Update...

Once again, so much time has passed since I wrote in here regularly...

Lifetimes upon lifetimes have been lived... and here I stand... still alive... still screaming... and even more unbreakable than ever...

I look at these words and they sound so trite as I read them back to myself...

Such pretty words bely how horrific and how joyous this past year (and the year before that) has been...

Why is it that I feel so stuck tonight? There is so much I want to say, yet I remain, apparently, mute...

There is always so much I want to say...

I wonder what would happen if, instead of saying, 'there is so much I want to say', I actually said what I wanted to say... Could I actually do that? Could I really stop skirting around the issues and find the courage to finally come out and say precisely what I want to say???

Maybe, after over ten years of journaling online, I am finally ready to do just that...

Maybe it is time.........

The question now is: What do I want to say in here tonight???

I think I will try starting light...

I am brunette again

This photograph is recent but since then I have cut myself a fringe again and I have put a purple rinse through my hair too.

I like being brunette right now. I think that there is every chance that this change came just in time to save my sanity. I didn't know that I was going to lose my youngest daughter. I do know that I feel stronger and that I can channel the angrier parts of myself (which keep me safe because the anger deflects from the excruciating pain underneath the anger) and that being able to do this and being able to hold this position indefinitely, well... it is very likely, literally saving my life.

I do not know for how much longer I will remain brunette... I am not ready to be blonde again just yet though... I will trust my gut and I will wait.

This entry is frustrating me. I want to end it and begin again. I don't know if that will be tonight or another day... but I will be back... and I will keep coming back until I have finally said all that I want to say.

I am afraid... but I am also ready

It really is time...