System Mapping begins???

Oh god, I have no idea of even where to begin or how to do this... :(

I can feel them... And I know those who have names (which are very few as I have not allowed them names), by name... I know those without names, by feeling and interests and belief systems...

Perhaps, photos might help...

Here goes nothing...

Annabel

This... apparently, is Annabel

Favourite Movie: Sucker Punch
Favourite Childhood Super Hero: Wonder Woman
Favourite Super Hero Weapon: Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth (like almost all of my alters, Annabel is compulsively honest)... She wishes she owned a Lasso of Truth herself, not only for its power to force a person to tell the truth, but also because it can force a person to see the truth... That it also has the power to restore a person's memories, touches very deep places of need in Annabel... on an instinctive level... For perhaps one day 'We' could use it on 'ourselves' and become a whole person once more... Perhaps we could banish the amnesia, and in doing so, our fragmentation... Perhaps then, the internal torment would stop...
Favourite Colour: Red
Favourite Person in Her Life right now: Ben M (a man she has secretly, in her own way, already fallen in Love with)
Hobbies: Writing, drawing, reading, dressing in costume, roleplay (but not sexual)
Personal Style: Geeky with a decidedly gothic or fetish twist... Annabel likes to be alternative, even to what is already considered alternative
Favourite Food: Peanut butter sandwiches on fresh white bread that is first spread with a generous layer of real butter
Social: Annabel loves to socialise amongst 'her own'... But whether she swings toward being the centre of attention and commands the whole room, or whether she is shy and quiet and an almost invisible 'watcher', depends on whether Amethyst is around or whether lil Jade is around at the same time... Without the influence of either Amethyst or lil Jade, Annabel tends more toward a middle ground between the two... She is quiet and reserved but makes an intense visual, emotional and intellectual impact on those she interacts with
Alone time: I believe it is Annabel's hand that creates the comic drawings I draw in my drawing journal... I believe she translates the emotions of all of 'Us' into self-portraits we can touch, on beautiful clean white paper
Favourite Artistic Medium: Black gel pens and 'Our' drawing journals with the beautiful clean, smooth white paper and the black plastic 'nightmare' covers... She always has with her, black gel pens and paper of some description, as words are art for her too... And whether sketching out another emotional landscape onto a page or creating one with words, Annabel needs her art supplies with her, as she is constantly inspired by her own reactions to the world around her... Without her art supplies, Annabel very literally has trouble breathing... She is very internally motivated but ceaselessly, genuinely caring and compassionate with those around her
Age: This is sometimes fluid... At her youngest, she is 17, although she has also been as old as 24 and is regularly morphing through any of the ages in between. In general, it depends on who else is around in the physical world... For the most part, when Ben M is around, she hovers around 24... When she is alone, she is often only 17
Writing Style: Definitely poetry... Most of my darker, more emotional pieces have been written by Annabel... She is incredibly artistic, not only through her drawing, but with her words too... Annabel can form detailed paintings in another person's mind, simply through her use and manipulation of words... All of Annabel's work is deeply emotive in ways that leave the viewer or reader no choice but to feel what she is feeling... This is why she alternates between keeping her work private (to protect others from the intense and often painful, emotions the pieces involuntarily evoke) and exposing as much of the whole world as she can to it (in order to force people to feel and experience what she feels and experiences, and in doing so, force them to SEE her and to FEEL her, especially at times she has felt abused or overlooked, misinterpreted and invisible)
Favourite Collection: Monster High dolls... Although she has also recently lent her skills as a collector to ordering and displaying the LaLa Loopsy collection 'We' have too...

Truly coming home... at last

I think I am finally, after all these years of trying, coming home...

I find myself drawn back to this journal, over and over again lately... Gradually writing more and more openly... Gradually adding more of the pieces of the puzzle that is Me... Gradually learning to trust again (although I can't for the life of Me, explain what I mean by that - I just felt those words very strongly inside and I somehow knew they must be said)...

I am grateful for the friendships I am making and for the family I have truly found at last... A family made up of both blood relations I have finally begun to connect to in loving, safe and healthy ways, and of incredibly dear and beloved friends...

I have been through many things... Before the end of my life, I am sure I will go through many more... I have come to see my life as a huge, as yet unfinished, artwork; one I have a great appreciation for and an even greater fascination with...


And somehow I just know...

I am going to be... Okay

Almost there...

Well...

