About the 'Boy'...

So, maybe I should really introduce the 'Boy'...

I wish I could post a photograph of him and I together but out of respect for his privacy, I'm posting this drawing I did for him instead... I had asked him for an Art directive and this is what came out of his 'Create a dragon for me' directive...

This image probably says a whole lot more about how I am feeling than I would like to look at right now... but again, it is honest, and I am striving to stop constantly writing 'there is so much I wish I could say' in this journal... so here it is... open... honest... painfully raw

The Boy himself is genuine and sweet and caring and so incredibly gentle... and even though we have been together for a relatively short time; certainly too short a time for me to be able to say 'I love you' based on surface knowledge of him, I can (and do) say 'I love you' based, in part, on who I know him to be on surface knowledge, but in an even larger part on the essence of who I can feel he is at his core...

Gosh, I wish I could find the words to describe what I am feeling!

A prime example of what I am talking about, which may only ever make sense to me, I don't know, is...

We were chatting in bed one afternoon just before he was about to leave to go home and I mentioned something about sex in which I referred to sex as 'naughty'... I remember him looking me directly in the eyes and saying 'It's not naughty, it's perfectly natural'... I can still feel the impact of those words and of how gentle but genuine and matter of fact he was...

My breath caught in my throat and held for the longest time... I couldn't move... I couldn't look away... I was mesmerised... It was as though the whole world stopped spinning on its axis and time stood completely still...

I felt clean...

The way he looked at me made me feel like he could see through everything I had been through, and past that right to the very core of who I am and that I was safe and accepted and, most of all, seen exactly as I am...

I love that the Boy is a writer too... and an Artist... I love that he craves being creative, the same way that I do.

I love his sense of humour. I love his gentleness of spirit. I love that he loves wearing three piece suits and that even when he dresses casually, he likes to wear a collar and never looks scruffy; he takes pride in his appearance. I love that he treats people with respect and that he quietly and assertively stands his ground and stands up for what he thinks is right.

I love how gently he touches me. I love how gently he speaks to me. I love that he doesn't seem to feel the need to swear. I love that he takes his time and does things at his own pace. I love how he idly touches my skin and that, just like my own inclination (to do the same with him), it is an act of intimacy, rather than a prelude to sex. I love that he makes sex feel truly like making love, because that is what it actually is with him.

I love his smile. I love his quiet little chuckle. I love how beautiful his hands are. I love that we fall asleep holding one another and that we often alternate positions like that in our sleep all night long. I love that holding hands is special to him. I love that he is so traditional and old fashioned in certain ways. I love his gallantry.

I love that sometimes I see him (but he doesn't know that I see him) watching me and that there is a small smile on his lips that reaches his eyes... a look of love and gentle pride

I wish he would share more of his thoughts and feelings with me. I like that I am learning to wait and that I cannot confidently read him at a glance, the way I can with so many people. It frightens me too because I am unable to pre-empt what he wants and what he will like or dislike.

I am not used to having to be spontaneous like this.

I have lived most of my life 'surviving' by being able to pre-empt and meet the needs and wants of the people in my life; particularly past partners. To be honest, I am finding his unpredictability and how unreadable he can be, terrifying... but I am also feeling more connected to him than I have to any other partner I have ever had, and in ways that were impossible until now directly because of this very concept.

When this Boy loves me, it is for reasons beyond my control.

When he is not communicating with me though, it is so much more devastating because I have no way of knowing if I have displeased him, if he is simply taking time for himself, if he is waiting for me to get in touch with him, if there is some need I am not meeting that maybe I should be...

I don't know...

I feel frantic... I feel lost and alone... I feel invisible... I feel as though I have maybe even ceased to exist for him...

My object constancy is not great right now...

I honestly never believed my daughter would betray me the way she has or that I would lose her the way I have... At the very core of my insecurity is the sense that no-one and nothing in this world belongs to me... not even my own body, nor the children I gave birth to from that body

I feel powerless...

I feel empty...

I feel alone...

I believe that if I were not going through all of this with my daughter right now, my feelings of insecurity regarding my relationship with the Boy would be so much less intense.

I know for a fact that I am distracting myself by focussing more on these issues in our relationship than on anything going on with my daughter. I am doing this to survive. It brings me an intermittent relief of sorts but the more attached to him I become, each and every time my insecurity around my relationship with him is triggered, the pain of what is currently happening with my daughter is being brought dangerously closer.

I want desperately to run away but even more desperately, I want to stay and to see where this relationship could lead...

I do love him...

And it is worth it... even if it all blows up in my face... it will still have been worth it

... because for the first time ever in my life, I am not in control of it... and that makes it real