Always Be Open to the Unexpected
Sometimes, our hearts instinctively know better (what we truly want), than we ever could...
Right now, that is exactly what I am realising is happening to me...
And... I am okay with that
29/09/11 18:33
The Beginning of the End (for my Baby)
My Baby is dying inside of me right now and it hurts so much...
And it's ALL my fault :'(
10/09/11 19:57
Watch this space...
09/09/11 20:46
The Nothing I cannot do without...
Today I feel almost nothing...
I feel like maybe I really can go through with what I feel I have to do, without losing my mind, afterall...
On some level I feel guilty for feeling (or not feeling in this case) this way... This is my Baby; my child... How could I feel so little?! And yet today, I do... And today I am selfishly praying (to a god I don't even know if I believe in), that this lack of feeling lasts...
You know what? Despite the overwhelming mountain of unselfish reasons I shouldn't go through with this pregnancy, today, I simply don't want to.
I... really... just... don't... want... to...
I'm tired... And I'm in pain... And I feel sick... And I feel miserable... And today I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A BABY!
I think I am okay with that too (at least right now, while I can't feel, anyway)...
Yesterday, I didn't know how I was going to survive going though with this abortion... Okay, so maybe I knew how I was going to survive it... But I didn't know how I was going to be able to find a way to emotionally deal with it... Yesterday, I WANTED this Baby... desperately
Right at this very moment, I feel so grateful for how the mundane realities of my actual situation have been smacking me in the face over and over and over again all day today...
I feel deeply confused by what my lack of connection, right across the board in my life right now, actually means and how it should influence my decisions; both immediate and longterm... But the discomfort of that confusion is far outweighed by the peace (albeit most likely temporary), this disconnection currently affords me...
I feel very lucky that today I have found peace... Even if that peace is not a happy peace, but an empty one...
Oh shit! It has just hit me... Very soon my womb will be empty once again too... Oh god, I want to cry and not stop! :'(
PLEASE let this all be over... and SOON... before I lose my mind :'( :'( :'( :'(
01/09/11 18:05
This is NOT a joke... OR a delusion!
I'm PREGNANT!
And now for the strangest part of all... I feel peaceful about it
I know that I am in no position to keep this Baby... if that is even my decision to make (as I am experiencing cramping and light intermittent bleeding as well as not having the usual gut wrenching nausea I've always had when I am pregnant)... but despite knowing that I may well have to have an abortion (if I dont spontaniously miscarry), I feel so peaceful and happy and serene... I even feel excited... about the Baby! I feel the way the mothers on all of the hollywood movies feel...
It makes no logical sense...
There have been so many changes happening inside of my mind lately... Everywhere I look, there is peace; a peace I cannot back up with any reason but an emotional comfort derived from pure logic...
Emotionally, this peace makes no sense at all... I have so much in my life right now which should be sending me running, screaming to the nearest psychiatric hospital begging to be sedated and restrained - yes, literally... Instead, I find myself able to cope with literally anything... I feel... and I think I might even actually be... invincible
Have I just finally managed to get it? You know, as in, achieving some kind of enlightenment by finally seeing things as they truly are instead of seeing the world, distorted through the eyes of fear? Or am I in serious psychological trouble??
I cant say for sure that I have not split... But I really dont quite feel as though I have split again either... And even if I have... Im happy here... And Im safe here... I see no reason for the need to 'come back'... And I certainly have no desire to...
There actually is one thing bothering me about this whole situation though... the complete inability to feel it... I cant feel the pain of what I am going to either have to do (the abortion) or go through (a miscarriage)... And I cant feel the fear that I should be feeling, knowing that if I only went by feelings, I would be having this Baby...
OH MY GOD! I WANT to HAVE this Baby! I really WANT to!
Surely I cant be ready to though... And yet, recently, the concept of taking my daughters back on full-time hasnt left me feeling daunted... Its excited me! Maybe I really am so much better than I have been (mentally) afterall... Maybe I really am getting 'well' again?
