They are things he has said to me a million times before... But this time, instead of bouncing off and feeling unreal and untrue and empty... they felt real
It is a relief
I dont know if his words felt real because I was whichever part of me who is in a relationship with him... Or because I had a moment of clarity...
I just know that it was a relief... and that it felt good... and that I needed it to feel good... for no other reason than I needed it to help me get through this hell that has been unleashed inside of my head... I need something happy to cling to so that I dont drown...
What this means for my relationship with him ultimately, I truly dont know... I am as in this relationship as I am out of it... I cant seem to get everyone inside to agree... and unfortunately, both factions have very real and valid points... At this point, and for the foreseeable future, I remain... I have no plans to leave him... The battle is an internal one... But that is not the battle I need to be focussing on right now...
Right now... I need to focus on that tiny little island of peace I found tonight... I need to draw strength from that... And I need to use that strength to fight... for my sanity and for my life...
I can only fight with everything that is in Me now, (as I have always done) and to hope, once again, that this is going to be enough
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