:(

Just woke myself up ACTUALLY crying...

I feel so exhausted and lonely :'(

Saved?

Could it really be that the existence of clairvoyants has just saved my life?

Or more to the point, the existence of what a true clairvoyant is able to SEE...

That we then MUST be more than just decaying cells gives me hope...

And THAT is where I am going to leave both these thoughts and this entry...

I have found a glimmer of hope... That is ALL that matters to me right now...

I survived...

Well it would seem I have survived the latest tidal wave...

I wish I felt less sarcastic and numb about it than I do... but I don't... and there is no point bemoaning what should have been...

To simply deal with what 'is' serves a much better purpose... Although what that purpose is, I have no idea...

I feel like I sound like a crazy person... Perhaps I am... crazy...

But again, labels are unimportant... Best to simply deal with what is and keep moving forward...

You know, I really don't feel as though I have a purpose at all...

Yes, I have chosen to stay so that the children I gave birth to suffer less than they would if I was no longer here... And to help keep them blind and stupid to the reality that there really IS no meaning in life...

Life is simply an existence... A random collection of cells that do their thing, slowly decaying, until they die and exist no longer... It's a cycle that repeats itself with humans and animals and plants, without descrimination... My daughters don't need to know that...

I think that there is much truth to the old adage that 'ignorance is bliss'... It is bliss...

Back on topic though... I honestly feel there is no purpose in my life for ME... And believing what I apparently do, it is impossible for me to ever HAVE a purpose... I am simply cells doing what cells do... Living... Decaying... Dying... No big picture... No grand design... No God who created all of this for his beloved human beings... Just life and then eventually... the Nothing

You know what? Even this is pointless... I think perhaps it's time I stop...

Sliding...

I can feel myself slowly but surely sliding back to where I was for almost all of yesterday...

I am terrified...

Much longer in that state of mind and really bad things would have begun to happen, either yesterday or very soon after...

I dont want to leave the house right now... I am afraid... and overwhelmed... But if I dont get out and right now... something worse might happen...

Once again... I am trapped... I have no real choice... Survival is necessary for the sakes of my daughters... but not for Me

And so now I head out to face my fear of the outside world in the hope that I might find myself in a better, and hopefully, not worse situation than I find myself in now...

Waking up...

It feels like waking up out of a fog...

I am still extremely fragile... And it certainly would not take very much at all to push me right back over the edge again... But right at this exact moment I feel differently to how I felt yesterday...

I am terrified of what is going to happen in court, with regard to my license, on Tuesday... And have been having nightmares about that and about the custody hearing all night... Well, for quite a number of nights now... But, again... Whatever I am feeling now, is not quite the endless desolate fog I was in yesterday...

I dont know what to do to strengthen this current state of mind, so that I dont slip back to where I was... and that is scary... But I figure that if I take just one step at a time... If I have a shower... If I spend some time watching movies... If I take the pressure off of myself to live up to other people's expectations today... And if I dont make the mistake of having any expectations or hopes that rely on anything or anyone external to myself, just for today... Then maybe I will make it through today... Hopefully a little stronger tomorrow... And a little stronger again, the day after that...

Its highly likely I am still going to be starving myself intermittently... Im working on getting past it... But its not killing me right at this second... And to be honest, whether or not the underlying thought process on that one makes sense... Its all I have right now... Its the only illusion of control I have over my life... And its the only form of self-harm I have that isnt going to show in a way that could jeopardise this custody case or destroy everything I have worked so hard for in other ways... Besides, I could do with losing a little weight...

I think, perhaps later, I might go for a walk by myself... And I wont try to make sure I am home waiting for him, when he finally gets home... As a matter of fact, I will try to be deliberately late... I think that I will show both myself and him that I am too good to spend my life waiting around for someone who has no interest in protecting what he has with me (because he thinks I will simply always be there)... That I am no longer willing to be the only one fighting so hard and sacrificing so much for this relationship...

It sounds petty and stupid... And if I werent in so much trouble emotionally, I would simply let it go and go on being who I truly am... But right now, I need to take back something of me for me... Because its having nothing left, on top of everything else I have going on, that has led to me being so desperately unwell...

Here goes...

So sick :'(

I am getting sick...

No... Actually... I already am sick... What I am getting now, is sicker...

I can feel myself going under...

I am becoming confused...

I feel like I am underwater and no longer know which way is up to the surface where I will be able to breathe and know hope and life again... And which way is down to the unoxygenated depths of an endlessly deep ocean that traps me in a torment-filled, living hell but refuses to drown me... Where my lungs burn and scream for air, but where death will not come...

Instead I am caught in the limbo between life and death... I wait anxiously for a death that may or may not come... Trapped, fighting for a life I have ceased to want but do not know how to let go of... Running from the terror of the dying itself...And it is this very running and fighting which prevents me from finding the peace of actual death...

I am screaming for help...

I honestly dont know what is going to happen from moment to moment anymore... I no longer know what kind of help I need... Or if such help even exists...

What if death really is the only answer left to me now?

An answer I am denied because of them... Because of my daughters...

Not because of some wonderful connection I feel to them... Because right now, I dont... sometimes I cant... but right now I simply wont... I hurt so much over them and everything connected to them that I have now emotionally shut down... at least for now...

The reason is, simply, because they do not deserve it... They do not deserve all of the fallout that would come (for them) from either the suicide (or the death) of a parent... particularly a mother... I guess...

Not that I feel like a mother anymore...