But what about only two nights ago, when I so desperately wanted to return to Adelaide because I couldnt feel my emotional connection to D*****? And then what of how that lack of feeling evaporated almost magically, without any real outside stimuli and I felt the return of transient fragments of being so completely in love with him? That hardly sounds like 'okay' to me...
And what am I supposed to do??? I obviously cannot live my life by my feelings; they change so completely, so dramatically, so often and rarely reflect what I want for the 'big picture' of my life... And its neither fair nor viable to live a life ruled and directed only by what I can prove, completely abandoning and neglecting my emotions...
I really dont know what the right thing to do here is... I feel so well... But I logically know Im not... even though I cant explain exactly which parts are well and which parts are unwell... And when you are talking about the life of a child, nothing but certainty is good enough... I do believe in myself... immensely... But right now, the logic just doesnt support it quite strongly enough for me to risk bringing this child into the world :'(
I love you My Precious Little One...
I guess the best outcome I can hope for now, is that the decision is taken out of my hands by nature and that I miscarry... It will be devestating, but there will be peace
10/08/2011 23:59
I Love My Bedroom...
I love my bedroom now...
Ok, so this is certainly not going to be my most heart-wrenching, thought-provoking entry ever... But its a start... Besides, its long since time I wrote something lighter... I honestly miss writing 'just because'... It feels so good to finally be writing simply because I want to instead of having been driven here by some form or other of unbearable internal torment...
Now, where was I? Ah, yes...
I really do love my bedroom right now... At last, it has warmth in it... A warmth I created! :)
Before, my bedroom was beautiful... And it was technically perfect, right down to the smallest detail... But it still seemed cold somehow...
Now, there are personal touches and photographs everywhere (although, true to form, there is order and containment still) which have changed it from being something 'expensive-designer-magazine-worthy' to a dream bedroom...
I love spending time in here now... Its home... Its where I can finally, truly dream... Its a place I feel safe... Its the place I go when I want to be surrounded by the memories and things from people and places and dreams I love... Its MY space
For so long now, I have been trying to find that illusive, missing element... That one thing that could bring my dream bedroom to life... I sought just a little freedom and abandon and ME in amongst the beautiful, yet rigid, control and perfection I had created... And now I have done it! :)
It strikes me as odd that creating that little oasis of abandon that would bring my bedroom to life, was so scary and so hard... Hmm... Maybe 'odd' isnt quite the word I am looking for... But I was surprised at how difficult I found it both emotionally and cerebrally... It took a lot of courage and determination to let go and to trust that it was safe to become vulnerable for long enough to create like this...
Its been a long time coming though... And I really am glad that I was finally able to break through all of the 'staging' I had created in order to protect me throughout some of the most painful and emotionally/psychologically vulnerable times in my life...
This bedroom I have finally finished creating, is a most precious gift (to myself) indeed... :)
Ok, so this is certainly not going to be my most heart-wrenching, thought-provoking entry ever... But its a start... Besides, its long since time I wrote something lighter... I honestly miss writing 'just because'... It feels so good to finally be writing simply because I want to instead of having been driven here by some form or other of unbearable internal torment...
Now, where was I? Ah, yes...
I really do love my bedroom right now... At last, it has warmth in it... A warmth I created! :)
Before, my bedroom was beautiful... And it was technically perfect, right down to the smallest detail... But it still seemed cold somehow...
Now, there are personal touches and photographs everywhere (although, true to form, there is order and containment still) which have changed it from being something 'expensive-designer-magazine-worthy' to a dream bedroom...
I love spending time in here now... Its home... Its where I can finally, truly dream... Its a place I feel safe... Its the place I go when I want to be surrounded by the memories and things from people and places and dreams I love... Its MY space
For so long now, I have been trying to find that illusive, missing element... That one thing that could bring my dream bedroom to life... I sought just a little freedom and abandon and ME in amongst the beautiful, yet rigid, control and perfection I had created... And now I have done it! :)
It strikes me as odd that creating that little oasis of abandon that would bring my bedroom to life, was so scary and so hard... Hmm... Maybe 'odd' isnt quite the word I am looking for... But I was surprised at how difficult I found it both emotionally and cerebrally... It took a lot of courage and determination to let go and to trust that it was safe to become vulnerable for long enough to create like this...
