A Darker Shade of Violet

My Girls

Today, after a mind-bending week, I am back at work for a partial shift and hanging out with my Girls <3

There are many drawbacks to working for an Agency in this industry, but the love and friendship of these Girls is not one of them...

I have lost count of the number of times that I have run 'home' to these amazing women... and the number of times their friendship has literally saved my life.

Right now, we are sitting in Room 1, listening to music, watching random clips online, talking about life the universe and everything and just 'being'...

Literally only 4 people in the whole world know that I have cut again for the first time in probably close to 15 years, and these Girls of mine are two of them.

For so many reasons, I want to go and work privately again but I don't want to lose contact with these Girls who are, at times, more like sisters and family than anyone else I have ever had in my life.

This is both beautiful and sad... how has a brothel become my Home... my Safe Place... and how have the Girls who work there, become my Family?

It is not the first time I have asked myself this question... and I am sure it won't be the last

Today though, I am just grateful... I love these Girls with all my Heart

Scarlet x

And the Heartbreaking Cycle Repeats

I keep working so hard...

I want better... Hell, I even deserve better...

And yet for reasons I cannot even begin to fathom, no matter how hard I try, I continually find myself back in exactly the same desperate and abused situation...

... maybe not straight away... but one way or another... sooner or later... everything comes full circle and I find myself right back where I began... only even more exhausted, depleted and despondent...

I have tried everything...

I am sitting here tonight, in a place I shouldn't be... waiting to do things I shouldn't do... all in the name of being able to get even slightly ahead...

I don't want to be here... I don't want to need to be here... but ultimately, it is all I can rely on... and even then it is notoriously unreliable

I do not belong here... so many people have told me that over the years. I even believe it.

Yet here I am...

Here is the only place I have ever thrived... as long as I am not me (in the room)

Violet 2.0 x

 Diving once more into the Abyss???

I want to go back to work...

I want to be in control of my life again...

I want financial control back...

Even more-so, I want to be in emotional control of myself once more...

Too much has happened in the 'real world' that has left me torn open and bleeding all over the place... When I work, I cannot be so open... I am invulnerable to being so badly wounded... I am strong... I am closed... I have a hard shell... I am brittle... but I am also impenetrable...

I want control over the severe PTSD from the damage done to me during my studies to become an Art Therapist; studies I still have not fully completed but that maybe I will finally be able to if I go back to work.

I want to subject myself to an emotional trauma that I can control. I want to use that controlled trauma to outrun the trauma of losing my daughter and how powerless and trapped in a world of emotional pain so excruciating that I am not even sure of how I am surviving it, I am.

I want to force myself to be partially shut down emotionally, and in doing so, no longer able to be so badly hurt by how vulnerable I am in this new romantic relationship and the pain of his lack of communication and neglect.

I want my confidence and a healthier level of self-esteem back. I want to feel like a desirable woman again. I want to experience men being grateful for my talent and attention to detail and my particular skill set. I want to wear lingerie and to feel sexy and desired.

I am good at what I do! I am worth so much more than the apathy and the 'take it or leave it' 'whatever' attitude I am getting from someone who should be worshipping the ground I walk on, not taking me for granted! (And yes, I most certainly worship the ground he walks on already!)

I have been thinking about this decision for quite some time now... Long before he even came into my life... I set it aside for him; something I have never whole-heartedly done for anyone before... I made that choice despite how much financial peril it had the potential to put me in.

I thought it would be worth it.

Now, I am not so sure.

He is not pulling his weight emotionally or sexually and I am falling further and further into a place where I have no confidence, my self-esteem is in the toilet and I cannot even remember who I truly am or my power as a sensual, sexual woman. It has also re-started a cycle of dreading sex but craving the reassurance of being wanted... and the hope that at some point I might be deemed worthy of his making an effort and putting himself out there even just a little bit, to see what I like and what might work for me too... :'(

I honestly feel worthless right now... and that is so not right or okay... in any way

My anger and the desire to self-harm and self-sabotage; acting out on impulse is growing in strength.

I am switching hard too.

Driving home from his house the other day, I found myself on auto-pilot, driving toward my old work (rather than directly home), mentally preparing to do a shift. I caught myself as I neared the agency and continued driving home instead but the depth of that switch and the how instant the switching itself happened; no warning whatsoever and not even triggered (I was feeling pretty connected to him and happy at the time)... it scared the hell out of me!

Financially there is a huge drive to go back to working also.

I have had too many drops in finance and I have too many bills... I do not have enough financial breathing room to be able to negotiate them all and take care of basic things like getting my phone screen and my dryer fixed, or getting my car serviced, or being able to buy clothes that don't make me feel fat and ugly, actually fit and aren't so cheap that they'll last no more than five minutes anyway...

When I made the decision to enter this industry, I made myself a promise... I promised myself that in return for betraying myself in the worst way possible, I would never force myself to live in financial terror again. I have betrayed that promise on more than one occasion now... and for people who certainly did not (and do not) deserve that level of loyalty and commitment from me.

Is this the point at which I draw the line? Is it now this far and no further?

I will not be able to unmake this choice once I have done my first job back. Am I really ready to do that? Am I really ready to give up hope of this new and clean-feeling existence? Am I ready to potentially walk away from what is possibly the best chance I have ever had at a real relationship and a real life?

Is there really no other way to take 'Me' back and to also survive this emotional pain I am going through and this snowballing financial terror???

Am I even able to grasp the enormity of the decision before me and to make a clear and balanced decision?

And am I running away? (in which case I would choose to refrain from working again and to breathe through the terror)... Or am I taking back what is mine and walking away? And how on earth can I be sure which of these it is that I am doing???

Is this what it has all come down to...

Really???

Violet 2.0 x

Disappearing...

I do not want to let today, November 14th, pass (even though it is now almost 2:20am on the 15th and so the 'today' I am referring to technically has passed... but anyway...) without logging this huge news...

I quit the Agency!

I really... truly... did it! ... AT LAST!

No-one at the Agency even actually knows... But I know... and that is what counts...

I left my locker key and padlock on the reception desk with a note saying that I no longer needed my locker... And then I took my description card out of the file... And I left...

I left as though it was just another normal day... I left as though nothing was wrong... I left as though I was coming back again... at some point... on another shift... on another day... or night...

But I am not...

If I can hold my ground with the Alters who crave the 'Family' of an Agency... If I can help them to understand... and more importantly, to remember... just how bad things really were there... If I can do all of this... I really won't be back... not ever

I have so many stories to tell of my time at this Agency... and at the other Agencies I have worked at... and from when I have worked privately too, for that matter... But all of them will have to wait for another time... A time when I have had the chance to process this a little better... and to come to terms with no longer having an Agency 'Family'... or an Agency 'Home'...

And so now I am completely Alone in this particular World once more...

But I am safer... I am happier... and I am no longer paying a ridiculous percentage of what I make to someone who not only does almost nothing to earn that money... but who has actually been so lazy and negligent that I have been badly hurt... multiple times!

There have been no dramatic 'official goodbyes' or anything of the sort... I simply made myself 'disappear' from that place...

No part of me has been left behind... I have made sure of that...

I am free...

And some day... some how... I will find a way to be okay with that... and to feel good

Alone

Today I am on shift again and I feel incredibly out of place and alone...

I was on shift yesterday and saw no clients... It was the same the day before... And it is now happening again today...

I feel worthless... I feel pathetic... I feel unwanted and undesirable... I feel invisible...

Such is the reality of this Industry... One day you own the world and no-one can get enough of you... the next, no-one wants you and there is a deep, bottomless abyss that opens up underneath you...and you fall... down and down and down and down... The emptiness and the shame make you wish you were dead... or better still, never born... afterall, a girl who is not even wanted by the lowest of the low grade clients who frequent a brothel, doesn't have the right to call herself a girl, let alone exist... does she?

Being aware that this is simply a manifestation of a down day does nothing significant to ease the pain that watching other girls get what scant work comes in here, despite being better dressed and presented, more well spoken, and friendlier and more obliging than any of the other girls on shift, brings... Particularly when your 'fall from grace' has been so far... It was not long ago that a service for which I am now paid only $70 (which, believe it or not, is one of the better cuts in the Industry), once brought me in $250!

If I really wanted to, I could re-list my ads... And perhaps I should... I don't really know what has been stopping me... I am so much better than the rates I get here... This is not the Me that I know... This is Scarlet... and again, I don't know why... She has our collective knowledge... why on earth is she choosing to work at an Agency over and above, working for Herself and not just taking a 60% cut, but the whole 100%?!

But Scarlet is not here... there are no clients... and so there is no her... All of which leaves Me, picking up the pieces of 'Us'' that are currently being traumatised by waiting here in a brothel where 'We' do not belong... Add to this the fact that Scarlet does not show up properly if at all , until 'We' have seen 'Our' first client... And once again, I do not really understand why... I don't get the impression that she needs to be traumatised out... but perhaps I am wrong in this... Perhaps that is exactly what is happening!

All I know is that it is not fair! And that I am paying dearly for it at the moment... :'(

There is so much more... but I am in huge amounts of pain... I am sleep deprived... I am stressed... and I just can't write any more right now...

More later perhaps...

Scarlet (who is in and out and feeling the pain of being overlooked too) and someone whose name I am not privy to... Xx

Oh and I don't know why I am revealing this; it just seems important... I have not eaten all day so far... I am exhausted... and I am hungry... I am even feeling faint... but it feels like a punishment of some kind; one I deserve even though I cannot, for the life of Me, coherently explain why.
  

Staying the Night

It is 4:13am and I am here at the Agency, spending the night...

It has certainly been a strange experience!

Instead of going to be in one of the rooms, I have chosen to spend the night out here on the couch in the 'Girls' Room'...

There are a few reasons for this:
1. There is a tv in the Girls' Room
2. There is also a security monitor in the Girls' Room which flicks between the front and back door cameras, meaning that I can see who is trying to get in, if I hear any strange noises at either door
3. Although I don't know that I believe in ghosts, the Girls here have often talked about the ghost who hangs out in Room 2 and walks up and down the coridoor - As I said, I don't know for sure that I even believe in ghosts but all night there have been strange noises on and off and to be honest, it has me a little spooked, so I have a loud fan going and have turned up the tv so that I hopefully won't hear 'him', should he decide to wander around... The Girls have said he is a friendly 'Protector' ghost... but still... it would certainly freak me out in a huge way if I ever saw 'him'... particularly if I was here alone

Unfortunately, it has been pretty quiet here today... That could be because it is a public holiday... it could be because temperatures soared again today after having been quite pleasantly warm for the past few days... or it could simply be some weird ebb and flow thing that happens with clients... Maybe Mondays at agencies are just crap even when there isn't a public holiday, I really don't know... Although, I must say, that the few public holidays I did work at an Agency, years ago, were always really quiet, so who knows?

