So alone because...

The words just came to Me...

A part of why I feel so desperately unsafe and so painfully alone of late is that, regardless of assurances to the contrary, I am not accepted...

Almost everyone in my life knows I am DID... Almost everyone in my life also keeps telling me that it is safe to be Me, whomever that is at any given moment... I am, at times, even gently and lovingly berated when I forget or completely fail to understand this concept at all...

Yet here I am... right now... alienating and losing people (even some of the people who are JUST LIKE ME who profess to accept and understand Me, but clearly DONT) all over the place, as I lose my grip on what is considered, the acceptable version of myself...

THIS IS ME TOO!

I AM NOT OKAY!

I am looking for every possible way out of this hell... And as much as YOU dont want to know about it... I am only barely surviving, living it! I am NOT in love with my pain! I am NOT happy feeling this way! I am NOT a perpetual victim wannabe! I do NOT want to shoot down any possible solutions you come up with to help me! I WANT YOU TO WIN! I want your solutions to work!

I am simply so NOT OKAY that I need to first test your solution before I invest what tiny scraps of hope and energy I have left, into it... I have no room and no reserves left for putting hope and effort into a solution that will likely fail right now... I am that NOT OKAY! If I fail... I just might actually DIE this time!

And if your solution isnt the magical one, ITS NOT ABOUT YOU! You havent failed... The solution just didnt/doesnt work for me... I have been doing this ALONE my whole life... Thats around 36 years! (It's only been very recently that I have even had anywhere to go for any kind of real help, that isnt inside of myself)... I have kept me alive all of these years... Not anybody else! JUST ME! Chances are Ive already tried everything you come up with and a million variations of it... but that doesnt stop me hoping and praying you might have thought of something I havent or seen something I have missed...

I cant protect you as well as me right now :'(

And being that you cant love Me as I am right now, without it being a huge sacrifice or concession you are making... I now know that I am not safe...

I wish that you would have just been honest with me... I wish I had trusted my gut before now... I could have saved my safe place and us...

At some point, when I am stronger again and this crisis has passed, I am sure I will be able to find that acceptable version of me, once more... And I will find a way to stomach you absolving me, again, of the sin of being this unacceptable version of me that I am right now... You will have your precious Charli back... (God! I hate that name right now! It makes me sick!) I may even temporarily forget this truth that I know right now... be able to bask in what feels like real unconditional love, for a while... I can only hope...

But in the end, deep down I will always know...

I am truly alone...