(This journal was originally published as a seperate blog, not linked to the rest of my blogs. I have decided to now link it to the rest of my writings because I want it all in one place... and because I am now in a position both internally and in the outside world, where the content either no longer has the potential to put me in jeopardy or I am simply ready to 'own it' in ways I was previously unable or unwilling to)
Friday 25, August 2017, 6:00pm
Choices...
Maybe I'm just not going to ever 'live happily ever after'...
I am afraid it is not even possible anymore.
I just interviewed at an agency I used to work for and frighteningly, I felt pretty comfortable... I could even go back there tonight if I want to... I don't want to want to...
But what happens if I don't do this while I still can, if I even still can???
What happens the next time I fall apart and dissociate so badly that I am stuck on the inside, forced to watch a gruesome suicide attempt (like the one I was so close to failing to prevent only two days ago) that could very well succeed?
Do I put this decision off just a little longer???
Do I ask 'him' the questions I need the answers to in order to potentially truly know where I need to go from here?
Do I keep fighting the multiplicity and possibly lose, paying with my Life?
Or do I dive headlong into the multiplicity and risk everything I have fought so hard for but at last have a new source of self-worth which just might save my sanity and my life???
I honestly do not know...
I am hurting so deeply and 'bleeding' so profusely...
I don't know what to do
I wish I did
... but I don't
Wednesday, 23 August 2017, 9:33pm
Hitting Critical Mass...
It is happening again...
And in this case it has the power to obliterate what could well be my last chance at real love...
I am switching so hard I can no longer be sure of agenda or even which Alters are around... And they have no emotional conscience where it comes to protecting all that I have fought so hard to build...
I have to bring the pressure down before it is too late!
Sunday, 29 June 2014, 7:10am
Cross Posting...
In addition to every other dangerous game I seem hellbent on involuntarily playing of late...
I am cross posting some of the entries from this journal, to my un-hidden online journal... People I know can see my last entry... And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that googling common phrases from an entry is highly likely to show up, not one, but two journals with that entry... and then it is goodbye, yet again, to yet another anonymous safe place...
What the hell am I trying to do to Myself here?
I could lose everything!
I am trying to make Myself stop... but the only thing that brings even a single moment's peace anymore is this dangerous game of potential self-sabotage; a passive suicide of sorts, without the immediate, direct danger of death...
How do I stop Me??? before it is too Late?
Sunday, 29 June 2014, 6:55am
All the World's a Trigger... And I am but the Many Parts of One Person who may not even truly exist...
And so this is who I am now...
Or at least a part of who I am...
If I am honest with Myself, I have no choice to admit that I no longer know who or what is Me and who and what are triggered fragments of Me (and as such, not really Me?)...
I am so many things these days and not one of them feels genuine or authentic or real anymore...
It is true that I am currently in extreme pain...
Just as it is true that I have been overloaded mentally and emotionally by extremely traumatic situations, most of which I feel trapped by and unable to control...
I have no doubt... that I am... once more... dissociated out of my Mind
I look at this photograph... and I watch Myself posting it here and in other places on the internet... and although I know, on some level logically, that I should be feeling shame? or at the very least, concern for my dignity, modesty and privacy... I don't
In fact, I feel compelled to post it... Compelled to scream out my pain through it somehow... Compelled to cry out for a Help that I am terrified but not yet quite convinced, does not exist...
And yet at the same time... I believe this shot is beautiful in some desperate way... I want to scream out that beauty into the internal Abyss and to have the whole WORLD confirm that I am beautiful and wanted, so loudly that the screams of the world drown out the screaming inside that is telling Me that I want to kill Myself...
Oh FUCK! I am really NOT OKAY, am I...
What the hell am I going to do??? :'(
Tuesday, 10 June 2014, 9:06am
Hope...
Hope is such a funny thing...
And a desperate thing... And a hopeless thing...
Hope is dangerous
That is all
Sunday, 1 June 2014, 5:11am
The Problem is.........
I have come here tonight because I need to talk...
I need to scream out my agony and confusion, into the Abyss
So... here it is:
I am deeply unhappy.
I had thought I was going to need to say so much more than this... but in actual fact, those four words really just say it all for Me...
I
am
deeply
unhappy
.
It's so simple... And yet, until I had the freedom to speak my mind; to say all of the unsayable... I had no idea that it could all be summed up so incredibly simply... Wow!
In the interest of getting some of the main topics 'out there' for discussion however, (possibly for later expansion), I have decided to list the places and things that hurt the most right now:
1. I am in a polyamorous 'relationship' with a married man who is 23 years older than Me... His wife is aware and consenting... but these things are never as simple in practice as they should be in theory...
2. I am in what has fast become a relationship once more with my ex client/partner/stalker... As a matter of fact, I am currently laying naked, in bed, beside him as I write this... Wow! there is so much more that needs to be expanded on, on this one!
3. I am working again... for an Agency... and they are treating Me very badly
4. I am living with my little sister and despite it almost being a perfect arrangement, it is somehow not working... for Me at least
5. I am now completely positive that the casual sexual arrangement I have had with an ex-boyfriend from highschool (who lives in another state and only very occasionally visits), really isn't working... and I have no idea of how to end, not only the sexual aspect, but also how to pull back from other parts of it too... I also feel as though, although not maliciously, I am being used
6. Church... I go there... I want to believe but am not sure how to... They desperately want to fix my D.I.D. through prayer, yet are dangerously uneducated on it and are currently doing more damage than good
7. As the result of all of the above and more (I have only covered whichever main 'external' issues my sleep addled brain can remember right now), I am feeling a great need to withdraw from everyone and everything...
8. Still incredibly stressful, although less so, due to her respect for my request for space, is my failed (albeit not yet officially acknowledged as such by Me to her) friendship with my 'best friend'...
9. There is a situation in church in which I am struggling to decide whether to stand up for myself one last time and to achieve what I set out to achieve and in doing so, potentially take hold of a miracle that may not come around again (even though I am not even sure of whether or not I believe in God most of the time)... or whether I just 'let it go', find my peace (somehow) and move on... a little less hopeful... but perhaps having chosen 'not burning myself out' over 'obligation to an idea' (initially planted by someone else)... I can say this however... I am extremely disappointed at just how selfish and pushy and rude 'christians' proved themselves to be, in this particular situation! And I am angry! My whole 'salvation' could be on the line here (if this God thing is real) and I waited my turn, multiple times, and was considerate of another's need for a break, and I am working harder at being a 'good person' (it is who I am, not anything to do with salvation itself) and at 'salvation' than any of these people are at simply doing what and being who their GOD told them to be! Just because what you are being selfish over is 'more from God', it doesn't mean that selfishness is not still a horrible trait and a sinful one!
So there we have it... Just some of the main reasons I am struggling to sleep tonight.
Ironically, having just listed all of the reasons I am struggling to achieve sleep, I am now finally beginning to feel sleepy... To say that I am incredibly grateful for this public yet private forum in which to scream/talk/write into the Abyss, is an understatement...
I guess I should at least try to get some sleep; I have church in 4 hours and 51 minutes...
More soon... Unless I perhaps find my way back to my normal journal with the courage to say what I really want to, the way I have only just begun to, here tonight...
Thank you, faceless masses, for being there for Me when I needed you tonight x
Sunday, 1 June 2014, 4:31am
Here 'We' go again!
And so it begins... again
The further fragmenting of my already fragmented self...
Another journal... yet another place I come to hide my 'real' self in amongst the constant chatter of so many other bloggers, screaming to be heard... lost in the masses once more
... at least I hope so
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