Tonight was my fourth shift... And it was a very good thing that it was an easy one... no, I didn't make any money... but I also wasn't hurt, abused or insulted by clients, like I was last night... This 'dead' shift has given me a chance to create and enjoy some really positive associations with this place... Tonight I got to know a couple of the Girls better... I got to feel relaxed and remain untouched... I got to enjoy my time here... And in the only 'Intro' I did do, where the client was somewhat rude and insistent, I got to stand up for Myself and WIN! :)

So, although on the money front, this shift has been a complete waste of time, emotionally it has been precisely what I needed... and I think that it is entirely possible that even if I had known ahead of time that there wouldn't have been any clients who would stay and book a Girl tonight, I still would have come in...

The final reason I chose to stay here tonight is to test Myself...

I need to know whether or not I will be emotionally okay if I work here during the weeks when I have my daughters living with Me... I need to test whether or not I am able to successfully make that mental and emotional transition... and if I am able to switch in time and on demand... None of which is possible if I can't wake up and get here on time...

And there ends tonight's bedtime story kids... ;) There is more... but not tonight... It is now 4:46am, I have not yet slept... and work begins at 10am...

Goodnight...

Scarlet x


Scarlet's Second Shift...

As I write this entry, I am actually mid shift at an Agency!

I never thought I would see the inside of an Agency again as a Girl... And perhaps, in a way, I am not... in that Violet is not here right now... I am Scarlet... not just by name... but by switch... And I have never worked in an Agency before...

Last night I agreed to do a favour for the Agency (I know someone else who works here and overheard a conversation in which they desperately needed her to work that night but she couldn't, so I volunteered to do a 'one job only' favour)... Anyway, just as I was on my way home to shower and most likely never look back at the Agency (it was a tough job as the client was severely disabled and non-verbal), I got a text from the receptionist literally begging me to come and see out the shift in-house as she only had one Girl on... I just wasn't ready to go home yet and face Myself, so I agreed...

I figured I would most likely just be sitting there, waiting out the shift as the Industry has been incredibly quiet lately...

I was wrong...

I ended up doing a couple of 'Intros' and got a job out of it... Not bad for having begun the night expecting to be staring at the television in my bedroom until the sun came up, at which point, if I was lucky, I'd finally fall into something resembling broken sleep... And it was a sanity-saving way to end the shift as I really needed an easy booking to wash away the fallout from the escort I had done... The escort had just been far too confronting and it was seriously hard work all of the way through... It is surprising just how much faster time seems to pass when you have chatting and playful banter to help distract you...

...Time Passes...

I have only just gotten home and it is now 6am (despite the Agency's closing time being 4am)... Things got pretty busy at the Agency tonight and I almost matched my shift maximum...

Client 1: Ken - Older, (maybe in his early to mid 60's?), architect, plays guitar... 45 minute booking... He insisted on beginning the booking by giving me a massage (which I don't usually allow but god I needed it as the pain I was in before I even started my shift tonight, had me almost vomiting)... After that the booking went off pretty normally, give or take, and he seems delighted and has promised to come back and see me again just as soon as he can... He also told me that one day soon he is going to take me away from the Agency and never let me come back... Oh Lord... if I had a dollar for every client who proposed marriage or wanted to 'save me' from the Industry or who wanted to take me home and keep me, or who claimed to have fallen in love with me, I would never have to work again *rolls eyes laughing*... It's early days... if he comes back, great... it was an easy booking and I would rather have regular clients than a variety of clients... If not, I am glad he at least enjoyed the service I provided and walked away whistling and smiling...

Client 2: Gary - Perhaps a little younger than Ken but only by a year or two... By trade he is an electrician but apparently, he now spends most of his time in an office, designing air-conditioning layouts... He wanted a tie and tease, extremely light bdsm fantasy session 'extra'  (where I was dominant)... At first he only booked for 45 minutes but then, just as we were about to begin, he sent me out to the receptionist to extend the booking to a full hour... He had some interesting stories to tell about his early sexual exploits I suppose (as a way of playfully dominating him, I had demanded he tell me some of his deepest darkest secrets; things he had never told anyone before, in return for my 'favours' and attention), but I guess I am a little jaded because I didn't find them nearly as erotic or interesting as he seemed to... To be honest, on a personal level, I find the idea of someone revelling in the act of cheating on their partner, quite repulsive... He seemed to think it was one of the most erotic things in the world... That makes me sad... But then, I am not there as Myself really, am I... so as sad as it would make Me (the person), Me (the Working Girl), pretty much just tries to let it go and to allow it to slide away, as quickly as possible, into the Abyss of thoughts and feelings that I don't want to touch Me or to feel Real...

Client 3: Vani - Most likely in his late 30's or early 40's and Russian... He was too drunk to achieve all he had hoped to achieve but the booking went off without too much of a hitch... It was only a half of an hour booking, in which he spent most of that time looking deep into my eyes, as I provided the service he had paid for... He didn't say much as his English was not very good... But the strangest part for me was when, after I had gotten the knock on the door, warning me there was only ten minutes to go, at about the five minute mark, he gave me double what I charged for a particular fantasy fee, for only the last few minutes of the booking! I couldn't believe it! I told him it was only half that much but he insisted I take all of what he had handed over... It made me genuinely smile... When a client does something like that, in an industry where money equals respect and gratitude, or simply a reward for a job particularly well done, it really makes me feel so much less like the trash that some of the less respectful clients can make you feel like (if you make the mistake of allowing them to get under your skin and into your head)... I was disappointed that he had asked for 'natural services' and something else I NEVER do, at the beginning of the booking... but he took my polite but assertive, 'No', quite well and behaved himself after that... I suspect he was just trying his luck...

Client 4: Magi - I believe he was somewhere in his late 20's to possibly his mid 30's... The thing that struck me as the most unusual about him was that although he was a dark skinned Iranian, he had these almost iridescent blue eyes! When the other Girls and I did our 'Intros', the Agency had already officially closed... At first a whole group had come to the door and the receptionist, wisely, turned away those who didn't have enough money... but we ended up doing Intros for three of them... the other two 'walked' (left) and Magi chose me... It was only a 20 minute booking, of which I spent the whole ten minutes we were in the room together, fighting him off (where it came to kissing)... He seemed to think that constantly trying to reposition my face so that he could kiss me would get him what he wanted... I warned him with a smile that if he continued with that behaviour, I would simply walk out and the booking would be over... He relented but still continued to pressure me verbally with remarks like 'Don't you like me?' and 'Oh but I really, really want to kiss you'... and 'Why won't you kiss me?'... I politely, repeatedly, reminded him that I was happy to provide him with the service for which he had paid and that what he wanted, with regard to kissing me, was completely irrelevant... I also reminded him that he was fully aware of what was and was not included in the service for which he had paid and that kissing certainly was NOT a part of that deal and that he could receive that service or he could continue to waste what little time he had left, trying to talk and pressure me into something which was simply NOT going to happen... Eventually he seemed to see sense and within less than five more minutes, he was 'done'... He then expected to 'go again'... I refused and told him that there was no way that I was going to allow that in such a short booking and that he could either pay me an 'extras' fee or he could get dressed and leave... He claimed to have no more money (which I suspect was true)... and after whining and attempting to coerce me into giving him everything he wanted (including the kissing, which he was still hassling me for), while I continued to get dressed and tidy the room, he finally gave up and began to get dressed, just as I left the room... Ideally, I perhaps should have thrown him out after the first two times he continued to hassle me and tried to physically push me into kissing him... but he was pretty gentle about it (physically) and he wasn't aggressive (verbally), so in this case I chose to use tact and to gracefully give him the service he paid for (but certainly did not deserve with behaviour like that) and to stand my ground... A part of me is furious with him... But another part of me has just written him off as a pratt who, despite his bad behaviour, didn't get what he wanted... so really, although continuing to try to force the issue was extremely disrespectful and truly not okay, I am happy that I was assertive and that in a sense, I guess I sort of 'won'...

I do not like the 'production lining' that goes on at an Agency... but right now I cannot feel the impact that this sort of work usually has on me emotionally... I suspect that it is because I have truly 'switched'... but dissociation does not last forever... and having seen six clients in the past twentyfour hours, if it does hit Me, is going to hit me incredibly hard... But at this stage, I have a gut feeling that immersing Myself in this temporarily, in order to completely desensitise myself to it, instead of drowning in what other Parts of Me would consider 'the Reality' of this situation, is not only a good idea, but also possibly the only way I am going to survive doing what I need to do in order to cope financially right now...

At this stage, I am going to be alright... I will deal with the 'not alright' when it hits, whether that be in a few days, when I am a Mother once more... or in weeks or months or years from now... And once again, just like the last time... and the time before that... and the times even before those... I will survive... and one day, I will even be Okay

Scarlet x

Going Back...

Lately I have been plagued by thoughts of going back to work...

With one exception, I have now been out of the industry for almost three whole years...

Wow! Time flies by so fast!

Anyway... Looking through the ads on a site I used to advertise on, I feel my stomach churning as I watch both the prices and standards of my (so-called) 'colleagues' dropping faster than their panties in a booking! It is horrendous! I need the exposure of that site but am unwilling to be grouped in with girls advertising, using vulgar photographs and even more vulgar, crassly worded ads! And even moreso... I have no interest, whatsoever, in seeing the kind of client who might be titillated by such ads!

As I look back over these first few paragraphs, I imagine myself reading this entry as someone who has never had any experience in the industry... someone who is under the impression that all prostitutes are the same... and I cringe at how 'up myself' I must seem... And yet, as someone who has worked in this industry, on and off, for quite some years now, I totally get it...

We are not all the same...

*sigh*

I need to stop stalling and I need to make a decision...

I have been existing in this will she/won't she (go back to work) limbo, for far too long now... and it has been slowly but surely eating away at me to the extent that I have finally reached a point where both financially and mentally, I really must make a choice... if for no other reason, than I will finally be able to escape this Limbo and deal with whichever reality prevails...

It is as I have always said... It is not the outcome that has the power to take a person down... it is existing in Limbo...

If a situation is resolved in the best way possible... that's a no brainer... it's great! If a situation is resolved in such a way that the worst possible outcome happens... you deal... But in Limbo, caught between the proverbial 'heaven' and 'hell', there is no resolution... no end to the constant internal bickering... no end to the anticipation (which is well known, more often than not, to be worse than the reality)... and no end to the dread... or to the frantic, desperate searching for 'another way' that that not-so-little 'what if' always brings with it...

Well... I choose not to exist in Limbo any longer...

I think... No, I know... that (short of a miracle) I choose to go back... or perhaps a better word for it would be 'return'... no, that doesn't quite cut it either... because I have changed since I was last in the industry... My motivations are different now... or maybe not so different... It is all very hard to explain...

I am not taking a step backward, so 'going back' doesn't really fit... and I am not returning to being the person I was when I was last working in the industry so 'returning' doesn't quite fit either... All I do know, is that having been out of the industry for these past three years has changed me in ways I can feel but perhaps, not quite find the words to express... yet

*deep breath*

Well... it looks like this is it...

