A Happy Place...

Right at this exact moment in time... I am in a happy place...

I don't know why... When I logically look at the past 24 hours, I cannot comprehend how it is even possible to feel this way...

But...

I don't care why.

I simply AM happy... And THAT is all that matters right now...

I feel exhausted but tranquil and serene and peaceful inside...

Is this all simply down to a 'changing of the guard'? Am I dissociated? Do I have solid reasons, firmly routed in the 'real world' to be feeling this way? Will this feeling pass as unexpectedly as it came?

I don't know...

But right now... I have life-giving oxygen... And ALL I am going to do is breathe it in... every last happy breath of it... right down to the last atom...

I NEED this...

I've EARNED this...

I DESERVE this...

It's MINE...

And so now... I'm off to enjoy it!

Wrong?

... And then sometimes... you can be wrong... But am I?

Trigger? Misinterpretation? Emotional immaturity? Conditioning?

I honestly don't know anymore...

I've had such a horrendously emotionally fstressful day and I've been switching so much that I don't know my 'real' feelings from the more unbalanced and out of proportion ones...

I only know that I was VERY not okay... And that now I think I feel okay...

Only time will tell I suppose...

I know there was more I wanted to say but I'm so exhausted I can barely think... And so now I'm going to sleep...

Heartbroken :'(

Some paths you walk in life appear different... but in actual fact, they never truly change...

Tonight I feel heartbroken on a night I should be so blissfully happy... I wish I wasn't here...

I've been everything I can be and I've given more than all I have... again

I feel even less than invisible...

How could he do that WITHOUT even any alcohol as an excuse and not know it was so desperately wrong... Let alone show it off to me...

And now, once again... DESPITE the fact I have SO MANY reasons to be very much NOT okay today, IIII have to suck it up and PRETEND that I'm okay and that of course nothing is wrong... IIII have to put aside the excruciating pain inside... And IIII have to find a way to hold back all of these burning hot, unshed tears...

I have no choice... because this is her wedding day... and I WON'T cause a scene...

I hate this :'(

:(

Just woke myself up ACTUALLY crying...

I feel so exhausted and lonely :'(

Saved?

Could it really be that the existence of clairvoyants has just saved my life?

Or more to the point, the existence of what a true clairvoyant is able to SEE...

That we then MUST be more than just decaying cells gives me hope...

And THAT is where I am going to leave both these thoughts and this entry...

I have found a glimmer of hope... That is ALL that matters to me right now...

I survived...

Well it would seem I have survived the latest tidal wave...

I wish I felt less sarcastic and numb about it than I do... but I don't... and there is no point bemoaning what should have been...

To simply deal with what 'is' serves a much better purpose... Although what that purpose is, I have no idea...

I feel like I sound like a crazy person... Perhaps I am... crazy...

But again, labels are unimportant... Best to simply deal with what is and keep moving forward...

You know, I really don't feel as though I have a purpose at all...

Yes, I have chosen to stay so that the children I gave birth to suffer less than they would if I was no longer here... And to help keep them blind and stupid to the reality that there really IS no meaning in life...

Life is simply an existence... A random collection of cells that do their thing, slowly decaying, until they die and exist no longer... It's a cycle that repeats itself with humans and animals and plants, without descrimination... My daughters don't need to know that...

I think that there is much truth to the old adage that 'ignorance is bliss'... It is bliss...

Back on topic though... I honestly feel there is no purpose in my life for ME... And believing what I apparently do, it is impossible for me to ever HAVE a purpose... I am simply cells doing what cells do... Living... Decaying... Dying... No big picture... No grand design... No God who created all of this for his beloved human beings... Just life and then eventually... the Nothing

You know what? Even this is pointless... I think perhaps it's time I stop...

Sliding...

I can feel myself slowly but surely sliding back to where I was for almost all of yesterday...

I am terrified...

Much longer in that state of mind and really bad things would have begun to happen, either yesterday or very soon after...

