Invaded...

So much has been happening lately that my whole system has become chaotic and even more fragmented...

My feelings don't match my words... My actions don't match either my feelings or my words... And my thoughts match none of it!

I feel afraid...

And a very small part of me feels excited...

Maybe this is going to finally be 'it'... Maybe all of this stress is going to finally push me over the edge again and the blackouts will be back...

Maybe the excruciating pain of living co-conscious; seeing and knowing everything but being powerless to stop it... will finally be over... at least for a while

I feel so guilty for feeling any excitement whatsoever over something so life-altering and potentially detrimental... But it is what it is... And right now I'm so deeply hurting and 'unwell' that I don't even know why I'm so hurt and unwell anymore... I am so overwhelmed that I can't see or remember how it began or what it's true root cause is... or even if the cause still exists!

I ran into (and was seen and recignised by) Warwick in the grocery store on Tuesday... That was bad enough... But I was WITH MY GIRLS! He is a very bad man who did some very bad things to me... some of which I can't even remember (because it's been 'blacked out')...

Then today, I had the second treatment for a root canal procedure I'm in the middle of... And even though it went fairly well, I just want to cry and not stop...

I feel so invaded... Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too... I just can't seem to protect myself from even the most innocuous things... I even feel invaded by my own self!

And to make everything just that little bit more painful and exhausting to battle... I am seeing the world through 'working eyes'...

Every place I go, I am scanning for potential risk factors, dangers, weapons and exits... Every person that crosses my path, I am assessing as a potential client; risk level, sexual style, fetishes, triggers, likelihood of being booked by them, how to minimize (for them) the risk of being caught by a partner... and the list goes on and on and on... I scan for past clients an am increasingly terrified (although I don't know why), that I'll run into one again...

No-one and nothing feels safe and clean anymore...

I feel like I'm constantly being appraised for how appropriate I would be to fulfill another's sexual agenda and for how much (money)...

I feel like people everywhere are tearing tiny little pieces of me off and taking it away with them... It is excruciating!

I AM SCREAMING IN PAIN... Yet no-one can hear Me... Not even me :'(