Now I just need to find somewhere to advertise...

Stay tuned!

Scarlet x (the new 'Violet')

‘The ‘Glamour” – by Violet

The ‘Glamour’

Like a ‘Glamour’, I wear the face you see
The face you see that smiles as I greet you at the front door
That leads you down the candlelit hallway
To the room… To the bed…
To where it will happen…
To where you will get what you have come and paid for

Like a ‘Glamour’, I wear the face you see
The face that moves above you… as you move inside of me
My hot breath beside your ear
My soft kisses upon your lips
My long slender fingers gently caressing your cheek
As you taste me

Like a ‘Glamour’, I wear the face you see
The face in which the eyes are set…
The deep blue eyes that penetrate your soul
As you penetrate me… Over and over and over again…
The eyes that hide my unshed tears…
And the unspeakable pain inside

Like a ‘Glamour’, I wear the face you see
The face beautifully contorted above you in immaculately feigned ecstasy
As you moan…
Muscles tensing…
Trying to stop it from happening too soon…
Determined to make this one perfect moment last forever…

Like a ‘Glamour’, I wear the face you see
The face that smiles and the voice that purrs… as you cum…
Exalting with you in your triumph
As I swallow the urge to vomit
The truth of this transaction exploding inside of me
White hot… Tearing through me like twisted metal shrapnel

Like a ‘Glamour’, I wear the face you see
The face with the mouth that smiles and utters the soothing words your sudden silence demands
As I take on the blame instead… and absolve you of your guilt
Your guilt and self-disgust at having been with me…A whore
Your face relaxes in relief…
And I let you… believe

Like a ‘Glamour’, I wear the face you see
The face that told the lie… that created the fantasy… Your fantasy
I hand you your clothes and you dress
You try… but you cant look at me… At your shame
I pretend not to notice… instead, smiling as I lead you back out
Away from the bed… away from the room… back down the candlelit hallway… to the front door

Like a ‘Glamour’, I wear the face you see
The face with the satin-soft lips, that brush a kiss past your cheek, ‘Goodbye’
I watch as you turn away from me and walk out the door
I pretend not to hear your sigh of relief, as I hold back one of my own
Your hard-soled shoes cracking hard against the concrete as you disappear into the night
And then I am alone…

The ‘Glamour’ dissembles as I tear off my clothes
Frantic to escape all that you touched… even my skin
I run for the shower… I claw at myself… scrubbing
Hot water… soap… and my tears
Wash away your smell… your kisses… your touch
And the sickly sweet stench of the condom you wore

Then in the distance, the phone rings… Another
New fantasy… new outfit… new lingerie… new makeup
Calm and confident, I make my way back down the candlelit hallway
And as I look into the mirror… the unfamiliar face looking back at me, smiles…
I am ready… again… And I am gone… again…
And all that is left, as I open the door… is the ‘Glamour’

A 'Hooker' with a Heart?!

Fridays booking went well…

I was right, it was more about the sex than it was about B&D… He says he wants to see me again and is interested in trying some other B&D stuff and prostate massage… Again, it will be mostly about the sex… But its money and right now I need it… He seems nice enough so at least its not a booking I am totally dreading… Well, no more than I partially dread every booking anyway…

Tomorrow afternoon I have a proper B&D Session with a regular of mine… He is a cross-dresser, and as sweet as can be… We will be going for coffee first at West Lakes which will be good as it will help me relax into the idea of a full-on Session before I have to give it… My Sessions with him are rarely full-service oriented, so that makes it even easier for me too…

You know, so many people would be so suprised at the clientelle I have… This particular client is quite high up in the medical field… But you know what? He has never treated me as though I am below him or like anything less than an equal… If anything, he often treats me as though I am better than him (which I discourage)… I guess that his demeanour and the lack of full-service aspect to our sessions (even when he was seeing me when I worked as a straight full-service girl for an agency in town), has meant I have been able to allow myself to relate to him outside of work without having that whole ‘clashing of worlds’ thing happen… And in some ways, knowing that he knows who I am as a person, as opposed to just as a sex-worker or a Dominatrix, eases my mind a little too because I know that he appreciates who I am and why I do this instead of him just thinking I am some opportunistic bitch trying to take him for all I can…

I guess I don't really feel any guilt about seeing men for money because I never approach them… They are always the ones who come and find me… And I am always honest with them… I remember I had a client once who was bipolar and who would always book me (when I worked for the agency in the city) for four hours at a time, and would want to extend even further… He even asked me to marry him… But I never lied to him… Right from the start I was honest with him about how I could never be more than his escort… And I even tried to encourage him to book for shorter times and less often because we both knew he couldnt afford it and that it was, in part, the bipolar that was the reason he would spend so much money, especially on sex-workers…

Dont get me wrong, I needed whatever money I could make at the time, but I never once compromised where it came to being honest with him… The other girls thought I was nuts… They told me I was onto a good thing and that if he was addicted to sex and spending money who cared, I should take him for as much as I could and I should encourage him to book me more often and for longer… Afterall, they reasoned, his creditcard debt (which was how he paid for my services), wasnt my problem… He was a grown up and more than capable of making his own decisions… Besides, if it wasnt me, it would only be another working girl anyway…

But that just wasnt the way I saw things… I knew he had a mental illness that impaired his judgement… Hell, I am bipolar, so I understand what certain aspects of it can be like… I just didnt think it was fair to take advantage of him… Other clients who choose to spend money like water where it comes to working girls are different… Those that can make the choice rationally, I dont challenge… But again, I have, and will, never lead any of them on and allow them to believe I could ever fall in love with them or have a relationship with them… Its just not right… And I find the girls who do work that way disgusting…

My regular that I am seeing tomorrow is different… He chooses to book Sessions with me on a regular basis and he is getting what he wants out of them… He is paying for a service and he is recieving that service… Outside of that we are friends of a sort… I think he would like to think that we are close friends… And in some ways we are… I have been very open and honest about who I am… But I dont fool myself… I know that there is a lot I dont know about him and his life… And I know that he only lets the pieces of him out that he thinks I will find acceptable… Sadly he doesnt seem to realise that he could be completely honest with me and it wouldnt make a difference to our friendship…

I guess that in part, he is hiding parts of himself from me because he likes me as more than a friend even though I have been clear about what I can and cannot give him… And I know he understands this and doesnt try for more… But I think that it does keep him from being completely honest with me because of that bit extra that he feels for me… I think it makes him care, just a little too much, what I think of him… As time goes by though, he is beginning to relax more and more, so sooner or later, even his feelings wont stand in the way of that honesty… And then I will be able to consider him a close friend too…

Violet x

An Easy Session

In two days time I have a very ‘soft’ B&D full-service booking…

In reality, I suspect my client is seeking more of a kinky sex experience than a true B&D session, but I think I might throw in a few naughty little suprises anyway… Becuase its going to be such a soft session and because I also suspected he didnt have enough money for what a proper B&D full-service session would cost, I dropped $100 off and charged it as a one hour full-service, with a B&D teaser extra…

At least it will be an easy session… And an hour seems to go pretty fast, where sessions are concerned, these days… The timing couldnt be better… I needed a little extra cash for this weekend… And with any luck, one of my regulars will book me late Friday afternoon aswell…

Violet x

An Offer

Recently, not for the first time, a regular client I have been seeing since my second shift in the industry, made me an offer…

He has offered to set me up in a townhouse in North Adelaide…

When he last made the offer, I didnt believe I was in a position to even consider it… I turned him down… But now my whole life is different… Now I am single, with absolutely no reason to turn him down except for maybe some of the strings that are possibly attached to that offer… My only considerations (beside those ‘strings’) are my daughters, who stay with me one weekend a fortnight… And Im sure that whatever ‘strings’ were attached the rest of the time, there would be absolutely no problem having a whole weekend a fortnight free so that they were completely uninvolved in anything but blissful time spent with their mother… Alone…

The question is: What is this going to cost me personally?

What are the strings going to be specifically? Is that something I can handle? Is it something that is going to cost me more than I have to give? Will my conscience allow me to go through with such an arrangement (being that I dont know what the ‘strings’ will be just yet)?

And the most frightening question of all: Could this be the answer I have been looking for? Or not so much the answer, as a temporary answer…

I just dont know right now…

But… There is something I would need to make sure it didnt threaten or effect… And that is what I have with ******… Because right now that is the only thing in my life that is uncomplicated, honest, and just plain good…

So where do I go from here? Do I dare ask this person for more details? Do I get his hopes up like that, only to hurt him by refusing when I work out (probably very quickly) that the price is just too high for me? Do I put my own hopes and ambitions first and broach this subject even though the chances it will work are so slim?

I so wish ****** was here right now… He is so logical… So intellegent… He can see the ‘Big Picture’ in ways I havent yet learnt to… *sigh*… Maybe thats my answer… Maybe I should wait until Ive had the chance to talk to him about this as an idea first… Before I take the risk of giving this particular client more hope than what really exists…

A part of me is so desperate for something huge to change in my life right now, that I am tempted (but would never do it), to say ‘To hell with how this guy feels! He has put his own agenda with me before what was right many times already… I dont owe him anything!’ But already I know that just isnt going to happen… I have a conscience… But even more than that, I have a heart… *even deeper sigh*… Maybe that is my answer… At least until I can find a way in which to broach the subject that wont potentially hurt him…

Violet x

Valentine’s Day

Another accursed Valentines Day is over and done with at last…

Today I had more calls on my work phone in twelve hours than I have had in the last three weeks! Seriously, what is up with that?!

I know… I know… People who are not in a relationship get extra lonely on a day where everyone is supposed to be celebrating being blissfully in love… Well what I want to know is what kind of saddistic arsehole dreamed this stupid day up?! Seriously, if statistics suggest that at least 2 out of every 3 marriages ends in divorce (and those statistics would have to be over ten years old anyway), then you would expect that relationships which hadnt been formalised in marriage, would have to have similar or worse statistics wouldnt you? And if this is the case, then who the hell could imagine that a day spent celebrating supposedly blissful relationships could be a good idea?! Well, as I said, with the exception of some saddistic arsehole… Or the greeting card companies (and other assorted retailers)…

Answering those calls today, I just felt plain sad for the guys on the other end… Not that I exactly had any Valentines Day plans myself… In fact I threw the man I loved (and stupidly, a part of me still loves him), out of my house two weeks ago to the day today (well, its technically Sunday the 15th now, but close enough)… So while there are other people (no, not just men), interested in a relationship with me, I can honestly say that there is no-one I am interested in persuing a relationship with, myself… And of course that means I didnt celebrate this accursed day either…

Im annoyed that I had to turn so many jobs down today (because I have my daughters this weekend), as I really needed the money… But to be honest, no amount of money is worth giving up one precious second with them… Add precious time with my daughters to precious time with my sister, her children, our best friend and her daughter, and I guess my Valentines Day wasnt a total wash… On a romantic level it completely sucked! But as far as days go (especially if you conveniently edit out the excruciating pain experienced at the hands of my ex), it wasnt so bad… It was even a pretty exceptional day (well, the family bit was anyway)…

So to those of you out there who think that Valentines Day is about the suckiest day of the year, know that I hear you! And to those of you who had one of the most amazing days of your lives? Well, enjoy it while it lasts… True happiness and joy are so rare… Love with abandon… Stop at nothing to fight to keep that precious love alive, healthy, and strong… And… Never go to bed or part, angry… Always make sure the last words out of your mouth. to the ones you love, are: I LOVE YOU!

