So alone...

Being online at this time of night makes me feel so lonely and empty...

But right now I have nowhere else to go... At least, nowhere I want to go, or even can go where I would be welcome, as once more, he is melting down when I need him the most... over nothing (his explaination, not mine)

I was supposed to be there this week... And when I couldnt be, he promised he would come here... Another broken, empty promise... More pretty words for which he got and took credit... Pretty words which, once drained of their ability to get him the love, gratitude and hero status he craved, were nothing more than empty, meaningless echoes, bouncing around inside of me... again

Of course I was the good-girl girlfriend... I didnt express my disappointment... Or my rage (because this certainly isnt the first time or even the first issue I am dealing with silently of late)... No... Like a good girl... I swallowed it... Like I always do...

And it makes... Me... SICK!

I make me sick!

I am so sick and tired of not even registering to him lately, until he is lonely or sad or bored...

I AM NOT HERE TO FILL ALL OF THE EMOTIONAL HOLES YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR EX-WIFE LEFT IN YOUR LIFE THROUGH THEIR NEGLECT! I AM NOT HERE TO FIX OR ATTONE FOR THEIR MISTAKES AND TO GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU DESERVED FROM THEM AND NEVER GOT! I AM ALSO NOT YOUR TOY!

I... AM... ME!

And it is 4:40am... And I am not okay... And YOU should be HERE! ... where you PROMISED you would be!

I dont feel like you love Me right now... And I dont feel like I even really exist to you as who I am right now... And I hate that I truly believe you think you 'love' me, for no other reason than I almost died fighting for you and for 'Us' and that I knowingly chose to take that risk... I showed you in a very real and practical way, that I was willing to risk everything... And that even when you had given up on Me completely, I still hadnt and wouldnt give up on you! That regardless of whether or not you loved Me, I loved you! I think I make you feel secure where they didnt... And I think you crave that so deeply that your mind transforms me into whatever it takes for you to think you love me... I dont think you truly love or see Me at all :'(

FUCK! ...

Even as I write this... I am switching... again :'(

My words are, once again, ceasing to ring completely true... And yet there is truth in them!

I am so heartbroken... And so confused... And so completely... alone in all of this :'(

I dont know who you are... I dont know who I am... I dont know how to get 'back'... I dont know anything for sure anymore...

I am so very... NOT OKAY

:'(