Soooooooooo sick of it!

I'm SO sick and tired of every tiny little decision I make being potentially world ending (in the eyes of other people at least)...

While at the exact same time...

I am expected to live with, WITHOUT COMPLAINT, ACTUAL life changing, catastrophic decisions and abuses from and by others...

Aaaaaaaaaargh!

I am so sick of being stuck in this head and in this life!

:/

I want MY OWN life!

:'(

Nothing is the same anymore...

I am not the same anymore...

Actually some things... no... LOTS of things... are the same... It's just that people are burying it and hiding it deeper...

I can't trust them...

I have been different for so long now... I've fought SO HARD to carve out a new and different pathway for myself... But I can feel myself being pulled back to where I was...

I can feel myself becoming 'the same' once more...

I don't like it... I'm terrified of it... and heartbroken over it and the people in my life I should be able to trust... but can't...

And I feel... nothing :'(

I don't want to go... But I have no choice... I don't know any more ways I can use to stop it...

I've loved you all... but I can't feel you anymore... I'm trying... so hard... And I'm trying so hard to trust you all... even in the face of all of your lies and deceptions... TO my face...

I just really DON'T understand... I gave you everything... I gave you my heart... stripped bare in front of you... I gave you my honesty... even when it was excruciatingly painful for me and it burned my skin...

You gave me your lies... The SAME lies you give the rest of the world...

And I feel so miserably cold and shut out in the dark... and alone...

:'(

.

I feel sick... :(

In and out...

I'm so in and out of myself lately that I can no longer be sure of anything or anyone...

It's scary... And I don't know who to trust or what to do...

:(

Invaded...

So much has been happening lately that my whole system has become chaotic and even more fragmented...

My feelings don't match my words... My actions don't match either my feelings or my words... And my thoughts match none of it!

I feel afraid...

And a very small part of me feels excited...

Maybe this is going to finally be 'it'... Maybe all of this stress is going to finally push me over the edge again and the blackouts will be back...

Maybe the excruciating pain of living co-conscious; seeing and knowing everything but being powerless to stop it... will finally be over... at least for a while

I feel so guilty for feeling any excitement whatsoever over something so life-altering and potentially detrimental... But it is what it is... And right now I'm so deeply hurting and 'unwell' that I don't even know why I'm so hurt and unwell anymore... I am so overwhelmed that I can't see or remember how it began or what it's true root cause is... or even if the cause still exists!

I ran into (and was seen and recignised by) Warwick in the grocery store on Tuesday... That was bad enough... But I was WITH MY GIRLS! He is a very bad man who did some very bad things to me... some of which I can't even remember (because it's been 'blacked out')...

Then today, I had the second treatment for a root canal procedure I'm in the middle of... And even though it went fairly well, I just want to cry and not stop...

I feel so invaded... Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too... I just can't seem to protect myself from even the most innocuous things... I even feel invaded by my own self!

And to make everything just that little bit more painful and exhausting to battle... I am seeing the world through 'working eyes'...

Every place I go, I am scanning for potential risk factors, dangers, weapons and exits... Every person that crosses my path, I am assessing as a potential client; risk level, sexual style, fetishes, triggers, likelihood of being booked by them, how to minimize (for them) the risk of being caught by a partner... and the list goes on and on and on... I scan for past clients an am increasingly terrified (although I don't know why), that I'll run into one again...

No-one and nothing feels safe and clean anymore...

I feel like I'm constantly being appraised for how appropriate I would be to fulfill another's sexual agenda and for how much (money)...

I feel like people everywhere are tearing tiny little pieces of me off and taking it away with them... It is excruciating!

I AM SCREAMING IN PAIN... Yet no-one can hear Me... Not even me :'(

My Silent Screams...

Once more...

I scream into the Abyss...

And once again... Nobody hears Me

:'(