I hope your Valentines Day was better than mine…

Violet X

A ‘John’ Named John

It has been almost three weeks since I did my last job…

It has been almost two weeks since P**** and I broke up (although the way he talks to me and sms’s me, Im not quite sure what is going on)… It will be another four weeks until J***** is back in town… And it is just under one week until I need to have found a minimum of $200 toward bills…

Tonight I finally got another job…

It was straight full-service (yuck!) but that wasnt so bad, as I didnt get the job until almost midnight and by the time I got ready and found my way into the city, it was almost 1:30am, meaning I wasnt going to finish until 2:30am, then home by 3am, and finally showered and in bed writing this by 3:30am… So while the anxiety of doing the job had me more than awake, I was, in part, relieved that it was a bit of a no-brainer job… Besides, he had been drinking most of the night so I had enough trouble keeping him focussed and hard (which Im quite proud I managed to do quite well, and I managed to get him to cum which suprised the hell out of him)… So I guess the job wasnt really so bad afterall…

His name was John… He was from Melbourne… He does some sort of work in an office over there but didnt really specify what kind of work… He only said he was here for a conference… But he was staying in the executive suites, up on th fifteenth floor at one of the most expensive hotels in the city, so Im assuming he is in some position of responsibility… The thing that really struck me though, was that he must have had one of the strangest figures I have ever seen… He had a rather large tummy and very pronounced chest area that almost looked feminine, but it was all rock hard, almost toned even though it wasnt… It kept me fascinated for most of the hour, and I have to admit to being relieved to have something other than what I was there to do, to keep my mind occupied…

Something else that was strange was that even though the sex was a long way short of anything earth-shattering for me, I felt the beginnings of an orgasm building at one point… For a moment, I was undecided… I didnt know whether I wanted to cum or not… In the end, I decided not… Im glad I didnt cum… I wasnt ready… Im still not ready… Its too intimate and I just havent constructed safe, stable boundaries to protect me yet…

To be honest, I dont know how I feel or what Im thinking most of the time lately… 

Breaking up with Peter has really got me yo-yo-ing all over the place… One minute I feel like the whole world is ending and then the next minute, I feel un-naturally ok, and like almost nothing can touch me… So to have had an orgasm with a client while Im in such a state of emotional upheaval would have been a very dangerous move indeed… I guess it doesnt matter though because I made the right choice… Well,the right choice for me anyway…

You know, something that really got to me was that this guy had hair that reminded me of  Warwick Capper (god that guy is grosse!)… It was long and dyed to look sunstreaked blonde… I had to keep distracting myself from looking at it as every time I looked at it, my stomach started churning and I had to be very careful I didnt start gagging…Wierd huh?  I mean considering I was providing a sexual service and was almost completely uneffected by that side of things, yet the appearance of his hair of all things made me gag… Stranger things have happened I guess…

As a person though, he was sweet… He was gentle… He was clean… He was respectful…

He told me I was sexy… And he seemed to love the way I did things, the ideas I put in his head and the way I gave head (god, that sounded crass)… Sex happened, but was pretty pointless as he had drunk so much that night that he needed much more intense stimulation (and something out of the ordinary) to stay hard… In the end, I finished him off with some ‘Spanish’… Not my favourite activity, but it was successful, it got the job done, and its over now, so meh… And lets face it, Ive just paid another bill, so Im not complaining… Especially if he actually does call me out to see him again  while he is still in Adelaide… And even moreso if he calls me back each night for the next four nights the way he said he would… Im not holding my breath waiting though, because, like I said, he had been drinking most of the night… *shrugs*… Time will tell…

Anyway, the sun will be coming up soon and I havent had any sleep yet, so Im outta here… More soon I guess…

Violet X

Jeremy – A Very Special Friend

Someone I believe is very special has come into my life via work of all things…

No, I havent fallen in love with a client… We do however, share a connection that I cannot see being severed any time soon… At least not by me anyway…

Most recently, he flew me to Brisbane where we got a room at the Astor (which is where I always stay when I am in Brisbane) for two days… We laughed… We talked… We played… We explored… And to be honest, he taught, or has begun to teach me things about my own body that I had given up hope of learning…

I really like him… He is genuine… He is playful… And you know what? He likes me too…

I guess in this industry you never really know who you can trust… But I do trust him… And I believe he trusts me too…

So much of my life has been so sad… But J***** is truly my ‘happy place’ right now… And to be honest, the last time he felt like a client was on our first booking… But by the end of that booking, and even earlier than that, I just knew there was something different and special about him… Something I wanted to spill over into my real life… I wanted him as my friend… And so far, that seems to be the way we are headed…

You know what? I can honestly say that I miss him… I especially miss the sound of his voice… His honest laughter… And the way his smile lights up his whole face… I guess that sounds a little sappy for someone who claims they arent ‘in love’… But the simple fact is that happiness, laughter, cofidence and the simplicity of unconvoluted truth dont seem to exist in my life outside of my friendship with him… Everything is complicated and connected to so many other complications… And most of it is just plain sad…

It feels so good to be able to simply please someone… For my presence to be what makes another person smile, just because Im me, means so much to me… The time I had with him in Brisbane reminded me that Im not the cause of everything sad in other peoples lives… That Im worth something, first and foremost, as a person… Such precious, priceless lessons… And there were other things too…

But liking him isnt all about how he makes me feel about me… Its about who he is as a person too… I want to spend time with him…

*Sigh*… What a strange world it is… And I am so grateful for that!

Violet X

Grant

Last night I did a booking with a client I had seen once before…

The money was good, but I more than earned it… I gave him a very intimate ‘girlfriend-like’ service… He was appreciative, just like last time… But the wierdest thing I found out was how he found me in the first place… Apparently a friend of his had seen me before and had been more than a little impressed, so he had recommended me to Grant… (Who went on to say that his friend had been right and that he hadnt even hesitated before booking me again the second he came back to Adelaide again)… So I guess I really must be doing a good job… Especially as these clients are paying top dollar for me…

Grant is a businessman of some sort and his work takes him interstate and overseas on a regular basis… I know that he is in his early to mid 40′s and that he enjoys being tied up and ‘teased’… He also loves it when I ‘talk dirty’ to him, especially when I tell him stories of my life as a 24/7 submissive to my Master/partner…

You know I thought I would have more to say about last nights booking, but Ive realised I really dont…

One thing I have really begun to enjoy is walking into the hotels I am seeing my clients at, all dressed up in stilettos and high-fetish-wear, hidden underneath my long blue suit-jacket, almost daring hotel staff to recognise why I am there and to challenge me as I head straight for the elevator… And then coming back downstairs afterward, everything re-hidden underneath my jacket, and watching the looks from other hotel guests as they wonder who I am and if they would have a chance with me… If I am feeling particularly wicked I look them in the eye with a satisfied, knowing smile… Watching the confusion and indecision on their faces as they grapple with whether or not to open their mouths and speak to me is delicious… In that one moment, I feel so powerful… And with the almost $400 I have in my bag from the booking I have just done, that feeling of power only increases and feels all the more delicious…

Its just too bad I cant always hold onto that feeling…

There really is a part of me that loves the power of having a client want me and the service I provide so badly that they are willing to pay top dollar for me… And to even have me keep coming back over and over and over again… And the respect that is inspired by not only my physical sexual talent, but especially for my talent where it comes to really getting into their minds and exceeding even their most private fantasies, well, its exhilarating! I know I have carved out a real niche` market for myself here… And I am intensely proud of what I have achieved…

The downside comes when I am at home alone and memories of clients who have been anything but wonderful come back and haunt me… Clients from my agency days when I was just starting out… Bookings where I really did feel cheap and nasty and worthless… 

Sometimes, after a client has cum, I can see such a huge change in his eyes and in the way he treats me… Its such a far cry from the wanted, desireable goddess he treated me like when I first walked in the door… Sometimes I see guilt in their eyes, as realisation of what they have just done hits them… If I am really unlucky, that guilt is something they blame me for, sometimes out loud, sometimes just in the growing disgust I see in their eyes… I know that it was their choice and that I didnt chase them for the booking… And I believe that they know it too… But I guess its just easier for them to rationalise if they deflect, and project that guilt and blame onto me making me the focus of it all…

I suppose its part of my job… But that doesnt make it easy… Not when I have forgotten to prepare myself for that part of their ‘fantasy’… You know I dont even think that many clients realise that the fantasy they are paying me for isnt just some form of kinky sex… I dont think they realise that me allowing them to rationalise what they have just done, by blaming me, without me challenging that lie, is probably the most important part of the fantasy… Well, that and me walking into the room and never failing to make them believe that I find them intensely desireable, no matter what I find on the other side of that door…

When I talk to others about my life as a high-class escort/dominatrix, I find all of these stories about how much fun it all is, just fallingout of my mouth… And somewhere deep inside I can hear a small voice screaming, ‘TELL THE TRUTH‘!’… And the strangest thing is that a part of me really does have fun with bookings… The power… The control… The respect… The mindgames… The money… And the choices and control over my life that money gives me… Sometimes even the sex… But on another level, I feel trapped… I am screaming… I am so afraid… I want to run… And I want to vomit… So I suppose both stories are the truth… It can be so much fun… Yet at the same time it can be like not beig able to wake up out of your worst nightmare…

Violet x

David – The Banger

Tonight I did a job…

It was nothing like I expected it to be… At first I was nervous because I wanted the client to like me, which personality-wise, really isnt something I worry about… I seem to be able to read my clients well enough to be able to pretty quickly zero in on where their interests lay… It was my weight I was worried about… I had been honest with him over the phone and I had told him that I was a curvy girl, but you really never quite know what reaction you are going to get or what the clients idea of ‘curvy’ is… So it was a lovely suprise to be greeted with a look of pure hunger and pleasure…

At first I toyed with him a bit… I teased him… Blindfolded him… Then teased him some more… It began simply enough, and to be honest, I thought I was going to be able to cruise through the booking… That was until I saw the girth of his cock… It was huge… And I remembered, with trepidation, that he had said over the phone that he loved having his cock sucked, and had specified that he loved deep throat… Looking at it, I wondered if I was going to have to somehow dislocate my jaw! God, was I grateful I had said ‘No’ to allowing him to have anal sex with me (I always say ‘No’)… In the end, I just took a deep breath and went to work on his cock… (After I had put a condom on it of course!)…

I must admit to wondering what it would feel like to have such a thick cock inside of me… But again, it was nothing like I expected…

