An update of sorts I guess...

A lot has been happening lately...

I have been doing my best to keep from drowning in all that is going on and to be honest, I am pretty impressed with myself. I am achieving what, quite frankly, should be impossible.

It has now been over six months since I last saw my youngest daughter. I am surviving this.

I am still here... I am still breathing... I am still me

I am far from okay... but I am here... and I look okay

I am approaching the end of my college studies; another long, hard fought battle... but once again... I am doing it

I have a partner. He is pretty wonderful in a lot of ways I never thought I would ever find. I still feel very alone; some of which is alone in our relationship, most of which is external to that. We are working on it.

I have been finding my way back to my music. It is a fragile beginning but I am feeling the stirrings of a wish to return to playing and learning once more, so I am following these urges as gently and as cautiously as I can... lest I scare them away

Artistically, I am in and out.

I have a hell of a lot going on though and I am not really in a place where it is safe emotionally, which means that being artistically blocked is not surprising... the fact I have been able to produce any art at all is nothing short of a miracle!

In general, I feel empty and lost. I am often suicidal but not acting on those thoughts and feelings.

On multiple occasions I have been put in unfair and/or unsafe situations and I have actually broken through the fear and the paralysis and stood up for myself. Previously, this has been unheard of in my life. I am proud of myself for this; intensely proud... and I deserve to be; I have worked incredibly hard to achieve this.

The results of having stood up for myself have varied but my resolve has not... Again, I am proud of myself for this.

I will be honest... I truly see no point to anything. This is not an existential crisis, this is reality.

I don't know where I go from here with any sense of purpose...

I'll keep moving forward of course; it's what I do... but one day I'd like to actually want to

A promise to Myself and to my other selves too

Today, I make this pact with Myself and with all of my other selves too...

I promise to do what I can to honour the capabilities and wishes of whichever self (or selves) that I am at any given moment in so far as it is possible...

I promise to try to learn to hear myself more clearly and to do what I can to increase my awareness of the presence of my selves and their needs (and to act on that information when I feel I can)

I will sometimes still need to push myself hard and even attempt to force the presence of other selves who are better equipped to handle certain situations... but... I promise to do this based on need rather than on whim or anger and frustration at being multiple...

We will do better; all of us together

Help Me!

Falling, screaming into the Abyss...

Frantically reaching up toward tendrils of something to help slow my descent... Tendrils made of nothingness that promised to be something but are not...

For the longest time I have held off reality by holding my breath... by carefully dissecting each and every excruciating element until emotion became lost in cold, uncompromising logic...

I only allowed the sunshine in... and even then, only for brief moments lest it light a dark corner and wake a wailing I could not lull back to sleep in time...

I fed hungrily on the sunlight I let in... It sustained me just enough to continue to hold it all in place... the terror... the altered reality... the excruciating pain... the Nothing... the Truth

Today I accidentally gasped...

And now I can't hold anything in place... the screaming inside is deafening and I cannot think... the emptiness drags me faster and faster down into the Abyss... the pain has me trying to crawl out of my skin... and the silence... and the night... and the.........

I hear wailing... I see an unfamiliar face in the mirror... I watch as thoughts race across my mind; bright flashing lights of panic... I try so hard not to give in to urges to run to old refuges  and mindlessness built on foundations of self-inflicted, controllable pain and torment...

The night ahead of me is so very long and quiet... As each moment ticks by, I watch my options for escaping this insanity dwindle as sleep claims those I would reach out to... if only my shame would let me...

My screams are never louder than they are in this last defining moment... There is a frantic edge that demands my attention and I cannot tear my eyes away from the two futures I must now choose from... because this limbo is unsustainable; it cannot last

I want to hold on...

It seemed so easy when I was lifeless; when I couldn't feel...

But all I can do is feel right now and I would do anything; pay any price... just to make it stop!

... or to at least not have to endure it alone

I am so cold... I am in agony... I have nowhere to run...

I am alone

My weekend...

It is with a very full and grateful heart that I sit here journaling tonight...

This weekend has felt like a very long one, full of ups and downs...

