Falling into the Abyss...

Sometimes I hate the world :(

I have been trying so hard to get my head straight again about losing the Baby...

It has been excruciatingly painful this week in particular... And just as I am finding my way back to an emotionally much safer place (after exhausting amounts of hard work and through sheer force of will), what happens??? I am fucking bombarded by pregnancies and babies and ALL that bullshit... LITERALLY EVERYWHERE I GO!

This is NOT about me simply noticing it more... It is IN MY FACE because this HORRIBLE WORLD is PUTTING IT THERE! over... and over... and over again :'(

Its NOT FAIR! I HATE this! Why the FUCK is this happening to ME?! Have I not fucking SUFFERED ENOUGH over this?!

It hurts my heart... It hurts my head... It hurts in my bones... And it burns my skin...

I JUST WANT IT TO STOP! PLEEEEEEEEASE!

:'(

And yet, (even though I am doing NOTHING to exacerbate it and EVERYTHING to alleviate it), I am also afraid of no longer hurting over it... Over all three of the children I have lost...

In the case of the last two, I feel I do not have the right to hurt in the first place but that at the same time, I somehow deserve to be punished by hurting forever...

And in the cases of all three of them, I am afraid that no longer hurting over their deaths, will mean they will vanish, or provide proof (although I dont know to whom), that I never really loved them...

Maybe if I stop hurting they will disappear into the mental and emotional abyss inside of my mind, and in doing so, the possibly arises (inside of my mind at least) that maybe they never really did exist in the real world anyway... Perhaps I was just crazy for thinking they ever did... Perhaps all of the horrid voices that accuse me of being crazy and of hypochondria and attention seeking and laziness and self-hating, self-inflicted, victim-wannabe, emotional self-harm are right... (Despite MEDICAL evidence that all THREE pregnancies were REAL)

I miss my Babies! :'(

I want to hold them and to love them and to cover their little faces with kisses and to make all of the coldness and pain go away for them... I want to make THEIR pain and abandonment STOP!

I want someone to make MY pain and abandonment STOP!

But it will never happen...

They are gone (and so somehow free yet also somehow suffering forever, beyond anywhere I can reach to help them or make it stop, at the same time)... And I continue onward into the forever that is my life...

Today, despite how hard I have tried to love and embrace life and the world... A part of me hates a part of it too...

My heart is so completely Broken... There is no fixing that... And to be honest, I dont want there to be

And as much as I will never stop giving everything I have to heal and to hope and to truly be okay... I deserve this pain... I did this... And I deserve to hurt in this way :'(

A piece of me...

Untitled

Listening for your whisper
In a screaming crowd
I cannot find your voice
For all of the others are so loud
Searching for your scent
All I can smell is blood and fear
I am screaming out your name
And still you refuse, bluntly, to appear
Why have you left me once again
In this mess that YOU created?
Our paths are ONE not intertwined
And Im so sick of being hated!
I am YOU… And you are ME!
We need to work together!
If you don't stop all this 'hit and run'
We'll BOTH be lost forever
I know Im strong… And less afraid
But every time you dump and run and hide
Another one of 'Us' gets hurt
Some of 'Us' have even almost died
Talk to me! Im begging you!
I just cant take this anymore…
Im trying desperately to stay
To hold open this closing door
I know you think that I can take it
I force back the whole ocean on my own
But Im telling you... Im so desperately tired
I cant keep doing this all alone
Im fast losing this battle
Im losing time again… Im going blind
Im not the one in charge of ALL of us
We are beginning to lose our mind
Im drawing, writing, singing
Im facing life... not running away
Im doing all I possibly can
But you've GOT to help me stay!
Im screaming… I KNOW you hear me!
Yet your silence still persists
If you abandon me in this mess again
I just might slash our wrists!
And then where would YOU be???
Without me you know that you'll be dead
Because although you're undeniably REAL
You live inside MY fucking HEAD!
So for the last time I am begging you
Pleeeease… You cant keep dumping this all on ME
If we cant learn to work together NOW
None of us will ever be safe or free!