I wanted to write this post hours and hours ago...
But I have been so busy... and given that last post, I am really not in any mood to be able to do it justice... Only... if I don't write it now, it is highly likely that it simply won't ever get written... and it is so very important to me that it does...
So here goes...
Today, there was something said (to me) by someone I am close to, during a phone conversation...
The words were un-mistakable...
But the question is: Were the words themselves a mistake???
Did this person mis-hear what I had said and simply respond as part of an old habitual reflex?
Did this person mis-hear what I had said and respond (what they thought was) in-kind because they felt awkward?
Did this person mean what they said but forget to censor what they said?
Did this person simply mean what they said?
I strongly suspect that it was simply a case of mis-hearing what I had said, (although I have been quite clear about exactly how I do feel, without actually saying the words, as they have, at the very least, implied, and also actually sort of said it would make them feel uncomfortable if I just came out and said it) and then just out of some old habitual reflex, responding in-kind...
I know that this person is quite fond of me... but those words??? And that timing? It just seems too odd to have been anything but a mistake...
Nothing has been said since... and I am so not going to bring it up... It would only make an awkward issue out of something that doesn't need to be... You see, I am (for the most part), happy with where things are at... My feelings are about Me... They certainly do not depend on whether or not the person I feel them about reciprocates them... I don't need that... And I don't want something that doesn't truly belong to me, entirely freehold... That is to say that anything another person feels for me needs to be entirely independent of what I feel for them...
If those words were, by some miracle, meant for me... that's lovely...
... and somewhat disappointing :(
The importance placed upon those words (borne naturally, of the accompanying feelings, of course) by this person, would imply a far less subtle saying of them for the first time... I would have thought...
And given both the courage it took (or perhaps it was not courage, but a protective mechanism instead... who knows? it's possible), to refuse to use such words cheaply or at all at such an early stage in a relationship, and the security this person would have in the current state of my feelings (as I have been clear but discreet in my expression of such feelings, and have had definite confirmation of this person's understanding of them), I would be surprised by even the slightest fear at all in this person with regard to coming forward and making such a declaration (once they had decided they were ready to)...
No, the more I think about it... The more the first conclusion I jumped to, makes the most sense...
When I said 'I love your voice'... This person had to have mis-heard me and simply responded as part of an old habitual reflex...
Awkwardness makes no sense... This person has always been pretty direct with me... and has also seemed quite comfortable, not only to listen and allow things to simply be as they are in situations where my feelings are at a different level to theirs... but they also truly understand that I am expressing my feelings and that, reciprocated or not, my feelings simply are... and that I am truly okay with that...
Forgetting to censor, is a possibility... This person is under a lot of pressure in other areas of their life (and has been for a while now)... And I know what that is like, as I have almost slipped quite a few times lately myself, and nearly said those exact words... (I have also been concerned I might say them in my sleep)
This person having simply said those words deliberately for the first time that way makes no sense... simply because of what I know to be true of this person... No, if they had wanted to officially say something like that... 1. It would have been timed much more directly... and 2. The word 'too' would certainly not have been a part of the way they had said it...
The words are beautiful... And it is a precious gift indeed, to receive them... I just don't think today was the day... whether it be habitual reflex or a lack of censorship... those precious words are not mine from this person just yet...
It was lovely to hear what they might sound like one day (if ever... because in truth, there is a slight possibility that they may never be mine and I am okay with that)... and to even wonder how much truth was in them already...
But no... they are not mine...
... not yet
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