And I feel happy... Just happy... No complicated messes of feelings swirling around inside of my head... No confusion... No emptiness... Just... happy :)
I feel as though almost everything is as it should be...
I am almost done tying up all of the loose ends with regard to my old goolwa friends, which means that at long last, all of the residual reminders of where I have been and what has happened, will soon, no longer be 'in my face'... And it can't happen soon enough :)
I still can't get my head around why Ben's name makes no sense to me... or, to be honest, what that even means... I really quite like his name... I just have this strange feeling that I have known him before and that Ben wasn't his name... although I believe him when he tells me his name is Ben...
Gah! Stupid darned head! :/
Anyway, what is in a name... right? :p
And maybe he is right... Maybe we feel we know one another simply because of how incredibly similar we are... I don't know... and I don't even really care all that much anymore because I am just feeling so peaceful and happy about this relationship I am in with him... Yes, I know... I can't believe I am saying it... I am in a relationship!
But enough about all of that...
Today has been pretty rocky for me, to be honest, although I had no idea until it was well and truly too late...
(oops... fell asleep typing again)
The long and the short of it is that I basically had waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time, delving into my own mind... Not for no good reason, however... I have been writing up explanations to go with the pictures from my drawing journals... I am almost finished now but yesterday was hard slog, to say the least... I didn't even notice how much time had passed until my alarm went off at 3:10pm to remind me to go and get the girls from school... A whole day...
It wasn't until I was speaking to a girlfriend on the phone later that I realised just how deeply effected I was by what I had been doing... All of a sudden, I found myself in tears and feeling completely overwhelmed... My containment skills were shot to hell and I was afraid that everyone would think Darren was right; all I really am is a victim... I wanted to scream out, at the top of my lungs, that it wasn't true... But that's just it... That fear doesn't belong to Me... and I know it! It is just faulty, conditioned thinking... and it will be gone very soon
Last night was so wonderful...
Ben met my family and they loved him... :)
It felt as though he had always been a part of us somehow; he just belonged...
Damn it! Why can't I let go and write properly these past few days??? :( I am stuck... and although I am writing things that are true, I am not saying what I really want to be saying... I don't even know what I really want to say... except that I do, but they are just feelings I can't seem to put words to for some reason... And every word I write, right now, seems contrived... Aaaaaargh! :/
*sigh*
I'll get there if I just keep pushing through I guess...
But the bottom line, today, and for approximately a month now, is that I am happy... Perhaps that is the problem with this entry... perhaps that's all I really needed to write this time... I am happy <3
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