I dont want to leave the house right now... I am afraid... and overwhelmed... But if I dont get out and right now... something worse might happen...

Once again... I am trapped... I have no real choice... Survival is necessary for the sakes of my daughters... but not for Me

And so now I head out to face my fear of the outside world in the hope that I might find myself in a better, and hopefully, not worse situation than I find myself in now...

Waking up...

It feels like waking up out of a fog...

I am still extremely fragile... And it certainly would not take very much at all to push me right back over the edge again... But right at this exact moment I feel differently to how I felt yesterday...

I am terrified of what is going to happen in court, with regard to my license, on Tuesday... And have been having nightmares about that and about the custody hearing all night... Well, for quite a number of nights now... But, again... Whatever I am feeling now, is not quite the endless desolate fog I was in yesterday...

I dont know what to do to strengthen this current state of mind, so that I dont slip back to where I was... and that is scary... But I figure that if I take just one step at a time... If I have a shower... If I spend some time watching movies... If I take the pressure off of myself to live up to other people's expectations today... And if I dont make the mistake of having any expectations or hopes that rely on anything or anyone external to myself, just for today... Then maybe I will make it through today... Hopefully a little stronger tomorrow... And a little stronger again, the day after that...

Its highly likely I am still going to be starving myself intermittently... Im working on getting past it... But its not killing me right at this second... And to be honest, whether or not the underlying thought process on that one makes sense... Its all I have right now... Its the only illusion of control I have over my life... And its the only form of self-harm I have that isnt going to show in a way that could jeopardise this custody case or destroy everything I have worked so hard for in other ways... Besides, I could do with losing a little weight...

I think, perhaps later, I might go for a walk by myself... And I wont try to make sure I am home waiting for him, when he finally gets home... As a matter of fact, I will try to be deliberately late... I think that I will show both myself and him that I am too good to spend my life waiting around for someone who has no interest in protecting what he has with me (because he thinks I will simply always be there)... That I am no longer willing to be the only one fighting so hard and sacrificing so much for this relationship...

It sounds petty and stupid... And if I werent in so much trouble emotionally, I would simply let it go and go on being who I truly am... But right now, I need to take back something of me for me... Because its having nothing left, on top of everything else I have going on, that has led to me being so desperately unwell...

Here goes...

So sick :'(

I am getting sick...

No... Actually... I already am sick... What I am getting now, is sicker...

I can feel myself going under...

I am becoming confused...

I feel like I am underwater and no longer know which way is up to the surface where I will be able to breathe and know hope and life again... And which way is down to the unoxygenated depths of an endlessly deep ocean that traps me in a torment-filled, living hell but refuses to drown me... Where my lungs burn and scream for air, but where death will not come...

Instead I am caught in the limbo between life and death... I wait anxiously for a death that may or may not come... Trapped, fighting for a life I have ceased to want but do not know how to let go of... Running from the terror of the dying itself...And it is this very running and fighting which prevents me from finding the peace of actual death...

I am screaming for help...

I honestly dont know what is going to happen from moment to moment anymore... I no longer know what kind of help I need... Or if such help even exists...

What if death really is the only answer left to me now?

An answer I am denied because of them... Because of my daughters...

Not because of some wonderful connection I feel to them... Because right now, I dont... sometimes I cant... but right now I simply wont... I hurt so much over them and everything connected to them that I have now emotionally shut down... at least for now...

The reason is, simply, because they do not deserve it... They do not deserve all of the fallout that would come (for them) from either the suicide (or the death) of a parent... particularly a mother... I guess...

Not that I feel like a mother anymore...

I feel like a victim... A victim who will never escape the horrific nightmare her captor designed for her... The nightmare in which he toys with her for nothing more than his own disgusting... twisted... pleasure... That is why death is my only answer now...

