All of a sudden, I can feel him... He is breaking my heart and yet, still, all I can feel is him... I am suddenly the 'Me' he keeps saying he is waiting for... The one he has been hoping will come back soon...
Ive tried so hard to force someone else back out right now... Someone who is angry and can make this devastating pain go away, and who can replace it with something that will make use of this 'time' and will imbue me with the steel rod in my spine that I need, not only to get through this, but also to harden me against it...
Those who self-harm are nowhere to be found...
Those who work have, after months and months and months (at least), of driving me so damned hard to work (even though I havent), have completely disappeared...
Those who are not in a relationship with him, have conveniently gone silent and suddenly have nothing to say on the subject, despite having screamed at me, constantly, these past few months...
I hate you ALL! Do you hear Me?! I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL! More than you could EVER know or even imagine!
This D.I.D. stuff is complete BULLSHIT!
It is NOT protecting Me right now! It's fucking done nothing but work to destroy Me all this time... and now that it has accomplished such major damage, its left Me for fucking dead!
What's the matter??? The game isnt any fun anymore??? You've found a way to hurt Me so badly, I feel like Im losing my fucking mind... and so you're BORED now????
FUCK YOU!
This relationship I am in is doomed... One way or another...
I am faced, quite simply, with two decisions...
I either show him nothing of what is going on inside of Me, and we are, at least in his eyes, all fine and dandy... Or I show him Me and eventually he leaves... Either way I am devastated... and for reasons I cannot even understand, let alone resolve or fix! :'(
Why is this MY LIFE?!
Have I truly not suffered enough?! Have my abusers and tormentors really not drained enough of my life force and hope and joy yet?!
I dont even know who I fucking am right now! At what point do I get to STOP SUFFERING?!
I... REALLY... TRULY... CANT... DO... THIS! Or, worse still... is that (just as 'they' tried to force Me to write just now), I can do this... What I cant do, is ever escape it... and that is so much worse; a fate worse than death
:'(
Fuck! I began writing this entry with so much hope (despite how it sounded)... I was so happy to be able to pinpoint, that all of this relationship confusion truly is an 'alters thing'... There was clarity and hope in that one simple concept... It felt like something I could work with... I was going to be okay...
Now I feel angry and trapped and without hope of any whole joy ever...
I am not okay... This existence is not okay...
And I have no idea whatsoever as to how to fix a single thing here...
I cant even commit suicide (although I cant, for the life of me explain why)... So, there truly is... no way out :'(
What the fuck?! Ive just found myself sending him a text, telling him I love him and that Im back... and a whole lot of other things that according to this entry, I dont feel... But in the text; just as in this journal entry... I was being completely honest...
For fuck's sake!!!! Will SOMEBODY please let Me know where the fuck I stand and fucking stick to it?! :'(
Im out of here before any more god-damned (because that is certainly what I am; damned by god) switching happens and I find myself in even deeper despair than what I am already in... :'(
Hunny, you are loved and wanted and needed and while that may not change the crazyness in your head it is important to know. We love you just as you are. xxxx
ReplyDeleteI love you too Lonnie <3 xxxx
ReplyDelete