Nooooooooo! :'(

There are many times lately, when I am screaming inside...

I don't even know how I feel or why anymore... This happiness I feel is bliss one moment... and some undefinable living hell the next...

I really can't explain it...

I suspect that underlying the living hell portion, are unresolved Darren issues... Or perhaps not unresolved as much as unprocessed... I don't want to go back there... EVER... there is no question about that...

No, it's more that before I had the chance to feel all of the feelings associated with everything I went through at his hands, I was caught up in this bliss... A bliss that has very possibly, not quite saved my life... but not far off of that mark either...

I find myself so in and out of 'consciousness' these days... Sometimes I am living inside of my body, completely in the moment... and it is wonderful... And then suddenly I am not... I am numb... and I am watching someone else's life unfolding... in a body that should be mine... and yet isn't... even though it actually is...

I don't know what to do... I don't know how to anchor myself to Me...

So much of the time I feel torn between such a beautiful, blissful, serene existence and this numb, sometimes even desolate, un-reality I currently find myself in... :(

Last night was a perfect example of that...

For so many reasons, last night was incredibly special...

And yet, there I was... completely unable to stay anchored to Me... I drifted between moments of intense reality... and moments of nothingness; where I could see what was going on but not touch it :'(

There was not a single thing I could do about it...

To have said something would have drawn attention to it... and I am ashamed of it enough already... I just can't face that kind of exposure... not on top of all of the other ways I feel so raw and exposed right now... No, saying something would only have made the chronic dissociation worse :(

But in saying nothing, I was left so completely alone in it... I was trying desperately to 'come back'... I felt so numb and cold and isolated... but not shamed... I did feel a-shamed... just not shamed publicly

There were moments in which I was so keenly aware of what was happening... of the realisation of a 'dream' I have had for what feels like forever, but in reality has only been a matter of weeks... And in those moments, there was an almost perfection of sorts; a perfection in which, despite the physical limitations I am currently experiencing, my whole body began to 'sing' with sensation; I was truly there...

And then there was the Nothing...

No matter how hard I fought it off, it kept gaining strength and returning, over and over and over again... until I could no longer feel anything except the physical pain I am in all of the time these days :'(

I became trapped... inside of the pain and outside of Myself... watching my body mimic all of the right responses, without being able to truly feel what was going on myself, almost at all... The strangest part was, that I was not faking any of it... 'Someone' was there... just not Me... and I could not feel that 'someone's' feelings... or experience the sensations their body was experiencing... I could only watch... devastated that I could not be there myself no matter how hard I tried...

I still feel the same way... even though I am now here completely alone... even though somehow, apparently, these are My hands typing this entry... I cannot, no matter how hard I try... connect to feeling Me

I wish I could turn back the clock and experience the perfection I deserved last night... instead of being trapped watching it unfold around me and all over me and inside of me... I wish I could have stayed :'(

The worst part is that unless I can find a way to truly let this go... it is only going to get worse... or at best, remain at the current level...

I don't want to be alone like this... I don't want to be Elyria; the sexually taken, yet chaste one... I don't want to forever remain so 'haunted'... I want to be NORMAL! I want to LIVE! I want the life that BELONGS TO ME! :'(

:'(

How do I do it? How do I re-join a life I do not voluntarily keep leaving? :'(

Please... I just want to be able to feel My feelings... and for that to be safe...



And once again... despite how much I have said... I have said nothing I truly wanted to say (I think)...

To Me, my words sound hollow and trite... they fall out of my mouth and mind... and onto this page, flat and lifeless... empty... (despite how heart-wrenchingly honest and pain-filled they are)... Or perhaps it is simply that they fall so far short of being able to express the depth and breadth of how and what I am truly feeling right now... I don't know... :'(

When am I going to be able to finally break through this dissociated fog and begin living again? :'(