Hidden from me right now, is a deep love for my daughters... I know this... I see it as a photograph inside of my mind... A moment in time captured in a picture, but which fails to capture the accompanying emotions... A picture I can look at, but not reach out and touch... No, only the people inside of the picture can know the emotions they felt... Only I can know what loving them, the way I do in that photo, feels like... when I can remember... when it is safe... which is not right now... :'(

Right now I wish that they did not exist at all... Because if they did not exist, I would no longer be tied in any way to this world... I could simply let go and finally find peace... Looking into their faces at this very moment would bring more pain than I could hold inside of me... It would trigger the mother in me... And her heart would break and shatter over and over and over again... I CANT DO THIS!

Why are you (I dont even know who 'you' are) making me do this? Survive this? Live this? Its TORTURE! PLEASE! JUST MAKE IT STOP! LET IT STOP! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE! :'(

I cant keep screaming like this... And yet I am currently unable to escape to the safety of alters who might be able to shield me, any better, from this either...

It is the middle of the night... And I am completely alone... And lost...

All I have is Me... and... no escape :'(

I want to let go...

I want to give up...

I just want to walk away from it all... forever

I don't want to keep fighting for every tiny scrap of happiness... Or continue to be expected to be ridiculously grateful for even the smallest kindnesses or considerations... Or grateful when someone permits me my rights...

I just want to let it all go and to freefall into the abyss...

I want to be dead.

Starving...

I starve myself because on some level I believe it is currency...

A currency that I can somehow use to bargain for better in my life...

It's not working :(

Deeply Depressed

Today I am deeply depressed...

And I know exactly why...

The problem is, I feel powerless to do anything about it...

Being a multiple means that there are many times I am completely unable to see things the way they 'are'... That is not to say that each alter's perspective is invalid... Only that not all perspectives are balanced or based on the belief systems of the alter who made the original decision...

And so I am stuck...

Stuck in what has come to feel like a never-ending cycle of being happy and miserable in this situation and not knowing which perspective is the most accurate one; the one upon which I should act...

All I do know is that walking away cost me my sanity and almost my life... And there has to be a good reason for that... surely???

I feel so alone in this...

I feel as though I cant talk to anyone about how I am feeling or ask for advice because this cycle keeps repeating itself... I am happy for a while... And then I am miserable and stuck again... And I am powerless to change anything because with every 'change of the guard' (switch in alters), a whole different belief system takes control...

One faction believes completely that there are simply few or even possibly no redeeming qualities which would support the idea of staying in this situation and that nothing short of walking away makes any sense whatsoever... (These alters also are completely emotionally unattached to this person and find sustaining this situation repulsive and traumatic)...

The other faction is completely the opposite... They are deeply emotionally involved (although right now I cannot remember how or why)... And they believe the beautiful words that come from this person (whereas the 'others' find them empty and meaningless and stupid and even, at times, manipulative)... They feel peaceful and loved and whole in this person's presence and embrace... I am a different person when they are around... I feel happy and free and safe (instead of cold and alone and half dead)...

The problem is that both factions have it exactly right...

I truly believe that I am both deeply loved and taken for granted and neglected...

Right now I feel so angry and angry and angry... And I feel so heartbroken... And I feel so alone... And I feel so unfulfilled... and trapped... And I feel unbalanced and restless... And I am punishing myself by refusing to do anything that makes me feel happy... Even though at the very same time, I am desperately writing this journal entry in an attempt to claw my way back and to save myself and this relationship... :'( PLEASE SOMEONE, JUST HELP ME MAKE THIS STOP! :'(

I HATE being a multiple! I HATE all of this undeserved pain! I HATE continually having to agonise over each and every tiny decision, just in case it destroys my whole damned life! And I HATE that even though I had so OBVIOUSLY switched and had SAID SO and was BEGGING to be left alone to sort out the insanity from what actually made sense (before I said or committed to any thoughts or feelings), myself so that I could regroup and explain when I had the words and the understanding, that this person STILL expected and kept pushing me to force my way through to give them a running commentary of what I was feeling and what was going on AND confronted me on it! And I HATE that when I am BEGGING for just a TINY bit of time and space as Im already under such enormous pressure in the REAL world, that this person is pushing me to 'heal' and to seek out and work my arse off to deal with every little thing inside of my head because THEY dont like seeing me in so much pain! (for my own sake to a certain extent... but mostly - I suspect - for their sake, because it hurts them to see me hurt and makes them feel powerless when they cant help me)