After having given my jaw a nasty workout, I changed the condom, applied lubricant, lay on my back (as requested) and allowed him inside of me… And nothing… I couldnt believe it… I felt nothing… Well, nothing isnt quite accurate… I mean of course I felt him inside of me… He was damned near splitting me open… But I didnt feel the rush I had expected to feel at having such a thick cock inside of me… It was so thick and smooth that it just felt like an uncomfortably large toy pounding into me… I didnt enjoy it at all… At one point, I asked him if any other woman he had been with had been brave enough to offer him deeper penetration by ‘foldng herself in half’ for him… When his eyes lit up at the idea, I hooked my legs over his shoulders and then folded myself in half so that my thighs were laying flat against my own chest and shoulders… At which point, I dared him to fuck me as hard as he could…

Now, usually that position, and the challenge to fuck me as hard as humanly possible, yields some pretty predictable results… The client gets all excited at the thought of not just being given permission to ‘go for it’, but challenged to give it to me harder than any other man, and that mixed with the increased physical pleasure of the deeper penetration, is almost guarenteed to make them cum for me on the spot, and if not on the spot, certainly within a couple of minutes… Especially when I have been filling their heads with all kinds of hot, erotic ideas and visuals (one of my favourites is to tell them I arrived late because I hadnt been able to resist masturbating in the shower to the thought of being about to experience a new cock, their cock, inside of me… Sadly, complete bullshit, but it boosts their confidence, makes them horny as hell, and it makes them feel desired even though they know Im fucking them for the money, soreally, wheres the harm?)…

So anyway, even with one of my better, more concerted efforts at oral, a myriad of sexual scenarios I had made sure were running through his mind, and my killer ’never-fail’ position, he was still nowhere near cumming… Usually I would have taken my time more before employing such tactics but this client had told me that he planned to cum twice in this session (which was fine by me because we had negotiated it beforehand). and we were already 20 minutes into the hour… If I didnt make him cum soon we would run out of time for the second cum… If the first cum isnt out of the way in the first ten to fifteen minutes, a second one becomes more and more unlikely as time passes… The client doesnt get enough time to recover… And by the time he does begin to recover, he sees how little time is left and the pressure can make a second erection impossible, let alone a second cum… Add that to his cock being a little less sensitive because he has already cum once and you can see why I was beginning to panic…

In desperation I suggested a change of position… He chose the ‘from-behind-over-the-edge-of-the-bed’ position… That was fine by me so I bent over, as requested and allowed him to utlize what he said was his favourite position (because he said this way he could watch his cock going in and out of me)… Ten minutes, a whole lot of panting and porn-star-like moaning (half to disguise the almost too painful discomfort, half in the hope he would get off to the sound of me supposedly getting off (but tastefully not over-acted of course)), and I was beginning to wonder if this ordeal was ever going to end, let alone how I would survive trying to make him cum again! I gritted my teeth and panted, moaned, and pushed myself back on his cock as he thrusted into me, for what seemed like another eternity, but was, in actual fact probably only another five to ten minutes… And then finally he came!

Thank christ! And thank christ he fell on the bed in a heap, completely exhausted! There was no way in hell he was going to even have the strength to get hard again, let alone cum again, so I was able to relax a little… I felt un-nerved that we were still only just past the halfway mark of our booking though, so I offered him a massage (which he declined), and I asked him if there was anything else he would like me to do to him or for him (you would be suprised at some of the strange things clients sometimes want you to do for them)… But he didnt come up with anything, so we lay there, each looking up at the ceiling, swallowing large gulps of cold water from the water bottles he retrieved from the mini-bar in the room… You know, when he offered me the water, I had thought about declining his offer and simply getting myself a glass of water from the bathroom… But then I figured, I didnt ask for the expensive water from the mini-bar, he had offered it, so why not just say thankyou, accept it and enjoy it?

Talking to him after the sex part of the booking was over made me almost wish we were still fucking instead (please excuse the term)… He was so arrogant and such a know-it-all… I had to supress the desire to grab him and shake some sense into him… But I managed to keep the conversation going long enough to get through the rest of the booking… Then I showered and re-dressed, thanked him for such a fun time (more bullshit), and I left…

I was so relieved to be out of there because, God did I feel achy and bruised and sore…

It strikes me as strange that a client who wasnt a clock watcher, who gave me a $30 tip (on top of my quite decent rates), a bottle of water, and who was more than happy with my less than perfect figure, could be such a bore of a man to talk to… He says he is going to book me again when he comes over from Perth again next time and that he would like me to wear my nurses outfit for him… *sigh*… I guess it takes all sorts to make up this wacky world of ours doesn't it?

Violet x

Playing the ‘Player’ and Beating Him at His Own Game

Well, right now it is looking like my ‘An interesting afternoon’ (see last entry), was just a player afterall…

Over and over and over again, I have made it clear that I do not have sex with anyone outside of my relationship, unless it is a business transaction… Does he listen and stop trying to pressure me into having sex with him? Of course not… I honestly think that what he is really after, is not my friendship, but free sex from a sex-worker… At least that is the message I am getting from his non-stop pestering…

So why dont I just ignore him or tell him to leave me completely alone? Honestly? I havent done either of those things because I am using his bad behaviour to help me to acquire some new skills… I am learning to become more assertive and to say ‘No’ when I need to… Not subtly or by manipulating him into believing that not wanting sex with me anymore was his idea… No… I am learning to say ‘No’ in a very obvious way and I am learning to stick by my decision no matter how much pressure he tries to put me under or no matter how many times he simply ignores the answers he doesnt want to hear… I am learning to say ‘No’ in a completely transparent way…

I am so proud of myself…

This is not something I have ever really been able to do before… But I am also proud of myself because I am successfully turning the game around on him… He thinks he is going to be able to use me, and so I have absolutely no guilt over using him (via his bad behaviour), to learn some lessons I desperately need to master so that I am safer, and can begin to live in even just a little less fear…

I know it sounds funny; a Dominatrix who cant say ‘No’… But while I really do have a true dominant streak inside of me, I am primarily submissive, and often, the Dominatrix role is one I ’step into’ when I go into Session with a client… Who I really am… Or more appropriately, who I am outside of my Sessions, is a very soft hearted, and on some levels, dysfunctional and child-like person who has a lot of trouble protecting herself, especially where it comes to predatory men… I can see them coming a mile away… I just dont seem to have been able to react in those situations, so far, the way I wish I could…

Playing the game I find myself currently playing with this person is vey hard… And to be honest, its very dangerous too, because all I have to do is slip back, even for a moment, into that obedient child-like persona, and I will find myself falling victim to this horrid, predatory male, just like all of the other times with all of the other men… So yes, I am extremely proud of myself… And each time I stand my ground or tell him off, I feel just a little bit stronger and more able to look after myself…

Maybe there really is hope for me, on this one at least, afterall…

Violet x

An Interesting Afternoon

Well today has been a perfect example of how work and my personal life often overlap…

This afternoon, I have spent a substantial amount of time texting and eventually speaking over the phone with, a potential client who may never actually end up being a client… No, I havent been sucked into prolonged but pointless communications which end up leading nowhere… I actually made aconscious decision to spend the time speaking with someone I find interesting…

I dont know that he will ever become a client… I dont even know whether or not I really want him to become a client… I honestly dont know that I am willing to give him what he is looking for… I believe he is looking for a long-term B&D relationship, with emphasis on the word ‘relationship’… That is not something I am offering… I already have a relationship… Besides, if I gave every client what they wanted from me (as far as a personal relationship), I would be completely burnt out… Not to mention, I would be in about a dozen or more relationships I really didnt want to be in, at any given moment… 

No, I know where I belong… And that is with the man I am in love with… Im not sure where the interesting conversation I had this afternoon will lead… I will not be initiating anything, but should he decide to persue it, I am potentially in the market for a new friendship… Im not sure yet… But from our conversation earlier this afternoon, it is possible that this man ‘gets’ life on a deeper level than most… And until more recently, people like that… People like myself and my partner… Well, they have been few and far between…

When Sometimes What a Client Leaves Behind is Worse Than the Client Could Ever Have Been

I had my first booking in months today with someone new…

A combination of reasons have lead to this being the case… And although I have seen a regular of mine a couple of times in these past couple of months, it is a far cry from surviving in what feels like the real world of prostitution… Yes, there you go, I said it… Prostitution… I guess one of the reasons tonight has hit me so hard is because I very rarely get sexual with the regular I have been seeing… His kinks seem to lay in other directions…

Tonight's Session was really very successful… The client was more than ‘blown away’, if you will please excuse the horrible pun… And furthermore, has made it clear to me that he wants to make tonight a regular occurance… And being that money is apparently no object, I guess there is every reason to take his word for it… And to be honest, the client wasn't really the problem… He was clean.. He was respectful… I would even go as far as to say that he wasnt unattractive (not that he was what I look for in a man… He was a little young and slim for my taste)… But let's face it, its a job, not a search for ‘Mr Right’, so like I said, he really wasnt a problem…

The problem was that it has been so long since I've worked for an agency (where you quickly get used to the smell of aftershave, stale smoke, alcohol and the latex and whatever else constitutes the scent of a condom these days), and so I was shocked and completely unprepared for the reaction I had to the smell of his aftershave and the latex… It was like no matter what I did I couldnt escape the scent of it and the taste of it (yes, of course I could taste the latex, I DONT do natural french! Hellooooo!)… I felt sick to my stomach… All I could think of was running for the shower… The ride home in the car seemed to take forever…

So thats what I did… The second I got in the door, I dropped everything on the floor in the hallway and I ran for the shower… The problem was that even after a shower so hot I almost scalded my skin… and after using strongly scented soaps and shampoo... and after having cleaned my teeth… I could still smell and taste him (well, the aftershave and the latex anyway)… I felt so frantic… I felt like screaming… And inside of my head it was like watching a movie where all the scenes were fragmented flashbacks of every client I have ever had and of every thought and feeling I have ever had about what I do… I dont know how, but somehow I kept most of it inside…

Peter did what He could to help me get my head straight again and to get rid of any residual smell or taste for me, but nothing seemed to work… And then he got mad at me which just made everything so much worse… :’(

In the end, I went for a second shower and washed in iodine… What a fatal error that was… As soon as the iodine hit the hot water I fell apart… The scent of the iodine and the hot water brought flashbacks of showering at home alone after the abortion (and ironically I recieved a spam email from the father today even though I never get emails of any kind from him anymore)… So basically everything went to hell inside of my head after that… But at least the iodine got rid of any residual anything…

I eventually managed to get my head together… Alone… And then Peter and I went to bed and made love… I think that when I came, I came so hard, not just because it felt good mechanically, but also because I somehow appreciated Him being the One I wanted to be with, so much more…

So yeah… That was my night… Its been a long time since I have freaked out quite so badly or because of something that has happened after a booking…

Hopefully I will get some more easy bookings, (because in truth, this booking was pretty easy as far as bookings go), only next time I am going to remember to tell whomever it is not to wear anything scented! God! I had forgotten about that little detail… But, oh what a difference it made!

