to hope, once again, that this is going to be enough
Saturday, 12 January 2013
Involuntary Russian Roulette...
I feel as though the whole of Me is in a state of flux...
Literally nothing is stable or settled... And I am fast losing track of... who I am... what I want... how I feel... I am very close to even losing my grasp on verbal communication...
And... I am losing my grip on reality...
I know for sure right now, that I am very, very close to the edge...
And I have no idea of what to do about it... how to do it... or even if there is anything I can do about it at all..
I am really, really, really... scared...
How do I find help when I am so very okay one moment... and so dangerously not okay the next?
How do I find help when a hospital's only chosen avenue of 'helping' is to medicate a problem that cannot be medicated away? When medication does nothing more than fill my body with addictive toxins that sedate me out of my mind so that I am still in excruciating mental and emotional pain, but just physically paralysed from screaming out for help... When it takes away my choices and only makes the problem worse by rendering me incapable of dealing with it and facing the excruciating medication withdrawal process? When those who medicate me cannot be trusted to listen to me... or believe me
I know what is happening inside of me... I understand what is happening... I cant stop it... But I am honest... And I know that I need help right now... and that that help is not found at the bottom of a pill bottle...
I am not against medication... I am actually open to it... I even wish there was a medication that could help me... But I have been down that track many times now... and I have learned (and my doctor, my mental health nurse, and my psychologist agree) that medication really isnt any sort of an answer in my case...
The thought that medication holds no answers for me is frightening... :'(
The thought of putting myself in the hands of 'medical professionals' I cannot trust is almost as frightening as playing the Russian Roulette I am playing by dealing with this unsupervised and hoping against hope that I survive... I am absolutely terrified!
But hospital is pointless and only adds to the problems I am dealing with in the long run... so really, what other choice do I have?
Literally nothing is stable or settled... And I am fast losing track of... who I am... what I want... how I feel... I am very close to even losing my grasp on verbal communication...
And... I am losing my grip on reality...
I know for sure right now, that I am very, very close to the edge...
And I have no idea of what to do about it... how to do it... or even if there is anything I can do about it at all..
I am really, really, really... scared...
How do I find help when I am so very okay one moment... and so dangerously not okay the next?
How do I find help when a hospital's only chosen avenue of 'helping' is to medicate a problem that cannot be medicated away? When medication does nothing more than fill my body with addictive toxins that sedate me out of my mind so that I am still in excruciating mental and emotional pain, but just physically paralysed from screaming out for help... When it takes away my choices and only makes the problem worse by rendering me incapable of dealing with it and facing the excruciating medication withdrawal process? When those who medicate me cannot be trusted to listen to me... or believe me
I know what is happening inside of me... I understand what is happening... I cant stop it... But I am honest... And I know that I need help right now... and that that help is not found at the bottom of a pill bottle...
I am not against medication... I am actually open to it... I even wish there was a medication that could help me... But I have been down that track many times now... and I have learned (and my doctor, my mental health nurse, and my psychologist agree) that medication really isnt any sort of an answer in my case...
The thought that medication holds no answers for me is frightening... :'(
The thought of putting myself in the hands of 'medical professionals' I cannot trust is almost as frightening as playing the Russian Roulette I am playing by dealing with this unsupervised and hoping against hope that I survive... I am absolutely terrified!
But hospital is pointless and only adds to the problems I am dealing with in the long run... so really, what other choice do I have?
So alone...
Being online at this time of night makes me feel so lonely and empty...
But right now I have nowhere else to go... At least, nowhere I want to go, or even can go where I would be welcome, as once more, he is melting down when I need him the most... over nothing (his explaination, not mine)
I was supposed to be there this week... And when I couldnt be, he promised he would come here... Another broken, empty promise... More pretty words for which he got and took credit... Pretty words which, once drained of their ability to get him the love, gratitude and hero status he craved, were nothing more than empty, meaningless echoes, bouncing around inside of me... again
Of course I was the good-girl girlfriend... I didnt express my disappointment... Or my rage (because this certainly isnt the first time or even the first issue I am dealing with silently of late)... No... Like a good girl... I swallowed it... Like I always do...
And it makes... Me... SICK!
I make me sick!
I am so sick and tired of not even registering to him lately, until he is lonely or sad or bored...
I AM NOT HERE TO FILL ALL OF THE EMOTIONAL HOLES YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR EX-WIFE LEFT IN YOUR LIFE THROUGH THEIR NEGLECT! I AM NOT HERE TO FIX OR ATTONE FOR THEIR MISTAKES AND TO GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU DESERVED FROM THEM AND NEVER GOT! I AM ALSO NOT YOUR TOY!