Its been a long time coming though... And I really am glad that I was finally able to break through all of the 'staging' I had created in order to protect me throughout some of the most painful and emotionally/psychologically vulnerable times in my life...
This bedroom I have finally finished creating, is a most precious gift (to myself) indeed... :)
08/08/2011 01:32
Invincible...
Now... more than ever... I KNOW I am invincible...
I have been through so much in my life... so much... And yet here I still am... Not just surviving... but KICKING ARSE!
And... once again, I find myself in awe of the power and the determination and the strength of ME!
So why is it that despite being invincible, I still find myself so very far away from writing anything even remotely close to what I really want to write about in here tonight??? Damn it!
To hell with it! I think that tonight's entry should just be left at the 'Im invincible' part... Afterall, I am really proud of that... And a little positivity is what I so desperately need right now...
You know what else? The fact that I even came in here tonight and wrote anything at all is a huge achievement... So I guess that's a positive thing too...
And on that note... I am going to bed... But I will try again soon
I have been through so much in my life... so much... And yet here I still am... Not just surviving... but KICKING ARSE!
And... once again, I find myself in awe of the power and the determination and the strength of ME!
So why is it that despite being invincible, I still find myself so very far away from writing anything even remotely close to what I really want to write about in here tonight??? Damn it!
To hell with it! I think that tonight's entry should just be left at the 'Im invincible' part... Afterall, I am really proud of that... And a little positivity is what I so desperately need right now...
You know what else? The fact that I even came in here tonight and wrote anything at all is a huge achievement... So I guess that's a positive thing too...
And on that note... I am going to bed... But I will try again soon
10/07/2011 18:11
I Love Him...
:'(
I miss him so much...
I still love him... I want so much to just pack a bag and drive out to Goolwa to see him :'(
I want to be able to sit down and really talk... I want us to work this out... alone...
I want to touch him and be touched by him... I want to feel him again... I want us to lose ourselves again in that one... perfect... kiss... (which used to be what every kiss between us was like - because of the love and connection that existed between us)... I want to fall into his arms and to make love to him again... To have him make love to me...
I want to scream his name out into the night and have him hear me... in his soul... To know that when he looks at me he really sees ME... again...
But I dont know how...
That last phonecall was devastating...
I had thought we could work through anything...
He had promised... I had believed...
I wanted so badly to truly see this 'negativity' and this 'victim mentality' he said I should be able to see inside of myself, that was making him so distant and angry at me... That felt like it was making him hate me...
I wanted so badly to be wrong (when I said I couldnt see that in myself)... To have him show me how he was right... And even though it would have hurt to have seen those things in myself, I would have PREFERRED he was right... because I can FIX that... I can fix ME... Hell, if it is true, I still WANT to see it... AND to fix it...
And if I was right... We could have worked through it... We could have talked it out until we BOTH understood one another... We could have made everything okay again...
But when I begged (not challenged - truly begged) him to show me, it only seemed to make him angrier... and more distant... (and as he never explained, I am still unable to do anything more than guess at what he might have been seeing)...
Then I heard his voice change... and then came the beginning of a sentence I couldnt bear to hear the end of...
'I cant do...'
His voice was so quiet... and distant... and resigned... and defeated... and cold...
I have a good idea of how that sentence was going to end, but I will never know for sure... Because I cut him off before he could finish it... I felt this wave of terror wash over me... And I just couldnt force myself to remain calm and to breathe through that terror anymore... The logic I always use to talk myself down, through the most frightening moments of my life, just wasnt enough... I had passed the point where I could even think anymore...
I ran...