Violet x

Boundaries

God I need to work right now…

It has been good to have had so much time off (with the exception of a regular client who I have seen once or twice since I last worked properly)… But the temporary influx of money has now run out… Besides which, being monogamous while He goes out and does jobs and sees other women for free as well is killing me… So no matter how fragile the lie I tell myself is (that His behaviour hurts less when I am working), its still a lie I somehow manage to hold onto and somehow it really does help, even if it is only a little…

Pathetic really isnt it?

I dont know why I cant sleep tonight… I just cant… And I feel really anxious too… For about a nano-second I toyed with the thought that it would have been good to be on the nightshift at some agency tonight… But reality is that while I am finding it impossble to sleep, I am way too tired to be dealing with clients… Im actually pretty exhausted… I just cant seem to switch my brain off… And unfotunately, that leaves me in a state of semi-consciousness and prone to becoming disoriented without warning… Not to mention it makes it close to impossible to maintain ‘Violet’ and to keep my real self safely locked away…

***** broached the idea of getting work up north for a company a friend of ours works for… It would mean He was on for two weeks and then off for two weeks… The money is supposed to be really good, but to be honest, thats not any kind of factor for me because whether He has 5 cents to His name or 5 million dollars, its still His money and not mine… He also talked about the stability of the job and the income meaning He could buy a house… The whole idea scares me… I dont like any part of it… Not the time away… Not the distance… Not the mortgage…. Not living in His house, having to survive Him at some point putting His foot down and having skanks back there in OUR sacred place, instead of Him living here with me in my house where I can protect myself from all of that… Not the skanks He would be spending all of His time with and sharing His bed with while He was away… Not the having to still share Him with skanks during the precious little time He actually was here with me… And the list goes on and on and on…

Surfice it to say, I don't want this job to happen…

And you know, even beyond all of the things I have listed already, there are more serious safety issues for me… I can guarentee you that it wouldnt be long before the sexual assaults I used to survive on a regular basis would start happening again simply because I just dont seem to be able to get past the lifetime of training I have had which prohibits me from sucesfully extricating myself from those situations… It sounds increadibly stupid, I know, but it is what it is I guess… Whereas when we are together the opportunity for these predators to gain access to me just doesnt exist… Well almost anyway… Then there are the mental health issues… And how can you have a real relationship with someone when you are more afraid than ever of time running out… How do you relate honestly? How do you feel safe fighting (which is a part of every relationship from time to time no matter how well you both get on), when you might not have enough time to make up again before its time to say ‘Goodbye’ again? 

There are just so many reasons… And that is possibly what is keeping me up right now, but its more than that too… Either way, this is all really far too personal to be discussing in this journal… Then again, I suppose its a perfect example of why I am not working tonight, and wouldnt be even if I did have somewhere I wanted to work from… I just cant seem to keep my boundaries in place even on here tonight…

Oh and speaking of boundaries… I am very angry… There is a client of mine who is not just pushing the boundaries, he is stomping all over them! Its gotten to the point where even when he is not paying for my services, there are ceretain very intmate and very personal liberties he is taking… And Im sorry, but bringing me thoughtful (although often unwanted) gifts really doesnt make you my realboyfriend or my real anything for that matter… And it not only makes me sick to my stomach, it makes me furious! Now while he may not see that fury, be assured, it is affecting our friendship and it will also begin to effect our paid sessions if it doesnt stop now… There are a lot of things I allow in my sessions with him that I dont allow any other client to do… And he knows it… So it makes me even more furious that he is taking such huge liberties…

There is another male in my life (although only just at the moment) who is also playing games with me… Initially, our first contact was over the phone when he called to book me for a session… He had seen my advertisement online and called me using the details I had left there… So he knew what I did and he knew I did it for money, not for free… So anyway, before long, he is sending me text messages on and off all of the time and asking me personal questions… At first I ignored everything with the exception of anything work related… Then one day he said somehing really interesting so I figured I would give him a chance to prove himself as a real person whom I might consider allowing into my real life… Well, to cut a long story short, he keeps spouting all of this bullshit about wanting to be my friend, yet the only text messages I get from him now are sex related… We still havent sat down and watched a movie together period, let alone spent time together without his sexual agenda getting in the way… So again, I feel sick to my stomach and absolutely furious!

He is just some arsehole trying to get free sex from someone who sells it for a living… He has always said to me that he loves a challenge… The part that gets me is that he keeps spouting all this bullshit about believing I am soooo intellegent etc etc etc, blah, blah, blah… Yet he expects me to swallow this rubbish about friendship and to sleep with him and for me not to have seen through it! What a joke! He knows I dont have sex with anyone but *****, (who is my partner), for free… If Im having sex outside of my relationship, its a business transaction!

I keep wanting to confront him regarding his bad behaviour and his pathetic attempts to get me into bed for free, but the time just hasnt been quite right and Im not sure exactly what I want to say just yet… But seriouly, how fucking stupid must this arsehole think I am?! Geez… Enough already!

Violet x

Back to Work

I am working for the first time in a long time tomorrow…

I have a straight full-service booking and a one hour domination session… I am nervous… I really hope that I will be able to step out of my real life and into the fantasy role my clients want, without getting caught in limbo…

In addition to the two bookings I know I am going to have to do, there is a possibility of a double booking, and ***** has a booking too… I never find it easy when He has bookings… But at least while He is doing that, I will be at a nearby shopping mall… Far enough away to hopefully be able to deal with it before I go back and do my second booking…

You know its so weird… In so many ways I am all wrong for this profession… It tears me apart inside… Yet, ironically, I am so good at it… I seem to be able to create fantasies for my clients that are so ellaborate they forget the real world while they are with me… Sometimes, even I forget what is real and what is not… For, that I guess I am thankful…

I think the thing I fear happening the most is being stuck in the headspace of being who I am in my real life while I am with a client… Doing a booking then just makes me want to scream and tear my skin off… Inside I scream out *****’s name and I try to block out what I am doing by remembering what it is like to have Him touching me and making love to me instead… I make my body go numb and I block out my clients face and voice as much as I can…

It takes a long time to recover from sessions where I get stuck like that…

I guess thats why I enjoy BDSM bookings so much more than straight full-service bookings… In BDSM bookings I am in control… I can do anything I like to make them disappear… I can blindfold them… I can order them to be silent… I can control what they get from me sexually and when and how… But even more than that, to be a Dominatrix, I must step into that role, which means that there is almost no way possible for me to get stuck in the session still being me…

Having said that though, sometimes straight full-service can be the easier option of the two… Especially if a client only books for a half an hour or less… Clients booking short sessions are only ever usually interested in getting off as fast and as efficiently as possible… I have even had sessions where the client never once looked me in the eyes, he simply stripped off, lay on the bed, got what he came for, dressed and left… Was he cold and rude? Yes… Did I care? Not really… True, it can make you feel like a cheap empty-out… And sometimes that feeling can be devestating… But there is an upside… Its so mechanical and cold that having had sex with them barely registers internally…

*Sigh*…

I guess that in the end, no matter which kind of session I do, there are pros and cons… I just have to get my head around working again…

The biggest thing that scares me about tomorrow is that the guy I am seeing for a BDSM session has really become attached even before we have ever met… He has his own girlfriend and all of that, so that is at least some pressure off… But he has expressed, on more than one occassion, a huge amount of admiration for who I am and for how I think… Its scary… In some ways I wish he was just like most of the others who are only really interested in ‘getting off’… I am also scared that my straight full-service client is going to be horrible to me because I dont look like a supermodel…

*Sigh*… I wish tomorrow was over already…

Violet x

Self-destructing

Tonight I wish I was working…

I hate feeling so helpless and alone like this… Not only are my cash reserves low (because I haven't been working much), but the drive to self-destruct is on over-drive tonight and what better way to do it and have something to show for it (cash) than to dive headlong into work?

God I want to hurt myself right now!

This is pointless…

Vx

Wishing the World Were a Different Place

As a working girl I find I view the world very differently to the way I saw it before all of this…

Walking through a shopping mall, I look at the people around me and none of them seem quite as human as they used to… Especially the men… I look at them and begin to read them at a glance… I rate not only the possible danger factor of being alone in a room with them, but their probable kinks and fantasies, what kind of relationship they are in, and the liklihood of seeing them as walk-ins where I work…

Sometimes I see couples and it makes me sad because they seem so niave`ly happy… I have seen clients from so many different walks of life and who have been in so many types of relationships that I just dont know that I can believe in a relationship where both partners are faithful anymore… Even my own marriage (I am divorced now) wasn't immune, no matter how sexually available I made myself or how much I tried to be everything my ex-husband professed to want me to be… In the end he was having sex with my best friend even when I was pregnant with our second daughter, he propositioned my youngest sister, and I know of at least two or more women he was having sex with as our marriage was breaking down… And thats just the betrayals I know about…

Working in the sex industry has really shown me just how little most men value the women they claim to be so very much in love with…

Having said that though, I must say that if I had to endure my partner's sexual infidelity, I would much rather it was a paid business transaction than an emotional affair… But for me, neither is acceptable…

*Sigh*…

There are so many times that I truly wish the world was a different place…

More soon…

Vx

‘Nothing Left (Violet’s Tears)’ – by Violet

Nothing Left (Violet’s Tears)…

Well you walk in the room
Throwing money on the bed
Looking at me like
You bought my soul
Lust in your eyes
Fantasy in your head
If Im not careful
You’ll swallow me whole

Well I cant hurt anymore
I cant cry anymore
I cant hurt anymore
Theres nothing left

You take off all your clothes
And I do the same
Leering at me, you
Smirk in disgust
Dying inside
I blink back tears of shame
Force a smile
And do what I must

Well I cant hurt anymore
I cant cry anymore
I cant hurt anymore
Theres nothing left

Well, your touch burns like fire
I try to disappear
But I am trapped here
Until you are done
I look in your eyes
Then I swallow my fear
I pretend for you
You are ‘The One’

Well I cant hurt anymore
I cant cry anymore
I cant hurt anymore
Theres nothing left

To you, Im just a whore
Nothing less and nothing more
You are done with me now
So you go
That lust in your eyes
All gone now youre spent
Im nothing special
And you make sure I know

Well I cant hurt anymore
I cant cry anymore
I cant hurt anymore
Theres nothing left

Don't You DARE Tell Me It's Because You CARE!

You know, there are some things I dont think I will ever understand…

Like how someone could have access to enough information about you to know how you feel about certain things and how much being in certain situations hurts you, and they say they care about you and want only the best for you, yet they go out of their way to put you in the very position that they know hurts you the most… What is with that?!

