Still Lonely...

After years and years of attempts to create the perfect bedroom for Myself, I have finally succeeded...

What I wasnt prepared for was that I would still be so incredibly, painfully lonely...

All these years I had told myself that if I could just create a perfect place where I truly belonged, I would be home and I wouldnt be lonely anymore...

But just like in the rest of the world, I do not feel I truly belong here either :'(

I have so many beautiful things...

But I am afraid to touch any of them...

And I am too ashamed to touch them...

And somehow they seem staged... and hollow... and empty... without someone else to enjoy them with...

Yet if I, (or anyone else), touch them, they wont be perfect and clean anymore... The oil in our skin will be on my things then, and they will begin to rot and to decay...

Or if only I touch My things, my things will become infected by the unspeakably ugly, filthy, toxic, contagious, pieces and touch of my father, and the screaming excruciatingly painful insanity that all exist inside of Me...

My fathers touch is always there... He is always touching Me... I can never escape... It destroys everything clean that I touch, because HE is still touching me... So there is no starting fresh again... To start fresh, his touching Me would have to STOP... And as it never does, I can never have anything clean and safe and just mine... :'(

I know that I am very unwell right now... :'(

But this is still My Truth...

When I am well, I am just able to shove it further down into the bottomless pit inside of Me, along with the rest of My thoughts and My pain and the things that never should have happened to Me, that nobody wants to know about or see... I am able to hide it better... And I am able to pretend and to imitate the world better...

But right now I have lost my place... I am incredibly disoriented... I dont know Who to Be... Or what I am supposed to be Thinking... Or how to Appear to the World around Me and the People in It... I cannot go back and find my Place by re-reading all that I have already read that has gotten Me to where I was when I lost my place... And I cannot look forward because I no longer understand the language and although I remember being able to read at some not so distant point in the past, I cannot do it right now... And so everything just looks like foreign markings on the page of this book that is the World and My Place in It...

I am profoundly Lost...

It is very, very not okay in this world for me to be Me spontaneously, without following the rules and guidelines and the maps and courses... For without all of those things I am nothing but a formless, translucent energy which will soon evaporate and disperse into the atmosphere; a million tiny screaming parts that will only feel pain, without the ability to ever find help or peace as I would no longer possess the mass required to alert the attention of anyone who can help Me... I would no longer Be any kind of Me... I would simply be pain... and in pain...

I am so afraid...

And I am so terribly lonely :'(