Enter: Angel...

And so it is that I have just now become aware of a third submissive alter among 'Us'...

Apparently her name is Angel...

Lil Jade was badly abused and may never interact with those in the outside world again... She watches from the inside... I can feel her... and she is often 'close to the surface'... occasionally, she has even been caught, having been 'triggered out' mid-session... but she has remained mute and almost completely paralysed... unable to do anything but stare, like a terrified rabbit, caught in headlights; unable to move or function but also unable to escape... The last time she was 'out', 'We' were just incredibly lucky that the Master Butterfly had chosen to submit to, was gentle and kind...

Butterfly is the deepest and most beautiful core of my submission... She is strong... and serene... and deeply happy with exactly who and what she is... Angel is here to protect Butterfly until it is truly safe for her to come out... There is currently someone with whom Butterfly is safe... but shifting context has called into question whether or not He will ever call her forth again... She misses His dominance deeply... but unless there is room for her within this new context, and He calls for His 'Pet' once more, she understands and accepts that her place is in the shadows, watching, perhaps even sometimes serving... but unspoken... and unseen

Angel is soft and untouched... She is innocent... open... trusting... and niave`... In a lot of ways she is a new beginning of sorts... And she is, I suppose, a lot like one of the canaries miners used to take with them down into the mine-shafts in order to detect gas leaks... She is open and trusting where the rest of us are unable to be... But she is also so deeply innocent that her hyper-sensitivity to abuse is un-marred by my own easily warped (by my abuser) sense of self and safety... Should a dominant gain Angel's trust, Butterfly may, at some point, emerge and surrender 'Our' most submissive self... But as Angel's submission does not involve sexual acts, it will take quite the exceptional dominant to gain 'Our' trust... And exceptional is nothing short of what 'We' deserve...

I am afraid for Angel... I am afraid of Angel...

She is so innocent and fragile and untouched... I am afraid of how vulnerable she is to being very badly hurt... and how vulnerable that, in turn, leaves Me to being that badly hurt again...

It would be understandable to ask 'Why allow her to exist then? Why allow her outside, in the 'real' world? What purpose does she serve?'

The answer is simple...

First and foremost... the concept of 'choice' is a tricky one here...

On the one hand, yes it is my own mind that has created all of the alters that exist within Me... and so one could be forgiven for assuming this very fact alone, implies choice...

On the other hand, if this were a voluntary process, I can assure you, I would have put a STOP to it many, many years ago AND reversed it! Being this way is much more painful than fun... :'( And I spend every single second and every ounce of energy and strength I have fighting this and researching new techniques to conquer it once and for all...

So really... choice and 'allowing' really do not factor all that realistically in this...

As for 'What purpose does she serve?'... Well...

If this part of Me ceases to exist... my hope... my softness... my vulnerability... the last of anything worth fighting for that exists inside of me... also... ceases to exist... My abusers will have effectively succeeded in destroying Me... and then there truly will be no point... and nothing left for Me... but death

I have a feeling that Angel has been a part of many of My new alters at their very inception... and that as they have become no longer safe to reside within, she has vacated them and sought out yet another brand new alter within which to protect and nurture 'Our' hope... in the hope of, this time finding a life free of abuse and the inescapable feelings of despair and hopelessness and of being un-washably unclean :'(

She is unlike any other alter I have... I think that perhaps she is my... soul?

Words... numbers... tears... and... Hope

Words made numbers make sense (at last) tonight in ways that have left me feeling dichotomous feelings that I don't really quite understand how and why I feel right at this moment...

At the very centre of it all... (I am hoping and believing)... is honesty

I now have the chance to process major emotions and events I never had the chance to process at the time they happened... And funnily enough, I am not alone in this...

I am grateful for the miracle of synchronistic timing and for such equality in mutual respect and exchange... And for emotional integrity and honour...

I am grateful for the rare and precious opportunity to discover and truly open up to and connect...

I am grateful for maturity... and honesty... and trust

I am grateful to be crying tears that are pure... for reasons that are uncomplicated and unconvoluted by lies and deceit...

And although my tears themselves, right now, are for so many reasons, both related and not......... I have found and touched something rare and precious here... And I am so grateful... And looking forward to what is still to come in this area; perhaps in the context it was always meant to have been...

For the first time in a very long time.., maybe even for the first time... ever... I feel as though there is... hope... and maybe even the reality... that I am not completely alone in this world...

Everything is suddenly so very clear...

Tonight, I received 3 unexplained hate text messages (naturally, I didn't respond) from someone I had formerly considered a good friend...

