A lot has been happening lately...
I have been doing my best to keep from drowning in all that is going on and to be honest, I am pretty impressed with myself. I am achieving what, quite frankly, should be impossible.
It has now been over six months since I last saw my youngest daughter. I am surviving this.
I am still here... I am still breathing... I am still me
I am far from okay... but I am here... and I look okay
I am approaching the end of my college studies; another long, hard fought battle... but once again... I am doing it
I have a partner. He is pretty wonderful in a lot of ways I never thought I would ever find. I still feel very alone; some of which is alone in our relationship, most of which is external to that. We are working on it.
I have been finding my way back to my music. It is a fragile beginning but I am feeling the stirrings of a wish to return to playing and learning once more, so I am following these urges as gently and as cautiously as I can... lest I scare them away
Artistically, I am in and out.
I have a hell of a lot going on though and I am not really in a place where it is safe emotionally, which means that being artistically blocked is not surprising... the fact I have been able to produce any art at all is nothing short of a miracle!
In general, I feel empty and lost. I am often suicidal but not acting on those thoughts and feelings.
On multiple occasions I have been put in unfair and/or unsafe situations and I have actually broken through the fear and the paralysis and stood up for myself. Previously, this has been unheard of in my life. I am proud of myself for this; intensely proud... and I deserve to be; I have worked incredibly hard to achieve this.
The results of having stood up for myself have varied but my resolve has not... Again, I am proud of myself for this.
I will be honest... I truly see no point to anything. This is not an existential crisis, this is reality.
I don't know where I go from here with any sense of purpose...
I'll keep moving forward of course; it's what I do... but one day I'd like to actually want to