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! Just ONE little thing goes wrong in their world and this person runs for time alone and doesnt cope... Well, MY WHOLE FUCKING WORLD IS IMPLODING AND EXPLODING AND SHATTERING AND FALLING APART BOTH INSIDE AND OUT! Give me a god-damned BREAK!

I really just cant take this anymore... :'(

Maybe that is why I am punishing myself today... Maybe its because I am not only mad at myself... But primarily I am trying to survive all of this... And if I can just keep myself distracted from what is really happening, by suffering at my own hands and at the mercy of something I created (and so therefor can, in theory at least, control and stop), then just maybe I might be able to make it through...

I HATE MY HEAD! And I HATE THIS TORTUROUS EXISTENCE!

I DIDNT DO THIS! I DONT DESERVE THIS!

IT'S NOT FAIR! :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

please make it stop... :'(

How do I find My way back? :(

When, logically, I can't see what the big deal is... but emotionally, I am falling apart and just can't seem to get it together... The issue is not my belief system, how I see the world, or my attitude, it's a mental health issue...

The question is: How do I find my way out of this mental health fog and get back to who I really am?

Losing Me...

I often wonder if he is aware of how close he comes to losing Me, how often, when...

And why...

I wonder if he loves Me enough... I wonder if he even knows how...

I am so confused...

Being with him triggers certain alters who truly are with him... Being away from him allows alters who are not with him their space too... Everybody used to work as a team... Now, the alters who are not with him are fighting hard to stay... and to break us up...

It is so hard to sustain a relationship you can only remember but not currently emotionally feel or see any logical reasons for staying in... Its so hard to trust him with the truth of how I feel at the times when I am truly not any of the alters he is in a relationship with... And near impossible to expect him to truly understand or be okay with it...

Just the fact that he spends all of his time trying to meet every single alter I have and to get to know them so that he can make them fall in love with him, tells me this... :'(

Ive tried to explain how things are... And that it is really okay and safe for him (his place in my heart and life) that not all of us are in love with him or even capable of love... But he just doesnt get it... Or perhaps he gets it but doesnt accept it... Perhaps he sees it as a necessary part of my 'healing' process or something... It feels threatening and partonising... and very unsafe...

I feel invaded and afraid...

Amethyst is my protector... She isnt meant to be all soft and mushy... She needs to be able to be emotionally cold and shut down... And I have expained this to him... so many times... I have even begged him to just let it go... To let Amethyst just be who she is... to leave her alone... for both of our sakes... But he wont... :(

His desire for (his perceived) self-preservation comes first... His insecurity comes first...

He seems to think that if he can make her fall in love with him, that his place in My life will be safe... It isnt...

To think that is such a huge mistake...

None of us trust in 'Love'... We want to... but we cant... and we dont...

When Amethyst is in a good mood, she plays with him... And she allows him to believe she is in love with him... She doesnt see the need to hurt him unnecessarily... To be honest, I dont even know the whole truth myself... I think that there are moments in which she possibly is in love with him... Unless perhaps she has developed another alter of her own to cope with these demands... I really dont know :(

When she is in a bad mood... I pay the price... I am stuck trying to cover her contempt and her disgust (because it is not what all of us feel... and none of us... not even Amethyst wants to hurt him)... And I am stuck trying to be 'in love' with him and kissing him and handling him touching me and making love to me, with her tearing me apart inside and making me want to vomit and scream and cry and tear my skin off, making me want to wash him off of us, and making me want to smash everything in sight and run...

