I feel like the connections that exist are real for them... just not for Me...
I feel so deeply alone... and numb... and not a part of anyone's real world... I exist on the peripheral... where I am convenient... where I am loved at a distance... where I actually belong
Not belong in a self-pitying way but actually truly belong... They all have partners and families to go home to... People who think about them all of the time... People who would notice if something had happened to them before the smell of their rotting corpse hit the street or an inconvenience of one kind or another prompted further investigation...
I have none of those things...
There are plenty of men online on dating sites demanding my attention... but not one of them truly wants to give me his attention... My body is a doorway to sexual gratification... My attention and affections, a doorway to an ego-boost, validation and emotional gratification... The likelihood of any of these men really having any intention of actually wanting to give me any of these things except to receive even more in return is... well... it is... unlikely
So how are my own needs and desires in this area any different?
They are different... because I am different
They are different because I am not seeking someone for sexual fulfillment; I can get sex from practically wherever I want it, whenever I want it, however I want it... Hell if I really wanted to, I could go back to getting paid big money for it! Even more if I ordered a client to sacrifice his own desires and to give Mistress what she wanted, when she wanted it, the way she wanted it and to then go take care of his own vile needs in the corner, out of my sight... or better still; at home, completely out of my presence!
So no, it's not sex...
It is also not low self-esteem or insecurity... I actually have great self-esteem... And no reason to feel insecure... I know I have a lot to offer someone... just as I know that what I have to offer is in high demand... I am a survivor... I know what people want... and I know how to give it to them!
So no, it's not low self-esteem or insecurity either...
What I want is something much deeper... I want to be able to give to someone who deserves that gift! I want to give to someone who appreciates and reciprocates that gift! I want to truly matter to someone else just because I am Me; not because of what I can give!
I want these things on a different level to what most people want them... I am not saying want and need are wrong; far from it... but unlike so many of these people, I don't want any of it unless the person I am receiving it from and giving it to... is the right person for Me
And that is why I am alone and lonely...
In a society built on selfishness, disposability and instant gratification... there is very little hope of ever finding the quality of person I am looking for in the first place, let alone the right one for Me
