Drowning In Me

Love Me 9 Times

Love Me 9 times

In My darkest hour

So that I might trust

In Your Love and its power

Love Me 9 times

In the apparent absence of Mine

For, deep inside, I long to be Yours

And to call Myself, Thine

Love Me 9 times

When no-one else will

I have more love to give

Than any Heart could demand I fill

Love Me 9 times

With never one doubt

Show Me Your Love is real

You don't need a way out

Love Me 9 times

Then again, 9 times more

Love Me even when it hurts

Never wish to even the score

Love Me 9 times

Love Me until the End

Understand, I was never just Your Lover

I was also always Your Friend

Love Me 9 times

Love Me even when I'm sad

Still see Me through My tears

As I finally let go and grieve all that was bad

Love Me 9 times

And never let Me go

For I Love You… and I need You too

More than You will ever know!

I Walk Alone

I walk alone
And shroud myself in shadows
I warp my own visage
Right before your eyes
I allow you to see
So much less...
Than all there really is
A serene smile
Hides a tidal wave of tears
Melodic laughter;
A cacophony of unceasing screams...
Beguiling you with glittering eyes
I dance before you
And you can't see the wounds
Or the ghosts that haunt me...
Moving through me... at will
Their will... not mine
You may look...
But you will not see...
How I suffocate... yet do not die
How deeply I suffer... yet do not cry
No, you will never see
For I will not allow you
And so...
As it has always been...
As it always will be...I walk... Alone

Untitled

Tangled in burgandy sheets
I watch you sleep
My hand gently caresses you face
You moan softly and turn toward me
Your eyes are still closed...
A small smile on slightly parted lips
You wait for my kiss...
I lean down
Hair brushing against your cheek
My lips touch yours
It is gentle at first
Long... soft... kisses
I taste you, you taste me
I feel every nerve in my body come to life
My eyes wide open now
I kiss you hungrily
Your tongue in my mouth
Reminds me of how you felt inside me
Your hand is in between my thighs now
Touching, caressing, opening me up
I sigh and surrender to the pleasure it brings
I kiss you again... more hungrily now
You know what I want
You open your eyes... I see your silent question
My body answers for me
Back arching, head falling back, 'Yes' I breathe
And you are down there again
Touching me, tasting me, drinking me in
I reach down and pull u back up
I kiss you long and soft and deep
There are no words, just emotions
I can feel you... You are hard again
I am aching for you
You enter me
I feel completion as we become one again
I watch as you thrust
Your eyes never leaving mine
So intense... so real
You are making love to me now
Every touch a declaration
My eyes brim with tears, and just one escapes
You kiss it away
Turning my pain into love
My sorrow fades into oblivion
Our movements so fluid... we ride the waves
Souls entwined, hearts beating as one
For just a few seconds we are connected
Collapsing back onto the bed
With your arms around me...
Exhausted and sated
I drift off into a dreamless sleep...
Knowing you wont leave...
You will still be there when i wake

Untitled

Listening for your whisper

In a screaming crowd

I cannot find your voice

For all of the others are so loud

Searching for your scent

All I can smell is blood and fear

I am screaming out your name

And still you refuse, bluntly, to appear

Why have you left me once again

In this mess that YOU created?

Our paths are ONE not intertwined

And Im so sick of being hated!

I am YOU… And you are ME!

We need to work together!

If you don't stop all this 'hit and run'

We'll BOTH be lost forever

I know Im strong… And less afraid

But every time you dump and run and hide

Another one of 'Us' gets hurt

Some of 'Us' have even almost died

Talk to me! Im begging you!

I just cant take this anymore…

Im trying desperately to stay

To hold open this closing door

I know you think that I can take it

I force back the whole ocean on my own

But Im telling you... Im so desperately tired

I cant keep doing this all alone

Im fast losing this battle

Im losing time again… Im going blind

Im not the one in charge of ALL of us

We are beginning to lose our mind

Im drawing, writing, singing

Im facing life... not running away

Im doing all I possibly can

But you've GOT to help me stay!

Im screaming… I KNOW you hear me!

Yet your silence still persists

If you abandon me in this mess again

I just might slash our wrists!

And then where would YOU be???

Without me you know that you'll be dead

Because although you're undeniably REAL

You live inside MY fucking HEAD!

So for the last time I am begging you

Pleeeease… You cant keep dumping this all on ME

If we cant learn to work together NOW

None of us will ever be safe or free!

I Miss You...