I couldnt breathe... I disappeared, screaming and frantic, deep inside of myself... And from somewhere that seemed so far away and unreal... from somewhere I couldnt touch or be touched... I heard myself spit out the words 'You know what?! You are right... Im not doing this anymore... Im done... Its over...' and then I hung up the phone...
My voice sounded so cold... :'(
So unlike ME... So UNLIKE anything I was TRULY feeling inside...
I had gone... I couldnt touch 'Me' anymore... And I couldnt make myself heard above this split off part of me that had stepped in to protect me from....... Oh god, even now, I cant bring myself to write, in words, what I was afraid he was going to say and what that was going to do to 'Us'... :'(
I cant believe that this all happened only as recently as the very early hours of Tuesday morning... It feels like so much longer than that... It feels like weeks, possibly even months... since I heard his voice... since I felt him... since he loved me...
He spoke so often of having realised his mistake after the first time he walked away from me... He promised me he would never walk away from me again... He asked me to marry him... To move in with him (despite powerful, residual fears he had left over from his marriage)... He spoke of the two of us creating a perfect family together... Of how completely invested in 'Us' he was; that there was no part of him that had any doubts about us and no part of his heart that didnt belong to me... completely...
He told me he knew that I truly was his 'One'... And that he loved me so much... That he wanted to grow old with me... He told me he wanted forever with me...
And yet... after I hung up the phone... the ONLY thing he did was block me on both of the facebook accounts we were connected on :'(
That was it...
No call... No text... Nothing...
He didnt even try to fight :'(
As the words came flying out of my mouth on the phone that night, I had wished, with everything inside of me, that I could stop them... (Yes, the words were true of that one brief split second in time - I really couldnt take any more at that very moment... BUT... they were NOT true of how I felt about our relationship... I was (and still am) willing to face down anything and to work through everything)...I wished that he wasnt about to say the words I couldnt bear to hear... And that if he was, that I had the courage to face them...
I wished that he had interrupted me (the same way that I had interrupted him only seconds before) and at least tried to stop the words that I couldnt stop from coming out of my mouth... Screamed out 'NOOOO!' himself... Anything!
I would have listened...
Inside, I was screaming and crying and begging him to stop what I couldnt at that moment... I was willing to face anything, no matter how painful... And, god help me... I still AM... :'(
BECAUSE THAT IS HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM! :'(
I never said I was 'done' in the hope or belief that he would come chasing after me... I never said it in the hope of getting him to see things my way...
I said it from a place of feeling like I was about to (literally) lose my mind... I said it from a place inside of myself where I truly couldnt take hearing the words I was so terrified I was about to hear and still survive... I said it from a place where my mind had stepped in to protect me, in such a powerful way, that it had taken away from me, my power to stop me from saying those words... My mind protected me when I refused to; when I wanted to pay whatever emotional price was necessary to save 'Us'...
It is so stupid... I should have been able to 'stay' and hear them (even if he was going so say what I feared he was)... They are just WORDS!
But thats just it...
I LOVE HIM! :'(
And it is loving him that gives those 'just words' the potential power of life and death... I dont know what is worse... That those words could have come from him... Or that they came from me... Not based upon what I wanted... but because I was so afraid and just couldnt bear to hear them... :'(
There has to be a way to fix this... I want to fix this... But how?
How, when his complete silence seems to (but maybe I am wrong?) have made it so abundantly clear that he doesnt love me (anymore?) and that he doesnt want me back? and is possibly even relieved that I am gone?
Is his silence, self-preservation; severing all contact with me because he loves me too much to be able to handle the pain and is too afraid of reaching out in case I reject him? Or is his silence, simply grateful acceptance of our relationship being over, which is what he wanted anyway?
I really just dont know...
I know that I love him enough to reach out and to risk that rejection...
I also know that I love him enough to risk the fragile hold I currently have on my sanity, to find out and to do whatever I have the power to do to potentially make this relationship work...
That scares the hell out of me!
But if I know all of these things... And I do...........
Well... Maybe I just... should?
I miss him so much...
I still love him... I want so much to just pack a bag and drive out to Goolwa to see him :'(
I want to be able to sit down and really talk... I want us to work this out... alone...