Approximately 10 hours ago now, my whole world changed forever... and now I am free

For now, however, it is time to sleep... Later there will come explanations of a sort... perhaps... But right now, I sleep... I have a long road ahead of me over the next few days and for that I need to be alert and fully functional...

This torturous chapter of my life is finally almost at a close... I just have to hang in there a little bit longer...

Soon, there will be peace... and then, there will be... relief

A new piece... but still no peace...

I Miss You...

I miss the million twinkling stars

That form the night sky above your bed

I miss your rhythmic breathing

Your middle of the night kisses upon my head

I miss your strong protective arms

And my safe place there, within your embrace

I miss that special hollow in your chest

Your soft full lips, your deep blue eyes, your face

I miss being able to breathe you in

I miss your taste, your scent

I miss how it felt to make you laugh

I miss curling up with you, once we were spent

I miss your deep, resonating, throaty voice

I miss your smile making me feel whole

I miss how we made love to one another

I miss when you were a real and present part of my soul

I miss our long walks on the beach

I miss talking deep into the night

I miss our silly little private jokes

I miss how your approval filled my soul with light

I miss being able to trust in you

I miss not feeling shattered

I miss how it felt to be with you

I miss feeling anything in my life still actually mattered

I miss your charm, your boyish heart

I miss belonging to you

I miss all of the times you declared your undying love

I miss believing that love was true

I miss all of the things that never were

And never will be now you're gone

I miss never knowing the pain of you walking away

I miss never having heard you when you said 'We're done'

I feel so incredibly sad...

... And fraudulent...

I'm really not okay... Hell, I'm not even CLOSE to okay...

The pain inside of Me is excruciating... and there's not a single thing I can do about it :'(

Why won't it all... just... STOP?

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE! :'(

I'm BEGGING you! Please just make it stop! :'( :'( :'( :'(

Where to begin... ?

I don't even know where to begin...

So much has gone on and is going on right now... Soooooooo much

I wish I knew this journal was secure but I don't, and so I am faced with having to go back to my offline journals to record how I am feeling...

The bottom line is that world ending stuff has been going on and added to that, new world beginning stuff has begun to happen... People are leaving and coming into my life faster than I can keep track of...

I have never felt such intense despair and hope at the same time...

I am so very confused... Yet I have also never been clearer...

So... Where to begin? Sadly, I think... offline :(

But I will come back as soon as I feel it is safe to and I will still journal as much as I can here... Home

I will rise again from the ashes My Life has recently been refuced to... completely... and soon... Just as I always do...

Watch for Me in the skies... for I will be the brightest and most beautiful of all of the stars... I will outshine them all

I had thought for sure that I was well on my way out of this...

And in a lot of respects, I am...

I have a much clearer perspective; now unclouded by his judgements and needs... most of the time

That doesnt change the fact that I keep getting overwhelmed by waves of excruciating pain at having lost the man I apparently love... deeply :'(

I wish I could hold onto being truly okay with what has happened... But Im really not :'(

Please don't let it be REAL...

I am afraid to get out of bed because it makes everything that happened last night... real

My hot throbbing arm... makes it real

My pounding, splitting headache and this and relentless feeling of shame... makes it real

The fact I'm wearing a hospital robe and have a dummy beside Me in bed still.. makes it real

That my friend stayed over last night and is still here... makes it real

The fact that it HAPPENED... makes it real

And all of those things are true whether or not I get up... so what is the big deal in getting up???

I really don't know... It just makes it REAL :'(




I wish he actually loved Me :'( :'( :'( :'(

Blindsided... by something I saw coming... but didnt

He ended Us tonight... I think

I barely understand anything... I barely remember anything... I remember and understand every excruciating detail...

I dont know what happened... I do know what happened...

I am so very not okay... I am okay...

I have a badly carved up arm that I do not understand why, or remember how, it happened... I know both how and why it happened... and why it will happen again and again and again and again... if I am not careful...

I am lost... I am not lost at all...

I am in excruciating pain... I am numb

The screaming inside never stops... That's right... The screaming inside... never stops...

Why?

Why do so many men want to have and possess and conquer me...

And yet not a single one of them wants to KEEP Me?

:'(

Who Am I?

Right at this moment, I find myself staring at my reflection in the mirror at the hairdresser's, not able to work out who on earth I am anymore...

How did I get here?

Where even is 'here'?

Why doesn't any of it feel real? It should have been world ending... yet I am unable, even, to comprehend it, let alone feel anything about it...