I miss the million twinkling stars

That form the night sky above your bed

I miss your rhythmic breathing

Your middle of the night kisses upon my head

I miss your strong protective arms

And my safe place there, within your embrace

I miss that special hollow in your chest

Your soft full lips, your deep blue eyes, your face

I miss being able to breathe you in

I miss your taste, your scent

I miss how it felt to make you laugh

I miss curling up with you, once we were spent

I miss your deep, resonating, throaty voice

I miss your smile making me feel whole

I miss how we made love to one another

I miss when you were a real and present part of my soul

I miss our long walks on the beach

I miss talking deep into the night

I miss our silly little private jokes

I miss how your approval filled my soul with light

I miss being able to trust in you

I miss not feeling shattered

I miss how it felt to be with you

I miss feeling anything in my life still actually mattered

I miss your charm, your boyish heart

I miss belonging to you

I miss all of the times you declared your undying love

I miss believing that love was true

I miss all of the things that never were

And never will be now you're gone

I miss never knowing the pain of you walking away

I miss never having heard you when you said 'We're done'

One Perfect Night on the Lake

Just one night on the lake
One clear, perfect, endless night
Your kisses, your touch
The feel of your breath on my neck
Your tongue in my mouth
Reaching, tasting, touching my soul
My heart beating faster
Legs growing weak
I breathe you in
Run my hands through your hair
Look deep into your eyes
I want more of you
I want all of you
I want you inside me
But I don't ask, I don't push
It's too soon
There are too many things that stand in the way
And I won't lose you
So I hold back
But I know you know
You have a part of my soul
I know that you know I love you
There is forever between us
A transcendent bond
Something that defies definition
I am happy with the way things are
Undefined and uncomplicated
It allows me to dream... and to wish
Maybe one day... maybe not...
Only time will tell
But that is what I have with you
Time... endless time

Demon Dance (The Joining of a Master and His Submissive)

Black satin snakes glide over her naked body
Entwining themselves around her wrists
Her ankles... Her knees...
In silence she watches
... Barely breathing...
Candlelight casts shadows on the walls
Shadows that dance like spirits
In and around the black wrought iron scrollwork on her bed
In and around them both
Binding them together forever...
Invoking the Darkness...
A Darkness that will soon come and swallow them whole
Releasing them only when the ritual is over
She closes her eyes and struggles against her bonds
Testing they are strong enough to hold her...
... And her screams
Around her throat, another snake
Its black and silver scales shimmering
As it glides over her skin and tightens its grip
On the back of her neck, His mark
Mark of Loki; God of Mischief...
Lord of the Darkness... Her God...
She opens her eyes and sees it is time
The transition has begun...
Gone is the man who loves her gently and tenderly
Here now is the Demon who loves her with abandon
Who takes what is His without hesitation
The demon she loves...
The One who posesses her soul
Who makes her writhe in pleasure
The One who marks her flesh with His passion
He kneels over her now
His eyes boring deep into her
Demanding she surrender to Him completely
Body...
Mind...
Soul...
She surrenders and the transition is complete
He leans down and whispers in her ear...
'Who do you belong to Little One?'
'You Master' she replies 'I belong to You and only You'
Then He takes her
All at once He is inside her and all over her
He becomes the air that she breathes
There is no longer any space between them
They become one as He posesses her completely
She cries out as He sinks his teeth into her flesh
His hand around her throat, He thrusts deeper and harder
Causing her back to arch impossibly high in pleasure
The pain is exquisite
She can feel Him in every cell of her being
She knows He owns her and she revels in it
Giving herself over completely to the pain and the pleasure
Her heart beats like a drum inside her chest
And they dance to it like two beings posessed
He releases her from her bonds and she clings to Him
Breathing Him in, she matches His rhythm with her own
Everywhere is chaos as the drum beats faster
The shadows on the wall, reflected in the mirror and all around
Dancing, coupling, acting out the sacred ritual
Over and over and over again
He thrusts deeper and faster, frantically trying to keep hold of her
She cries out as He pushes her over the edge and into the abyss
Seconds later He echoes her cry with one of His own
And the world stops
Gone are the drums... The dancing shadows... The candlelight...
Now all that exists is oblivion and Darkness and the Nothing
They fall into it...
Bodies entwined...
Souls bound to one another...
They let go of the world and exist as one...
And fall into the Darkness... Forever...

