It is with a very full and grateful heart that I sit here journaling tonight...
This weekend has felt like a very long one, full of ups and downs...
I continue to struggle to survive the loss of my youngest daughter...
My Boy continues to love me... We made love and stayed in bed and touched and kissed and slept on and off most of the day today... As he left to go home this afternoon, I struggled to blink back tears; my world feels so empty without him by my side... I struggled to blink back tears again as we said 'goodnight' over the telephone tonight...
A lot of my time is spent trying to blink back tears these days... or at least in the days since Claire left
Last night the Boy and I made Art together... I love making Art with him... We also played an impromptu game of chasey at the park across the road while he caught Pokemon...
I also had the chance to chat to the man who is looking after the girls while their father is on a business trip to Sweden... I'm still not happy that my children are not both with me rather than with their father's brother's brother in law (yup, quite a reach on the definition of family there) but from the impression I got over the phone, this guy probably treats them better and looks after them better than their own father, so I am hoping for the best...
I am learning to breathe my way through the anxiety I have about my relationship with the Boy...
Or perhaps, more to the point, I am learning that breathing through my anxiety about my relationship with the Boy is worth it... He continues to open up bit by bit and more recently, he seems to have begun incorporating Me into his life too...
I have hope... and right now that is a precious thing indeed
I also have Sarah; my eldest daughter... She has come so far and through so much... I am incredibly proud of her... She is now only months away from turning 18... I am watching her begin to grow restless, counting down the months and the days until her legal adulthood and independence... I am doing what I can to instil a sense of confidence in her and about a million last minute lessons (now that she is finally able to see past her own trauma and can process and integrate them)... And I am letting her go... She will always be a part of my heart but it is almost time for her to choose when she wants to hold my hand, rather than me holding her hand and leading her...
It is a deep but clean grief... My little girl is becoming a woman now... Well, it is a little more complicated than that... but it is almost time for me to stand back and watch who she becomes... In some ways I am ready... I only hope that she is too
I think I will leave this entry here tonight... I have more to write about but I am tired and there is nothing pressing left that can't wait until another day...
I like that tonight's entry has not been as heavy as most of my entries have been these past years... Maybe I am finding my way back here successfully after all... Just another reason to be proud of myself and something else to be grateful for I guess...
Goodnight x
This weekend has felt like a very long one, full of ups and downs...
I continue to struggle to survive the loss of my youngest daughter...
My Boy continues to love me... We made love and stayed in bed and touched and kissed and slept on and off most of the day today... As he left to go home this afternoon, I struggled to blink back tears; my world feels so empty without him by my side... I struggled to blink back tears again as we said 'goodnight' over the telephone tonight...
A lot of my time is spent trying to blink back tears these days... or at least in the days since Claire left
Last night the Boy and I made Art together... I love making Art with him... We also played an impromptu game of chasey at the park across the road while he caught Pokemon...
I also had the chance to chat to the man who is looking after the girls while their father is on a business trip to Sweden... I'm still not happy that my children are not both with me rather than with their father's brother's brother in law (yup, quite a reach on the definition of family there) but from the impression I got over the phone, this guy probably treats them better and looks after them better than their own father, so I am hoping for the best...
I am learning to breathe my way through the anxiety I have about my relationship with the Boy...
Or perhaps, more to the point, I am learning that breathing through my anxiety about my relationship with the Boy is worth it... He continues to open up bit by bit and more recently, he seems to have begun incorporating Me into his life too...
I have hope... and right now that is a precious thing indeed
I also have Sarah; my eldest daughter... She has come so far and through so much... I am incredibly proud of her... She is now only months away from turning 18... I am watching her begin to grow restless, counting down the months and the days until her legal adulthood and independence... I am doing what I can to instil a sense of confidence in her and about a million last minute lessons (now that she is finally able to see past her own trauma and can process and integrate them)... And I am letting her go... She will always be a part of my heart but it is almost time for her to choose when she wants to hold my hand, rather than me holding her hand and leading her...
It is a deep but clean grief... My little girl is becoming a woman now... Well, it is a little more complicated than that... but it is almost time for me to stand back and watch who she becomes... In some ways I am ready... I only hope that she is too
I think I will leave this entry here tonight... I have more to write about but I am tired and there is nothing pressing left that can't wait until another day...
I like that tonight's entry has not been as heavy as most of my entries have been these past years... Maybe I am finding my way back here successfully after all... Just another reason to be proud of myself and something else to be grateful for I guess...
Goodnight x
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