What is wrong with Me? :'(

Violet Shards of Amethyst...

Violet Shards of Amethyst

Violet shards of Amethyst

Come rain down upon Me now

I need you both so desperately

For without you I don't know how

To face this task ahead of me

When its more than I can take

Knowing this might be my saving grace

Or an unforgivable mistake

Ive screamed... and Ive screamed out to you

But all you do is scream right back

Ive begged you not to leave me here

You exist to protect me, not attack

So where are you when I need you now?

YOU put me up here on this ledge

Or will you not be satisfied

Until you've pushed me, right over the edge?

I don't see why I should bleed for you

Or carry the crosses YOU chose to bear

And why I should sacrifice MY life for YOU

When, when I need you, you're just not there

You're so happy to slam all of my choices

Yet you lack the courage to truly make your own

You mock my vulnerability

And you try to destroy Our home

I love… While you run scared; you hate

I hurt… You're so afraid to feel; you just shut down

Im here through all the most terrifying times

Meanwhile, you're nowhere to be found

So what is it you really want from me?

Why wont you leave all Ive worked so hard for, the hell alone?

Stop trying to destroy MY life RIGHT NOW!

Go get one of your OWN!

Its an Alters thing...

Well, one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt now, is that it definitely is an 'alters' thing...

All of a sudden, I can feel him... He is breaking my heart and yet, still, all I can feel is him... I am suddenly the 'Me' he keeps saying he is waiting for... The one he has been hoping will come back soon...

Ive tried so hard to force someone else back out right now... Someone who is angry and can make this devastating pain go away, and who can replace it with something that will make use of this 'time' and will imbue me with the steel rod in my spine that I need, not only to get through this, but also to harden me against it...

Those who self-harm are nowhere to be found...

Those who work have, after months and months and months (at least), of driving me so damned hard to work (even though I havent), have completely disappeared...

Those who are not in a relationship with him, have conveniently gone silent and suddenly have nothing to say on the subject, despite having screamed at me, constantly, these past few months...

I hate you ALL! Do you hear Me?! I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL! More than you could EVER know or even imagine!

This D.I.D. stuff is complete BULLSHIT!

It is NOT protecting Me right now! It's fucking done nothing but work to destroy Me all this time... and now that it has accomplished such major damage, its left Me for fucking dead!

What's the matter??? The game isnt any fun anymore??? You've found a way to hurt Me so badly, I feel like Im losing my fucking mind... and so you're BORED now????

FUCK YOU!

This relationship I am in is doomed... One way or another...

I am faced, quite simply, with two decisions...

I either show him nothing of what is going on inside of Me, and we are, at least in his eyes, all fine and dandy... Or I show him Me and eventually he leaves... Either way I am devastated... and for reasons I cannot even understand, let alone resolve or fix! :'(

Why is this MY LIFE?!

Have I truly not suffered enough?! Have my abusers and tormentors really not drained enough of my life force and hope and joy yet?!

I dont even know who I fucking am right now! At what point do I get to STOP SUFFERING?!

I... REALLY... TRULY... CANT... DO... THIS! Or, worse still... is that (just as 'they' tried to force Me to write just now), I can do this... What I cant do, is ever escape it... and that is so much worse; a fate worse than death

:'(

Fuck! I began writing this entry with so much hope (despite how it sounded)... I was so happy to be able to pinpoint, that all of this relationship confusion truly is an 'alters thing'... There was clarity and hope in that one simple concept... It felt like something I could work with... I was going to be okay...

Now I feel angry and trapped and without hope of any whole joy ever...

I am not okay... This existence is not okay...

And I have no idea whatsoever as to how to fix a single thing here...

I cant even commit suicide (although I cant, for the life of me explain why)... So, there truly is... no way out :'(

What the fuck?! Ive just found myself sending him a text, telling him I love him and that Im back... and a whole lot of other things that according to this entry, I dont feel... But in the text; just as in this journal entry... I was being completely honest...

For fuck's sake!!!! Will SOMEBODY please let Me know where the fuck I stand and fucking stick to it?! :'(

Im out of here before any more god-damned (because that is certainly what I am; damned by god) switching happens and I find myself in even deeper despair than what I am already in... :'(

The Battle Within...

Amethyst does not respect Violet...

Damn it! She even just almost succeeded in having me not capitalise Violet's name... :/

To Amethyst, Violet is just another nothing... Only worse in most ways because Violet allows all of those men inside of her... and... without the contempt and hatred and disgust that Amethyst shows them...

