I'm trying...
I'm trying so hard to say what I really think and feel in here; all of it...
How do I do that when so much hangs in the balance so much of the time? And when there is so much information I simply do not have? Or when a perception I have one moment may be so completely altered by Alters the next?
God damn it! I feel so frustrated!
I want to rant about coming second to literally every other activity my current partner could be doing... but this relationship is relatively new and he is a 42 year old online gamer (who has never been married or had any children) who has been single for two years and whose last relationship was an online trans-continent longterm one which he seemed quite happy with... I wish I could speak with some of his past girlfriends so that I could work out if this is his personality or if this is symptomatic of 'he's just not that into you'.
So yeah, I want to say that it hurts like hell and that I want to take back a whole lot of sacrifices and promises I have made (like not going back to work) but what point would that serve, when I could be completely wrong... and when the very next time I see him, I am going to be blindsided by his beautiful boyish heart and his expression of real world feelings that will either leave me resolved to continue in this state of sacrifice and waiting again or leave me even more confused as to what to do because of the mixed messages I keep getting from him...
He is so very close to being perfect for me...
It makes me sad that I spend every day grateful that he has not proposed marriage because I would find myself saying 'yes' for so many reasons but (if nothing changes), living miserably ever after... It makes no sense to me because I never want to get married again... ever! Yet the core of who he is, draws me irresistibly toward him... and I find myself craving being tied to him in this way and even making a life and a family with him (despite no longer being able to have children)...
What I really want is to sit down with him and to talk with him about all of this in such a way that I am asking questions about who he is and what he wants but I am constantly so close to tears over this that I am no longer in a position to be able to do that without it becoming a 'thing'...
I honestly don't want (and cannot feel secure in) anything that does not truly belong to me... Not being able to hold back tears would put an emotional weight on the questions, which would make it impossible for me to know whether he was feeling pressured and compromising or whether he was expressing his true wishes...
I wouldn't know how to trust an answer like that...
So where to from here?
Suffering in silence isn't sustainable...
Leaving the relationship is both not something I want to do at all and I am certainly not anywhere near ready to anyway... It would be outright stupidity, particularly as we have not even sat down and chatted about any of these potentially easily fixable issues.
Repressing all of this hurt and anger is seriously damaging me though... I need to find my way back... to a lot of things... including my confidence and a feeling of equilibrium... I am dying
I want this to work... The way things currently are, this is not working... How do I create an environment in which I can have this conversation without bursting in to tears?! And being that he seems happy with the way things are, he's not going to bring it up... Only I have the power to say something that might potentially initiate a shift that could make this a relationship that could work for both of us.
Why does everything have to be so bloody hard?! :'(
And why does even this entry feel forced and trite?! *screams in frustration*
Ah, I know what it is... the deepest truth in all of this is missing; my real fear
I am afraid that the only time I am (in his mind) worthy of his full attention, is when I am something he can show off to other people as a sign of his idea of success in life or when he is needing an ego boost or wanting physical affection... I am afraid that I am little more than an amusing vehicle through which his needs can be fulfilled but who is not worthy of worship and being wanted in her own right.
It is a theme that runs so very intensely throughout my life... Usable but not truly wanted... As a mother... as a wife... as a lover... as a person
Is this all I am to him? (whether he is consciously aware of it or not)
When he said (in reference to something that had nothing to do with relationships) 'I like a bit of it but too much is a turn off'... was that also true of everything in his life??? Is that how he feels about Me too???
This entry is no longer trite and forced... It is, however, now excruciatingly honest and I am in far too much pain already to be able to sit with this question hanging over my head for very much longer
Do I deflect and distract? Or do I take aim and fire the shot that could potentially (fix or) end it all???
I just do not know...
I'm trying so hard to say what I really think and feel in here; all of it...
How do I do that when so much hangs in the balance so much of the time? And when there is so much information I simply do not have? Or when a perception I have one moment may be so completely altered by Alters the next?
God damn it! I feel so frustrated!
I want to rant about coming second to literally every other activity my current partner could be doing... but this relationship is relatively new and he is a 42 year old online gamer (who has never been married or had any children) who has been single for two years and whose last relationship was an online trans-continent longterm one which he seemed quite happy with... I wish I could speak with some of his past girlfriends so that I could work out if this is his personality or if this is symptomatic of 'he's just not that into you'.
So yeah, I want to say that it hurts like hell and that I want to take back a whole lot of sacrifices and promises I have made (like not going back to work) but what point would that serve, when I could be completely wrong... and when the very next time I see him, I am going to be blindsided by his beautiful boyish heart and his expression of real world feelings that will either leave me resolved to continue in this state of sacrifice and waiting again or leave me even more confused as to what to do because of the mixed messages I keep getting from him...
He is so very close to being perfect for me...
It makes me sad that I spend every day grateful that he has not proposed marriage because I would find myself saying 'yes' for so many reasons but (if nothing changes), living miserably ever after... It makes no sense to me because I never want to get married again... ever! Yet the core of who he is, draws me irresistibly toward him... and I find myself craving being tied to him in this way and even making a life and a family with him (despite no longer being able to have children)...
What I really want is to sit down with him and to talk with him about all of this in such a way that I am asking questions about who he is and what he wants but I am constantly so close to tears over this that I am no longer in a position to be able to do that without it becoming a 'thing'...
I honestly don't want (and cannot feel secure in) anything that does not truly belong to me... Not being able to hold back tears would put an emotional weight on the questions, which would make it impossible for me to know whether he was feeling pressured and compromising or whether he was expressing his true wishes...
I wouldn't know how to trust an answer like that...
So where to from here?
Suffering in silence isn't sustainable...
Leaving the relationship is both not something I want to do at all and I am certainly not anywhere near ready to anyway... It would be outright stupidity, particularly as we have not even sat down and chatted about any of these potentially easily fixable issues.
Repressing all of this hurt and anger is seriously damaging me though... I need to find my way back... to a lot of things... including my confidence and a feeling of equilibrium... I am dying
I want this to work... The way things currently are, this is not working... How do I create an environment in which I can have this conversation without bursting in to tears?! And being that he seems happy with the way things are, he's not going to bring it up... Only I have the power to say something that might potentially initiate a shift that could make this a relationship that could work for both of us.
Why does everything have to be so bloody hard?! :'(
And why does even this entry feel forced and trite?! *screams in frustration*
Ah, I know what it is... the deepest truth in all of this is missing; my real fear
I am afraid that the only time I am (in his mind) worthy of his full attention, is when I am something he can show off to other people as a sign of his idea of success in life or when he is needing an ego boost or wanting physical affection... I am afraid that I am little more than an amusing vehicle through which his needs can be fulfilled but who is not worthy of worship and being wanted in her own right.
It is a theme that runs so very intensely throughout my life... Usable but not truly wanted... As a mother... as a wife... as a lover... as a person
Is this all I am to him? (whether he is consciously aware of it or not)
When he said (in reference to something that had nothing to do with relationships) 'I like a bit of it but too much is a turn off'... was that also true of everything in his life??? Is that how he feels about Me too???
This entry is no longer trite and forced... It is, however, now excruciatingly honest and I am in far too much pain already to be able to sit with this question hanging over my head for very much longer
Do I deflect and distract? Or do I take aim and fire the shot that could potentially (fix or) end it all???
I just do not know...
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