Waking up...

It feels like waking up out of a fog...

I am still extremely fragile... And it certainly would not take very much at all to push me right back over the edge again... But right at this exact moment I feel differently to how I felt yesterday...

I am terrified of what is going to happen in court, with regard to my license, on Tuesday... And have been having nightmares about that and about the custody hearing all night... Well, for quite a number of nights now... But, again... Whatever I am feeling now, is not quite the endless desolate fog I was in yesterday...

I dont know what to do to strengthen this current state of mind, so that I dont slip back to where I was... and that is scary... But I figure that if I take just one step at a time... If I have a shower... If I spend some time watching movies... If I take the pressure off of myself to live up to other people's expectations today... And if I dont make the mistake of having any expectations or hopes that rely on anything or anyone external to myself, just for today... Then maybe I will make it through today... Hopefully a little stronger tomorrow... And a little stronger again, the day after that...

Its highly likely I am still going to be starving myself intermittently... Im working on getting past it... But its not killing me right at this second... And to be honest, whether or not the underlying thought process on that one makes sense... Its all I have right now... Its the only illusion of control I have over my life... And its the only form of self-harm I have that isnt going to show in a way that could jeopardise this custody case or destroy everything I have worked so hard for in other ways... Besides, I could do with losing a little weight...

I think, perhaps later, I might go for a walk by myself... And I wont try to make sure I am home waiting for him, when he finally gets home... As a matter of fact, I will try to be deliberately late... I think that I will show both myself and him that I am too good to spend my life waiting around for someone who has no interest in protecting what he has with me (because he thinks I will simply always be there)... That I am no longer willing to be the only one fighting so hard and sacrificing so much for this relationship...

It sounds petty and stupid... And if I werent in so much trouble emotionally, I would simply let it go and go on being who I truly am... But right now, I need to take back something of me for me... Because its having nothing left, on top of everything else I have going on, that has led to me being so desperately unwell...

Here goes...