I feel like a victim... A victim who will never escape the horrific nightmare her captor designed for her... The nightmare in which he toys with her for nothing more than his own disgusting... twisted... pleasure... That is why death is my only answer now...

Hidden from me right now, is a deep love for my daughters... I know this... I see it as a photograph inside of my mind... A moment in time captured in a picture, but which fails to capture the accompanying emotions... A picture I can look at, but not reach out and touch... No, only the people inside of the picture can know the emotions they felt... Only I can know what loving them, the way I do in that photo, feels like... when I can remember... when it is safe... which is not right now... :'(

Right now I wish that they did not exist at all... Because if they did not exist, I would no longer be tied in any way to this world... I could simply let go and finally find peace... Looking into their faces at this very moment would bring more pain than I could hold inside of me... It would trigger the mother in me... And her heart would break and shatter over and over and over again... I CANT DO THIS!

Why are you (I dont even know who 'you' are) making me do this? Survive this? Live this? Its TORTURE! PLEASE! JUST MAKE IT STOP! LET IT STOP! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE! :'(

I cant keep screaming like this... And yet I am currently unable to escape to the safety of alters who might be able to shield me, any better, from this either...

It is the middle of the night... And I am completely alone... And lost...

All I have is Me... and... no escape :'(

I want to let go...

I want to give up...

I just want to walk away from it all... forever

I don't want to keep fighting for every tiny scrap of happiness... Or continue to be expected to be ridiculously grateful for even the smallest kindnesses or considerations... Or grateful when someone permits me my rights...

I just want to let it all go and to freefall into the abyss...

I want to be dead.

Starving...

I starve myself because on some level I believe it is currency...

A currency that I can somehow use to bargain for better in my life...

It's not working :(

Deeply Depressed

Today I am deeply depressed...

And I know exactly why...

The problem is, I feel powerless to do anything about it...

Being a multiple means that there are many times I am completely unable to see things the way they 'are'... That is not to say that each alter's perspective is invalid... Only that not all perspectives are balanced or based on the belief systems of the alter who made the original decision...

And so I am stuck...

Stuck in what has come to feel like a never-ending cycle of being happy and miserable in this situation and not knowing which perspective is the most accurate one; the one upon which I should act...

All I do know is that walking away cost me my sanity and almost my life... And there has to be a good reason for that... surely???

I feel so alone in this...

I feel as though I cant talk to anyone about how I am feeling or ask for advice because this cycle keeps repeating itself... I am happy for a while... And then I am miserable and stuck again... And I am powerless to change anything because with every 'change of the guard' (switch in alters), a whole different belief system takes control...

One faction believes completely that there are simply few or even possibly no redeeming qualities which would support the idea of staying in this situation and that nothing short of walking away makes any sense whatsoever... (These alters also are completely emotionally unattached to this person and find sustaining this situation repulsive and traumatic)...

The other faction is completely the opposite... They are deeply emotionally involved (although right now I cannot remember how or why)... And they believe the beautiful words that come from this person (whereas the 'others' find them empty and meaningless and stupid and even, at times, manipulative)... They feel peaceful and loved and whole in this person's presence and embrace... I am a different person when they are around... I feel happy and free and safe (instead of cold and alone and half dead)...

The problem is that both factions have it exactly right...

I truly believe that I am both deeply loved and taken for granted and neglected...

Right now I feel so angry and angry and angry... And I feel so heartbroken... And I feel so alone... And I feel so unfulfilled... and trapped... And I feel unbalanced and restless... And I am punishing myself by refusing to do anything that makes me feel happy... Even though at the very same time, I am desperately writing this journal entry in an attempt to claw my way back and to save myself and this relationship... :'( PLEASE SOMEONE, JUST HELP ME MAKE THIS STOP! :'(

I HATE being a multiple! I HATE all of this undeserved pain! I HATE continually having to agonise over each and every tiny decision, just in case it destroys my whole damned life! And I HATE that even though I had so OBVIOUSLY switched and had SAID SO and was BEGGING to be left alone to sort out the insanity from what actually made sense (before I said or committed to any thoughts or feelings), myself so that I could regroup and explain when I had the words and the understanding, that this person STILL expected and kept pushing me to force my way through to give them a running commentary of what I was feeling and what was going on AND confronted me on it! And I HATE that when I am BEGGING for just a TINY bit of time and space as Im already under such enormous pressure in the REAL world, that this person is pushing me to 'heal' and to seek out and work my arse off to deal with every little thing inside of my head because THEY dont like seeing me in so much pain! (for my own sake to a certain extent... but mostly - I suspect - for their sake, because it hurts them to see me hurt and makes them feel powerless when they cant help me)

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! Just ONE little thing goes wrong in their world and this person runs for time alone and doesnt cope... Well, MY WHOLE FUCKING WORLD IS IMPLODING AND EXPLODING AND SHATTERING AND FALLING APART BOTH INSIDE AND OUT! Give me a god-damned BREAK!

I really just cant take this anymore... :'(

Maybe that is why I am punishing myself today... Maybe its because I am not only mad at myself... But primarily I am trying to survive all of this... And if I can just keep myself distracted from what is really happening, by suffering at my own hands and at the mercy of something I created (and so therefor can, in theory at least, control and stop), then just maybe I might be able to make it through...

I HATE MY HEAD! And I HATE THIS TORTUROUS EXISTENCE!

I DIDNT DO THIS! I DONT DESERVE THIS!

IT'S NOT FAIR! :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

please make it stop... :'(