I want to touch him and be touched by him... I want to feel him again... I want us to lose ourselves again in that one... perfect... kiss... (which used to be what every kiss between us was like - because of the love and connection that existed between us)... I want to fall into his arms and to make love to him again... To have him make love to me...
I want to scream his name out into the night and have him hear me... in his soul... To know that when he looks at me he really sees ME... again...
But I dont know how...
That last phonecall was devastating...
I had thought we could work through anything...
He had promised... I had believed...
I wanted so badly to truly see this 'negativity' and this 'victim mentality' he said I should be able to see inside of myself, that was making him so distant and angry at me... That felt like it was making him hate me...
I wanted so badly to be wrong (when I said I couldnt see that in myself)... To have him show me how he was right... And even though it would have hurt to have seen those things in myself, I would have PREFERRED he was right... because I can FIX that... I can fix ME... Hell, if it is true, I still WANT to see it... AND to fix it...
And if I was right... We could have worked through it... We could have talked it out until we BOTH understood one another... We could have made everything okay again...
But when I begged (not challenged - truly begged) him to show me, it only seemed to make him angrier... and more distant... (and as he never explained, I am still unable to do anything more than guess at what he might have been seeing)...
Then I heard his voice change... and then came the beginning of a sentence I couldnt bear to hear the end of...
'I cant do...'
His voice was so quiet... and distant... and resigned... and defeated... and cold...
I have a good idea of how that sentence was going to end, but I will never know for sure... Because I cut him off before he could finish it... I felt this wave of terror wash over me... And I just couldnt force myself to remain calm and to breathe through that terror anymore... The logic I always use to talk myself down, through the most frightening moments of my life, just wasnt enough... I had passed the point where I could even think anymore...
I ran...
I couldnt breathe... I disappeared, screaming and frantic, deep inside of myself... And from somewhere that seemed so far away and unreal... from somewhere I couldnt touch or be touched... I heard myself spit out the words 'You know what?! You are right... Im not doing this anymore... Im done... Its over...' and then I hung up the phone...
My voice sounded so cold... :'(
So unlike ME... So UNLIKE anything I was TRULY feeling inside...
I had gone... I couldnt touch 'Me' anymore... And I couldnt make myself heard above this split off part of me that had stepped in to protect me from....... Oh god, even now, I cant bring myself to write, in words, what I was afraid he was going to say and what that was going to do to 'Us'... :'(
I cant believe that this all happened only as recently as the very early hours of Tuesday morning... It feels like so much longer than that... It feels like weeks, possibly even months... since I heard his voice... since I felt him... since he loved me...
He spoke so often of having realised his mistake after the first time he walked away from me... He promised me he would never walk away from me again... He asked me to marry him... To move in with him (despite powerful, residual fears he had left over from his marriage)... He spoke of the two of us creating a perfect family together... Of how completely invested in 'Us' he was; that there was no part of him that had any doubts about us and no part of his heart that didnt belong to me... completely...
He told me he knew that I truly was his 'One'... And that he loved me so much... That he wanted to grow old with me... He told me he wanted forever with me...
And yet... after I hung up the phone... the ONLY thing he did was block me on both of the facebook accounts we were connected on :'(
That was it...
No call... No text... Nothing...
He didnt even try to fight :'(
As the words came flying out of my mouth on the phone that night, I had wished, with everything inside of me, that I could stop them... (Yes, the words were true of that one brief split second in time - I really couldnt take any more at that very moment... BUT... they were NOT true of how I felt about our relationship... I was (and still am) willing to face down anything and to work through everything)...I wished that he wasnt about to say the words I couldnt bear to hear... And that if he was, that I had the courage to face them...
I wished that he had interrupted me (the same way that I had interrupted him only seconds before) and at least tried to stop the words that I couldnt stop from coming out of my mouth... Screamed out 'NOOOO!' himself... Anything!
I would have listened...