In reality she isnt meant to be in love... She exists to protect Me... To be heartless and cold, where and when I so desperately need to be but cant be... I allow people far too much leeway... And I cant and dont protect myself when I very much need to... Quite simply: I have too much heart

I hate him for trying so desperately to soften her just so that he can feel secure... No, actually, I dont... She hates him for that...

If he wanted her to fall in love with him because she was amazing in her own right and he had fallen in love with her himself, that would be an entirely different story... But when it is primarily because he is feeling insecure and trying to shore up his position in My life? Pathetic! And weak! And disgusting! Completely intolerable! (Well that's how she feels anyway)...

She is simply unable to stomach any kind of weakness which results in manipulation... And thats exactly what him trying to make her fall in love with him to allay his insecurity feels like to her... Manipulation because of a weakness of character on his part...

She sees this as the core defect in those who have committed all of the sexual assaults and other unspeakable crimes against 'Us'...

She hates those who would seek to manipulate others, either by deception or force, into parting with something that does not belong to them... all the while appeasing their consciences with the excuse: 'oh, but I need it/you'...

We have had that excuse thrown at us from every direction and in every possible situation, no matter how ludicrous... ALL OF OUR LIVES! :'(

You can never truly own something that does not belong to you... Even if you physically possess it... It will never be yours... And why would anyone want something that didnt belong to them anyway? It makes no sense whatsoever to her...

And although she sees this character flaw on a sliding scale (from human to monstrous), she has no stomach for it; no healthy tolerance levels... And she begins to disappear when I (or anyone else) try to force her to feel reasonably or to be reasonable about it...

How am I supposed to argue with that? Or fight that?... when she is right (even if her reaction is somewhat out of proportion and unbalanced by those of us who possess the softer, more loving and compassionate feelings)... And how do I force my way past feelings so strong and sickening, in order to save a relationship that some of us want so desperately that they almost sent me insane the last time it was over between us???

You know, I really dont think he understands how painful and damaging it is when he tries to force her to stay and to participate in all of the mushy 'in love' stuff...

It feels like being raped... Oh my god! Thats it! It feels exactly like being raped (to her)...

The nausea... The screaming... The crying... The terror... Being trapped and unable to breathe... All of it!

I have never had the words for it before... just the feelings :'(

She hates him when she feels like he is forcing her! :'(

It has got to stop...

I finally understand exactly why I am so hypersensitive to people not listening when I say 'No'... It feels like being raped! And even on a good day, it still feels as though Im in danger of being about to be raped again...

In reality, 'No' should always result in 'No' immediately... But in a world where barely anyone listens or hears when they receive an answer that isnt what they want... Perhaps I have no other choice but to begin enforcing 'No' when I say it... :'(

It is heartbreaking... But the world is what it is... And I am no longer willing to go through this kind of pain each and every day when it is within my power to make it stop... I am also not willing to lose my relationship over such a simple misunderstanding... I truly believe that he is a good man... And I know that if he knew this is how I felt or even realised that he wasnt listening to 'No' when I said it, he would be devastated...

I can do this... I can fix this...

Im still exhausted and incredibly fragile... But it is time

i HATE you!

I HATE YOU! AND you... and YOU!

I hate all three of you for taking advantage of Me... And for using Me... AND for making it worse by expecting Me to make YOU feel better about it!

I REALLY FUCKING HATE ALL THREE OF YOU RIGHT NOW!

And newsflash: Doing it subtly... DOESN'T make it okay! It makes it WORSE!

I FUCKING HATE YOU!

Soooooooooo sick of it!

I'm SO sick and tired of every tiny little decision I make being potentially world ending (in the eyes of other people at least)...

While at the exact same time...

I am expected to live with, WITHOUT COMPLAINT, ACTUAL life changing, catastrophic decisions and abuses from and by others...

Aaaaaaaaaargh!

I am so sick of being stuck in this head and in this life!

