So sick :'(

I am getting sick...

No... Actually... I already am sick... What I am getting now, is sicker...

I can feel myself going under...

I am becoming confused...

I feel like I am underwater and no longer know which way is up to the surface where I will be able to breathe and know hope and life again... And which way is down to the unoxygenated depths of an endlessly deep ocean that traps me in a torment-filled, living hell but refuses to drown me... Where my lungs burn and scream for air, but where death will not come...

Instead I am caught in the limbo between life and death... I wait anxiously for a death that may or may not come... Trapped, fighting for a life I have ceased to want but do not know how to let go of... Running from the terror of the dying itself...And it is this very running and fighting which prevents me from finding the peace of actual death...

I am screaming for help...

I honestly dont know what is going to happen from moment to moment anymore... I no longer know what kind of help I need... Or if such help even exists...

What if death really is the only answer left to me now?

An answer I am denied because of them... Because of my daughters...

Not because of some wonderful connection I feel to them... Because right now, I dont... sometimes I cant... but right now I simply wont... I hurt so much over them and everything connected to them that I have now emotionally shut down... at least for now...

The reason is, simply, because they do not deserve it... They do not deserve all of the fallout that would come (for them) from either the suicide (or the death) of a parent... particularly a mother... I guess...

Not that I feel like a mother anymore...

I feel like a victim... A victim who will never escape the horrific nightmare her captor designed for her... The nightmare in which he toys with her for nothing more than his own disgusting... twisted... pleasure... That is why death is my only answer now...

Hidden from me right now, is a deep love for my daughters... I know this... I see it as a photograph inside of my mind... A moment in time captured in a picture, but which fails to capture the accompanying emotions... A picture I can look at, but not reach out and touch... No, only the people inside of the picture can know the emotions they felt... Only I can know what loving them, the way I do in that photo, feels like... when I can remember... when it is safe... which is not right now... :'(

Right now I wish that they did not exist at all... Because if they did not exist, I would no longer be tied in any way to this world... I could simply let go and finally find peace... Looking into their faces at this very moment would bring more pain than I could hold inside of me... It would trigger the mother in me... And her heart would break and shatter over and over and over again... I CANT DO THIS!

Why are you (I dont even know who 'you' are) making me do this? Survive this? Live this? Its TORTURE! PLEASE! JUST MAKE IT STOP! LET IT STOP! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE! :'(

I cant keep screaming like this... And yet I am currently unable to escape to the safety of alters who might be able to shield me, any better, from this either...

It is the middle of the night... And I am completely alone... And lost...

All I have is Me... and... no escape :'(