Something inside of my head just suddenly clicked...

Not a single answer that I am looking for, lays in my past...

I mean, seriously... look... at my past; abuse... rape... betrayal... horror...

Who in their right mind would go looking for happiness there?! I don't know what I was thinking... and now that I can see this so clearly, I am finding it incredibly difficult to see how I possibly couldn't have seen it all these years... (Yes, conditioning certainly plays a huge role in that answer, but still.........)

I deactivated my facebook tonight... I didn't think it was going to be permanently... but now I am not so sure... Perhaps all I need now is Me... and whatever life I create for Myself in the real world...

I no longer want people in my life who consider watching me on facebook, leaving the occasional 'like' or comment here and there, a friendship... I no longer seek the judgement or validation that comes from sharing my life online in that particular forum, for the most part, with people who nowhere near deserve  the kinds of intimacies I share on my page... I no longer want to waste my life refreshing an internet page, just praying someone has something to say that might save me from chronic boredom and occasional lonliness...

Today, for many reasons, has been horrible... and I have had enough!

At one point, I literally felt something 'snap' inside of my head... I should have been in hospital... but as usual, I found ways to stay safe... *deep, heavy sigh*

The long and the short of it is that I simply cannot go on like this...

So tonight, I am going through all of my things and I am getting rid of links to people who either have become, or should be, obsolete... I am also deleting phone numbers and text messages... I am getting rid of the lot! No more, second guessing myself and ending up in the same f*cked up place I currently find myself in emotionally and physically... No more temptation to give undeserving people 'a second chance'... Especially when these people not only haven't earnt a second chance... but haven't even asked for one!

What kind of a fool have I been all this time?!

And you know what???

This change is going to do this journal a whole world of good... because now, instead of only coming in here to vent my distress and 'insanity', I will have the opportunity and the energy to write about the rest of my life as well...

There is another issue I am going to put to bed tonight too...

After much thought and internal debate, I have decided to break with my own rules and to write an entry which will be directed at other people... deliberately

I am hurt and angry that I have been put in this position... but I am deciding to take back what is mine by setting the record straight (with regard to what I actually do have to say on certain matters and events as opposed to what others warp, twist, lie and assume I have said), once and for all... And then... I walk away... from these people... completely...

After which, my journal goes back to being MINE again...

But for now, I have better things to do... like spending time with my daughters

More later... perhaps

Words I can trust...

Last night was emotionally fulfilling and healing and cathartic...

We talked... a lot

His words showed me that even without a god, there really is a point to being who I have always worked so hard to make sure I am... He showed me that 'good' isn't weak and pointless... And that people like Darren and Rob were wrong when they tried to bully me into embracing a violent way of reacting to these situations and predators...

He also showed me that I really am talented musically... and artistically

Not because he is 'into me' but simply because... I am...

His words were so... I'm not sure quite how to describe them... um... baseline? He said them as statements of fact... There was no exuberance or starry-eyed passion... It was simply a logical, dispassionate assessment of what was...

And I can trust in that...

So now it is up to Me to do something with this new information...

Already, things are shifting and changing inside... and I am truly thinking... for the first time in a very long time...

Because I am finally beginning to see an un-varnished and realistic version of who I am and my real skill-set, through the eyes of someone I feel I can trust to have no agenda and to not be trying to be 'nice' to me... my confidence is growing... on a very deep and stable level... in ways that are solidifying who I have always been but simply lacked the confidence to show...

I am growing and 'hardening' (becoming less fragile and vulnerable with regard to my abilities)... and very, very soon... I will be 'going somewhere' with what I can do and what I have created...

Stay tuned...

Alone...

I don't know that there has ever been a time in my life when I have felt so completely... alone

Pain (physical pain) cuts me off from everyone and everything... And there is so much of it lately...

Please... I just want it to stop :'(

Caring?

I wonder what it all means...

When I first 'heard', I wasn't able to connect the dots... And then all of a sudden, all of the pieces seemed to fall into place in my mind and everything just 'clicked'...

Does one thing really have anything whatsoever to do with the other???

Is it maybe genuine after all???

Is this what caring looks like in this particular arena????

It is a bitter-sweet moment... because whether it is or whether it isn't...................

... oh, never mind

It is time...

Tonight I have decided it is time to ask the tough questions...

It is not that I can't go on like this... despite having wondered if this may, in fact, be the case at times... It is that I don't want to...

I deserve answers...