I continue to struggle to survive the loss of my youngest daughter...

My Boy continues to love me... We made love and stayed in bed and touched and kissed and slept on and off most of the day today... As he left to go home this afternoon, I struggled to blink back tears; my world feels so empty without him by my side... I struggled to blink back tears again as we said 'goodnight' over the telephone tonight...

A lot of my time is spent trying to blink back tears these days... or at least in the days since Claire left

Last night the Boy and I made Art together... I love making Art with him... We also played an impromptu game of chasey at the park across the road while he caught Pokemon...

I also had the chance to chat to the man who is looking after the girls while their father is on a business trip to Sweden... I'm still not happy that my children are not both with me rather than with their father's brother's brother in law (yup, quite a reach on the definition of family there) but from the impression I got over the phone, this guy probably treats them better and looks after them better than their own father, so I am hoping for the best...

I am learning to breathe my way through the anxiety I have about my relationship with the Boy...

Or perhaps, more to the point, I am learning that breathing through my anxiety about my relationship with the Boy is worth it... He continues to open up bit by bit and more recently, he seems to have begun incorporating Me into his life too...

I have hope... and right now that is a precious thing indeed

I also have Sarah; my eldest daughter... She has come so far and through so much... I am incredibly proud of her... She is now only months away from turning 18... I am watching her begin to grow restless, counting down the months and the days until her legal adulthood and independence... I am doing what I can to instil a sense of confidence in her and about a million last minute lessons (now that she is finally able to see past her own trauma and can process and integrate them)... And I am letting her go... She will always be a part of my heart but it is almost time for her to choose when she wants to hold my hand, rather than me holding her hand and leading her...

It is a deep but clean grief... My little girl is becoming a woman now... Well, it is a little more complicated than that... but it is almost time for me to stand back and watch who she becomes... In some ways I am ready... I only hope that she is too

I think I will leave this entry here tonight... I have more to write about but I am tired and there is nothing pressing left that can't wait until another day...

I like that tonight's entry has not been as heavy as most of my entries have been these past years... Maybe I am finding my way back here successfully after all... Just another reason to be proud of myself and something else to be grateful for I guess...

Goodnight x

A new dawn approaches at last...

We spent the night together at his house last night; the Boy and I...

Something changed again... in a good way

He seemed to be much more communicative... I'm not sure why... All I know is that I am incredibly grateful and it has resulted in my fragile little flicker of hope being fanned into a small flame that I hope will grow brighter and more stable over time

I am so glad that I chose to make the hard decisions even when the world felt so cold and dark and hopeless and lonely... and I had wanted to run so badly

I am grateful to my two Mums (my actual Mum and her partner) for visiting when they did and for providing me a safe place to talk about everything that was on my mind and driving me crazy...

I am proud of myself and grateful to myself for choosing, once again, not to go back to work...

This relationship is both the safest and the scariest relationship I have ever had... It is real... on every level... and I can't control it no matter how hard my instincts kick in... of that I am terrified... and for that I am grateful

There really just might be real hope and a Life left for Me in this world after all

I watch... and I wait... and I cautiously put one foot in front of the other... and... I move forward into a very different, very real future

About the 'Boy'...

So, maybe I should really introduce the 'Boy'...

I wish I could post a photograph of him and I together but out of respect for his privacy, I'm posting this drawing I did for him instead... I had asked him for an Art directive and this is what came out of his 'Create a dragon for me' directive...

This image probably says a whole lot more about how I am feeling than I would like to look at right now... but again, it is honest, and I am striving to stop constantly writing 'there is so much I wish I could say' in this journal... so here it is... open... honest... painfully raw

The Boy himself is genuine and sweet and caring and so incredibly gentle... and even though we have been together for a relatively short time; certainly too short a time for me to be able to say 'I love you' based on surface knowledge of him, I can (and do) say 'I love you' based, in part, on who I know him to be on surface knowledge, but in an even larger part on the essence of who I can feel he is at his core...

Gosh, I wish I could find the words to describe what I am feeling!

A prime example of what I am talking about, which may only ever make sense to me, I don't know, is...

