Help Me!

Falling, screaming into the Abyss...

Frantically reaching up toward tendrils of something to help slow my descent... Tendrils made of nothingness that promised to be something but are not...

For the longest time I have held off reality by holding my breath... by carefully dissecting each and every excruciating element until emotion became lost in cold, uncompromising logic...

I only allowed the sunshine in... and even then, only for brief moments lest it light a dark corner and wake a wailing I could not lull back to sleep in time...

I fed hungrily on the sunlight I let in... It sustained me just enough to continue to hold it all in place... the terror... the altered reality... the excruciating pain... the Nothing... the Truth

Today I accidentally gasped...

And now I can't hold anything in place... the screaming inside is deafening and I cannot think... the emptiness drags me faster and faster down into the Abyss... the pain has me trying to crawl out of my skin... and the silence... and the night... and the.........

I hear wailing... I see an unfamiliar face in the mirror... I watch as thoughts race across my mind; bright flashing lights of panic... I try so hard not to give in to urges to run to old refuges  and mindlessness built on foundations of self-inflicted, controllable pain and torment...

The night ahead of me is so very long and quiet... As each moment ticks by, I watch my options for escaping this insanity dwindle as sleep claims those I would reach out to... if only my shame would let me...

My screams are never louder than they are in this last defining moment... There is a frantic edge that demands my attention and I cannot tear my eyes away from the two futures I must now choose from... because this limbo is unsustainable; it cannot last

I want to hold on...

It seemed so easy when I was lifeless; when I couldn't feel...

But all I can do is feel right now and I would do anything; pay any price... just to make it stop!

... or to at least not have to endure it alone

I am so cold... I am in agony... I have nowhere to run...

I am alone