Stuck in a loop...

So many times, particularly lately, I look at my life and I wonder...

What happened??? How did I get here... so far from where I belong??? And what would 'where I belong' even look like???

I am so bored with my life... and so alienated... from it? within it? gah! I don't even know what the right words are anymore!

I am bored with hearing the same internal monologue... 'No, maybe I'm wrong'... 'I should give him/her the benefit of the doubt'... 'This person deserves a second... third... fourth... fifth... gazillionth... chance'... 'Maybe I should just stay in this pointless loop, not trusting my gut, or even my common sense... on the off chance... the one in a gazillion chance... that I am wrong'...

Wrong?! Ha! When was the last time I was actually wrong?!?!

Jesus! At what point am I finally going to just say 'You know what? This is not for Me... It is not what I want... And I deserve... what... I... want...' and then walk away... and then... find whatever the hell it is I actually want! When is that going to happen?! When am I going to make that happen???

I'm so angry! And frustrated!

There is nowhere in my life that I fit right now... Not a single position... Not a single person... Not even a single emotion inside of Me...

I am so... lost :'(

I am a mirror who knows only how to reflect whomever or whatever stands in front of it... And when there is no-one and nothing? I am lost...

Not because I am nothing inside... but because I have spent lifetimes... denied the right to be or live or even discover who and what I am... and who and what I want

How am I supposed to be able to find and recognise something I have no frame of reference whatsoever for?! And if I cannot find or recognise it... How the hell am I supposed to ever escape this endless, meaningless, empty loop?!