I dont understand how these people can claim to love me and yet deliberately put me in the one position they know hurts me so much… When I choose to do sex-work with strangers it is so much different to having someone I know book me and pay for sexual services… Thats not to say that I cant handle bookings with people I know… Sometimes it can even be easier… But when that person is lying to themselves and to me, telling me that they care so much about me and somehow tying that to it being the reason they are hiring me, well to be honest it makes me want to vomit…

Well, here is how it really is… YOU MAKE ME SICK! I want to VOMIT at the thought of having to fuck you! Not because you are a client but because you have the gall to expect me to be grateful to you for this favour you are supposedly doing me?! PLEASE!!! You are doing yourself a favour! You want to fuck me and you want it so bad you are willing to pay me for it! Its what you want for you… You dont give a damn about me! At least my clients are honest… They book me because they want me to get them off… Its honest and its a business transaction!

I would so much rather they were honest with me… How hard is it to say ‘Look, you turn me on, and I really want to fuck you…’?Seriously… How hard is a little honesty?! But no, instead, its all ‘I care about you’… ‘I wanted to book you so that you didnt have to see someone who didnt care about you…’ (Translation: Im doing you a favour)… And would you believe that some of them even tell me ’I am doing you a favour’?! The audacity! 

DO NOT EVER MAKE THE MISTAKE OF THINKING THAT ‘I LOVE YOU’ MAKES EVERYTHING OKAY! ‘I LOVE YOU’ OR ‘I CARE ABOUT YOU’ ONLY MAKES ME HATE YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE! AND IT SHOWS ME WHO YOU REALLY ARE! (Which is not someone who cares about me or someone I can trust)…

Sadly I have encountered this with at least three people who claimed to care about me within the past month… It makes me sick…

Violet x

Update

I never ended up going to do that shift the other day…

I did do one the next day… At the time I thought I was coping with it… And for a little while I think I might have been… Coming home after my shift wasnt so good though… It was like what I had done hit me all of a sudden and for some reason it just seemed like the worst thing in the whole world… I dont know why…

I have less than two weeks left before my trip to Brisbane and I am running very low on cash… So I have decided that either tomorrow or the next day (depending on how long it takes my medication to do its job), I will be going back to work and simply doing shift after shift until I have the money I need… Unfortunately, it could be a very slow and painful way to make the money, but what choice do I have?

I am still hoping that I will get a couple of B&D bookings so that I can make the money faster and without the fallout that going back to doing straight full-service brings… But right now I seem to be getting a lot of enquiries and no bookings… Not that that is really surprising in the current financial climate… Everyone seems to be struggling financially and it doesnt seem to matter what business you are in…

Now I am simply determined to do whatever it takes to get my finances straightened out…

Another place I am hoping to make some contacts is on Saturday night when I am hostessing as a Dominatrix at a BDSM event… You know, it really shouldnt be this hard… But the reason for that is private so I will say no more right now… Hopefully I will be seeing one of my regulars for the first time in a month this week… God, I hope so… I have a lot on my mind right now but I strongly suspect that here isnt the place to put that…

More soon I suppose…

Vx

Am I ‘High’ Enough to Cope With a Shift Today?

Today I am ‘high’ (bipolar high, not something drug induced)…

I wish that I wasnt… But a part of feeling like this is the ability to not really feel too much at all when it comes to clients… I guess it just doesnt feel so personal when nothing feels real like this…

And a lot of those enquiries have resulted in promises to book a Session but not until late this week or early next week… But I just dont have the time to wait to see if they pan out… Oh well, I suppose if they do, then I will be able to afford to get myself something special on top of paying the bills and paying for my trip… I just hope that I can stay high for long enough to get through this… 

In 6 minutes, the brothel down the road opens and I will be calling them to let them know to start advertising me… A tiny piece of me inside that can still feel is screaming out ‘No!’… But if I dont do this now while I cant feel then how the hell am I going to get the money I need for my bills and the trip to Brisbane in time? I think its a matter of just holding my breath and diving in… I guess the thing that is really bugging me about this today is that I have had so many enquiries about B&D bookings over the past few days… 

Violet x

Not Really Coping But Doing It Anyway

Im not really sure why I have come in here tonight…

Work has been intermittent… Largely because I havent been able to face it… I guess I just havent been dealing with it so well again… And its been especially hard since I did a professional sub job that went bad… It took me over a week to shake the fallout from that one… But at least I have learned from my mistake… So now I have some extra safety measures in place for myself… I guess thats a good thing…

The thought of working in the sex indutry kills me inside right now… But I am going to Brisbane soon and I have no other way of making the money I need… Its as simple as that… So unless I get some B&D jobs really soon it is going to mean I have to get the money by doing full-service shifts… God I hope I dont have to do that… The money is shit and it means having to see so many clients if I am going to get the $600 I need just to pay for my hotel room… Not to mention money I will need to get food and any taxi rides I need… Thankfully shopping isnt a big priority for me as I am planning to stay in my room writing music most of the time… But having said, I am sure my friend James is going to want to go out together (which will cost money) and I would really like to be able to bring my daughters back something special…

You know, outside of the full-service part of most B&D Sessions, I actually really enjoy being a Dominatrix… I love dressing up in fetish-wear and I love how creative I have to be and how I have to be able to think on my feet and at lightning speed… And the submissives and slaves that I create these Sessions for are almost always so grateful, especially when I have used the Session to help them work through some deep-seated issues they have… And I think that is the part of my work I love the most… Its helping people… But even more than that, its helping them to learn to love and accept themselves… Believe it or not I even help couples to reconnect and rediscover one another…

Have you ever heard the old adage that talks about how people wil usually give other people the gifts they wish they could reieve themselves? Well I guess thats what I do… Constantly… I keep helping people find their way back to one another… I just wish that there existed in my life a simple, uncomplicated relationship where nothing hurt and everything was just all about loving each other… Sadly, there always seem to be obstacles and complications and reasons that that simplicity and purity just cant exist…

God, what am I doing; bearing my soul lke this about my private life on a site where I am talking about my life and experiences as asex worker?! A temporary abhearration I suppose… But I guess my private life and my life in sex work do cross and intertwine at times… Especially when I am not coping in one or both of them…

Anyway, enough about all of this… I dont want to think about it anymore… Its time to sleep and to pretend for a while that I dont have to go and have sex with complete strangers just so I can get the money I need to pay my day to day bills and to get the hell out of Adelaide for a desperately needed break…

Ah the games we play with ourselves… 

Violet x

Goodbye to ‘Disabling the Censor’, Hello New Home

It would seem that someone I care very deeply about has found this site…

Now while that hasnt been the earth-shattering event you might expect (because he already knew about this part of my life), it has become clear that changes to the msn-spaces format, mean I am now nowhere near as anonymous as I had originally had the luxury of being… So, having made this disturbing discovery, I am faced with a new decision… Do I throw caution to the wind and just keep this space as it is and run the risk of people I dont want knowing about this part of my life, finding out? Do I erase this space from here and move it and its contents to a new web address? Or do I say ‘the hell with it!’ and just publish these entries in my everyday journal? I really dont know what I will do at this point…

And its not even like I would be hurt by their departure either because there are very few people in my life who have earned my love and trust or that I am attatched to deeply enough, for that to matter… So I guess no real loss there… But possible legal ramifications or blackmail and the like are something to consider seriously…

If I publish in my everyday journal, I risk possible legal ramifications… I also risk people using the information against me in ways I do care about… I guess I risk losing a few friends… But to be honest I really dont give a damn about that part because those who would walk based on finding out about this part of my life, I dont need or want anyway… 

Moving the space? Well, it wouldnt take much and it would mean I could continue writing about this part of my life… And to be honest, a continuation of this journal is important to me for many reasons…

Simply continuing here? Hmm, while a very defiant part of me would love to do that, I am just not sure that leaving this particular timebomb ticking is a very intellegent thing to do…

I guess I am moving…

Those who already read this space (not that I have updated it very often), will find a way to find me again… So I guess this is ‘Goodbye’ to my home here at ‘disabling the censor’… I will see some of you again very soon…

Oh and thank you… I really mean it… Knowing that there might even be one person out there who is hearing me especially when I feel I am at my lowest, really is a comfort… And no you don't have to comment for me to know you are out there… Even in the silence… I hear you…

Love Violet x

Paradoxical Feelings

I have recently negotiated access to premesis in Prospect, the Adelaide CBD, and Pooraka to work from…

I am also hoping to negotiate something a little closer (to home) of my own aswell… But for the time being, between the premesis I mentioned and escort work, I have managed to make sure I am quite flexible…

Business is slowly picking up… For the most part I have had a lot of enquiries resulting from profiles I have on a couple of BDSM and other similar sites… But enquiries very quickly turn into bookings, so very soon, I should be well on my way out of debt… And that would be a real relief as I am seriously considering a move to Brisbane, or at the very least, frequent trips up there and back…

In the interim, I have had a couple of non-full-service clients at a dungeon I have begun working at… It was fun being able to play and not having to have sex… I guess I shouldnt really be talking like that being that I am advertising here for clients… But hey, its the truth… And that is what this site was created for… Not to advertise for clients, but to tell my truth about my experiences in the industry…

*Sigh*…

And in truth, once I am in the room with a client, I really am a different person… And I can even fool myself for a while that it is what I want… The preceding fear and the horrible aftermath of going against who I really am is my business and is for me to deal with… No client I have ever had has ever had an inkling that I wanted anything less than to make them feel like Gods… Its what I do… Its what I think they deserve… But even more than that, its how I want them to feel because I genuinely want people to feel good…

I guess that sounds like two completely opposite feelings existing at the one time… And I know how impossible that is supposed to be… But let me assure you… It's the truth… I will have to get around to updating this site with more stories from my working life soon I suppose… But not tonight… I am tired and unhappy…

More later possibly…

Violet x

Going Private

This is what it has now come down to…

I am going private… I am unable to stomach the idea of working where I was because of the price drop and the extra drop in what the girls ended up recieving… But being that I still need to pay my bills, I am also unable to quit the industry altogether…

Anyone interested in employing my services can find me under ‘Violet Temptations – B&D and Fantasy’ in the Yellow Pages online and soon to be listed in the Yellow Pages coming out in October of this year… I do not just do sex-work… I am actually a fully qualified Dominatrix… Services in that area range from a very gentle, flirtatious, seductive service to something resembling the stereotypes sensationalised on tv… But always, the choice is YOURS… In B&D, the client never experiences a service that goes outside of what they have specifically requested… There are also safety words…

So the long and the short of it is that I am available on the number listed in the Yellow Pages (SA edition) and the Yellow Pages online… I will soon have a place of my own to work from and in the meantime, I am available for escort work…

Hope to hear from you soon…

Violet x

Phil – the Surgeon

My second client was a asian canadian doctor who is studying to become a surgeon…

He booked me for an hour inhouse in the spa room for $100… For that whole first hour we did nothing but talk… He knew I was completely new to the business and to be honest my innocence and niavety really showed… I think that that was why we talked for that whole first hour… I think he felt guilty and like he was ‘corrupting’ an innocent (even though only I can take responsibility for my own actions)… About ten minutes before the end of the hour he decided to extend for another 3/4 of an hour, which meant I was going to earn another $80… For the first fifteen minutes we continued talking… This was in no way a stalling tactic on my part… It wasnt contrived at all…