As yet Untitled

I lay here on our bed...
On my side of  a bed we made ours so long ago now...
I stare up into the darkness... Alone
On your pillow is an impression...
An indentation where you lay your head and slept last night...
Or didn't...
I dont think either of us slept... Not really...
My apology lays half falling out of your drawer where I left it for you last night...
Untouched...
Unread...
Unwanted...
Images form in the darkness above me...
At first, just random darkness...
Merging and splitting... Splitting and merging...
Then forming patterns... Taking on colours...
Out of nowhere, you appear...
My breath catches in my throat where I dare not do anything but hold it...
So afraid to exhale lest I break the spell that brought you to me...
Even if it is only in this state of half waking, half sleep...
A tear rolls silently down my face...
Overflow from all the tears  I have been holding back...
I think about where you are now...
I think about what you are doing...
I think about how you are feeling...
What you are thinking...
And then I stop.
I can't do this and survive...
I can't drown in this pain... or the chaos that is only ever a breath away for me...
The illness inside my mind that returns over and over again...
A living nightmare for both of us...
A demon neither of us seem able to tame or kill...
A demon that robs real moments of their sanity, handing them back distorted and unrecognisable...
Coming closer, I hear precursors to the oncoming storm...
It won't be long now, until the darkness inside descends and I am blinded again...
A question I have been unable to answer all day, once more begins demanding I decide...
Where will I wait out the storm?
How will I survive it once again?
Do I run for the city and drown in rich men's fantasies?
Gasping for air as their lecherous hands grab at my flesh and demand not just my body, but my soul too...
Or do I wait out the night here alone... Safe from them but unsupervised...
Unstoppable and at its mercy when it hits again...
I fight hard to regain control of my thoughts...
I fight to regain that numb, focussed state of shock...
The shock that sobered my  thoughts and obliterated the chaos as it engulfed me last night...
I am taken by surprise at the gutteral sound of my own sobbing...
As memories of what happened replay themselves over and over again in my head...
Drowning in fear and pain, I wonder...
How can I ask you to stay when I cant make the insanity stop?
How can I ask forgiveness for something I have so little control over?
And then it truly dawns on me...
I am sick... So very sick
I have no choice...
And I cant ask you... Not now, not ever...
I can only accept what you offer...
And so now I wait...
Hoping that once again your love for me will win out over the insanity...
There is so much more to all of this than just the insanity...
But when the insanity is all you can see...
When you lose sight of me...
When all we are is reduced to pain and sadness in your eyes...
The is nothing left for me to do but wait...
 I wait in hope...
And I wait in fear...

As yet Untitled

When Im hiding away, in the very depths of my soul
When I've run so far from you
When blindness covers my eyes and the darkness comes
Will you still see me?
When Im lost in a place where I cant understand
When I can no longer speak
When I scream with no sound
And there is silence all around
Will you still hear me?
When Im numb and afraid, and my skin is on fire
When I cannot reach out to you
When every cell in my being screams out your name
Will you still feel me?
Will you hold me when I am untouchable?
Will you protect me even when I cant ask?
Wil you love me through the darkest times?
Will you forgive me for my past?
Will I really always belong to you?
Even when it all feels too hard?
Will you see me for who I really am?
And not just the pain I feel inside?
Will you laugh with me? Cry with me? Play with me?
Will you hold me in the dark?
Will you fight to keep me here with you
Even when we feel so far apart?
And at the end of your life, will you look back
With a wistful smile upon your face?
Will you have cherished each moment we spent together?
Or will it all have seemed a waste?
I know that my love costs you dearly
But its a price I hope you're willing to pay
And in return I'll give you more than all I have
And pray you'll never turn me away

As yet Untitled

It kills me to see you resting
In a silence that isnt there
To know you think Im so sfe
When in truth, my soul's stripped bare
Just like it kills me when the daylight comes
And it all begins again
All I want is for this pain to stop
God help me, please just make it end
In the day you walk beside me
And your hand is mine to hold
You often wrap your arms around me
To shelter me from the cold
But come night-time you start to fade away
I know I'll soon be on my own
To face those demons all night long
I see you there but I remain alone
If only I could call you out of sleep
And find a way to contact you
Maybe you would hear my cries for help
Maybe you would see me too
But instead I lay here silently
Waiting for the fear and the night to pass
Praying that the sun will soon rise
So that I might breathe again at last
Ive searched all my life for the answers
But so far, nothing I could find
Has feed me from this prison cell
Or from the demons in my mind
I thought that you might hold the answers
Maybe you might hold the key
That had the power to unlock my heart
And finally set me free
But each night I still face the same battles
And every day I face the same fears
Thats been the way it's always been
It's never changed in all these years
I keep praying you really might be different
That you could be my 'One'
That your love might show me a better way
To live a life that's really only just begun

As yet Untitled

The shifting sands
In foreign lands
Have left me feeling somewhat confused
While my wicked Master
Pushes  me faster
And watches on, all-knowing and bemused
Ghosts of my past
I see clearly at last
Ive come full-circle and now I know
To be true to me
I have to break free
Its time to let them go
So now I choose
And... win or lose
Along this path I must not falter
For the path I take
The decision I make
Will be one I cannot alter
The heart of one
Who used to be my sun
Will soon no longer shine for me
While the place of others
Close friends, confidantes, past lovers
Will simply cease to be
The tears I shed
Over all that is dead
Over a life I once thought was real
Will only burn for a time
At which point I will find
Ive finally begun to heal
Then with my head held high
I will lift my face to the sky
And breathe for the first time ever
I will know deep down inside
I no longer have to hide
Fear, pain and shame will be banished forever