Violet has a soul... and she shows it... Clients love her for it... (and have even been known to fall in love with her and propose because of it - which breaks her heart because she feels for them but is certainly not in love with them and does not want to hurt them but also refuses to deceive them)

Amethyst is cold and twisted and lethal... and men worship her for it...

Violet finds something she can honestly find attractive even in the most unattractive clients (be that personality-wise or aesthetically)... And she builds and nurtures her client's self-esteem by focussing on it and drawing his attention to it... She allows him to feel he is truly being with her... She never lays there like a 'dead starfish'... She even appears... and to a certain extent, even is, on a compassionate level, loving...

Violet cares...

Amethyst... is full of rage and hatred and twisted vengeance...

Amethyst... knows she is so much better than any of them... and Amethyst... never ever allows a client to be with her... If a full service booking has been made, Amethyst, takes the sex from her client... She leaves him under no illusions as to his place... face down... on the floor... at her feet... not even good enough to be permitted to grovel... awaiting her command

Amethyst is not providing a paid for service... Amethyst is graciously granting the unworthy client an audience with her

Looking upon Amethyst is forbidden... Permission is sometimes, although rarely, granted... and frequently rescinded with no explanation or warning... and sometimes, with a swift bite from her cane...

Amethyst is very much a huntress... She enjoys the game... The more challenging the game... the more satisfying the 'kill' (ultimate and complete surrender and submission of the client)... and because Amethyst doesnt even find a challenging game enough challenge to hold her interest, she adds to her thrill by twisting the client's perceptions and will... at her will...

Amethyst doesnt use force... Force is much to primal (unsophisticated)... far beneath her... It is disgusting... and uncooth... No, Amethyst finds ways to make her client want to want all of the things he never wanted in the first place... And they do... completely of their own volition... they do... each and every one of them...  without fail

Someone once told her, when ordered to beg for something (whilst tied to her cross) "Oh... no... I dont beg... You will never ever get me to beg"... And so she used his own libido against him... No threat... No pain... No violations of any code of ethics... It was completely... his choice... He chose his libido over his pride... She watched the battle within him, to conquer her by refusing to submit to her demand, cross his face in no more than two seconds at most... She had barely even had to try and yet she still knew... all along that she would win... In her eyes it only proved what a pathetic excuse for a human being he was; just like all of the rest... and she despised him for it... But she had won... Just exactly the way she always wins...

It is Violet's presence (and my own) inside of Me, when Amethyst is toying with her clients, that keeps Amethyst from hurting or violating anyone, the way We have been violated and hurt... In a large part, it is also Amethyst's pride that keeps her in check too... She is too good for them... And she has no interest in becoming one of them... She derives her pleasure from watching them destroyed inside by the very selfishness and pathetic obsessive allegiance to their own sexual gratification at all costs, that they would seek to destroy her with...

Watching them voluntarily humiliate themselves (without them even truly realising they are even doing it, until perhaps long after the session is over)... watching them do anything... even completely swallow their pride (the thing these men seem to value the most - the one thing upon which their ego appears to be sustained)... for just one glimpse of her... just one touch of her hand... just one word of acknowledgement... (let alone what they would do for the sex they paid for!)

Watching them BEG for what they and others just like them have so callously and selfishly STOLEN from Me... Watching them be destroyed from the inside out by their own hand, alone...

It is the only thing that brings her joy... relief... satisfaction... peace

Right now, there is a massive battle raging inside of Me... I have Amethyst... and I have Violet (and all of those inside of Me like her)... Both factions are fighting for control... Amethyst believes that it is time we stood up and fought and won - afterall, you cannot corrupt an uncorrupt man... While Violet believes that while there is life, there is hope... And that where there is love shown in the face of evil, the good inside of that person can be reached and that person can become good again - she believes we are all born good...

I honestly do not know what to do... who to be... or how to survive any of this...

I am so desperately exhausted...

I just need for there to be peace... even if it is only for a little while... I need to be able to see clearly and unclouded, before the irreversible happens and it is too late, (because the damage will already be done) :'(

I dont even know what is true anymore... I feel too much... My head is exploding... The screaming inside almost never stops these days... and I am no longer able to trust even the simplest of perceptions I have on even the most minor and innocuous things...

Even this entry makes very little sense to Me... and it certainly didnt go anywhere I thought it was going... :'(

Please! I am begging... This has to STOP! :'(