The Battle Within...

Amethyst does not respect Violet...

Damn it! She even just almost succeeded in having me not capitalise Violet's name... :/

To Amethyst, Violet is just another nothing... Only worse in most ways because Violet allows all of those men inside of her... and... without the contempt and hatred and disgust that Amethyst shows them...

Violet has a soul... and she shows it... Clients love her for it... (and have even been known to fall in love with her and propose because of it - which breaks her heart because she feels for them but is certainly not in love with them and does not want to hurt them but also refuses to deceive them)

Amethyst is cold and twisted and lethal... and men worship her for it...

Violet finds something she can honestly find attractive even in the most unattractive clients (be that personality-wise or aesthetically)... And she builds and nurtures her client's self-esteem by focussing on it and drawing his attention to it... She allows him to feel he is truly being with her... She never lays there like a 'dead starfish'... She even appears... and to a certain extent, even is, on a compassionate level, loving...

Violet cares...

Amethyst... is full of rage and hatred and twisted vengeance...

Amethyst... knows she is so much better than any of them... and Amethyst... never ever allows a client to be with her... If a full service booking has been made, Amethyst, takes the sex from her client... She leaves him under no illusions as to his place... face down... on the floor... at her feet... not even good enough to be permitted to grovel... awaiting her command

Amethyst is not providing a paid for service... Amethyst is graciously granting the unworthy client an audience with her

Looking upon Amethyst is forbidden... Permission is sometimes, although rarely, granted... and frequently rescinded with no explanation or warning... and sometimes, with a swift bite from her cane...

Amethyst is very much a huntress... She enjoys the game... The more challenging the game... the more satisfying the 'kill' (ultimate and complete surrender and submission of the client)... and because Amethyst doesnt even find a challenging game enough challenge to hold her interest, she adds to her thrill by twisting the client's perceptions and will... at her will...

Amethyst doesnt use force... Force is much to primal (unsophisticated)... far beneath her... It is disgusting... and uncooth... No, Amethyst finds ways to make her client want to want all of the things he never wanted in the first place... And they do... completely of their own volition... they do... each and every one of them...  without fail

Someone once told her, when ordered to beg for something (whilst tied to her cross) "Oh... no... I dont beg... You will never ever get me to beg"... And so she used his own libido against him... No threat... No pain... No violations of any code of ethics... It was completely... his choice... He chose his libido over his pride... She watched the battle within him, to conquer her by refusing to submit to her demand, cross his face in no more than two seconds at most... She had barely even had to try and yet she still knew... all along that she would win... In her eyes it only proved what a pathetic excuse for a human being he was; just like all of the rest... and she despised him for it... But she had won... Just exactly the way she always wins...

It is Violet's presence (and my own) inside of Me, when Amethyst is toying with her clients, that keeps Amethyst from hurting or violating anyone, the way We have been violated and hurt... In a large part, it is also Amethyst's pride that keeps her in check too... She is too good for them... And she has no interest in becoming one of them... She derives her pleasure from watching them destroyed inside by the very selfishness and pathetic obsessive allegiance to their own sexual gratification at all costs, that they would seek to destroy her with...

Watching them voluntarily humiliate themselves (without them even truly realising they are even doing it, until perhaps long after the session is over)... watching them do anything... even completely swallow their pride (the thing these men seem to value the most - the one thing upon which their ego appears to be sustained)... for just one glimpse of her... just one touch of her hand... just one word of acknowledgement... (let alone what they would do for the sex they paid for!)

Watching them BEG for what they and others just like them have so callously and selfishly STOLEN from Me... Watching them be destroyed from the inside out by their own hand, alone...

It is the only thing that brings her joy... relief... satisfaction... peace

Right now, there is a massive battle raging inside of Me... I have Amethyst... and I have Violet (and all of those inside of Me like her)... Both factions are fighting for control... Amethyst believes that it is time we stood up and fought and won - afterall, you cannot corrupt an uncorrupt man... While Violet believes that while there is life, there is hope... And that where there is love shown in the face of evil, the good inside of that person can be reached and that person can become good again - she believes we are all born good...

I honestly do not know what to do... who to be... or how to survive any of this...

I am so desperately exhausted...

I just need for there to be peace... even if it is only for a little while... I need to be able to see clearly and unclouded, before the irreversible happens and it is too late, (because the damage will already be done) :'(

I dont even know what is true anymore... I feel too much... My head is exploding... The screaming inside almost never stops these days... and I am no longer able to trust even the simplest of perceptions I have on even the most minor and innocuous things...

Even this entry makes very little sense to Me... and it certainly didnt go anywhere I thought it was going... :'(

Please! I am begging... This has to STOP! :'(