Inside, I was screaming and crying and begging him to stop what I couldnt at that moment... I was willing to face anything, no matter how painful... And, god help me... I still AM... :'(
BECAUSE THAT IS HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM! :'(
I never said I was 'done' in the hope or belief that he would come chasing after me... I never said it in the hope of getting him to see things my way...
I said it from a place of feeling like I was about to (literally) lose my mind... I said it from a place inside of myself where I truly couldnt take hearing the words I was so terrified I was about to hear and still survive... I said it from a place where my mind had stepped in to protect me, in such a powerful way, that it had taken away from me, my power to stop me from saying those words... My mind protected me when I refused to; when I wanted to pay whatever emotional price was necessary to save 'Us'...
It is so stupid... I should have been able to 'stay' and hear them (even if he was going so say what I feared he was)... They are just WORDS!
But thats just it...
I LOVE HIM! :'(
And it is loving him that gives those 'just words' the potential power of life and death... I dont know what is worse... That those words could have come from him... Or that they came from me... Not based upon what I wanted... but because I was so afraid and just couldnt bear to hear them... :'(
There has to be a way to fix this... I want to fix this... But how?
How, when his complete silence seems to (but maybe I am wrong?) have made it so abundantly clear that he doesnt love me (anymore?) and that he doesnt want me back? and is possibly even relieved that I am gone?
Is his silence, self-preservation; severing all contact with me because he loves me too much to be able to handle the pain and is too afraid of reaching out in case I reject him? Or is his silence, simply grateful acceptance of our relationship being over, which is what he wanted anyway?
I really just dont know...
I know that I love him enough to reach out and to risk that rejection...
I also know that I love him enough to risk the fragile hold I currently have on my sanity, to find out and to do whatever I have the power to do to potentially make this relationship work...
That scares the hell out of me!
But if I know all of these things... And I do...........
Well... Maybe I just... should?
06/07/2011
Coming Home... At Last :'(
I dont even know where to begin right now...
Once again, I find myself completely overwhelmed by how much there is inside of me screaming to get out...
I feel sad... I feel angry... I feel hurt... I feel afraid... I feel like I am losing my mind...
I feel nothing
GOD! Why is this so HARD?! :'(
Once again, I find myself completely overwhelmed by how much there is inside of me screaming to get out...
I feel sad... I feel angry... I feel hurt... I feel afraid... I feel like I am losing my mind...
I feel nothing
GOD! Why is this so HARD?! :'(
25/06/2011
Fulfilling a promise I made to myself... sort of...
Ok, so here it is...
Officially I suppose this counts as a journal entry... Well, in that I am technically writing in here... :/
Now the big question is: How do I find a way to get past what keeps stopping me from coming in here?
Baby steps perhaps??? (This inane 'non-entry' entry being one of them obviously)...
I
have so much going on in my head and in my heart lately... But
everything is so huge... And there is so much of it... I am afraid that
if I even begin to address any of it in here, I wont be able to contain it anymore (evidenced by the fact that even without journalling, I am, at times, failing to contain it already)...
You know... Even though facebook is really not the place I want to be venting, for so many reasons... There really is a certain comfort I have come to derive from the 420 character limit placed on statuses... Although it frustrates me so much at times, it does force me to be concise... And because of who those statuses are visible to and often, the timing of their release, I also find myself having to quite heavily encrypt them... Lately, that kind of containment has been literally lifesaving...
So... Here I am... Trying so hard to come back home... *sigh*
Another
question before me is: Being that so many people from my old facebook
account have had access to this link, is a part of 'coming home' going
to require me to move this journal to yet another new location so that I can feel safe in here again? OR... Is part of what I need to face and own; the very reason I began this journal and the reason it provides me with the catharsis it does, the courage to say all of what is inside of me regardless?
There are times that that kind of honesty could cost me everything... :(
I
can see I still have a lot of thinking to do... But I am proud and
relieved that I have at least taken this first step toward coming home properly, today...
28/04/2011
So afraid...
Oh god, I dont know if I can do this; face writing in here again, especially right now... :(
I am so sick... And I am so afraid...