I... AM... ME!
And it is 4:40am... And I am not okay... And YOU should be HERE! ... where you PROMISED you would be!
I dont feel like you love Me right now... And I dont feel like I even really exist to you as who I am right now... And I hate that I truly believe you think you 'love' me, for no other reason than I almost died fighting for you and for 'Us' and that I knowingly chose to take that risk... I showed you in a very real and practical way, that I was willing to risk everything... And that even when you had given up on Me completely, I still hadnt and wouldnt give up on you! That regardless of whether or not you loved Me, I loved you! I think I make you feel secure where they didnt... And I think you crave that so deeply that your mind transforms me into whatever it takes for you to think you love me... I dont think you truly love or see Me at all :'(
FUCK! ...
Even as I write this... I am switching... again :'(
My words are, once again, ceasing to ring completely true... And yet there is truth in them!
I am so heartbroken... And so confused... And so completely... alone in all of this :'(
I dont know who you are... I dont know who I am... I dont know how to get 'back'... I dont know anything for sure anymore...
I am so very... NOT OKAY
:'(
But right now I have nowhere else to go... At least, nowhere I want to go, or even can go where I would be welcome, as once more, he is melting down when I need him the most... over nothing (his explaination, not mine)
I was supposed to be there this week... And when I couldnt be, he promised he would come here... Another broken, empty promise... More pretty words for which he got and took credit... Pretty words which, once drained of their ability to get him the love, gratitude and hero status he craved, were nothing more than empty, meaningless echoes, bouncing around inside of me... again
Of course I was the good-girl girlfriend... I didnt express my disappointment... Or my rage (because this certainly isnt the first time or even the first issue I am dealing with silently of late)... No... Like a good girl... I swallowed it... Like I always do...
And it makes... Me... SICK!
I make me sick!
I am so sick and tired of not even registering to him lately, until he is lonely or sad or bored...
I AM NOT HERE TO FILL ALL OF THE EMOTIONAL HOLES YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR EX-WIFE LEFT IN YOUR LIFE THROUGH THEIR NEGLECT! I AM NOT HERE TO FIX OR ATTONE FOR THEIR MISTAKES AND TO GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU DESERVED FROM THEM AND NEVER GOT! I AM ALSO NOT YOUR TOY!
I... AM... ME!
And it is 4:40am... And I am not okay... And YOU should be HERE! ... where you PROMISED you would be!
I dont feel like you love Me right now... And I dont feel like I even really exist to you as who I am right now... And I hate that I truly believe you think you 'love' me, for no other reason than I almost died fighting for you and for 'Us' and that I knowingly chose to take that risk... I showed you in a very real and practical way, that I was willing to risk everything... And that even when you had given up on Me completely, I still hadnt and wouldnt give up on you! That regardless of whether or not you loved Me, I loved you! I think I make you feel secure where they didnt... And I think you crave that so deeply that your mind transforms me into whatever it takes for you to think you love me... I dont think you truly love or see Me at all :'(
FUCK! ...
Even as I write this... I am switching... again :'(
My words are, once again, ceasing to ring completely true... And yet there is truth in them!
I am so heartbroken... And so confused... And so completely... alone in all of this :'(
I dont know who you are... I dont know who I am... I dont know how to get 'back'... I dont know anything for sure anymore...
I am so very... NOT OKAY
:'(
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
Nothing...
How is it so easy, to, even without trying, make others (both men and women), fall desperately and completely in love with me...
And yet, so impossible to truly and completely, fall in love, myself?
I feel so alone... again... right now :'(
I feel as though there is no-one in all of the world who is like Me... As though there is no-one I couldnt make feel something for me... willing or not
I feel powerless... I feel trapped by my life and by others' desire for me... I feel I do not exist as a person in my own right with rights... I feel as though even the air is touching me against my will...
I am afraid... of everything
I dont feel okay... I dont understand... And I dont have even the first inklings of an idea of what to do right now...
I feel so lost... And so not a real person at all... I want to cry... but I dont feel as though I have the right to because I dont feel I really exist...
I am nothing...
I exist to service others and nothing else...
And I truly believe, right now, that once again, the universe is attempting to right an imbalance...
I died when I was only 18 months old...
This is why I do not truly exist as a real person... And this is why the universe keeps trying to end Me... I should have stayed dead... I didnt... And so now I live a living death...
Not dead... Not alive... Not anything...
Just waiting and fighting a fight I dont even want to win, for no other reason than the body I exist within's instinct to survive; an instinct I have not yet learned to conquer...
Why wont the world just let me go....................
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