The 'Glamour'

Like a 'Glamour', I wear the face you see
The face you see that smiles as I greet you at the front door
That leads you down the candlelit hallway
To the room... To the bed...
To where it will happen...
To where you will get what you have come and paid for

Like a 'Glamour', I wear the face you see
The face that moves above you... as you move inside of me
My hot breath beside your ear
My soft kisses upon your lips
My long slender fingers gently caressing your cheek
As you taste me

Like a 'Glamour', I wear the face you see
The face in which the eyes are set...
The deep blue eyes that penetrate your soul
As you penetrate me... Over and over and over again...
The eyes that hide my unshed tears...
And the unspeakable pain inside

Like a 'Glamour', I wear the face you see
The face beautifully contorted above you in immaculately feigned ecstasy
As you moan...
Muscles tensing...
Trying to stop it from happening too soon...
Determined to make this one perfect moment last forever...

Like a 'Glamour', I wear the face you see
The face that smiles and the voice that purrs... as you cum...
Exalting with you in your triumph
As I swallow the urge to vomit
The truth of this transaction exploding inside of me
White hot... Tearing through me like twisted metal shrapnel

Like a 'Glamour', I wear the face you see
The face with the mouth that smiles and utters the soothing words your sudden silence demands
As I take on the blame instead... and absolve you of your guilt
Your guilt and self-disgust at having been with me...A whore
Your face relaxes in relief...
And I let you... believe

Like a 'Glamour', I wear the face you see
The face that told the lie... that created the fantasy... Your fantasy
I hand you your clothes and you dress
You try... but you cant look at me... At your shame
I pretend not to notice... instead, smiling as I lead you back out
Away from the bed... away from the room... back down the candlelit hallway... to the front door

Like a 'Glamour', I wear the face you see
The face with the satin-soft lips, that brush a kiss past your cheek, 'Goodbye'
I watch as you turn away from me and walk out the door
I pretend not to hear your sigh of relief, as I hold back one of my own
Your hard-soled shoes cracking hard against the concrete as you disappear into the night
And then I am alone...

The 'Glamour' dissembles as I tear off my clothes
Frantic to escape all that you touched... even my skin
I run for the shower... I claw at myself... scrubbing
Hot water... soap... and my tears
Wash away your smell... your kisses... your touch
And the sickly sweet stench of the condom you wore

Then in the distance, the phone rings... Another
New fantasy... new outfit... new lingerie... new makeup
Calm and confident, I make my way back down the candlelit hallway
And as I look into the mirror... the unfamiliar face looking back at me, smiles...
I am ready... again... And I am gone... again...
And all that is left, as I open the door... is the 'Glamour'

Blooded Rain

Blooded rain
Fall on me
Wash away the screaming pain
Set me free
Blooded rain
From deep inside
Take away the shame
I cannot hide
Blooded rain
Remove the blame
Bring me back the light
So I can see again
Blooded rain
Cleanse my soul
Leach out all the poison
Make me whole
Blooded rain
I need you now
Theres nowhere left to go
And I dont know how
Blooded rain
My last true friend
I stand alone upon this ledge
So near the end
Blooded rain
Youre my last hope
Im drowning in this pain
And I cant cope
Blooded rain
Sweet addictive bliss
I am saved once again
By your devastating kiss
Blooded rain
Oh blooded rain
My sweet... Life-giving...
Beautiful... Blooded rain

As yet Untitled

Where are you now?... I need you
Can you hear the words I cannot speak?
Do you see the tears inside my heart?
Hear the silent screams as they hit their peak?
You hold my hand as the stormclouds gather
Cradle me softly against your chest
And its only when Im with you
My spirit finds a safe place to rest
So many times, Ive searched my heart
And tried to find where you belong
But it all keeps shifting and changing
All I know is... you make me strong
There are times, I would call out to you
But you dont belong to me
So I take comfort, finding you in my dreams
While in the real world, I leave you be
When Im with you, I know I am safe and loved
That constant fear will at last subside
Emotionally naked, I can stand before you
Knowing I do not have to hide
I cannot describe what it is I feel for you
Or why sometimes, it makes me feel so sad
How your love continues to change my life
How its different to any other love Ive had
If I could, Id let you see you
As you appear before my eyes
Id show you how much I love you
And how a friends love never dies
Id show you just how amazing
That I think you really are
And youd see for the first time ever
How you come first with me... And by how far
Youd finally realise I wasnt joking
Your finally see my words rang true
And maybe youd finally believe me
When I tell you 'I love you'

As yet Untitled

Why wont someone...
Find my heart and save me?
Save me from this living death?
Draw me back out into the light?
And stop the pain inside?