I had no idea until tonight just how sick I really still am...
My mind has, once again, become frighteningly adept at hiding everything about itself and all of its machinations, in plain sight...
I knew that I was losing my assuredness and the feeling of authenticity I have when I am operating from my most integrated self... But I thought it was just stress... I thought that it was the bipolar... I didnt think it was the D.I.D acting up again!
You know what? Im really not ready to do this afterall... Not yet...
Current Mood: Terrified... Angry... Betrayed... Helpless... Resisting the urge to destroy everything 'real' and every 'real' connection in my life... Resisting the urge to RUN... :'(
Current Music: Screaming in my head and inside of my bones... And the cries of all who scream within me, tearing me apart as I do everything I possibly can to hold the shattering fragments of myself together long enough to fix this mess, (even though I am fast forgetting why I even want to), as everything fades faster and faster toward black and the 'Nothing'...
Where the FUCK is MY voice in all of this chaos????? *screams into the abyss*
I am so sick... And I am so afraid...
I had no idea until tonight just how sick I really still am...
My mind has, once again, become frighteningly adept at hiding everything about itself and all of its machinations, in plain sight...
I knew that I was losing my assuredness and the feeling of authenticity I have when I am operating from my most integrated self... But I thought it was just stress... I thought that it was the bipolar... I didnt think it was the D.I.D acting up again!
You know what? Im really not ready to do this afterall... Not yet...
Current Mood: Terrified... Angry... Betrayed... Helpless... Resisting the urge to destroy everything 'real' and every 'real' connection in my life... Resisting the urge to RUN... :'(
Current Music: Screaming in my head and inside of my bones... And the cries of all who scream within me, tearing me apart as I do everything I possibly can to hold the shattering fragments of myself together long enough to fix this mess, (even though I am fast forgetting why I even want to), as everything fades faster and faster toward black and the 'Nothing'...
Where the FUCK is MY voice in all of this chaos????? *screams into the abyss*
Beginning Again...
After
months of screaming out heavily censored fragments of my pain on
facebook, I have finally found the courage to come 'home'...
I hope...
But where to begin? How to begin? God! This is so hard...
Ok...
So... I have a Boy... A Boy I am frighteningly connected too... A Boy I think I might actually Love (yes, I capitalised the 'L' for a reason)...
I knew I could love... And I most certainly do 'love' him... What I didnt know, was that I might ever be able to Love again...
I am terrified! I feel so vulnerable... Right now, even the slightest possibly disapproving glance or questionable intonation in his voice has the power to reduce me to an anxiety-ridden, terrified mess inside! I find myself in tears at the thought of having to leave his side to come back to Adelaide... real... deeply connected... not-even-a-little-bit-detached... TEARS! When he approves of me or of something I have done or achieved, my heart soars! When I think of him, I cant help but smile... I actually want him to touch me... I want him to look me directly in the eyes and see ME... The whole of me... All of the time!
How did this happen?!
How... after all I have been through... after all of the damage... and despite the dissociation that even often effects my relationship with my daughters... How has this man... this person who is not dependant on me for his survival (and so therefor not a crucial element that I have to fight to emotionally connect with and stay connected to)... How on earth has he slipped through a net of such intricately designed defense mechanisms that even I, myself, have not yet been able to penetrate and shut down at will?!
How has this man gotten under my skin and into my heart?
And... With the exception of understanding how, so that I can replicate it at will, primarily for the benefit of my daughters... Do I really even care? And that is something I find even scarier! I... really... dont... care! I want this...
I want this enough to breathe my way through the terror when it hits, every time it hits... I want this enough to, not just step, but leap (and so far), blindfolded, outside of my comfort zone... I want his enough to keep forcing myself to just 'be', no matter what... I want this enough to, once again, allow my life to simply unfold... without guarantees... without being able to look into the future and assess the likely outcome before moving forward... without staying detached and in doing so, remaining in rigid control...
I want this enough to trust him (and it) again...
