Lost and frantic...

I am lost...

I finally got my key back today... and I am lost

I feel this frantic urgency inside... I want to run screaming... I want to beg anyone who will listen, to promise me that 'he' won't get me again...

But it wasn't that bad... (or) was it????

Tonight I can't concentrate... and I can't sleep :(

Ben lays beside me, blissfully unaware of the screaming that just won't stop inside my head... He is unaware of so many things... but then so am I... I have no clue whatsoever, as to what is going on with me right now :'(

I feel like I'm going crazy again...

I can't touch him right now... and his name doesn't make any sense to me... it never has, but now more than ever... Why doesn't his name fit? Who is he really?... inside

And why do I keep swinging between being in love with him and not even being able to remember his name?

Why has the nightmare I had about Darren and getting my key back today, thrown me so much???

Why am I so terrified of Darren??? because that's what it is; terror...

What the hell am I missing here?

And why is this entry so frustratingly not saying any of the things I really want it to say... even though I have no idea of what it is I really want to say anyway??? :'(