Involuntary Russian Roulette...

I feel as though the whole of Me is in a state of flux...

Literally nothing is stable or settled... And I am fast losing track of... who I am... what I want... how I feel... I am very close to even losing my grasp on verbal communication...

And... I am losing my grip on reality...

I know for sure right now, that I am very, very close to the edge...

And I have no idea of what to do about it... how to do it... or even if there is anything I can do about it at all..

I am really, really, really... scared...

How do I find help when I am so very okay one moment... and so dangerously not okay the next?

How do I find help when a hospital's only chosen avenue of 'helping' is to medicate a problem that cannot be medicated away? When medication does nothing more than fill my body with addictive toxins that sedate me out of my mind so that I am still in excruciating mental and emotional pain, but just physically paralysed from screaming out for help... When it takes away my choices and only makes the problem worse by rendering me incapable of dealing with it and facing the excruciating medication withdrawal process? When those who medicate me cannot be trusted to listen to me... or believe me

I know what is happening inside of me... I understand what is happening... I cant stop it... But I am honest... And I know that I need help right now... and that that help is not found at the bottom of a pill bottle...

I am not against medication... I am actually open to it... I even wish there was a medication that could help me... But I have been down that track many times now... and I have learned (and my doctor, my mental health nurse, and my psychologist agree) that medication really isnt any sort of an answer in my case...

The thought that medication holds no answers for me is frightening... :'(

The thought of putting myself in the hands of 'medical professionals' I cannot trust is almost as frightening as playing the Russian Roulette I am playing by dealing with this unsupervised and hoping against hope that I survive... I am absolutely terrified!

But hospital is pointless and only adds to the problems I am dealing with in the long run... so really, what other choice do I have?