:/

I want MY OWN life!

:'(

Nothing is the same anymore...

I am not the same anymore...

Actually some things... no... LOTS of things... are the same... It's just that people are burying it and hiding it deeper...

I can't trust them...

I have been different for so long now... I've fought SO HARD to carve out a new and different pathway for myself... But I can feel myself being pulled back to where I was...

I can feel myself becoming 'the same' once more...

I don't like it... I'm terrified of it... and heartbroken over it and the people in my life I should be able to trust... but can't...

And I feel... nothing :'(

I don't want to go... But I have no choice... I don't know any more ways I can use to stop it...

I've loved you all... but I can't feel you anymore... I'm trying... so hard... And I'm trying so hard to trust you all... even in the face of all of your lies and deceptions... TO my face...

I just really DON'T understand... I gave you everything... I gave you my heart... stripped bare in front of you... I gave you my honesty... even when it was excruciatingly painful for me and it burned my skin...

You gave me your lies... The SAME lies you give the rest of the world...

And I feel so miserably cold and shut out in the dark... and alone...

:'(

.

I feel sick... :(

In and out...

I'm so in and out of myself lately that I can no longer be sure of anything or anyone...

It's scary... And I don't know who to trust or what to do...

:(

Invaded...

So much has been happening lately that my whole system has become chaotic and even more fragmented...

My feelings don't match my words... My actions don't match either my feelings or my words... And my thoughts match none of it!

I feel afraid...

And a very small part of me feels excited...

Maybe this is going to finally be 'it'... Maybe all of this stress is going to finally push me over the edge again and the blackouts will be back...

Maybe the excruciating pain of living co-conscious; seeing and knowing everything but being powerless to stop it... will finally be over... at least for a while

I feel so guilty for feeling any excitement whatsoever over something so life-altering and potentially detrimental... But it is what it is... And right now I'm so deeply hurting and 'unwell' that I don't even know why I'm so hurt and unwell anymore... I am so overwhelmed that I can't see or remember how it began or what it's true root cause is... or even if the cause still exists!

I ran into (and was seen and recignised by) Warwick in the grocery store on Tuesday... That was bad enough... But I was WITH MY GIRLS! He is a very bad man who did some very bad things to me... some of which I can't even remember (because it's been 'blacked out')...

Then today, I had the second treatment for a root canal procedure I'm in the middle of... And even though it went fairly well, I just want to cry and not stop...

I feel so invaded... Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too... I just can't seem to protect myself from even the most innocuous things... I even feel invaded by my own self!

And to make everything just that little bit more painful and exhausting to battle... I am seeing the world through 'working eyes'...

Every place I go, I am scanning for potential risk factors, dangers, weapons and exits... Every person that crosses my path, I am assessing as a potential client; risk level, sexual style, fetishes, triggers, likelihood of being booked by them, how to minimize (for them) the risk of being caught by a partner... and the list goes on and on and on... I scan for past clients an am increasingly terrified (although I don't know why), that I'll run into one again...

No-one and nothing feels safe and clean anymore...

I feel like I'm constantly being appraised for how appropriate I would be to fulfill another's sexual agenda and for how much (money)...

I feel like people everywhere are tearing tiny little pieces of me off and taking it away with them... It is excruciating!

I AM SCREAMING IN PAIN... Yet no-one can hear Me... Not even me :'(

My Silent Screams...

Once more...

I scream into the Abyss...

And once again... Nobody hears Me

:'(

My safe place is gone :'(

I had a safe place...

I shared my safe place...

Now my safe place is gone :'(

Going away... again :(

Tonight I feel sad and lonely...

I have switched yet again... and once again, he feels like little more to me than a distant stranger; someone who is familiar but mostly just visually :(

I understand that a part of this is in preparation for my return to Adelaide... But it doesn't make it any easier... It also makes it hard to know which is the most truthful or valid reality where it comes to making decisions that could possibly effect every aspect of my life...

