And so this is who I am now...
Or at least a part of who I am...
If I am honest with Myself, I have no choice to admit that I no longer know who or what is Me and who and what are triggered fragments of Me (and as such, not really Me?)...
I am so many things these days and not one of them feels genuine or authentic or real anymore...
It is true that I am currently in extreme pain...
Just as it is true that I have been overloaded mentally and emotionally by extremely traumatic situations, most of which I feel trapped by and unable to control...
I have no doubt... that I am... once more... dissociated out of my Mind
I look at this photograph... and I watch Myself posting it here and in other places on the internet... and although I know, on some level logically, that I should be feeling shame? or at the very least, concern for my dignity, modesty and privacy... I don't
In fact, I feel compelled to post it... Compelled to scream out my pain through it somehow... Compelled to cry out for a Help that I am terrified but not yet quite convinced, does not exist...
And yet at the same time... I believe this shot is beautiful in some desperate way... I want to scream out that beauty into the internal Abyss and to have the whole WORLD confirm that I am beautiful and wanted, so loudly that the screams of the world drown out the screaming inside that is telling Me that I want to kill Myself...
Oh FUCK! I am really NOT OKAY, am I...
What the hell am I going to do??? :'(