We were chatting in bed one afternoon just before he was about to leave to go home and I mentioned something about sex in which I referred to sex as 'naughty'... I remember him looking me directly in the eyes and saying 'It's not naughty, it's perfectly natural'... I can still feel the impact of those words and of how gentle but genuine and matter of fact he was...

My breath caught in my throat and held for the longest time... I couldn't move... I couldn't look away... I was mesmerised... It was as though the whole world stopped spinning on its axis and time stood completely still...

I felt clean...

The way he looked at me made me feel like he could see through everything I had been through, and past that right to the very core of who I am and that I was safe and accepted and, most of all, seen exactly as I am...

I love that the Boy is a writer too... and an Artist... I love that he craves being creative, the same way that I do.

I love his sense of humour. I love his gentleness of spirit. I love that he loves wearing three piece suits and that even when he dresses casually, he likes to wear a collar and never looks scruffy; he takes pride in his appearance. I love that he treats people with respect and that he quietly and assertively stands his ground and stands up for what he thinks is right.

I love how gently he touches me. I love how gently he speaks to me. I love that he doesn't seem to feel the need to swear. I love that he takes his time and does things at his own pace. I love how he idly touches my skin and that, just like my own inclination (to do the same with him), it is an act of intimacy, rather than a prelude to sex. I love that he makes sex feel truly like making love, because that is what it actually is with him.

I love his smile. I love his quiet little chuckle. I love how beautiful his hands are. I love that we fall asleep holding one another and that we often alternate positions like that in our sleep all night long. I love that holding hands is special to him. I love that he is so traditional and old fashioned in certain ways. I love his gallantry.

I love that sometimes I see him (but he doesn't know that I see him) watching me and that there is a small smile on his lips that reaches his eyes... a look of love and gentle pride

I wish he would share more of his thoughts and feelings with me. I like that I am learning to wait and that I cannot confidently read him at a glance, the way I can with so many people. It frightens me too because I am unable to pre-empt what he wants and what he will like or dislike.

I am not used to having to be spontaneous like this.

I have lived most of my life 'surviving' by being able to pre-empt and meet the needs and wants of the people in my life; particularly past partners. To be honest, I am finding his unpredictability and how unreadable he can be, terrifying... but I am also feeling more connected to him than I have to any other partner I have ever had, and in ways that were impossible until now directly because of this very concept.

When this Boy loves me, it is for reasons beyond my control.

When he is not communicating with me though, it is so much more devastating because I have no way of knowing if I have displeased him, if he is simply taking time for himself, if he is waiting for me to get in touch with him, if there is some need I am not meeting that maybe I should be...

I don't know...

I feel frantic... I feel lost and alone... I feel invisible... I feel as though I have maybe even ceased to exist for him...

My object constancy is not great right now...

I honestly never believed my daughter would betray me the way she has or that I would lose her the way I have... At the very core of my insecurity is the sense that no-one and nothing in this world belongs to me... not even my own body, nor the children I gave birth to from that body

I feel powerless...

I feel empty...

I feel alone...

I believe that if I were not going through all of this with my daughter right now, my feelings of insecurity regarding my relationship with the Boy would be so much less intense.

I know for a fact that I am distracting myself by focussing more on these issues in our relationship than on anything going on with my daughter. I am doing this to survive. It brings me an intermittent relief of sorts but the more attached to him I become, each and every time my insecurity around my relationship with him is triggered, the pain of what is currently happening with my daughter is being brought dangerously closer.

I want desperately to run away but even more desperately, I want to stay and to see where this relationship could lead...

I do love him...

And it is worth it... even if it all blows up in my face... it will still have been worth it

... because for the first time ever in my life, I am not in control of it... and that makes it real

I'm TRYING!!!!

I'm trying...

I'm trying so hard to say what I really think and feel in here; all of it...

How do I do that when so much hangs in the balance so much of the time? And when there is so much information I simply do not have? Or when a perception I have one moment may be so completely altered by Alters the next?

God damn it! I feel so frustrated!