Things are not adding up... Words and actions aren't matching... Both are even completely absent at times... There are gaps and things missing where there shouldn't be... And what I am seeing 'symptomatically' certainly does not match what I am 'supposed' to be seeing...

And then... there is my gut...

Yes, I have decided it is time...

Now it is just a matter of time-ing...

Stuck in a loop...

So many times, particularly lately, I look at my life and I wonder...

What happened??? How did I get here... so far from where I belong??? And what would 'where I belong' even look like???

I am so bored with my life... and so alienated... from it? within it? gah! I don't even know what the right words are anymore!

I am bored with hearing the same internal monologue... 'No, maybe I'm wrong'... 'I should give him/her the benefit of the doubt'... 'This person deserves a second... third... fourth... fifth... gazillionth... chance'... 'Maybe I should just stay in this pointless loop, not trusting my gut, or even my common sense... on the off chance... the one in a gazillion chance... that I am wrong'...

Wrong?! Ha! When was the last time I was actually wrong?!?!

Jesus! At what point am I finally going to just say 'You know what? This is not for Me... It is not what I want... And I deserve... what... I... want...' and then walk away... and then... find whatever the hell it is I actually want! When is that going to happen?! When am I going to make that happen???

I'm so angry! And frustrated!

There is nowhere in my life that I fit right now... Not a single position... Not a single person... Not even a single emotion inside of Me...

I am so... lost :'(

I am a mirror who knows only how to reflect whomever or whatever stands in front of it... And when there is no-one and nothing? I am lost...

Not because I am nothing inside... but because I have spent lifetimes... denied the right to be or live or even discover who and what I am... and who and what I want

How am I supposed to be able to find and recognise something I have no frame of reference whatsoever for?! And if I cannot find or recognise it... How the hell am I supposed to ever escape this endless, meaningless, empty loop?!

Another piece by Me...

I Walk Alone

I walk alone
And shroud myself in shadows
I warp my own visage
Right before your eyes
I allow you to see
So much less...
Than all there really is
A serene smile
Hides a tidal wave of tears
Melodic laughter;
A cacophony of unceasing screams...
Beguiling you with glittering eyes
I dance before you
And you can't see the wounds
Or the ghosts that haunt me...
Moving through me... at will
Their will... not mine
You may look...
But you will not see...
How I suffocate yet do not die
How deeply I suffer yet do not cry
No, you will never see
For I will not allow you
And so...
As it has always been...
As it always will be...
I walk... Alone

Hospital...

I have no words right now...

At least none that would come close to expressing anything I am thinking and feeling...

I am in so much pain...

My doctor has given me a letter to take to the emergency department at the hospital and wants me to go straight there... I am so terrified of what they might find that I am intermittently dissociating from the pain completely... On the one hand I can't stop crying... because of the pain... And on the other hand, every time I think about going to hospital, even though I am still crying (from the pain), I feel like a fraud because I have this weird illusion of momentarily (for a matter of seconds, if that, at a time) having no pain... or at least of the sharpness of it having gone away...

I don't know what to do...

I feel so afraid... so confused... and even though I am surrounded by people who would help (if I asked them)... so desperately... alone

I keep wondering if it's really bad enough yet to bother anyone else about...

The fear in my daughters' eyes tells me that it must be...

But for some reason I still can't tell...

Nothing makes sense...

I feel so lost and alone :'(

Hope for a more 'normal' life again...

The issues I have been having with nerve damage and pain in my back have touched almost every area of my life...

And to be honest, I had begun to wonder if certain areas they had touched would have any chance of returning to normal any time soon... Fear was certainly creeping in (which was greatly exacerbating the situation)...

However, in having the courage to go against that fear and to test this particular area... I have just had confirmation that for a few brief moments just now... I am normal again

I am in greater pain now... and I suspect if I tried to repeat what I just did, I would have increased difficulty... but I did manage it... and it felt almost completely normal...

I can do this...

There is... Hope

Drained...

My head feels like it is caving in on Me...

There are so many things going on right now... both good and bad... I'm focussing, as much as I can, on the good... and dismissing the bad from my thoughts...

But it is really hard to dismiss chronic pain that just doesn't let up, especially when you are trying to get by on a dosage of painkillers that is well below what you know you should be taking... Tomorrow I go to see my doctor again to take him up on his offer of a higher dose Fentanyl patch :( I hate taking painkillers but at this stage, with the beginnings of chronic pain syndrome already present, apparently I have very little choice in the matter :(

You know what? I have so much more to say... but I have currently lost the inclination to say any of it... Hopefully I will come back later, feeling better, and will be able to write a much better entry...

Seeya