It's at times like these that I feel the most lost and alone :( I just don't know what to do...

I hate that the accuracy of this Dissociative Identity Disorder diagnosis is becoming more and more indisputable every day :( And I hate what it is doing to Me and to my life and to the lives of those around me...

I am afraid... And I am lost... And I am alone...

:'(

My Little Angel...

Today is the day my Little Angel would have been born...

I miss her intensely...

I am not quite ready to write what I want to write about this day just yet... But I will... soon

I just wanted to mark the day officially, here on my journal...

I love you... And I miss you... And even though you aren't here, and I am not even sure I believe in life after death and all of that, I can feel you... So intensely, that last night I was literally losing my mind...

I wish I could hold you... And love you... And give you the life you deserved...

I ache for you...

I miss you :'(

I will always miss you...

Another piece of Me...

No More...

No more...
Will we bleed... and try to die... for you
You must hear what they say
You must face what they do
No more...
Will we scream into the darkness of the abyss
YOU must scream YOUR OWN pain out now
When they cut you... Yet call it a kiss
No more...
Will we blind you, nor cover your eyes
Its time you turned them away YOURSELF
AND their hate, dressed as 'Love' in disguise
No more...
Will we tolerate, this torturous pain
You must FEEL ALL of your feelings
There must BE no more 'Blood Rain'
No more...
Will we lie... To you... OR to ourselves
Its time you emptied this closet
And cleared out all of the secrets upon its shelves
No more...
Is it okay... to hide in the shadows of perpetual night
You KNOW who and what you are
You KNOW what is right
No more...
Will we let you believe your existence is cursed
You know BETTER than that
You've already survived the worst!
No more...
Will we berate you - it isnt our responsibility
Its time you TOOK your life back
It is time you were FREE!

Falling into the Abyss...

Sometimes I hate the world :(

I have been trying so hard to get my head straight again about losing the Baby...

It has been excruciatingly painful this week in particular... And just as I am finding my way back to an emotionally much safer place (after exhausting amounts of hard work and through sheer force of will), what happens??? I am fucking bombarded by pregnancies and babies and ALL that bullshit... LITERALLY EVERYWHERE I GO!

This is NOT about me simply noticing it more... It is IN MY FACE because this HORRIBLE WORLD is PUTTING IT THERE! over... and over... and over again :'(

Its NOT FAIR! I HATE this! Why the FUCK is this happening to ME?! Have I not fucking SUFFERED ENOUGH over this?!

It hurts my heart... It hurts my head... It hurts in my bones... And it burns my skin...

I JUST WANT IT TO STOP! PLEEEEEEEEASE!

:'(

And yet, (even though I am doing NOTHING to exacerbate it and EVERYTHING to alleviate it), I am also afraid of no longer hurting over it... Over all three of the children I have lost...

In the case of the last two, I feel I do not have the right to hurt in the first place but that at the same time, I somehow deserve to be punished by hurting forever...

And in the cases of all three of them, I am afraid that no longer hurting over their deaths, will mean they will vanish, or provide proof (although I dont know to whom), that I never really loved them...

Maybe if I stop hurting they will disappear into the mental and emotional abyss inside of my mind, and in doing so, the possibly arises (inside of my mind at least) that maybe they never really did exist in the real world anyway... Perhaps I was just crazy for thinking they ever did... Perhaps all of the horrid voices that accuse me of being crazy and of hypochondria and attention seeking and laziness and self-hating, self-inflicted, victim-wannabe, emotional self-harm are right... (Despite MEDICAL evidence that all THREE pregnancies were REAL)

I miss my Babies! :'(

I want to hold them and to love them and to cover their little faces with kisses and to make all of the coldness and pain go away for them... I want to make THEIR pain and abandonment STOP!

I want someone to make MY pain and abandonment STOP!

But it will never happen...

