Even I am sick of Me...

It has been one hell of a day with temperatures to match...

Being out in it was no fun at all...

And I am so flustered, overheated and stressed that I no longer know whether or not I want to do any of the things left on my list today :( I dont know how I feel about anything...

I have texts and facebook messages that are important to catch up on so that there isnt unnecessary hurt over the potential misinterpretation that I am angry at these people or am cutting them off... but I honestly just cant face it right now... My words (believe it or not) just keep disappearing every time I try and I just feel so overwhelmed and deeply sad...

There certainly are people that I am angry at... But they have no clue whatsoever because I havent said or done anything that even remotely hints at how I am feeling or why right now... I want to dump them all off of my facebook (not that they would probably notice), but on the off chance that they did notice, it would burn bridges that I am as yet unsure I want to burn... I dont know how much of what I am feeling is unbalanced-alter-related and what is simply Me having had enough... And I am so sick and tired of apologising and making things right again in relationships and in situations I wasnt in the wrong in the first place... I am certainly no perfect angel... There are times I have been wrong and I have done all I possibly can to right those wrongs... But in these particular cases, I am not in the wrong :(

I am tired... and I am drained... and I am under enormous amounts of pressure that just dont seem to let up... And I am so f**king sick of all of it!

I am sick, even, of hearing my own thoughts in my head... Its like a f**king broken record that no-one has turned off! :'( And how the hell am I supposed to be able to believe in or feel secure in friendships and relationships when even I dont want to be around Me?! :'(

I keep working SO HARD for this illusive wonderful life that apparently I am supposed to deserve... but time and time again, yet another thing I couldnt have possibly predicted or had any part in even creating subconsciously, comes screaming at Me! IM SO FUCKING TIRED! :'(

Im tired of being judged
Im tired of being abused
Im tired of being bullied
Im tired of being used
Im tired of always falling so far short of what everyone else expects and demands of Me, AND being punished for it... even when they dont try at all (where it comes to Me) themselves!
Im tired of fighting
Im tired of being in so much physical pain all of the time
Im tired of my body never truly being my own
Im tired of being there for others, yet feeling so desperately alone Myself
Im tired of crying
Im tired of anything good offered from the one or two people in my life who do care, feeling so hollow and empty, that it just bounces off of Me... I know I would be in a much worse way without it... and I am so desperate to be able to feel it... I need it... No matter how hard I try though, I just cant touch it :'(
Im tired of BEING TIRED!

And Im so tired of seeing my pain etched into these pages...

I used to be able to write about more than just this... :'( I used to be able to present to the world in a way that so much more accurately represented who I truly am and how I truly feel... But lately, whenever I get close to any form of potential help or relief, all of this unrelenting sadness and pain comes spewing out faster than I am able to stop it... It feels like a neverending flow of vomit just coming out, gallon after gallon, after gallon... I cant even breathe anymore! I feel like Im suffocating! :'(

I do have times of joy and hope and happiness in my life... but they only seem to happen now when I am completely alone... and that is such a lonely thing in and of itself... :'(

It is not just my safe place that I have lost right now... It's everything :'(

I dont know how to be around people anymore... I dont feel safe... and I am very much not okay... But there is no cure or anything that I know of that will help... I just have to try to breathe my way through this... again... and hope that, once again, by some random, completely unrelated chance, I come out the other end alive and the best version of okay that I can be...

If only there was a formula that worked every time :'(