A Happy Place...

Right at this exact moment in time... I am in a happy place...

I don't know why... When I logically look at the past 24 hours, I cannot comprehend how it is even possible to feel this way...

But...

I don't care why.

I simply AM happy... And THAT is all that matters right now...

I feel exhausted but tranquil and serene and peaceful inside...

Is this all simply down to a 'changing of the guard'? Am I dissociated? Do I have solid reasons, firmly routed in the 'real world' to be feeling this way? Will this feeling pass as unexpectedly as it came?

I don't know...

But right now... I have life-giving oxygen... And ALL I am going to do is breathe it in... every last happy breath of it... right down to the last atom...

I NEED this...

I've EARNED this...

I DESERVE this...

It's MINE...

And so now... I'm off to enjoy it!

Wrong?

... And then sometimes... you can be wrong... But am I?

Trigger? Misinterpretation? Emotional immaturity? Conditioning?

I honestly don't know anymore...

I've had such a horrendously emotionally fstressful day and I've been switching so much that I don't know my 'real' feelings from the more unbalanced and out of proportion ones...

I only know that I was VERY not okay... And that now I think I feel okay...

Only time will tell I suppose...

I know there was more I wanted to say but I'm so exhausted I can barely think... And so now I'm going to sleep...

Heartbroken :'(

Some paths you walk in life appear different... but in actual fact, they never truly change...

Tonight I feel heartbroken on a night I should be so blissfully happy... I wish I wasn't here...

I've been everything I can be and I've given more than all I have... again

I feel even less than invisible...

How could he do that WITHOUT even any alcohol as an excuse and not know it was so desperately wrong... Let alone show it off to me...

And now, once again... DESPITE the fact I have SO MANY reasons to be very much NOT okay today, IIII have to suck it up and PRETEND that I'm okay and that of course nothing is wrong... IIII have to put aside the excruciating pain inside... And IIII have to find a way to hold back all of these burning hot, unshed tears...

I have no choice... because this is her wedding day... and I WON'T cause a scene...

I hate this :'(