Why cant someone...
See who I really am?
See beyond the fear and shame?
Beyond the words and all the knowledge?
See Im just a frightened little girl?

Why wont someone...
Fight for me?
Not give up even when I run?
Coax and earn my trust?
Show me that love wont always burn?

Why cant someone...
Believe in me?
Not for themselves, but just for me?
Have no agenda?
Just want to see me free?

Why wont someone...
See past all the lies I tell myself?
Show me its safe to live in the truth?
Teach me what its like to open my eyes?
And that its safe now... to see whats really there?

Why cant someone?
Why wont someone?
Because in the end...
He will need more than I have
Before I can give it
And Im not sure I still know how to believe

I Love You

I sit here dreaming of you
And I wonder why...
Its not like you are here with me
You cannot hold me when I cry
So what is it about you?
What makes me want you here?
Why cant I let you go?
What is it that I fear?
I feel your arms around me
And your kisses in my dreams
I hear your voice so clearly
But nothing's as it seems
For you now belong to another
And its her you kiss and touch
It doesnt matter that I love you
How deeply or how much
Your words of love betray her
And... they break my heart
When you tell me you still love me
Yet we remain apart
How is it that your heart is torn
When it was you who chose to leave?
Or was it all a game?
Have I been decieved?
Do you even know what love is?
And is that what you feel for me?
Would you really come and find me?
If she ever set you free?
Or are they just more empty words?
More promises youll never keep?
Promises I cling to
As I cry myself to sleep
I feel so empty here without you
Youve left a void I cannot fill
No matter what I do
I find I love you still
It makes no sense at all
But then... love rarely does
I look at all the logic
And Im left with 'just because'
So that is how I know I love you
Because no thing can shake this feeling
And my heart is torn back open
Every time I think Im healing
I dont know what the future holds
Or if fate will bring me you
The only thing I know is...
You know that I love you

As yet Untitled

This thing is just so massive
My head is screaming from the pain
I cant keep fighting any longer
Cant keep going on in vain
Searching... Desperate for the answer
Yet still confusion reigns
Screaming getting louder
Blood runs down and stains
Body limp and numb
No voice, no words, no sound
Looking forward to the 'thud'
As my body hits the ground
Silence there will greet me
Nothing but darkness, death and peace
No shame, no pain, no terror
I will then get my release
But I know that it wont happen
I'll just keep living here in Hell
And nothing will ever change
No matter who I tell
Coz there really are no answers
No stone's been left unturned
For everything's been taken
Everything for which I yearned
So I wait now for the end
I just hope it comes real quick
Or that I finally get the guts
Or that I just get too damn sick
Alas I know it does not work that way
Because I am too strong
And I dont know how to quit
Ive been surviving far too long

As yet Untitled

There are a million things I want to say to you
But I remain silent
Words that could heal us
But you wont hear me
Timing is everything
But I dont know what you want or how to give it to you
Your silence brings me my only hope
But in that silence I can also feel you slipping away from me
I want to talk to you... to break that silence
But you remain stubborn and closed-minded
I want to get though to you... I want to make you see me
But your eyes remain closed... I dont know about your heart
Every once in a while... you break that silence that stands like a sentury between us
But the hope in my eyes seems to drive you away again
I have to wonder if this is just your way of punishing me
But I hear real pain in your voice too
I dont know how it was that I came to love you so deeply
But somehow I did...
I wasnt looking for you
But you found me
You promised me love and trust and forever
But you are gone
I look for you and I cry for you
But there is just emptiness now... where you used to be
I gave you everything... my heart and soul
But you threw it back at me like it was nothing
Your demands were high and I met them... it was alomost impossible
But I found a way
I want you, and I need you
But when I look for you... you are gone
Your disgust and disdain are now all that remain of what we once were

As yet Untitled

Hand upon her stomach
She feels the life that grows within
A life she must cut short
Before it can begin...
She loves her little baby
So much more than she can say
Thats why she has to do this
Before she cannot find a way
Day and night... and night and day
She thinks about that little life
Thinks about its Daddy
And how he wants her for his wife
Try as she might, to find the love
To make that family 'one'
She knows she cannot do it
It just cannot be done
She looks into their future
To what their lives will be
She sees the pain and suffering
She sees the misery
It goes against all she believes in
It tears her heart in two
So she shuts her feelings down
For she knows what she must do
Now she takes the sedative
And lays down on the bed
Knowing when she wakes up
Her baby will be dead
An empty void where once was life
A broken heart... A tortured soul
She'll learn to live with what shes done
But never again be whole

