So, today our daughter, Charlotte, would have turned 1 year old...
In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago that I found out I was pregnant... Our relationship feels like a lifetime ago too... And yet, it wasn't...
Just under two years ago, we got the most wonderful and tragic news... I don't regret the decision we made not to go through with the pregnancy... There were so many reasons that we decided not to bring our little girl into the world... And there are even more reasons now, that have confirmed that this was the only decision we could have responsibly made...
For weeks I have been becoming more and more agitated and unsettled inside... And until very recently, I had no idea of why... Just as I had no idea why every time I heard or saw the date 'April 29', my whole body would tense up and there would be this screaming inside that I couldn't locate any conscious reason for... And why, having the court ordered custody mediation session today, seemed so cruel...
Then it hit me...
Charlotte's birthday...
I had thought I would have been a complete write-off today... and I braced myself against it... But last night (and I have no idea of how or why), this feeling of calm and peace just seemed to descend over me...
I wish I could believe it was her...
I wish I could believe that there was some way in which my daughter and I could have truly met... and that I could have done more than simply hold her inside of my body for those 8 precious weeks... But I don't think that I believe in spirits staying behind to guide and hold and watch over us, after death... It would be so comforting to be able to run away from how I feel, to that idea in some ways... but I don't think I really believe that... So... Reality it is then...
I often wonder what she would have been like... And today, for the very first time, that doesn't make me want to cry... I am so surprised by that... and grateful
Maybe the intensity of grief I have felt over her death has finally ebbed away... I really don't know... Maybe my whole internal system simply hit overload after all of the stress I have been under for so long now, and it has left me somewhat numb... Again, I don't know... All I do know, is that on a day when I need to be able to be focussed and strong, I now have at least a chance of doing that...
I have a whole lifetime in which I can feel about Charlotte... And although I feel somewhat guilty about seemingly feeling predominantly peaceful when I think of her, particularly today (because it would have been her birthday)... I am grateful... For whatever reason, with the exception of whatever effects the Fentanyl I am on and this back pain (that, while slightly reduced by the Fentanyl is still quite severe) has on my concentration levels, I actually seem to be okay today... maybe even happy
There is so much more I want to write about... but right now is certainly not the time... Right now, I am just going to breathe... and to allow this internal peace to strengthen me for what is still to come today... I will deal with whatever else is left to be dealt with today, later... when I have both the time and the headspace
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