I have so little time left to sleep before I have to drive back to Adelaide, so this is going to be a short entry, which I am hoping to be able to come to back and expand on later...
Tonight, I truly almost lost my mind...
And in almost losing my mind, I was finally able to begin to find it...
I found out that inside, I have never truly escaped my mother (who is a completely different person now, and was mentally ill and an abuse victim herself, at the time... and not someone who was deliberately abusing me)...
I found out that sex scares the living hell out of me because although I more than know how to do it, I have absolutely no idea of how to process it...
Darren won more than one impossible, un-winable situation (and/or possibly fights - as at times it felt completely like a fight for my soul)... and so even though I still (sort of?) have no idea of what is going on with my relationship... between the sex revelations and some other things I am beginning to be able to see in myself, I am beginning to wonder, if perhaps I am in this relationship because I actually want to be afterall... Perhaps my misgivings are more about being unable to process sex and adult feelings and adult concepts and relationships, more than they are about the actual person I am in the relationship with...
I think this really is the key I have been looking for all of this time... Now I just have to work out how to learn the "how to's" I am missing, so that I can use it... And once I have achieved that, I will finally... for the first time in my whole life... be either in or out of a relationship... because I know I want to be... I will finally have... a choice...
Tomorrow, I am going to continue putting an end to every single stressor I can possibly finish off... This painting commission is going to be finished... This court case is going to be settled... The domestic violence counselling appointments are going to be made... And this inability to sleep is going to be ended (if I havent achieved that already tonight - here's hoping, as Ive definitely felt something huge shift in that area)...
I cant say that I have hit the rock bottom that has been coming as the result of so many outside stressors over this past year or so... But I can say... that something had to give, in a huge way... and although I have a feeling the 'huge' is still to come... tonight was big... and tonight, I learned the how
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