For the last half hour of the booking we did what I had expected we would be doing when he first booked me… We kissed, I gave him a blowjob, he touched me, he tried to go down on me but I refused, and then we had sex… Only it wasnt just sex… He begged me to allow him to be inside me without a condom on… I told him no at least six times… I begged him no… Told him I would get into so much trouble if I did it… He offered me more money for the privelege, swearing that as a medical professional he had to be clear of all STD’s and that he was checked regularly… I dont know what it was that made me give up in the end… I can tell you this though, itwasnt the extra money he offered… (The money was just something I comforted myself with by lying to myself and pretending that would make it ’ok’)… I think what actually happened was that I felt as though I would be hurting his feelings if I refused him… And I slipped into an old behavioural pattern and reverted back to ‘being a good little girl’ and once it became apparent (after his ignorance of all of my refusals) that he wasnt going to listen, I just gave up…

During that booking I learned three very important lessons…

First: as someone who suffers from bipolar I would very literally be taking my life in my own hands if I ever decided to experiment with speed… Apparently the brain of a bipolar sufferer reacts differently to that of a ‘normal’ person when it comes to speed… As a result it is very easy to overdose… (This was something he told me during the course of our discussion)…

Second: Despite any previous experiences I have had sexually with men, it actually is possible for a man to make me cum during sexand with him on top… No matter how much I fought it, or didnt want it to happen, somehow it just did…

Third: and most importantly… In this business you can trust no-one… He knew I was new and he knew what he was doing when he used that against me and walked out without paying me… He didnt forget… He stole from me… Never again will I provide a client with an ‘Extra’ without recieving the money up front…

I hate it when men use their ‘niceness’ to get what they want from me… If they were overtly hateful and horrible, I would at least have a chance of defending myself… Its like they intuitively know that by being ‘nice’ I will be so much more effectively forced to give them what they want… Not to mention, it makes it a whole lot easier on their conscience… Well, newsflash boys… Its still assault!

He came in and chose to see me again a month or so later, but he was called away before we had the chance to begin the booking… I was sure he would ask for the same kind of service again and I had a plan all of my own… I had planned to tell him ‘Yes’ I would give him that service again, but that I wanted the money upfront… And then I would say ‘Ok, well now you have paid me for the first time you stole from me… Now either put a condom on and lets do this or GET OUT!’… At which point he would have two choices… He would either have to accept the fact he had to wear a condom this time and that he had just paid me for what had happened last time… Or he could leave and lose the money he had just spent on the booking aswell… If he had gotten even a little nasty about me taking the money he owed me, I would have just had him thrown out…

So far, I havent seen him come inhouse again… And I know he has no idea at all that I am angry with him… He thinks he has just gotten away with it… But I am patient… I will bide my time… And if I ever do see him again I will take whats mine without any regrets!

Word to the wise… DONT screw around with a working girl… We are protected by people bigger and badder than you know… And we have looooooong memories… My client was just LUCKY it was my first night and that I was so niave`… But I will tell you this now…NEVER AGAIN!

Violet x

Post Script:  Over a year after his first visit, Phil returned and chose me once more… During that booking I playfully but assertively reminded him that he had not paid me what he had promised last time… He was very apologetic and paid me immediately… To my dismay he paid twice what he had promised, expecting that same ‘extra’ again… So confident was he that I would comply (and I hadnt been fast enough to correct his assumption), that I found myself in that same position again (only paid this time)…

I feel so ashamed that after my assertiveness which resulted in a righting of a wrong, that I would once more lose the ability to simply say ‘No’ when I needed to most… And to those of you who would self-righteously claim I submitted once more for the money he gave me, I would say this: No! I wanted so badly to make it stop… I was paralysed from the inside out… And as a result, the choice to make it stop was no longer one I could make… The most painful part for me is that ironically it was because I stood up to him and demanded what was mine from last time and was validated, that I felt powerless to assert myself once more to avoid it happening again…

I did manage to assert myself in a very small but effective way however… This time I refused to kiss…

I learned a lot in those first few bookings… And while I made a lot of novice mistakes and even at times fell pray to dangerous predators, I did learn… Each and every mistake I made, I made sure I learned from and I forced myself to grow stronger…

N.B.After both of these bookings I not only washed in iodine (just as he did, and he told me that it would kill anything and everything, should something need to be killed), but I also submitted to a full screening for STD’s and the like… On both occassions, including the follow-up testing, my results all came back negative, meaning I was given a clean bill of health…

Living Nightmare

I feel like I'm living in a nightmare every time I go into work these days…

I don't know what has changed… I don't know what it is that has made the difference between coping and now not coping… All I know is that after every client I want to vomit and I almost pass out… But instead, I end up on curled up in a ball on the bed crying… I don't know why it is that I cant seem to hold onto whatever it is I used to hold onto to be able to do this…

And the before isn't much better…

Going into ‘Intro’ feels like going to face the firing squad… Only there isn't anyone with a gun in the small of my back forcing me to do it… I am the one walking myself in there… And I am the one greeting each client with a smile on my face, trying to win the job… And its me who stands just outside of the room where (having won the job) my client is waiting for me, with screaming so loud inside my head I feel as though it's going to explode and make its way out into the real world… And it's me who ignores the painful psychsomatically induced burning sensations my skin produces as every cell in my being screams out against doing this again…

What the hell is wrong with me?! Why can't I stop these things from happening inside of me?

Why can't I control this thing anymore? And how on earth am I going to faceanother shift? 

I just don't know what to do… I need the money from working… But I just don't know how to survive working anymore…

Vx

Apologies

My apologies for so long without an entry…

There has been so much going on in the time that I have been away from this journal… I have so much that I need to spew out on here… And for a while I even quit working all together…

Anyway, just as soon as I get the chance I will write all of the stories I have inside of me screaming to get out… If only I had the courage to keep this log on my real online journal… But I simply have too much to lose…

More later…

Love Violet x

My first Client

I do not remember the name of this man because I was so terrified of doing my first job that I either didn't hear it at all or didn't notice that he never give me his name in the first place…

He was very sweet about everything really… He asked me my name when I went in to introduce myself… I told him ‘Violet’ and dipped my eyes coyly… Sadly this wasn't an act; I felt very shy and to be honest, completely terrified… I think thats probably a part of what won him over in the end… I seemed so innocent and niave, which was probably a refreshing change from the jaded, bored attitudes of most of the girls there… Well, that and my niavety most likely also implied I would be ‘clean’…

But the thing that completely blew me away was when he asked me… ‘I would like to be with you… But what I would like to know is if you would like to be with me?’… Oh my God! You could have knocked me over with a feather! I had never in my wildest dreams expected to hear those words come out of a client's mouth! Now admittedly, he was probably asking more for his own benefit… I mean its not like he is going to want to pay $120 to be having sex with a girl who is obviously not wanting to be doing it… But the way my brain translated it that night was as respect…

In the end I will never know what his true motivations for asking were… I suspect possibly a little of both… Wanting to make sure he had a good time as well as concern for how I was feeling… But who really cares… Motive matters little I suppose when the end result is the same… I told him that yes, I wanted to be with him too and I went and did the job…

Something that did touch my heart and make it easier though was that when we got into the room and it was obvious that I had no idea of how things were supposed to happen, he was really helpful… I remember standing there absolutely terrified and I asked him ‘I really don't know how this all works… I mean I know we are supposed to have sex and all… But I have no idea what I am supposed to do right now or how you want to go about this… Will you help me please?’… And he did… He was so sweet… He said to me ‘Well, first we start like this’… And he gave me a long-lasting, very supportive hug… It eased the tension and ‘broke the ice’ so to speak… After that it was really a whole lot easier than I had thought it would be…

He was gentle and respectful… He even told me I was pretty and that he loved the lingerie I had chosen to wear underneath my dress that night… The sex was good as far as that sort of thing goes… I mean I didn't cum or anything, but it wasn't bad sex and it certainly wasn't the nightmare I had been expecting it to be…

He asked me for my private number and told me that I was too good for this kind of thing and that he would rather be giving me all the money and would much rather see me privately… I was flattered but somehow managed to discreetly avoid giving him my number…

Something that surprised me about doing that first job was how much I put into it… I really tried to make him feel special… And I told him lovely things about himself and thanked him for his patience and respect and for making my first time so good… (Although in truth I don't know that I will ever view my job as being 'good', but he certainly made it much less scary)… I don't know how or why, but a part of me felt sorry for him… I guess I felt sad inside that he obviously thought he had to pay for sex when I am personally sure that there would be plenty of girls out there who would sleep with him for free… He wasn't the most attractive man I have ever met, but certainly not the ugliest… And he had a beautiful, gentle way about him… I just don't get why he was paying for sex… I really don't… Unless maybe he wanted the release without the hassle of a relationship… Who knows?

So in my first booking, I earned $60 for a half an hours work… Some people would say that's good money… And if you are only looking at time versus money, then yeah, I would agree… But in this business… You are selling a tiny little piece of your soul each and every time… At least that's how it feels for me… And with some clients; the ones who are not as nice to you, that piece of soul you are selling seems massive… In the end, I would say that $60 for a half an hour and a piece of your soul really isn't a good price… But what can I say? For a huge number of reasons, I was the one who made that choice… I only hope I can live with the fallout…

Violet x

Post Script:  The name of my first client was Bill… I found this out when he made a return visit many months later… And I do remember him telling me the first time now

Hello

Hello, my name is Violet…

Or at least that is my ‘working’ name… The name my clients ask for me by… I am 29 years old, a size 10-12, 12D, female with long caramel blonde hair and large deep blue eyes… My agency sells me as a 19 year old size 8, 12D, female with long caramel blonde hair and large deep blue eyes… I don't know why or even how it is that the clients believe them about my age or clothing size, but I suppose it's all about marketing in this industry… So I have just come to terms with adding those lies to all of the rest of the lies being in this industry requires you to either tell others or believe yourself…

I have only been working in the sex industry since Monday night… It feels like a lifetime ago, but it was in fact less than a week… On Monday night I went for my interview with ***** ***** and I started work immediately… My first shift was almost 12 hours long… I only saw three clients but I took home $440 from it… Ironically, exactly the amount of rent I was short on… I could have earned another $100 that night, but I declined because I decided the personal cost to me of enduring another hour with that last client was just too high… But that is another story for another time… Since my first shift, I have worked only once more… Yesterday I did a 5 and 1/2 hour shift which was pretty slow and only earned me $110… It's all money though and it's paying the bills that are keeping a roof over my daughters' heads (and my own) and the gas and electricity on, among other things…

There is every chance that I will be working my whole weekend in order to clear off more debt and to be able to afford a much needed break from Adelaide… Right now there is just so much in my life that doesn't fit… But I will go further into all of that in subsequent entries… I pretty much just wanted to say hello for now…

More later…

Violet x