As yet Untitled

You look down at me in disgust
A freezing cold sneer on your face
You utter words that will haunt me forever
Damning me to Hell
My offering of love rejected
You throw me out of your life... again
I wait...
And I wait...
And I wait...
I wait for word that the nightmare is over
I wait to hear that your tirade came from
Hurt... and pain... and anger
I wait to hear you have forgiven me... once again
For something I never did
I wait to feel the relief that comes from beng 'loved' again
Whatever that is...
And then it is overI stuff it all down...
My hurt
My pain
My anger
I smile and laugh
I pretend I dont hurt, and that of course I was wrong
Of course I wasnt hurt... by your cruel words
Your icy stares...
Your angry tone
That fear that is always there
Churning acid in the pit of my stomach
Burbles once and then is silenced
By my denial of its existence
Niave I pretend to be
And stupid... and dumb
I have to be if I want you
Words of wisdom uttered during the storm
Words that saved us
My words
All gone now... and forgotten
I am invisible again
Until I do something wrong
Why do I fight to save 'Us'?
Why do I stay when I can see?
What is it about you that keeps me coming back?
Grovelling on my knees... the way you like it
Oh yes... thats right... I love you
What a fool I am...
But I cant deny the truth
I love you

I Belong to You

My mind wanders to thoughts of you
Over and over again
The same scenes, the same memories
Happy and yet haunted
A forbidden love I cannot speak of
But a love that still exists, none-the-less
The history and the pain
Of what now is
And what is still to come
All out of reach
I will never know your love on a busy city street
Or in broad daylight on a beach
Never walk with you hand in hand
Where anyone can see
Your love exists in my heart and in my mind
In my memory...
And in private
Where only you and I will ever see it
Where it will never hurt anyone... but us
How such a beautiful thing can bring so much pain
I do not know
But it doesnt change what is...
And I will wait for you forever...
For in truth, we both know...
I belong to you

How Do I Hate Thee?

How do I hate thee?
Let me carve the ways...
One... for never having been good enough...
Two... for the fact you never will be...
Three... for all of those who tolerate you...
Four... for all of the ways you disappoint them...
Five... for your chldlike faith and love... We find it disgusting, niave and annoying...
Six... for the things they did to you; both when you were so young and now you are older...
Seven... for the screams you scream in the night...
Eight... for all of the hearts you have broken...
Nine... for all of those men you turned into monsters, just by being alive...
Ten... for every... single... time... you have failed...
Eleven... for all of the times you are yet to fail...
Twelve... for each and every time you dared to say 'No' or to stand up for your pathetic, disgusting, little self...
Thirteen... for needing...
Fourteen... for recieving...
Fifteen... for daring to believe a better life was possible for you... You stupid little fool... As if you deserve anything like that!
Sixteen... for begging...
Seventeen... for wanting...
Eighteen... for every time you dared to grow...
Nineteen... for telling... You knew you werent allowed to tell...
And...
Twenty... to remind you of your place... To make sure you never forget where you belong... ON THE GROUND... WITH YOUR FACE IN THE DIRT... WRITHING IN AGONY...

Abandoned & Betrayed

I am screaming for help
But you dont hear me
While I am screaming your name
You turn and walk away
My pleas fall on deaf ears
And leave me wondering
Have I ceased to exist again?
My tears; burning acid trails of misery and despair
And like the pain from the broken glass I drag down my skin
The tiny droplets of blood that seep slowly out
Will never quench the thirst or the hunger I have
For death and the Nothing
They will never quell the pain
Nothing will ever fill the void you left
Nothing will ever stop the screaming inside
Nothing will ever make your betrayal not hurt
Nothing will ever bring me back you
It's too late.

Justyn

J - is for the joy you bring to my life
U - is for the unique ways you find to bring a smile to my face
S - is for your sensitivity and your beautiful smile
T - is for the precious time we spend together and your gentle touch
Y - is for you... the only person youve ever been with me
N - is for NO-ONE who will ever be able to take your place in my life or in my heart

Cut

She took a piece of glass
And dragged it down her arm
Watched it tear her skin
The blood begin to run
She watched and stared in silence
No tears... no screams... No pain
Numb and dead and gone now
Just an empty shell remains
She used to scream before
Before it hurt too much
Before her screams were silenced
By his deadly, filthy touch
She was silenced by the pain
And silenced by the fear
Silenced by the secret
And the scenes she could not bear
So now she turns it inward
The pain... The rage... The terror
She cuts and draws the blood out
Hoping she'll make a fatal error

Daddy

Ice cold fear numbs my skin
As white hot fingers sear a path
To the secret place
Place of shame... Pace of pain
Stomach churns... I taste the acid
Bubbling in my throat
Room goes dark as eyesight fails
Screaming in my head
Weight on my chest... I cannot breathe
Choking on his cock
Try to move, but cant... Pinned down
Terror and pain combine
Smothering... Drowning... Going under
Im going to lose my mind
Wish for death but fear it too
Instinctive fight for life
Then out of nowhere... 'Nothing' comes
And takes me far away
No longer feel... No longer see
No longer hear his grunts
Body limp... the room goes black
Memories fading fast
Awake I will, when morning comes
Not know quite who I am
Or what transpired here tonight
Until he comes again