Since his reappearance in my life, I have found my emotions have taken on a razor sharp edge... Pain really hurts again... And love and happiness are the best feelings in the world... Yes, a small part of this has coincided with no longer being medicated for bipolar... But I believe it is much more than that too... So much more...
One of the amazing side-effects of this new way of being for me, is that I find myself increasingly unable to continue living a life which, whilst providing for my needs financially, has been destroying me inside... I have no idea of what I am going to do or of how I am going to cope financially without it... I just know that I am fast reaching the point where I simply cannot even force myself to do it anymore... Its terrifying... But on some level it is also such a relief, because all the while I could find a way to keep doing it, I couldnt stop... I just couldnt put myself first like that... And although I will never say I have done this because of my daughters... I have done it for them on many levels...
This entry, isnt even close to being finished, but I am absolutely exhausted... So I am going to go and do what I need to do for me right now... I am going to go and try to sleep again...
I really hope that I will have the courage to come back here again very soon... And that I will also be able to find the courage I need to finally begin to say the things I really want to say in here...
I hope...
But where to begin? How to begin? God! This is so hard...
Ok...
So... I have a Boy... A Boy I am frighteningly connected too... A Boy I think I might actually Love (yes, I capitalised the 'L' for a reason)...
I knew I could love... And I most certainly do 'love' him... What I didnt know, was that I might ever be able to Love again...
I am terrified! I feel so vulnerable... Right now, even the slightest possibly disapproving glance or questionable intonation in his voice has the power to reduce me to an anxiety-ridden, terrified mess inside! I find myself in tears at the thought of having to leave his side to come back to Adelaide... real... deeply connected... not-even-a-little-bit-detached... TEARS! When he approves of me or of something I have done or achieved, my heart soars! When I think of him, I cant help but smile... I actually want him to touch me... I want him to look me directly in the eyes and see ME... The whole of me... All of the time!
How did this happen?!
How... after all I have been through... after all of the damage... and despite the dissociation that even often effects my relationship with my daughters... How has this man... this person who is not dependant on me for his survival (and so therefor not a crucial element that I have to fight to emotionally connect with and stay connected to)... How on earth has he slipped through a net of such intricately designed defense mechanisms that even I, myself, have not yet been able to penetrate and shut down at will?!
How has this man gotten under my skin and into my heart?
And... With the exception of understanding how, so that I can replicate it at will, primarily for the benefit of my daughters... Do I really even care? And that is something I find even scarier! I... really... dont... care! I want this...
I want this enough to breathe my way through the terror when it hits, every time it hits... I want this enough to, not just step, but leap (and so far), blindfolded, outside of my comfort zone... I want his enough to keep forcing myself to just 'be', no matter what... I want this enough to, once again, allow my life to simply unfold... without guarantees... without being able to look into the future and assess the likely outcome before moving forward... without staying detached and in doing so, remaining in rigid control...
I want this enough to trust him (and it) again...
Since his reappearance in my life, I have found my emotions have taken on a razor sharp edge... Pain really hurts again... And love and happiness are the best feelings in the world... Yes, a small part of this has coincided with no longer being medicated for bipolar... But I believe it is much more than that too... So much more...
One of the amazing side-effects of this new way of being for me, is that I find myself increasingly unable to continue living a life which, whilst providing for my needs financially, has been destroying me inside... I have no idea of what I am going to do or of how I am going to cope financially without it... I just know that I am fast reaching the point where I simply cannot even force myself to do it anymore... Its terrifying... But on some level it is also such a relief, because all the while I could find a way to keep doing it, I couldnt stop... I just couldnt put myself first like that... And although I will never say I have done this because of my daughters... I have done it for them on many levels...
This entry, isnt even close to being finished, but I am absolutely exhausted... So I am going to go and do what I need to do for me right now... I am going to go and try to sleep again...
I really hope that I will have the courage to come back here again very soon... And that I will also be able to find the courage I need to finally begin to say the things I really want to say in here...
No comments:
Post a Comment