I want to rant about coming second to literally every other activity my current partner could be doing... but this relationship is relatively new and he is a 42 year old online gamer (who has never been married or had any children) who has been single for two years and whose last relationship was an online trans-continent longterm one which he seemed quite happy with... I wish I could speak with some of his past girlfriends so that I could work out if this is his personality or if this is symptomatic of 'he's just not that into you'.

So yeah, I want to say that it hurts like hell and that I want to take back a whole lot of sacrifices and promises I have made (like not going back to work) but what point would that serve, when I could be completely wrong... and when the very next time I see him, I am going to be blindsided by his beautiful boyish heart and his expression of real world feelings that will either leave me resolved to continue in this state of sacrifice and waiting again or leave me even more confused as to what to do because of the mixed messages I keep getting from him...

He is so very close to being perfect for me...

It makes me sad that I spend every day grateful that he has not proposed marriage because I would find myself saying 'yes' for so many reasons but (if nothing changes), living miserably ever after... It makes no sense to me because I never want to get married again... ever! Yet the core of who he is, draws me irresistibly toward him... and I find myself craving being tied to him in this way and even making a life and a family with him (despite no longer being able to have children)...

What I really want is to sit down with him and to talk with him about all of this in such a way that I am asking questions about who he is and what he wants but I am constantly so close to tears over this that I am no longer in a position to be able to do that without it becoming a 'thing'...

I honestly don't want (and cannot feel secure in) anything that does not truly belong to me... Not being able to hold back tears would put an emotional weight on the questions, which would make it impossible for me to know whether he was feeling pressured and compromising or whether he was expressing his true wishes...

I wouldn't know how to trust an answer like that...

So where to from here?

Suffering in silence isn't sustainable...

Leaving the relationship is both not something I want to do at all and I am certainly not anywhere near ready to anyway... It would be outright stupidity, particularly as we have not even sat down and chatted about any of these potentially easily fixable issues.

Repressing all of this hurt and anger is seriously damaging me though... I need to find my way back... to a lot of things... including my confidence and a feeling of equilibrium... I am dying

I want this to work... The way things currently are, this is not working... How do I create an environment in which I can have this conversation without bursting in to tears?! And being that he seems happy with the way things are, he's not going to bring it up... Only I have the power to say something that might potentially initiate a shift that could make this a relationship that could work for both of us.

Why does everything have to be so bloody hard?! :'(

And why does even this entry feel forced and trite?! *screams in frustration*

Ah, I know what it is... the deepest truth in all of this is missing; my real fear

I am afraid that the only time I am (in his mind) worthy of his full attention, is when I am something he can show off to other people as a sign of his idea of success in life or when he is needing an ego boost or wanting physical affection... I am afraid that I am little more than an amusing vehicle through which his needs can be fulfilled but who is not worthy of worship and being wanted in her own right.

It is a theme that runs so very intensely throughout my life... Usable but not truly wanted... As a mother... as a wife... as a lover... as a person

Is this all I am to him? (whether he is consciously aware of it or not)

When he said (in reference to something that had nothing to do with relationships) 'I like a bit of it but too much is a turn off'... was that also true of everything in his life??? Is that how he feels about Me too???

This entry is no longer trite and forced... It is, however, now excruciatingly honest and I am in far too much pain already to be able to sit with this question hanging over my head for very much longer

Do I deflect and distract? Or do I take aim and fire the shot that could potentially (fix or) end it all???

I just do not know...

Update...

Once again, so much time has passed since I wrote in here regularly...

Lifetimes upon lifetimes have been lived... and here I stand... still alive... still screaming... and even more unbreakable than ever...

I look at these words and they sound so trite as I read them back to myself...

Such pretty words bely how horrific and how joyous this past year (and the year before that) has been...

Why is it that I feel so stuck tonight? There is so much I want to say, yet I remain, apparently, mute...

There is always so much I want to say...

I wonder what would happen if, instead of saying, 'there is so much I want to say', I actually said what I wanted to say... Could I actually do that? Could I really stop skirting around the issues and find the courage to finally come out and say precisely what I want to say???