As Yet Untitled

I cried and I screamed out to you
But you did not hear
I guess my scream fell silent
Muted by the fear

I tried to reach out and touch you
I needed you to hold me near
I guess I forgot to move at all
Paralysed by the fear

I wept as my heart was breaking
But you didnt see a single tear
I guess I forgot to cry
Confused by all the fear

I looked everywhere for you
But I couldnt make you see me clear
I guess I got lost in the fog
Blinded by the fear

So... I curled up in a little ball
And prayed for death to come
Instead I woke to daylight
Realising there was nothing that could be done

As yet Untitled

I dreamed a dream of you last night
You were watching the sun set out over the sea
Your thoughts so far away, you seemed gone
How I wished youd return to me
And just as far away from me
Was your warm and loving embrace
In silence I stood in the freezing cold wind
As tears ran down my face
Off in the distance, I saw another who stood
Alone, just like you and I
His heart divided, his head turned away
And again I began to cry
I cried for the longing in both mens hearts
I cried for all the others Id known
I cried for the end of the world than never came
And still I stood there alone
Then I looked at both men and wondered
How it was we came to be here, we three?
Would the pain I felt now ever really heal?
The wind whispered 'To thine own self me true'
So I ran into the water and chased the setting sun
While both looked blankly on
I screamed out my pain at the top of my lungs
So relieved it would soon be gone
But as I began to disappear beneath the waves
A hand hauled me out of the sea
'You silly little girl, I LOVE YOU! Dont you know?!'
'You will always belong to ME!'

Three Little Words

The words just wont come
I sit here dreaming of you
Day and night, hour after hour
Images before my eyes
But still the words wont come
I remember the warmth of your touch
Your lips on mine
Your hands in secret places
The blush on my skin
And the way you tasted
But still, the words just wont come
I remember the heartacche
As I got into the taxi
My stomach in knots
Unshed tears burning my eyes
Rain in my hair
And your kiss on my lips
While my eyes were closed
Trying to remember you
Your beautiful face
The feel of your skin
The beat of your heart
The timbre of your voice
But still... the words just wont come
And then finally...
Three little words
Three little words, that say it all
I love you
And I do, I really do
I guess the words finally came

Tread Lightly Little One

A warning:  Tread lightly,
My precious Little One
It has been so long
Since you have seen the sun
Your Master is very proud
Of how far you have come
But you must learn to walk,
Before you can run
I see the shifting inside
I see great changes have begun
But I caution you still:
Be careful Little One
I watch the war that you fight
I see the battle you just won
And I am lost for words,
Do you know how much I love you, Little One?
You bring such joy to my heart
With your laughter and fun
And your childlike smile
So glad youre mine Little One
Your efforts and enthusiasm
Please know, I never will shun
But still I feel I must warn you:
You must tread lightly, my darling, precious Little One

As yet Untitled

Transfixed by your gaze
Your words echo through my soul
Held forever in your embrace
Your love makes me whole

As yet Untitled

Fear is pounding

In my head
I begin to wonder...
Am I alive?... Or dead?
Skin so numb
I no longer feel
Got cuts so deep
They just wont heal
Voices shouting
Something at me
But Ive gone blind now
And cannot see
Ive got to run
Got to get away fast
Turn back the clock
And erase the past
White hot migraines
Searing pain
Memories all gone
It is happening again
No longer know
Who the hell I am
Cant speak English
Cant understand
Split into others
Who now control my fate
Scream for help
But its too late
Laying on the floor
Completely paralysed
I think its time
I realised
Theres only one choice
I need to make again
Keep fighting this monster?
Or go insane?

Soul Deep

Still so in love
So deeply in love with you
More than ever...
More than I ever dreamed possible
You are a part of me...
You are the still quietness inside me
When my world is in chaos
The beating of my heart
When I just want to give up
You are the air that I breathe
When I feel like Im drowning
The sunshine that warms me
When Im frozen inside
My impossible dream
You are my hope for tomorrow
Your exsitence changes my life
In so many ways...
More ways than you will ever know
Your love gives me life
Where I thought there was none
Your voice soothes my soul
You have taught me to dream
And to fly
To run with the wind in my hair
You have shown me freedom
And even if...
I never hold you again
I will love you
With all of my heart
Soul deep...
Until the day I die

