Deeply Depressed

Today I am deeply depressed...

And I know exactly why...

The problem is, I feel powerless to do anything about it...

Being a multiple means that there are many times I am completely unable to see things the way they 'are'... That is not to say that each alter's perspective is invalid... Only that not all perspectives are balanced or based on the belief systems of the alter who made the original decision...

And so I am stuck...

Stuck in what has come to feel like a never-ending cycle of being happy and miserable in this situation and not knowing which perspective is the most accurate one; the one upon which I should act...

All I do know is that walking away cost me my sanity and almost my life... And there has to be a good reason for that... surely???

I feel so alone in this...

I feel as though I cant talk to anyone about how I am feeling or ask for advice because this cycle keeps repeating itself... I am happy for a while... And then I am miserable and stuck again... And I am powerless to change anything because with every 'change of the guard' (switch in alters), a whole different belief system takes control...

One faction believes completely that there are simply few or even possibly no redeeming qualities which would support the idea of staying in this situation and that nothing short of walking away makes any sense whatsoever... (These alters also are completely emotionally unattached to this person and find sustaining this situation repulsive and traumatic)...

The other faction is completely the opposite... They are deeply emotionally involved (although right now I cannot remember how or why)... And they believe the beautiful words that come from this person (whereas the 'others' find them empty and meaningless and stupid and even, at times, manipulative)... They feel peaceful and loved and whole in this person's presence and embrace... I am a different person when they are around... I feel happy and free and safe (instead of cold and alone and half dead)...

The problem is that both factions have it exactly right...

I truly believe that I am both deeply loved and taken for granted and neglected...

Right now I feel so angry and angry and angry... And I feel so heartbroken... And I feel so alone... And I feel so unfulfilled... and trapped... And I feel unbalanced and restless... And I am punishing myself by refusing to do anything that makes me feel happy... Even though at the very same time, I am desperately writing this journal entry in an attempt to claw my way back and to save myself and this relationship... :'( PLEASE SOMEONE, JUST HELP ME MAKE THIS STOP! :'(

I HATE being a multiple! I HATE all of this undeserved pain! I HATE continually having to agonise over each and every tiny decision, just in case it destroys my whole damned life! And I HATE that even though I had so OBVIOUSLY switched and had SAID SO and was BEGGING to be left alone to sort out the insanity from what actually made sense (before I said or committed to any thoughts or feelings), myself so that I could regroup and explain when I had the words and the understanding, that this person STILL expected and kept pushing me to force my way through to give them a running commentary of what I was feeling and what was going on AND confronted me on it! And I HATE that when I am BEGGING for just a TINY bit of time and space as Im already under such enormous pressure in the REAL world, that this person is pushing me to 'heal' and to seek out and work my arse off to deal with every little thing inside of my head because THEY dont like seeing me in so much pain! (for my own sake to a certain extent... but mostly - I suspect - for their sake, because it hurts them to see me hurt and makes them feel powerless when they cant help me)

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! Just ONE little thing goes wrong in their world and this person runs for time alone and doesnt cope... Well, MY WHOLE FUCKING WORLD IS IMPLODING AND EXPLODING AND SHATTERING AND FALLING APART BOTH INSIDE AND OUT! Give me a god-damned BREAK!

I really just cant take this anymore... :'(

Maybe that is why I am punishing myself today... Maybe its because I am not only mad at myself... But primarily I am trying to survive all of this... And if I can just keep myself distracted from what is really happening, by suffering at my own hands and at the mercy of something I created (and so therefor can, in theory at least, control and stop), then just maybe I might be able to make it through...

I HATE MY HEAD! And I HATE THIS TORTUROUS EXISTENCE!

I DIDNT DO THIS! I DONT DESERVE THIS!

IT'S NOT FAIR! :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

please make it stop... :'(