Maybe, after over ten years of journaling online, I am finally ready to do just that...

Maybe it is time.........

The question now is: What do I want to say in here tonight???

I think I will try starting light...

I am brunette again

This photograph is recent but since then I have cut myself a fringe again and I have put a purple rinse through my hair too.

I like being brunette right now. I think that there is every chance that this change came just in time to save my sanity. I didn't know that I was going to lose my youngest daughter. I do know that I feel stronger and that I can channel the angrier parts of myself (which keep me safe because the anger deflects from the excruciating pain underneath the anger) and that being able to do this and being able to hold this position indefinitely, well... it is very likely, literally saving my life.

I do not know for how much longer I will remain brunette... I am not ready to be blonde again just yet though... I will trust my gut and I will wait.

This entry is frustrating me. I want to end it and begin again. I don't know if that will be tonight or another day... but I will be back... and I will keep coming back until I have finally said all that I want to say.

I am afraid... but I am also ready

It really is time...

I am her Mother...

It is the dead of night...

The whole world is asleep and once more, my demons loom large and menacing

So much hangs in the balance...

So much depends on my being able to breathe my way, once more, through the madness... through the desire to bring about the end of the world... through demands for blood and vengeance of the screaming, clawing banshee inside of me

The 'Nothing' beckons... promising a peace that transcends the chaos inside of me... a peace in which there exists a silence that drowns out the 'Everything' that is Life

It is silent in the world outside of my mind, save the chortling of night birds, whose song promises a sunrise that never comes.

I feel rage stirring inside of me.

For the first time in all of the years I have been listening to them, I wish them gone. Their madness does not bring me comfort tonight. No, tonight they are mocking me and I want to blow them up from the inside with my thoughts.

I want to bring the silence!

In the back of my mind, I hear the ticking of an imaginary clock...

*tick*            *tock*    *tick*            *tock*              *tick*            *tock*     *tick* *tock*

       *tick*            *tock*         *tick*            *tock*  *tick*              *tock* *tick*                *tock*

  *tick*         *tock*        *tick*           *tock*                 *tick*                  *tock*  *tick*            *tock*  

*tick*            *tock*              *tick*            *tock*     *tick* *tock*       *tick*            *tock*        

*tick*            *tock*                 *tick*            *tock*        *tick*                *tock*

                 *tick*                                             *tock*

Relentlessly, it counts out the seconds... the minutes... the hours... the days... the months...

How long have I been holding my breath for now?

How long has it been since I last saw my daughter? Heard her laugh? Touched her skin? Whispered 'I love you forever' to her in the middle of the night?

The writhing inside becomes more frantic as, incredulously, I wonder how this situation could possibly even have come to be...

Desperate plans form and then dissipate like mist as I pick them apart, looking for flaws and imperfections...

I will find a way...

I will bring her back to me...

But it will not be tonight... or tomorrow either

The pain is unbearable...

A mother's heart; ripped mercilessly apart by vultures...

A child sits among the torn fibres......... smiling??? playing in her mother's blood???

The most painful question... the only one which truly has the power to tear apart the last soft and trusting parts of me...

Is my daughter a heartless sociopath, feeding on my pain?

And there it is... the end

For how much longer I will be able to hold my breath... to calm the insanity... to wait out this hell in deep and measured silence... I honestly do not know...

The pain, I will endure... I will survive it whether I want to or not; I know this is true...

But will I slay the beast? Will I sever the necrotic limb? Will I cut off its head and bury it in the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind?

Or...

Will I continue to love and nurse it back to health, watching it devour me until I simply am no longer?

The answer seems simple... but this is my child

This screaming, clawing, seemingly soul-less, cold, destructive mess... is... my... daughter

... And I am her Mother

There is no coming back from that...

I... am... her... Mother.

Coming home again...

I have wanted to return to this blog for the longest time...

So much has happened

I am not quite ready to write properly in here yet... but very soon, I will come home.

I am just hoping that putting up this almost pointless entry helps me to 'break the ice'...

If you believe, then please pray for me... I certainly need it x