Kisses

Your kisses make me cry
And Im left wondering why
And how, I ever let you come into my life
Your kisses break my heart
And while my whole world falls apart
I wonder what it was I ever saw in you
Your kisses, they betray me
Your so-called 'love', it fucking slays me
And each kiss, cuts so much deeper than the last
Your kisses burn like fire
From the pain and not desire
The scars they leave, will never likely heal
Your kisses suffocate and smother
While my heart longs for another
A man who truly knows what real love is
Your kisses try to own me
But your actions long ago have shown me
I cannot trust you and its time for me to leave
So I kiss you once 'Goodbye'
Look you straight up in the eye
Then I turn my back and walk away forever

As yet Untitled

My heart has fallen silent
And since the day you went away
Time has lost its meaning
Day fades to night then back to day
Somewhere deep inside Im crying
Im begging you not to go
While in the real world I stay silent
Because I dont believe you want to know
You say that you still love me
But that just makes me sadder still
Because you said that we cant make it work
And how, no matter what I say, we never will
Its not the first time this has happened for me
And I know it wont be the last
So beautiful, yet so f**ked up
My future always poisoned by my past
I wish I could let it all go
My tortured past... And now, sadly... My love for you
But the truth will always be the truth
And that truth is: I still love you
So wordlessly I'll walk away
Re-disconnect... Be numb again
Try not to keep wishing you'll come back
I have to get there... but how? and when?
I wonder... How long will you ache for me?
How long will it take you to forget?
And years from now, when you think of me
Will you look back with regret?
Will you wish that you'd fought harder?
Or will you feel what you chose was right?
Will you ever again call out for me
In the middle of the night?
I hope that you find happiness
I hope you find where you belong
I hope my love helped heal your pain
That touching my soul helped make you strong
I honestly want the best for you
Even if that isnt me
Because the love I have for you is real
And so now... I set you free

Chasing a Ghost

Your kisses, like ghosts
Brush gently against my body
Your lips
Trailing satin
Am I dreaming again?
The memory of you
The pain in my heart
The aching inside
As I long for you
Drives me onward
To where? I do not know
Just onward
Always onward
Your voice in my mind
Our hearts still entwined
And yet tangled
More pain left than joy
At least that's what is left
For me
I reach out in the dark
As I see you in dreams
But once again you vanish
As consciousness returns
What I would do
The lengths to which Id go
To hold you again
To belong to you
Even if only... for a moment
But now she holds your heart
And she wears your ring
She is your reality
Your everything
While I remain a ghost
Who haunts you in dreams
The same way you haunt me in mine
A whisp of possibility
From another world...
Maybe one day
You will find me again
Maybe one day
Youll call me home
But as for today
Well, it is what it is
And I find my way forward...
Alone

Thank you

When I was drowning
You offered your hand
You pulled me back up out of the water
And gave me the chance to breathe again on my own

When I was afraid
You held me
You drew me into your arms
And it was your voice that drowned out the fear

When I was exhausted
You caught me as I fell
In your arms I found peace
As you held me while I slept

When I was screaming
You heard me
You listened and you understood
You made it so that I didnt have to scream anymore

When I was shattering
You contained me
You picked up all the pieces and kept them safe
Until I could rebuild myself again

When I was hurting
You touched me
You enveloped me in your love
And pain lost its sting

When I was lost
You found me
I couldnt see the forrest for the trees
But you saw me... You always have

When I was blind
You took the darkness from my eyes
You showed me light and love
And how beautiful the world could be...

Thank you

I do Not Belong to You

Do not touch me anymore
Your touch burns like fire
And I can no longer stand the stench
Of my charred and burning flesh
You acid fingerprints leaving behind reminders
Of all the things you wanted me to be
All the things I could never be
And all the ways I disappointed you

Do not speak my name anymore
For in the deafening silence that follows
All I can hear are my own screams
That echo all around inside me
Screams that claw and tear their way
Through only the most painful parts of me
Reminding me once again... Of how you once loved me
And of how I couldnt love you back

Do not look at me anymore
Your admiration makes me cower in fear
For I know it will only be a matter of time
Before you see the ugliness in me
Or the pain of the scars my soul bears
And then it will not be long before I see...
Your contempt... Your disappointment... Your pain and your sorrow
I will feel like a fraud... Even though I warned you

Do not kiss me anymore
In tasting me, you infect yourself with my pain
You bind our souls toghether
In a union that should never have been
You condemn yourself and me
Your love turns bitter in my mouth
I am smothered and suffocating
And yet still you will not let me go

Do not search for my scent on the breeze anymore
Your longing only increases my pain
A pain I see reflected in your eyes
As I continue to walk away
A pain that will, in time... Turn your love to hate
A hate that will turn my scent acrid in your nostils
And like smoke, will burn like fire in your lungs
Whenever you breathe me in

Do not try to sense me anymore
For I am gone
And the shell that hangs limp in your arms is only that...A shell
My spirit has ceased to inhabit this body
It drifted away long ago
You wanted something I could never give you
You and I were never meant to be
The price was just too high...