They are gone (and so somehow free yet also somehow suffering forever, beyond anywhere I can reach to help them or make it stop, at the same time)... And I continue onward into the forever that is my life...

Today, despite how hard I have tried to love and embrace life and the world... A part of me hates a part of it too...

My heart is so completely Broken... There is no fixing that... And to be honest, I dont want there to be

And as much as I will never stop giving everything I have to heal and to hope and to truly be okay... I deserve this pain... I did this... And I deserve to hurt in this way :'(

A piece of me...

Untitled

Listening for your whisper
In a screaming crowd
I cannot find your voice
For all of the others are so loud
Searching for your scent
All I can smell is blood and fear
I am screaming out your name
And still you refuse, bluntly, to appear
Why have you left me once again
In this mess that YOU created?
Our paths are ONE not intertwined
And Im so sick of being hated!
I am YOU… And you are ME!
We need to work together!
If you don't stop all this 'hit and run'
We'll BOTH be lost forever
I know Im strong… And less afraid
But every time you dump and run and hide
Another one of 'Us' gets hurt
Some of 'Us' have even almost died
Talk to me! Im begging you!
I just cant take this anymore…
Im trying desperately to stay
To hold open this closing door
I know you think that I can take it
I force back the whole ocean on my own
But Im telling you... Im so desperately tired
I cant keep doing this all alone
Im fast losing this battle
Im losing time again… Im going blind
Im not the one in charge of ALL of us
We are beginning to lose our mind
Im drawing, writing, singing
Im facing life... not running away
Im doing all I possibly can
But you've GOT to help me stay!
Im screaming… I KNOW you hear me!
Yet your silence still persists
If you abandon me in this mess again
I just might slash our wrists!
And then where would YOU be???
Without me you know that you'll be dead
Because although you're undeniably REAL
You live inside MY fucking HEAD!
So for the last time I am begging you
Pleeeease… You cant keep dumping this all on ME
If we cant learn to work together NOW
None of us will ever be safe or free!

Struggling...

I dont want to see what I can see right now... :(

Or maybe I am glad I can see... And the truth is that I dont want to have to act on what I cannot unsee... :(

Does this 'not wanting to act' come from a deeper truth I can sense but cannot touch emotionally, and mean I should stay (until I can touch it emotionally again) afterall?

Am I legitimately afraid I could be wrong?

Or am I just right and simply afraid to trust myself? :(

:'(

I wish I knew my own mind right now...

Last night we 'made love'... At least that is what it was supposed to be... I felt nothing :'(

Its true... I was overtired... And emotionally I have been really not okay lately... Also, I am massively hypersensitive to any and every trigger and stressor... And I am shut down in ways and in places within myself that I cannot possibly know or even begin to comprehend all of...

But is that what this is? Do I really... not know?

Is it really the Dissociative Identity Disorder and my own dissociated emotional state acting up and preventing me from being able to see anything straight right now?

Because apparently... I am in a state of intense crisis... But why?

Why am I in crisis???

He says its because I am not being true to myself...

He is right... :'(

I just dont know how much of that is 'Us' and how much of it is simply my whole life... I dont know what to do and what to act on and what to just let ride... for now

And so... I do nothing...

Tomorrow however, I am going to call the school and the bank and the child support agency so that I can at least deal with the stressors which have no consequences in my real life...

I do feel better, having decided this... But I still have such a long way to go :(

Baby steps...

Breathe... Dont gasp... Just breathe...

And take nothing but tiny... little... baby... steps...

I guess that once the minor things that are tipping me over the edge right now, are dealt with, the dust will settle and all that will be left will be the things I really have to deal with...

If you believe, then please pray for me... Because right now I cannot pray for myself... I simply do not know how...

Doing it... Step by step

Today I am wearing a dress... :)

I am so proud of myself for this...

Today I have also paid three overdue bills that I have been unable to face for the past week... I am so proud of myself for this too :)

I am intensely proud of myself for the way in which I have treated myself this week...

And that is enough...