Something inside of my head just suddenly clicked...
Not a single answer that I am looking for, lays in my past...
I mean, seriously... look... at my past; abuse... rape... betrayal... horror...
Who in their right mind would go looking for happiness there?! I don't know what I was thinking... and now that I can see this so clearly, I am finding it incredibly difficult to see how I possibly couldn't have seen it all these years... (Yes, conditioning certainly plays a huge role in that answer, but still.........)
I deactivated my facebook tonight... I didn't think it was going to be permanently... but now I am not so sure... Perhaps all I need now is Me... and whatever life I create for Myself in the real world...
I no longer want people in my life who consider watching me on facebook, leaving the occasional 'like' or comment here and there, a friendship... I no longer seek the judgement or validation that comes from sharing my life online in that particular forum, for the most part, with people who nowhere near deserve the kinds of intimacies I share on my page... I no longer want to waste my life refreshing an internet page, just praying someone has something to say that might save me from chronic boredom and occasional lonliness...
Today, for many reasons, has been horrible... and I have had enough!
At one point, I literally felt something 'snap' inside of my head... I should have been in hospital... but as usual, I found ways to stay safe... *deep, heavy sigh*
The long and the short of it is that I simply cannot go on like this...
So tonight, I am going through all of my things and I am getting rid of links to people who either have become, or should be, obsolete... I am also deleting phone numbers and text messages... I am getting rid of the lot! No more, second guessing myself and ending up in the same f*cked up place I currently find myself in emotionally and physically... No more temptation to give undeserving people 'a second chance'... Especially when these people not only haven't earnt a second chance... but haven't even asked for one!
What kind of a fool have I been all this time?!
And you know what???
This change is going to do this journal a whole world of good... because now, instead of only coming in here to vent my distress and 'insanity', I will have the opportunity and the energy to write about the rest of my life as well...
There is another issue I am going to put to bed tonight too...
After much thought and internal debate, I have decided to break with my own rules and to write an entry which will be directed at other people... deliberately
I am hurt and angry that I have been put in this position... but I am deciding to take back what is mine by setting the record straight (with regard to what I actually do have to say on certain matters and events as opposed to what others warp, twist, lie and assume I have said), once and for all... And then... I walk away... from these people... completely...
After which, my journal goes back to being MINE again...
But for now, I have better things to do... like spending time with my daughters
More later... perhaps
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